buriedscreamsanddesires

[buriedscreamsanddesires]

A bitter/sweet month.

25th of April to June 1st, a month of memories, good ones and bad ones.

I love you, I love you beyond my capability to understand how and why I love you, it is me more than I am myself, and it saddens me deeply to have never felt or seen your love.

I just wanted you to love me back, and I guess it was too much to ask, I truly hope and pray to end up with you someday, and that someday is sooner than we plan, but I cannot help but think about the endless possibilities, mostly the negative ones, I do not want to face a reality where you belong to someone else, I don’t want to live to the day when I see you not choosing me, it breaks me to think about it, it will end me if it happens.

Your decision to leave was a selfish decision, I respected it and still do, but as days go by I cannot help but be disappointed with you, I thought you loved me more than this, you say you love me more than this, but you also say that our current circumstances are not and will not help you show me your love; something that I cannot comprehend into its true meaning and still, to this very moment, frightens me to my deepest core.

I just wanted you to fight for me, to stand with me at such difficult times, I needed you and you walked away so easily without one bit of emotion, it broke me how much I cried and how there wasn't a single tear shed from you in return, it makes me question your heart, I hope our time apart makes you rethink and regret how you treated me and only learn to become a better, softer man, the man I love and truly deserve.

I don't know how long I can make it without you, I am trying to survive your absence one day at a time and I am trying not to break, I cannot and -hopefully- will not return, I will continue with what you started and finish it with strength and grace, I am certain that this will be a lesson of which I will come out of learning at least a thing or two, mostly realizing my self worth and knowing how to love myself the rightest way of all.

[buriedscreamsanddesires]

a teacher

last night was a very memorable night, it was the Graduation Ceremony of my students, I haven’t mentioned to anyone how very invested I am in teaching, and I think no one knows that I am actually a full-time teacher, but as everything else, I take that title very seriously, and for the past two years I took it upon myself to teach those girls. I gave them everything I have and taught them everything I know, they were more than simply students, and last night I realized that to them; I was more than simply a teacher.

last night was wonderful, it started with my coworkers and students -of whom I didn't teach- raving about my “very” short hair and how inspired they are to be as “brave” as I was and chop their hair off. Then there was honoring faculty members who were all professors and me in the middle -which filled me with both pride and embarrassment all at once-, then the highlight of the night, seeing my students walk as graduates and meeting their mothers for the very first time after the end of the ceremony, I was surprised at how they knew me because of their daughters “endless” stories about me, some referred to me their daughter’s role model, and some hugged me and kissed my forehead, some cried while thanking me for my efforts, and some asked to take a picture with me to always remember me.

last night was perfect, because as much as I strongly claim to be a writer, a poet, a reader and a lover; last night was the night I knew that among all those things, I was born to be a teacher.

[buriedscreamsanddesires]

I haven't been able to put it on paper, or say it out loud, how you -regardless of how entirely different I am today- still make my heart beat like no other, my soul yearns for you and your fire, that after all these years of coughing, vomiting and bleeding you out, you are still where you are, you might have moved, but never actually left.

It is strange, indeed. I am no longer me and you are no longer you, there is no us or we but I still love and care and miss, because after all this time we must both realize this: when it comes to you, I will always love. I will always care. I will always miss.

There isn't much to be done about it, there isn't anything to be done about it, why try to hide or deny what is clear and what is more me than I am myself, the only thing that’s never-changing in my forever-fluctuant self is you and who you are to me, my feelings for you might be suppressed or heightened depending on daily situations but they will never, ever die, they won’t go high enough for us to start over a third time, either. This much I know.

Because despite our past, despite our similarities that don't stand to compare to our differences, we are still very different, despite our raging desire for each other, we still want different things, I cannot blame you for the past and I stopped blaming myself for a long time, now. What happened was meant to happen, I believe it is our fate to never be one for this world to see, “what if’s” and “if only’s” aren't going to change anything, and even if I stayed longer then, we were doomed from the very start, weren’t we?  

Regardless of all facts, and despite my beliefs, I still wish for you, I still long for you, seeing you moves me in ways I do not know how to describe nor understand enough to put into words, you bring in me what no man can, and you make me feel what every man failed to simply bring to life, this is as true and bright as those facts and beliefs. This much I also know.

