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I’m drunk as ass right now so let’s get some things straight: 1) I am very sad and don’t have friends at college and that sucks and while usually I’m not really actively caught up in being sad by distracting myself through work, buddhism, or just the other shit that comes up this is becoming increasingly hard to avoid and is definitely limiting the number of times I’m happy

2) I’m not even sure I should be at college slash this is the best place for me now. I really don’t know what I want out of life and my career but this process of internships and human capital building and all this shit is very unappealing right now although this might be a product of #1.

3) I’m trying to focus on exploring further my relationship with my faith (Zen) which is kind of a mixed bag because in some ways its focus on relieving suffering and acknowledging the non-being of all things and all that jazz is kind of unhelpful to resolving my current problems (and yes, if I really committed to/understood buddhist teachings I would realize that my suffering is based on delusion but that’s not a cure-all for me, an unitiated unenlightened newbie rn). the book I’ve been reading rn talks about giving up the things that you cling to most, and one of those for me is graduating college and having a respectable job. which (since I cling to it most) I’m reluctant to give up even though I suspect that it and many of the things going with that attachment are causing me much suffering.

4)  I miss my friends I miss high school I’m more than halfway through freshman year and things aren’t beginning to even start to look up and I don’t know what to do

postscript: I’ve been blaring flying lotus for the last hour and it’s been kind of tripping me out

pps: I don’t have anyone to talk to about this????? I need someone and I don’t have any options

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Someone stamping their feet on the floor of heaven– all the flowers and branches that saw the flash of light turn to ash and torrential rains pour down, transforming the garden into heaps of coal– could it still be paradise?

from “A Flash” by Hwang Jiwoo (via openlylesbian)

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The Future Kept

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“I’ll keep searching” by  Caamila on Flickr |  Instagram |

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THAT’S ONE HELLUVA CLOUD IF YOU ASK ME

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stuck in love (2012)

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what do you do when you’ve lost the motivation to pursue happiness?

#text #personal

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Hiroshi Yoshida Rapids 1928