bug-slug

[bug-slug]

Snail

Slow and thoughtful. No rush, no hurry. Careful. Pull inward and hide. Each touch, a pain. Each shadow, a worry. Feast upon what already died.

And crawling upon the weeping earth, Saline tears need not be shed. Leaves that have fallen and left none bereft, In a garden, shall all be fed.

#snail #😊 #it's silly but i'm posting this cause i realized i'm inspired to write about the natural world again #it's been... a long time lol

[bug-slug]

I'm in love with a woman I've never met.

And this sounds exactly like something I'd do.

But what's amazing is she knows. She knows and she doesn't hate me for it. She's not repulsed or disturbed. She's not hurt or betrayed. She's not shrinking away.

In fact, she says she loves me too.

And the child that resides under my years of adulthood, the one I carry in my chest, simply does not believe it yet. They tell me, remember how much it hurt? To be the abomination? The pervert? The queer?

And I'm holding that child like they never were held and I'm telling them the world isn't so choking and cruel. She's gentle and kind. She won't hate you for loving her. She won't hate you at all.

And the child is stubborn and quite good at building walls. They would build forts for hiding. Always hiding. I tuck them between my ribs and let them hide because I think if I'm gentle with them, they'll be gentle with me. And they'll see, it doesn't hurt anymore. It doesn't hurt at all.

#this started as something else and then changed halfway through #and on some levels i don't like it but at the same time it tugs at me

[bug-slug]

I am digging through the earth

I once dug down. Down, down. Searching for answers. I knew they would be buried; the most important truths often are. I dug down until I found what I thought I needed.

I dug down, like vermin do. They're more forgiving anyway. Their burrows stay warm. I rested until I grew too big to remain. I dug further down. Beyond the present and beyond the past, I nestled in the ribs of something more than dead, and I thought, I could die here too.

But I'm still digging through, earth and rock and something else entirely

I now dig up. Up, up! I didn't know I had been until I struck daylight. It burned, but the greatest pleasures often do. I pushed through dirt until I found what I needed. What I didn't know existed.

I pushed up through the dirt like beetles in June. Years sleeping dead in the soil only to sprout with the poppies. And I am unsure of my many limbs, my mouth, my eyes but I nestle in the chest of someone more than kind. More than lovely. More than worthy of what I have to give. And I think to myself, I could live like this. I could live like this.

#i just felt like i needed to write something out

[bug-slug]

I take time between my teeth, tear into it. Grinding it down, minute by minute. Swallow the shards because with each agonizing second, I'm that much closer to being with her.

#long distance relationship #but i'll be so excited when i get to see her

[bug-slug]

One thing about researching world around you is that it becomes a bit friendlier once you know it better. If you see a random spider- you get scared. You see plants and consider them just weeds. You look at night sky and see a bunch of stars.

And then, you learn names.

Now, it is an orbweaver, and you consider them a friend. The greenery around is a laurel, or an alium, or osmanthus, and you know which of them to keep away from, and which of them are great herbs for tea. Now, you look up and see a whole parade of Venus, Ursa Major, or Orion. You now know their names, and, if you respect them- they become allies of yours.

#yesssssss

[bug-slug]

I am a soft creature laid out across a warm rock. I press my skin close to the smooth lengths and take care around the hard edges. I know the rock is cruel in its own way, but here it is warm and forgiving. It will stay warm even after sunset.

I don’t blame the rock for the blood that has stained it. Blood runs fast, the rock is porous, it never stood a chance at staying clean. Some creatures of the rock say it drinks our blood willingly, it is our sacrifice; the rock is gluttonous. I don’t believe so.

The rock is warm, and it is cold. It is sharp, and it is smooth. I think it’s sick of our blood. I think it knows how to take the running blood and return it to life, but too much and it’s inundated. There is nowhere for it to go. I think it would like us to stop making each other bleed under the guise of sacrifice, redemption, justice and salvation. I think it would like to dry out and be washed clean. 

#this is nonsense as per usual #but i feel the need to get things out of my head today lol

[bug-slug]

How to be too much, yet not enough:

Miscommunicate. Assume she wants what's best for you. Trust her when she says she wants to grow old with you. Pretend you know what that means.

Pour until you're so empty it would hurt if you could feel anything. Don't cry when she looks inside and sees how empty you are. When she says so much to your face, when she says you're nothing. As good as nothing. Smile and tell her you'll try harder. Miscommunicate. Say you love her when you really mean to say "I want to love you, but you're hurting me. Please stop hurting me so I may love you in peace." Grow a little bitter when you realize it was never going to matter, she would never hear you, you would never reach her.

Break like a wave along an unforgiving shore. All the force and desire of the ocean against rocks that everyone knows can kill. Do it again. And again. And again. Realize the rocks are cruel but maybe you're just as dangerous. Maybe you mistook love for drowning. Maybe you drowned a long time ago and this is what ghosts do. Living only in the echos of their death. Miscommunicate. Tell her you don't want to die but you can't keep doing this, when what you really mean is you're willing to die but not like this. She'll call you her rock. Were you a rock all along? Were you both rocks sinking deeper into the depths of her despair? Did you really think you could tread water with her in your arms?