And I guess it is my fate in this life to go through it without you, and I guess it is my calling to sing love songs and write poems of love for you, because you were never a choice, you are my destiny, because my only birthmark is the first letter of your name hidden on my right hand, and as much as I fail to bend the truth or even try to understand, you were, are and forever will be a part of me, from birth to death. 

And whether it is a blessing in disguise or a curse in my eyes, I will perceive the events as I please and take your signs as they seem to me, even when what’s meant to be will always be. It is my purpose to be forever yours, it was a promise I made when doors of the sky were widely open; that my long lost promise was no longer a promise, it was a prayer answered when I least expected, I am yours forever, even when we are not meant to be together, and even if when you will be never mine.

#F

[buriedscreamsanddesires]

Our Thing

I can't seem to stop thinking about you, about us, about the little things, our things.

We started our relationship with a song, dedicating unpopular songs to each other was our way of expressing how we felt for one another, and we hated when others knew about our songs because it was our thing.

We used to write each other poems, that was another way we expressed our love, each time I wrote you one, you wrote one back, if something was difficult to say through music, expressing it through poems was our thing.

We are so connected, to the point we dreamt about each other on the same nights, we thought about each other at the same time, and we got sick together at moments we were afar, when you hurt, I broke, when silence was deafening, you spoke, when you missed me, I never went away, and when I cried for you, your heart ached, we shower the same, we eat the same, we write the same, we think the same, we breathe the same, we feel the same, we are one and it is our thing.

After we met, we never missed talking over the phone on the same day or night, we ran through everything that happened during our time together and never skipped a detail, we also shared our favorite moments and how we would relive them if we could, we ended our conversation with promising each other to improve and love each other more each passing day, it made us closer, it made us better, it made us warmer, it made us.. us and it was our thing.

We always asked each other what we were thinking, we wanted to be a part of each other’s minds as much as our hearts, I loved you so much I knew what you were thinking before you even said it, even when you hid it, and when I did the same, you asked me what I was thinking because it was our thing.

I guess it is our thing, too, to break, because our love was never meant to see the light of day. You are my daydreams, my night dreams, you are the only one I cannot forget and cannot forsake. You were my first, you are my last, you are the one who I wish never changed and lost his way. I love you and miss you more than I could ever tell, and for you, for us, for our little things, I ache.

[buriedscreamsanddesires]

Goodbye, 2017.

What a year you were, a year full of moments to forever remember, full of moments I cannot ever unsee.

In you, I’ve been hopeful, until my world fill apart around me and left me in the most hopeless stages I was yet to reach. In you, I’ve been free, living each day as if it were my last. Until I was restrained, contained and prisoned, never living but surviving, desperately wishing each day was my last and least. In you, I’ve gained friends for life, people who took care of me and loved me even in those times I wasn’t easy to love and understand, and in you I’ve lost people, I’ve lost a cousin who I’ve seen slowly lose a bit of her memory each day, until she didn't recognize me regardless of my frequent visits, I’ve seen life escape her eyes long before everyone’s eyes started to leak. In you, I was homesick for a place far away from here, unable to wait for my escape, until I was almost there, until I was afraid to leave. In you, I fell out of love, and out of the crush that was mistaken for love, I tasted the sweetness of moving on, until it tasted bittersweet, until someone reminded me of the love that was never meant to be. In you, I laughed as much as I cried, I was both excited and devastated, one minute I was jumping from joy and the next was depression bringing me down to my knees. In you, I’ve fought and won some battles and lost many more, I’ve learnt to strive for victory and accept defeat. In you, I’ve been on a plane for the first time, I saw the stars from underneath. In you, I’ve gone back to bad habits, and taking pills to help me sleep. In you, I’ve realized things I wouldn’t realize in a thousand years, I’m more cautious when it comes to people I love and meet. In you, I’ve written some good things, things that no one might ever read. In you, I’ve been healthy, until I almost wasn’t, until I ended up in the emergency room on the Thursday of the past week. In you, I’ve done smart things, and dumb things, and some things of which I cannot speak. In you, I got my heart broken and mended by the books I’ve read and films I’ve seen. In you, I’ve seen the good, the bad, and what lies in between.

In you, as you came, I became. And as you leave, I am one step closer to being me.

