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coolesthwip-blog · 6 years

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Reasoning

Today, a friend of mine asked me if I ever doubted my decision to pursue the medical field. I definitely have, many times, and I was wondering what I should tell him. He was feeling really down on himself since he hadn’t done well on his MCAT despite having spent a year in preparation. He felt like he wasted the year and lost focus during the way. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to be a doctor anymore. For a moment, I wasn’t certain whether I should encourage him to work through his concerns or change his career path. Besides, what qualifies the best choice?

In high school, I would have argued the case of happiness. The best choice is that which makes us the happiest. Before then, I’d have told you that it was to achieve the greatest good for the greatest number - “to leave the world a slightly better (less painful) place.” When I started writing here, I believed that life should be mostly a development into the traits we see as valuable. Nowadays, I’ve been telling myself that I want to experience the broadest spectrum of life on earth. Tonight, I’m doubting myself. I’m not sure that it’s any of them for certain. I’m more inclined to believe it is some nebulous balance of the three for I see merit in all of them.

To give me some sense of peace, I’ve been telling myself the decisions I make in the moment, the same that shape my future, are the best I could make and that they’re the result of my best efforts. Besides, that’s really all any of us can do and they’re decisions we make constantly.

This sort of approach lends self-reflection some interesting power. I believe that introspection allows me to be more confident in the decisions I make. It at least gives me the ability to say that I thought about a decision before making it. I’m scared that some of the decisions I make spontaneously are an inadequate representation of my ideal self.

For now, I want to conclude with my urge to consolidate my ideal and spontaneous selves and to trust myself when I’ve deemed that I’ve achieved that goal. Practically, I guess this is completely useless since that still leaves me the responsibility of determining those traits that I value. I think that’s where my specific values come in. To:

1. Maximize experience.

2. Be honest, kind, and strong

3. Leave the world a better place

4*. Make the happiest choice

*I suppose this one is more of a qualifier since I believe my realization will coincide with greater happiness. Or perhaps not?

-J

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coolesthwip-blog · 6 years

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Well that was short-lived

So I’m already late on writing as often as I said I would, and since I know I’m going to be late again, I’m going to set a couple alarms to make sure I keep to my schedule. I want this blog to be uniformly representative of my state of mind throughout the year, and if I’m writing only when I feel like it, I’ll quickly bias my posts and thereby lessen my power to look back on my past reflections. I’ll try my best.

I’m in Seoul right now in mom’s friend’s apartment complex. Like DAMN, these people are loaded. It feels a little weird living in what is very clearly someone else’s childhood room, but I can’t complain.

Seeing, grandpa was easier than I thought it would be. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to communicate well with him due to my poor Korean, but he’s not very verbal either. I can tell through his gaze, though, he’s very frustrated that he can’t express himself very clearly. He managed to meek out “psychological disorder” and “confusion”, but grandma and uncle weren’t really listening to him much he did try to speak. It’s clear to me that they’ve already accepted his death, but grandpa is far from. He’s still fighting, and I admire that so much.

The one clear sentence he got out without stuttering or starting over from the beginning was, “I am not terminal stage.” Chills. Everyone else pities him, and I do a little as well, but the man perseveres. He is sad, for sure, and I initially wondered why. He’s lived a long time and has done good works, surely, in his eyes, he must be ready to ascend back to God. I’m not sure exactly what he’s fighting for. I don’t know if he cries because he is afraid of death or if he’s dealing with the pain. His mood seems to shift quickly and dramatically. Well, we’re going to Andong on Saturday to visit him at the hospital there, since he was transferred from Seoul.

In the meantime, I’ll be trying my best to improve my photography chops and enjoy what Seoul has to offer me. Mom, brother, and I are also going to the hospital to receive a checkup, which includes blood, urine, and x-ray analysis. I’m a little nervous for the checkup, which I shouldn’t be considering I want to become a doctor one day. I think I’m nervous for what they’ll find. What if they find something wrong with me? I’m worried for that outcome, but it’s certainly best that they find it now so I can deal with it and become well again. On the other hand, if they find nothing, then I’ve bought myself some peace of mind.

I always get like this where I anxiously worry about my health and feel a sense of doom, if you will. I think it’s because I’ve seen how cancer can eat away at someone and how much it ripples throughout the fabric of a community. I don’t want to have to deal with medication fees, side affects, and constant doctor’s appointments. I feel like I have so much more left to live, experience, and accomplish. I would feel robbed. Everytime before, though, I’ve been okay, so hopefully this time is the same.

If not, I will fight through whatever affliction at whatever cost. Maybe that’s why grandpa fights - since he fears the impact his loss will have on our family, or that he believes he has more yet to live. I wish he could tell us.

-J

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coolesthwip-blog · 6 years

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Not Chill

Today was a really bad day, so I thought it would be a good time to start writing.

Disclaimer

I might change everything I say. I want this platform to be a free experience for me, but I will generally line out my thoughts on this experiment in this first post.

Goals

I hope that this blog will be a better way to deal with my emotions and build myself into a better person. I think I’ve been really losing myself these past four years, and I hope I can move past my undergrad and develop an

honest,

kind,

and strong person.

Honesty: I want most of all to be honest with myself and who I am. Foremost to this, I believe I am the chief decider as to who I am and want to be. That being said, doesn’t that belief most of all apply to the deluded? Maybe it’s better to say this: I decide which parts of my life and perspective define and drive me. The way I react to those influences are also who I am. I need to figure out exactly what I want to live for. I think being true to myself and recognizing my emotions is the only honest way to build myself. If I do this, even if I’m ashamed of what I become, I will at least acknowledge that the decisions I made were in light of my efforts to believe myself. I don’t know what else I can do.

Kindness: I want to remember my life as someone who made the world a little bit better. I want to treat people well and with the care and dignity everyone deserves. I know a ton of people just don’t give a fuck and think about themselves, and maybe they’re better off for it, but I really don’t think so. People gravitate to people that emanate kindness. And if I’m fucked for it, so be it.

Strong: Even if I can be honest and kind for a moment, they mean nothing if I let the negative forces of everyday life pervert me into compromising my values. I don’t really know that I feel much positivity in my life anymore, or maybe I’m blind to it. True, perhaps I just can’t recognize the love in my life. If this is the care, I wish for the strength to be perceive that love and respond to it in like.

Expectations

I will write in this blog no less than two times a week, once midweek and once on the weekend. This is a minimum for me to hold myself to, and I hope I can uphold it. If I am to change this expectation, I want it in writing with reasoning as to why, for how long, and the new expectations instituted.

Setting sail

And so I’ve begun. I’m excited to see where this goes.

Ambitiously,

#life #blog #self love

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