Miscommunicate. Tell her you're sorry you failed her, when what you really mean is you're sorry you never told her no. Not in anyway she could respect. Maybe if you had she wouldn't have chewed you up and spat you out. Maybe you wouldn't hate her. She'll tell you she's sorry, but what she really means is she's sorry you're angry because it inconveniences her. But she's not sorry you're hurt. She doesn't see how that's her problem.

Carry it for too long, nothing else available to fill the space carved out of you. Disgust yourself with the shape of it, how its meant for her. Cry when you realize it might be hopeless. You're not built for anything else, you were molded into something, then broken. Too much, yet not enough. Miscommunicate. Tell yourself you can fix it when what you really mean is you can't but maybe you can be worth something anyway.

#this feels like nonsense but I wanted it out of my brain

[bug-slug]

 The shade is cool, this is not a human invention nor our discovery.

A human is tired and lays in the shade. A rhino is tired and lays in the shade. So will a lion. And so will a duckling.

I watch as kittens crawl under a dumpster, it's somewhere safe. I marvel at how they know this. The instinct to avoid exposure. Cars fly by never to know there is a tiny life too close to their crushing weight, I think of all the life I've seen littered on the roadside.

Humans decide so many terrible things in this world. The mourning doves gather at the gutter rivulets in the street. When I cross I try not to scare their flight towards traffic. Water is water. Shade is shade. A safe place to rest is a haven, even a dumpster. Even a wheel well. Even a storm drain.

Humans decide such terrible things in this world, despite how we all want a place to rest.

[bug-slug]

tshirt that says be patient with me i am constantly relearning what it means to be human

[bug-slug]

I'm lonely like I am everyday. It's not strange or new.

I check the calender to make sure I know what month it is, what day of the week. They all feel the same.

Time is slipping past me. I can't feel it. I ask what year it is. I ask again. And again. Why can't I remember? I get scared I'm somewhen else. Some other time and place. I know that can't be right, because time keeps moving. But what if it's all been a dream? And I'm still trapped. And scared. And hurting. What if I wanted out so bad I imagined a future worth reaching? But now I have no sense for the present. Always reaching through the sands of time, burning, scoring. I feel nothing.

[bug-slug]

How I long to give my heart away

But here it must stay

#queer

[bug-slug]

You never learned to leave the flowers alone. You loved them so you picked them. Broke their stems in your hands. Tore them asunder only to wonder why they wilt soon after. And then you cry and swear everything abandons you. Poor thing.

You broke me in your hands, and wondered why I wilted, why the life drained out of me. You wonder why I had nothing left to give. And you cried how I was leaving just like everyone else. You cried, this always happens. I don't want to blame you darling, but couldn't you learn to be more gentle?

I would've stayed, darling. If you hadn't of ripped me to shreds. Plucked me to add to your crown. Of course your reign ended. When my petals fell, your kingdom did too. And neither of us were any good at laying down roots.

[bug-slug]

Ah. I guess I have something to say to you, but I won't.

Did you miss it? The love that was given? Did it breeze past you once again?

I said I enjoy, the thought of a tender embrace. Warm, shaking palms, lips pressed wherever they dare.

You said it wasn't for you. You preferred the ice queen and her toy. And I think that is because you are the ice queen. And I was your toy.

Until I broke.

I stand by what I said and I'm glad I lived to see it. I wonder if it tastes sweet to you too. Or if you look away. I wonder if it makes you think of me. I hope it's bitter. I hope it's a mouthful of dirt. I hope you spit it out. The way you spat on me.

I'll never understand why you couldn't celebrate what wasn't yours.

#her again

[bug-slug]

When you're alone. Like the middle of nowhere alone, like how many, many have been for generations. Isolated by way of oceans and mountains and deserts. You can tell yourself it's due to circumstance. So it's not your fault.

It's not my fault.

But with all these little windows into thousands and thousands of worlds, windows you can't quite shut. To bodies and bodies walking, bodies crawling up the walls you can't avoid the reality, you damned yourself.

I damned myself.

#lonely #fuck i sure am

[bug-slug]

It warms me as much as it wounds me

I suppose it's all the blood bubbling up, filling my chest, spilling from my lips, running down my neck

It's warm on my skin but I'm dying. I know it.

I'd rather it were hands and tongues hot against me, because the crimson puddle will turn cold I know. I know it.

I'll have no more blood left to bleed. And what once warmed me will leave me cold, the wound too far open and too far gone. I don't suppose you could love me then.

The window of opportunity is closing.

#i'm just lonelyyyyyyyyy 🙃 #you know what day it is #blood #wounds #death #bleeding

[bug-slug]

Also. Lizard

#my pictures #lizard #reptile #all the creeping crawling children of the dirt are waking for the spring season #bit early tho. they may want to hit snooze

[bug-slug]

I keep forgetting I can post slug here. This is the best photo I could get unfortunately. I tried for better but you can't have it all.

#my pictures #slug #molluscs #second slug i've seen in my life #much bigger this time #have i posted the other? i'll check but i believe so