[buriedscreamsanddesires]

I love you. Thank you. Goodbye.

Dear F, my dearest F in the world, my first crush, my first love, my first kiss, my first best friend, my first mistake, my first heartbreak, my first of all.  I feel like I loved you ever since I opened my eyes to this world, as if I carried you with me throughout everything I’ve went through, do you remember how we always found it strange and almost miraculous that I have the letter F on my right hand as my one and only birthmark? Well, your name will be engraved on my heart as permanently as that letter on my hand.

You have formed such a great part of my life, we grew up together, we hated our strict parents together, we laughed and cried together, we lived in fear and fought it together, we learned from each other, we enjoyed our silence, we hated our distance, we were even intoxicated by one another, even when we were apart, we were one. I remember how my mother always used to think that I learned how to chat in English from you, it is somewhat true, what I don't seem to be able to remember is why exactly we chose a foreign language to be our language, as if we never wanted to belong to our mother tongue, but that never stopped us from swooning over each other’s pronunciation of certain Arabic words.

We have involved so many people with us, my brother, your sister, our cousin, your friends, my friends, so many people witnessed us and helped us, and so much more people wanted to be us, I can imagine why everyone did. I like to think, that if those two young teenagers were to get married before going to college, things might have worked out and we would have been together to this day and time. Maybe they have in some other life, but in this one we damaged each other beyond repair, the kids we were yesterday and the adults we are today don’t compare, they were us but we are not them, they were like lock and key, and we are simply not meant to be. It has been difficult to accept that fact, I must admit, to this moment I see you as the love of my life, I see you as my husband and me as your wife, but then reality hits me and all I see is our desperation, painting over our walls, crushing our souls, making us the parents we once despised and swore we’d never become, we tried too many times, and it is time, time has come for us to give up, we won’t last another try.

I cannot think of where to begin or end to thanking you, for everything you’ve given me, your love, your secrets, your care, your kindness, your support, your stories, your jokes, your time, your written and spoken words, your voice, your gifts, your views, your ideas, your laughs, your tears, your strengths, your fears, your sleep, your mornings and your nights. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life, I have adored being in and learned from each and every single moment of being with and without you, I cannot and will never be able to express my infinite gratitude for being your first and you being mine.

I truly wish you a life full of peace and joy, I wish we both grow up to become everything we’ve wanted, and settle down with people who happen to be everything we’ve needed, I wish us kids of our own, and a wonderful life where we will never feel alone. I truly wish us contentment, I wish we find a way out of our anxieties and insecurities, and mostly, I wish you would remember me forever, because I will never forget you, I will remember you each time someone complements my eyelashes because you were the first one to tell me how beautiful they were, I will remember you when I see good graffiti on street walls, I will remember you each time I listen to “Your Call”, I will remember you each time I pass by a juice store because they are your favorite, I will remember you on June 18th, August 8th, October 6th and fourth of November, I will remember you each time I see a flying plane, I will remember you every time I look at my veins, I will remember you each time someone says your name, I will remember you until the day I die, and my love for you will never fade away.

I may regret some things I said and some things we did, but that will never mean that I will regret us one bit, for once in my eyes, you were the best man ever lived, to you I will forever be grateful, to forget you, God forbid.

I never wanted to say goodbye, I never wanted to come here and shed the tears I cried, but to leave us open without closure is suicide, and will only leave us eager to go again and try, so before our love runs dry, before the what ifs and whys, it’s been perfect for one life time, but it is time to say I love you, thank you, goodbye.

#F

[buriedscreamsanddesires]

I notice.

I notice, I notice when you post pictures similar to mine, as if you’re always facing my pictures, as if you’re always there.

I notice, I notice when you post things about you, when you write to me not knowing if I’ll ever read your thoughts.

I notice, I notice when you choose to disappear to empty places and make hidden changes.

I notice, I notice when you decide to change the way you look even when I will never get to see you and you won’t ever see me.

I notice, I notice when you show up unannounced to a family gathering for the first time in months only at the one time I happen to be there.

I notice, I notice your little signals and not so little ways to make me notice you. I notice, I notice regardless of how I deny knowing anything about you. I notice, it’s always been like this, I notice your every move. I notice, but here’s what I cannot notice; do you notice me, too?

#F

[buriedscreamsanddesires]

I never ask.

