burblingwindingriver

[burblingwindingriver]

yeah anyways my partner and tutor (separate people) told me i was overstressed so i've decided to immigrate back to tumblr where i will restart my nonsense with the safety of complete anonymity

[burblingwindingriver]

just sat down at my desk when i was struck with the urge to naruto run around the student village i live in

[burblingwindingriver]

Wednesday

Today was nice, I made a sudden decision to leave my study section half an hour early to get a coffee from my local haunt, and sit by the river in the park with a cigarette in one hand, and a coffee in the other. I’ve been under a lot of stress recently and the 5 minutes that I sat down and unwound made all the difference. However, the supervising staff did do a register which I wasn’t present for, so I made a phony excuse of having stomach issues meaning that I was toilet bound for half an hour. This has been passed onto my head of year because I was absent from the study centre, the head of year I have a lesson with tomorrow. I’ve deciced to double down on my lie, and I will remain adamant that I’ve been having bloating and had something bad to eat. To back up my lie, I manage to convince my mother that I did, and she mentioned feeling the same since we shared the same food last night, I’ve also told all my friends other than two that that was why I wasn’t present, and late that morning. If he doesn’t believe me, I will ask him to call my mother and get her confirmation that I’ve a little medical issue. For an excuse I made up 4 minutes in advance, I’ve gone through a lot of effort to make it appear true, and it’ll be sorely disappointing to have it fail on me. 

So yeah, I feel absolutely no guilt in lying to all these people, because if I say ‘I’m stressed, and needed to smoke and have a coffee’, I’m pretty sure that sounds a lot worse. To me this is an exercise in how to create a story, twist the facts of life to feed into it and to then lie to people’s faces because I’m too proud to admit that I’ve been overwhelmed.

[burblingwindingriver]

Daily update

I spilt super hot spaghetti on my feet today before I even got to have a bite, and while I was screaming my head off, I was thinking about how I could scoop it back onto my plate and retain maximum sauce so that I get stuck in once the pain had subsided. It was demeaning

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Something I’ve struggled with in the past few months is people bringing up my past, more specifically the type of person I was, the things I said, and the things I did. Back when I was 13-16, I never really found my groove or the kind of person I wanted to be, so instead I mirrored the behaviour and sentiments of the people around me to fit in, and I only hung out with the racist, misogynistic, homophobic group of ‘cool’ teenagers. I was a horrible little teenager, with controversial for the sake of controversial views, and behaviour that I look at today with disgust. 

From year to year while I did get progressively kinder, and more accepting I still found it difficult to look at the smaller issues like the way that I react to certain people’s presence and my innate desire to be different. My values and opinions have changed so much and I don’t consider myself the same person so when people find out about my prior self, I feel incredibly ashamed and guilty.

Whenever someone says ‘can we talk about something?’, my blood runs cold as I worry that the past that I tried my hardest to bury and cut ties with has come back to ruin my present relationships.

[burblingwindingriver]

Update of today

Being the numpty I am, I managed to lose my coat, bag, and phone all before 8.45am. I got them all back, and it wasn’t difficult but I do have a bit more respect for people now. I can count at least 2 strangers who decided to help me no questions asked, and I cannot express the depth of gratitude I have to them. 

Shoutout Amelia, I don’t know who you are but you’re a real one.

[burblingwindingriver]

First things first

Bonjour, I don’t speak French. I’m River, I’m 17, cisgender male, Sri Lankan East London scum. I know that doesn’t narrow it down much, it’s not meant to. I’m a longterm tumblr ghost but through the lens of instagram. Sue me. I made this blog because I felt like it on the train today, and I want to document my existence as it goes. Maybe in a couple years I’ll look back and laugh at this, or I won’t look back at all. Anyways, I’ll try to update you guys as much as I can and talk, I’m awfully good at that.

#city slickers #new