citrinide

[citrinide]

were failing as a society nobody is making I Can't Decide animations with their favorite characters anymore

#im picking up the pace okay :( animating takes me a bit :( #<- literally in his plans

[citrinide]

Also I'm repainting the lps I customised as a kid okay bye

I live. For 2 seconds (<- studying while he still can. Depending on the generator)

Well, barely studying. More like trying to keep one device deadn't.

#cecil.fm #they were mangle and freddy fazbear. I'm making them look better because I've got better control over my brushes #working on mangle. base coats of white done for the head working on the body then I'll start pencil plans for stuff

[citrinide]

I live. For 2 seconds (<- studying while he still can. Depending on the generator)

Well, barely studying. More like trying to keep one device deadn't.

#cecil.fm #so anyway back to thinking about art fight amirite #<- caved in and added his animatronic cores to the list (might as well if im doing them for my ocs huh)

[citrinide]

For sillies I'm just going to draw out my poor outfit choices this week because finals means half the class is wearing pyjamas or sweatpants anyway.

Testing out my new pen heehoo I love this one

#cecil.jpg #ftr my power was out when i made this fashion choice. or rather didnt make it. #crop top from my aunt was NOT what i was going fortoday but the universe had other plans apparently

[citrinide]

I would not qnd I am alarmed you would imply this

Clint you've got to be fucking kidding me

[citrinide]

the problem with driving is its realtime when it should be turn-based

#please m controller can't handle the quick time events ; ;

[citrinide]

im still fuckin SHADOWBANNED!!

#'no you're not i can see this' hey guys shadowbanning on tumblr is different to other platforms hope this helps #<- specific instance includes not being able to access DMs on an account at ALL as well as a few smaller things #no fucking kidding you can see this you're FOLLOWING him

[citrinide]

Today's Seal Is: Ragdoll Clipping

[citrinide]

Sorry sorry @stat1crain i keep thinking about this exchange.

Home of phobia. "i know they're..... your type 😒" is so funny for no reason </3

#cecil.fm #Would I be executed on the spot if I didn't cover over the f/os name? Probably not I don't have that big of a portal following here (good) #Am i still incredibly embarrassed about how hard I fell? oh no yeah definitely. #Women and this one guy <3 Just the one <3 #every now and then i get called out by her for homosexual behaviour and its the funniest thing possible #straight until you put a really cute core boy in front of me :(

[citrinide]

Bad news gamers

The storm literally destroyed our pool so now I have to go find a river to lie face up in. Or I could do it in the geese's pools but those are small...

Anyway disregard all that who's ready for slutty core summer wioiooooo (<- he is the slutty core.)

#cecil.fm #first final down btw. it was whatever. #have a test to make up at 2 and I am. having a very normal one over the inaccessibility of online resources #i paid for the fucking ebook i shouldnt have to jump through 200 hoops to access it you dickwad #going over my shitty notes that are 90% smut drawings and 10% actual class notes. #not my fault though. literally nothing gets taught in class it's just reviewing the book. the book i canT FUCKING GET TO !!!!! #im fine. <3333

[citrinide]

The moral of Portal is that if you mistreat women, the moon will get your ass.

There are two men in this duology, both of whom mistreat women, and the moon gets both of their asses.

#this is correct trust me ive studied this game for most of my existence I'd know mhm

[citrinide]

I LITERALLY JUST SAW THIS WHAT

Clint you've got to be fucking kidding me

[citrinide]

learning that apparently several hundred people have been pronouncing 'miette' as 'mighty' has actively worsened my day

#As. As someone that is. French. (Miette is crumb in French which is incredibly adorable to have named your cat that) #you can imagine the growing face of dread and despair seeing the reponses to that horrifically butchering that kitty cat's name— #it's me-ette (et like. et cetra. idk i cant think of another english word that has that sound that isn't ALSO horrifically mispronounced rn) #or me-yet if that's a better visualisation of how to pronounce it idk the ie blends to a y if you say it fast enough ig.

[citrinide]

I think lying on the floor in the dark with my mood lamp set to colour shift while playing that one "from another room" edit of Caramelldansen would fix me.

Anyway disregard all that who's ready for slutty core summer wioiooooo (<- he is the slutty core.)

#cecil.fm #no genuinely i cant tell which mental illness is the culprit today because mutliple symptoms are symptoming and they're all overlapping #[points at depression and bpd] IT'S ONE OF YOU FUCKERS AND WHEN I FIND OUT WHICH OOOOO YOU'RE GONNA GET IT!!!