I never asked to be loved, ever since I was a little girl, I hated to ask for anything, because most times I begged when I asked, and most times I was rejected and let down, so I never asked to be loved.

I never asked for a friend, I always tried to keep my own company and stay less attached to people, people leave, people change, people disappoint, it’s what they do, and I run away before they leave, I fake a smile when they change, and because they always disappoint; I never ask to be loved.

I never ask for help, I take pills when I’m in pain, I keep silent when I’m suicidal, I starve when I’m depressed, I don't ask for hugs, I don't call a friend, I pretend and pretend, because I never asked to be loved.

I never scream, I took it upon myself to let the voices inside my head bleed through writing, I don't write as I used to because the voices are louder than they used to, but that’s okay, I’m not afraid to lose my way, I’m not afraid of the blame or the hate, I’m not afraid of sudden, heartless change, I never asked for love, anyway.

I never asked to be understood, I am tired to explain, you have your ideas of me and those are not subjected to change, it is fine, I will change my ways, it’s never been a problem I couldn’t face, but to ask me to talk, to ask me to break, to ask me to say what it is useless to say, I refuse to let you in, I never asked for your embrace, and I will never ask to be loved, not today.

I just wished for love, and it never came.

I gave them all my love, and expected them to do the same.

I never ask for love, and I am not the one to blame.

[buriedscreamsanddesires]

I was asleep, half asleep, and my phone kept buzzing beside me, I reach out to it knowing, sensing, wishing that it is you, I open it to see missed phonecalls from an unknown number to my phone, a number I know by heart and soul but my mind refused to realize how well I remember, I dial back and I’m already going back to sleep while I’m waiting for the caller to pick up, until I hear..

“You can take your time, you know..”

Once again, I refuse to realize this voice, I refuse to remember.

“I have all the time in the world.”

I bury my face into my pillow and say “No, no it’s not you. What are you doing?”

The conversation continued and it never stopped, I never stopped it, I was numb, I wasn’t afraid, I wasn't euphoric, I was feeling nothing at all, but him.. He spoke differently and thought differently, he was both amusing and abusing to my numbness. It was him, it was him I wanted and needed and desired, it was him I desired above my numbness, and desired most of all.

I’m tired, but I start letting go of the only valuable thing in my life right now, I escape sleep to stay with you, I am already sacrificing bits and pieces of myself, of my life, of my desires, for you.

...

I wake up, the first thing I mumble is a deep, broken sigh, I reach out to my phone, it was just another meaningless dream that mimicked my reality. I am sweaty and breathless as if I had a nightmare, I completely realize it was a simply a dream, but this is how I always wake up after dreaming of you, my mind is as conflicted and confused as my heart, my whole body is unable to figure out what to do with you.

I try to go back to sleep, I can still hear your voice, I can still feel you around me, my mind and my heart, my body and my soul are all intoxicated by you, I fail to do the one thing I value the most in my life right now, I fail to go back to sleep, I surrender to my misery and get out of bed to start the very busy day I have ahead of me.

I started this day with you, and here I am writing about it.

#F

[buriedscreamsanddesires]

I’m waiting, I am constantly and impatiently waiting for you to come and touch me, touch my soul, touch my heart, burn me up with your fire, I don’t care if it hurts, I don’t care how much it hurts, I will take it up as if I'm dying and you’re my last, oh very last breath.

I’ve been hoping, consciously and insanely hoping for you to come and embrace me, talk me out of my misery, away from my destiny, bring me harmony by slowly wrecking the rest of me.

I’m trying, painfully and unsuccessfully trying to not let you control the best of me, to paint over and rename me, to reform me, to deform me, to rebuild me just to simply destroy me, take my body and take me one step closer to death.

I’ve been dreaming, desperately and willingly dreaming of myself crying and screaming.. because I waited and you never came. because I hoped for you even when I knew we’ll end the same. because I tried and failed to win every single one of your games. because I dreamed of you, asleep I was or awake. because I longed for you, until I was left insane.

#F

[buriedscreamsanddesires]

a h(heart)ouse of glass.

I live in a house of glass that shatters every time my father screams, and magically rebuilds itself every time my mother laughs. all my life, I have lived in a house that shatters each day at least once, and sometimes takes more days to become of whole glass again. I live in a house that scarred me each time it broke, and I grew up tired of living inside such a cold, fragile house. we were never happy for long enough that our house stayed the same way it did when we began our day, in all of my twenty five years of life, my house broke some way.

before I knew it, my heart started taking shape, not as my scarred fist but more like the house where I lived and stayed and couldn’t escape, my heart shattered each time love came my way and never stayed. before I knew it, my heart was even more fragile that it broke even at the times my house didn’t break. my heart and my house are all the same, I grew to learn how to accept the fact how there is no escape. and you’d think that I would get used to the feeling, but I never did and I think that by this time I never will, it’s always more than I could take. so I am the girl who has a heart made out of the same thing her house is made of, I will never be able to let you in, because I don't want you to see my house breaking, and I don’t want to feel my heart do the same as you grow tired and run away.

[buriedscreamsanddesires]

this is where it doesn't hurt. this is us.

today I decided to have a relaxing day at home, decline house chores, be selfish and watch a new series, that series was “this is us”.

now, I am only at episode four, but that show inspired me in all the right places, I knew from the pilot that this show was one of the things that are definitely going to make me better as a person, to help me view the world in a gentler and kinder way. or else that's the effect of simply watching Mandy Moore.

only few minutes ago I hanged up from your sister, we had very interrupted calls because of her trying to make her children go to sleep. I must say that to this day I find what she does truly amazing next to anything else, it is truly a warrior’s work.

we ended one of the calls because she really needed to get them to sleep, I told her it’s okay if she calls afterwards if she’d like, but before she did, she texted me if she can ask me a question: “ does it bother you when I talk about my brother? ’’

I was praying for her to not ask the other question, which was a total relief to know that it simply was that question, I can be honest to answer that question, and I was, until the end of the call, I spoke my mind as freely and frankly and fearlessly as I could. she kept talking and talking, complaining for the most part, and the thing about me hearing people complain of you and your actions and habits and attitude, I tend to feel the need and the urge to interfere and help without ever offering. and so I did, I gave advice on how she could start a conversation with you, I knew that I was talking from an experience which had expired two years ago, but still, I knew deep in my heart that I knew your keys, I always did and always will, I love it and I will make sure to cherish it forever. and as I was speaking and guiding and explaining, I realized how much I miss you and how strangely it didn’t hurt to miss you, I realized that this is where it doesn’t hurt to help or to love you, because the three of us will always be family no matter how far or broken up we are. I said things I wanted to say for a really long time, and it felt so good to say them because I knew she felt relieved to hear them, I know that the two of you will always and forever be a very important and rather essential corner in my life that I cannot disregard, I have reached that conclusion and accepted it with complete contentment.

tomorrow she will call me again, because she’d like to review my key on how to have a proper conversation with you, and I cannot wait, I truly cannot wait to hear that she succeeds at winning you over, because that wouldn’t be just a huge step for her part, it would be for you and for me, too, I will feel inner peace, because I felt solely responsible to end something that tormented the three of us for so long, because I’ve grown to love you both very dearly like family, because you are family, I know you both so well because I’ve witnessed your physical, mental and emotional growth throughout your whole lives, so everything -regardless of how small- affects me the exact same way it does to you, and I accept it, because this where it doesn’t hurt to be involved, because this is us.

[buriedscreamsanddesires]

is it fair...?

do you remember, the day I left you for the first time, howI was abused both verbally and physically, because even when we weren't together, I wanted to defend us, out of hope, out of despair.  do you remember, how your father insulted me that night?  you weren't there, how could you remember? but is it fair that you weren't there?

do you remember, a week before I left you the second time, how I was coughing during most of our conversations? I told you that I have this strange runny nose and cough, I thought I was getting sick, you thought so, too.

you were there, but how would you ever remember? is it fair that you weren't there?

well this is what you won't remember, because this is what you don’t know.

a year without you. 

that cough, it got worse, it became chronic, it made me breathless, sleepless, I remember chocking on it, gasping for air because the cough didn't allow me to, I remember how the cough controlled my life, how I cried after a full year of it, asking my family how could I live with it, because I really couldn't.

that was my chest coughing you out, is it fair that you weren't there?