[citrinide]

Anyway disregard all that who's ready for slutty core summer wioiooooo (<- he is the slutty core.)

#cecil.fm #depressed? no! whatever could you mean? I'm too hot to be depressed actually. <3 #im going to recreate the painting of Ophelia in my pool at this rate. #inviting my few close-by friends to come drown me and make it look like an accident.

[citrinide]

Eugh. Shoved under a read more because I'm having Extremely Not Favourable Thoughts about this.

December 3rd, 2022 v. April 19th 2024

The latter doesn't even pass the fucking canvas flip test... It doesn't even have shading. The anatomy sucks, I don't care if the newer one is meant to be more stylised, the building blocks of it are still garbage. My hair barely makes sense and the line art colour clashes with the darker tones (granted I've updated that literally yesterday)

I feel like I'm just going in fucking reverse and it's seriously starting to eat at me. I've been getting less and less happy with my art as the years go on and sure I can probably blame this one on the untreated clinical depression (FUCK is therapy expensive and my body is so useless that I literally cannot take pills even IF I could afford those) but my motivation to do anything creative has been pretty much absent for over a year now. I can't commit to big projects because they burn me out too fast, and smaller things don't feel satisfactory to me anymore. I can't just say "just draw for yourself silly! you're the only audience that matters" BECAUSE NO ACTUALLY I DO IN FACT HAVE AN AUDIENCE AND I AM FREQUENTLY LETTING THEM DOWN AND FUCK DOES IT KILL ME THAT I'M CONSISTENTLY INCAPABLE OF DELIVERING ON ANYTHING ACTUALLY WORTHY OF BEING LOOKED AT. It's ENTIRELY my fault that I ended up solidifying myself as a "Fandom Artist" and I fucking hate that so much, that wasn't even SUPPOSED to happen I made that new art blog to get AWAY from being one and I still fucking failed at it. IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE I'M A GOOD FANDOM ARTIST BECAUSE I CAN'T MOTIVATE MYSELF TO MAKE ANYTHING FOR THE FANDOMS PEOPLE EXPECT ME TO (THAT REV ANIMATION WASN'T EVEN TAGGED BECAUSE I FELT SO SICK OF IT AFTER) and I know it's REALLY bad to focus on numbers and stuff but GOD does it suck when I do actually put time into something tag it properly and then ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. But then my extra old SHITPOSTS I PUT 1 MINUTE TOTAL INTO AND BARELY TAGGED ARE THE THINGS PEOPLE KEEP FINDING ARE YOU ACTUALLY FUCKING KIDDING ME I AM SO CLOSE TO PURGING EVERYTHING AGAIN. THIS ISN'T EVEN TALKING ABOUT HOW I FEEL SO GUILTY EVEN THINKING ABOUT DOING ANYTHING WITH MY OWN ORIGINAL WORKS BECAUSE THAT'S NOT WHAT PEOPLE WANT, THEY'RE NEVER GOING TO GIVE A DAMN ABOUT WHAT I MADE THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY WANTED, ELLIS. All I can ever get myself to do are shitty low quality doodles on my notes that almost never get posted anyway. My life is entirely me failing to meet other's expectations and I've accepted it at this point, I'm just LITERALLY not good enough — ESPECIALLY not for myself.

I don't know I don't know maybe I'm being incredibly dramatic or something, that's the one expectation of me I managed to live up to I guess, but I'm just. Tired? Curse of the artist I guess.

How I look knowing I'll never meet the expectations of everyone around me and that ultimately I am just a speck of dust in this world with no impact on anything ever ^ ^ (ugh not even my attempts to recapture that old style are good enough)

Sometimes I look at my old art and think "Wow! I've gotten so much fucking worse actually! :D"

#cecil.fm #vent i guess #product of being a gifted burnout student? maybe #product of having to raise myself and still not doing enough? maybe!! #art makes me feel bad i think. but it's. all i know how to do. and unfortunately i fucking suck at it regardless. #ironic how the S//H vent piece ended up the only piece I can soundly say looked good #maybe it's finals stress maybe that's what's getting to me i dont know i never know #im just going to keep working on refs. its not going to get my mind off this but it'll keep me busy.

[citrinide]

Sometimes I look at my old art and think "Wow! I've gotten so much fucking worse actually! :D"

#a piece from 2 years ago is better than anything I could do nowadays haha kill me #like yeah i know it was probably because I couldn't do that style consistently without wanting to cry because nothing looked good enough #but FUCK man it feels bad. eughh... #cecil.fm #i need to never look at my art past the current year i think...