two weeks after I left you, I went to work the morning after getting my period the night before, I had to walk a long way to get to the laboratory, and during that walk, I felt blood running through my pants, I felt my legs wet and I felt myself falling apart, when I reached the lab and went to the ladies locker rooms, I was completely drenched in my own blood, I panicked, I cried, I sat down, I couldn't walk, I couldn't remember the last time I ate, I was picked up by colleagues who merely knew me, to be driven on a wheelchair into the emergency room, I remember the wait, I remember the faint, I remember my broken voice when I saw my father’s face when he came to take me back home, I was told it was all due to severe stress and lack of proper sleep, I remember how shocked my mother was to see my clothes, it took two people to wash the blood off of them, she told she never saw as much blood in her entire life.

that was my blood pushing you out, is it fair that you weren’t there?

a month after I left you, I was on my way to work when I felt a sudden stomach upset and unbearable nausea, I made the driver pull over in the middle of the highway to vomit, I was on the ground, crying, shaking, and washing myself from vomit and dirt with the rest of my water bottle, I remember how the driver stood next to me trying to help, I remember ignoring him, I remember going back to the car, calling work to tell them I’m sick and returning back home. there were a couple more incidents of vomiting and crying because of my constantly upset stomach, their stories will go unmentioned.

that was my stomach spitting you out, is it fair that you weren’t there?

three months after I left you, I fell into the habit of staying alone, I didn’t want any friends, my family tried to get to me, I pushed everyone away, I skipped work, I ignored myself and others, I was as careless as you were when I left you.

that was me falling into disappointment, is it fair that you weren't there?

four months after I left you, I had a severe mental breakdown which included uncontrolled self harm and continuous screaming of “I want to die, leave me alone to die”, I remember my father holding my hands with all his might to keep me from harming myself, I remember my brother and sister crying in fear, I remember my mother begging me with all her heart to stop.  I remember being carried from the bathroom floor unto my bed, I remember passing out and waking up to seeing my family around me, my mother kissing my forehead, my father holding my hand, I remember myself crying, and I remember myself laughing, I remember being unable to stop laughing while I cried, my mother slowly backed away, with her hands on her mouth, saying she cannot take this anymore. I remember how my father gave me sleeping pills to put me to sleep that night. I remember how I woke up, full of bruises and scratches and swollen bumps on my head, my arms, my legs, my neck and even my face, one eye was swollen and bloodshot, my forehead numb because of all the bruises and my left cheek scratched, I remember how it hurt when tears fell down my face, and I perfectly remember how it did not matter at all, not one bit. my father begged me not to go to work, I knew how he thought I looked horrible but said it was because I needed to rest, I remember going and telling everyone who asked that I’ve been in an accident, I didn’t care if they believe me or not. I lost myself after that night.

that was me hitting my lowest rock bottom, is it fair that you weren't there?

five months after I left you, the news of your engagement spread, my mother and brother feared for me to lose my mind again, but I only cried my eyes out in silence and buried screams, we had guests that night, they saw me, they knew why, I didn’t care, my mother comforted me more than she usually does that night, my brother, too.

that was the night of your great betrayal, is it fair that you weren't there?

six months after I left you, I was diagnosed with a bacterial infection that required a three-day dose of a very strong antibiotic, it was the strongest one I ever had because the infection was severe and had to be managed rather quickly. The infection didn’t resolve and I needed a better doctor who prescribed a stronger antibiotic with a stronger dosage.

seven months after I left you, I was still going to emergency rooms because of my stomach and my cough, I was still taking IV fluids for all different reasons, I remember it not hurting anymore; needles coming in and out of my body, strong drugs didn’t burn and medications didn't work, I was desperate but hopeful, I was very sick very often that my parents started growing sick of it, I was too sick almost all the time, I started growing sick and tired of it too,.

that was sickness getting the best of me, is it fair that you weren't there?

ten months after I left you, I was crying outside the hospital because my scholarship request was rejected, I remember calling my mother and telling her that I wanted nothing more than to leave this place, I remember her telling me that maybe it was fate for me to stay, that maybe I should recover completely before going out there, because only god knows what awaits me. 

that was sickness winning, is it fair that you weren't there?

a year after I left you, I was with my parents visiting a doctor my father found online, that doctor was the eighth I visited in hope to find a cure for my cough and stomach, thankfully he was the best, and the last. a year after what seemed like an infinite list of medications, hospital visits and lots of crying, I was diagnosed with allergic rhinitis, along with severe depression and anxiety that caused ulcers in my stomach, I was prescribed antidepressants and proper medications for my allergies, after a month, I was finally, completely recovered.

I had a hard time quitting the antidepressants because I took them far more than the duration which the doctor’s prescribed, but I was slowly there, a year passed, and after so long, I was going to be okay again.

that was me surviving death, is it fair that you weren't there?

that was my year without you.

a full year of sorrow and sickness, that was what it took for my body to heal from you, that was what I had to pay for my sins, that was what you didn’t know of, haven’t heard of, and wasn’t a part of, because while you were out there trying to hurt me in every way you can as if I wasn't hurting at all, I was trying to keep you away from knowing about my suffering, trying to ignore you and simply trying to move on.

so tell me, is it fair for you or your friend to tell me about your suffering? is it fair for me to be constantly reminded by what burdened me and almost killed me for an entire year?  how is it fair for someone who spent the year which I have spent dying; traveling around the world, meeting as many girls and having as much fun as they can to talk about suffering? what do you know about suffering?

is it fair for you to have me back without ever properly asking? is it fair for me to go back to someone who’s unfailingly proven himself undeserving?

is it fair?  this is my question to you, now that you know what I’ve hidden. answer me .. is it fair?

#F

[buriedscreamsanddesires]

maybe there is a way.

a couple of weeks ago, your best friend contacted me, maybe it was you disguised as your best friend, I wouldn’t know, I couldn't tell. he -or you- tried to talk me out, talk me out of my silence and my distance, why can’t I return back to you, as if you tried, as if you came to me and asked, as if you made a clear sign of that burning desire of having me that your friend -or you- tirelessly tried to convince me with.

he loves you. he needs you. he wants to marry you. he can't live without you. I wished there was a way for me to explain it to you directly, I didn't want to harm your friend’s idea of you, he seemed to have a very little background on you regardless of how he thought otherwise, he knew how much I knew you best, because you told him I knew you best.  I wished there was a way that I could remind you of what you had done, and tell you the consequence of your heartless, mindless actions. today I had a dream of you, it was only just us two, you showed up out of nowhere and started saying what your friend has said, in his exact words, in the exact same way, that I remember how I realized that it was you all along, but couldn’t speak a word.  I remember you trying to convince me, no begging, just simple trying, even in dreams, your ego goes far beyond your feelings, what a manipulative work of dark art you are. when I finally started screaming and crying, when I decided to tell you everything, your eyes opened wide, and your fear smiled, all I could yell was “is it fair..” before the dream has ended.

I woke up thinking, I wish there was a way you could listen, I wished there was a way you could know, because even in dreams, I can’t get to you, but maybe there is a way, maybe it is the usual way, because maybe, just maybe, it is the only way.

#F

[buriedscreamsanddesires]

If you’re reading this. Please be reading this.

“It’s been almost three years and I manage to never speak or write of you, I try to avoid saying your name and/or listening to topics that concern you. I try to tell myself and assure others that I really am over you, I say I’m happy without you and my life has never been better. If you're reading this, I am a lying piece of shit.

If you're reading this, I am still very affected by your absence, I haven't had the kind of support that was enough for me to let you go, I know I was the one who made you walk away and let you go but that wasn't me as much as it wasn’t you, because if it were, why would I be writing this? Why would I keep adding you? Why would you be reading this? Please be reading this, until the very end.

I am almost never okay after a conversation of which you are mentioned, and especially when that conversation includes something like you doing something for “unknown reasons”. If you’re reading this, know that I get jealous over your intentions of exploring the world without me, I still remember our promise, I still cherish it and secretly wish for it to happen. Please be reading this, I want you to know.

Today I bury my screams in my heart, I lost my voice because everyone’s so cold and I cannot find one single being that I can talk to, I am trapped in four walls that keep getting tighter by the second. I miss talking to you more than I miss anything in life, it is the one thing I truly wish and long for more than most. If you're reading this, I tried to call you tonight but was afraid you won’t accept my return. Please be reading this and open the door, I’m almost home.

If you’re reading this, I was never in a relationship since I left you, and all my pathetic ways of showing my so claimed love life were as much of a lie as my “love life”. If you're reading this, I was trying to make you jealous. I was trying to teach you a lesson. Please be reading this, lesson learned.

If you’re reading this, I need to talk to you. Please be reading this, it’s too hard for me to take. If you’re reading this, I am lonely without you. Please be reading this, help me, I am going to break.”

#F

[buriedscreamsanddesires]

Yesterday.

Yesterday in the afternoon your sister called me. We talked for an hour and sixteen minutes, she did most of the talking, I did the listening, it seems like it’s all what I’ve been doing in my conversations lately, listening. She complained of her life, she complained about her mother, her husband and you, her brother and my ex, I couldn't breathe when she started talking about you, I was making noises as I was listening through the whole call until she mentioned your name, I was completely silent, I guess I still forget to breathe whenever someone says your name.

Yesterday in the evening, I told my mother about the phone call I had with your sister, I told her about everything she told me, about her mother, her husband and you, mostly about you, I told her about she said about you, about how she’s suffering from your needs to live alone, travel alone and simply be alone, how you never speak about your day, your life and your plans, how you do everything without council and live your life as if everyone’s a stranger. My mother heard me in silence until she broke and said to me: “What do you think about what’s happening?” About what? You mean with R (your sister), it’s quite sad, really. “No, I mean about what he’s doing.” I don't know, I can't tell. It’s none of my business. “Was he like this when you were together?” No, I mean yes, he wanted to be left alone but I always managed to bring him back, I guess, I don't know, I’m not sure. “Because I always think about it; it’s like a reaction.” What do you mean, mom? “I mean he started being like this only after you left him, as if he’s trying to prove something, that he’s better off everyone as long as you’re not there with him.” I denied it, I denied all of it, because I didn’t want her to worry, and I didn’t want to believe it, because I always saw it the way she saw it, the way everyone sees it, because you prove it everytime you get closer and try to send signals and messages, because I act like I don't see anything even when it’s right there in front of me, even though I’m the one who knows you best.

Yesterday I dreamt of you, and today, the day before yesterday, too. Yesterday I thought of you, and today, I guess my mind can’t quit you.

[buriedscreamsanddesires]

Goodbye, 2016. Hello, 2017.

I couldn't write about you, I tried but no matter how much I did I just couldn’t, a lot happened, and I mean too much for me to mention or even remember, I did right and wrong, memories’ been made, people changed, not as much as I did, and most importantly, I lost as much as I gained. I wanted to make this sentimental and full of emotion as I usually do, but I currently lack the desire to make things as they usually are, further changes have to be made, and I guess that is why I waited for the year to start in order to write this, I wasn’t ready, I wanted to have something to hope for, and now with the year starting and all, I do.

I will miss a lot of things, but there are many things I wouldn’t, I know you’ve been one of the best, but you’ve had some of the worse moments of which you kept between your folds, too. I can’t say you’re not special, because you were, my eyes were open to a lot of experiences, I laughed more than I cried, I had a lot of stories to share and keep, it’s been nice, but it hasn't been that way in the end. So goodbye, 2016. You’ve been good, and bad, but also special.

I am still hesitant about you, I am not sure how to feel, I am trying to feel optimistic, but I believe it’s just the number seven, I’ve never been much of a fan for odd numbers, but that is not what’s going to determine how you will be, right? Let’s not jump to conclusions, it’s only been two days, now. There is a lot to look up to, a lot of decisions of which have to made, a lot of moments of which will be created out of these decisions, I am fearful of the negative vibe I keep getting, and maybe it’s just me, actually, I hope it’s just me. I have so many plans, a lot at stake, as they say, but patience is the key, all good things to those who wait, don’t they say that, too?

The year started with drastic loss of weight, hair and major lack of sleep, my mood’s been fine which is always a good thing, anxiety keeps coming and going, as always, but with time, family, and bits of self-love, I think I will survive. I’ve been busy, and as bad as it is for the people around me, I am quite enjoying it, nothing better than to keep me busy, it keeps my thoughts organized, my anxiety silenced and my mind simply sane. I can’t complain.

All in all, for two days to judge, you’ve been good, and tomorrow I’m going shopping so you’re going just fine, that just means I have to give you the warm welcome you deserve. Hello, 2017. Please be the year of new beginnings, a new form of freedom, love and success.