bufferingsys

[bufferingsys]

Do any other systems have a “pain holder” or an alter that explicitly fronts during severe pain and is able to handle it better than any other alter in the system?

#not Pain Holder specifically but we have a handful of guys for dealing with the Illness Episodes #wgich usually does heavily involve The Pains #so i guess yes kind of

[bufferingsys]

How can narcissistic personalities result from trauma?

While narcissism as a personality trait has existed for a long time, there is an increasing amount of people who associate the term the diagnosis "narcissistic personality disorder". I have put this in quotes because I believe cluster B personality disorders should not exist as diagnoses because they stigmatize maladaptive personality traits developed in response to trauma, and this stigmatization hinders a victim's ability to seek support and advocate for themselves.

I am a child abuse victim diagnosed borderline personality disorder with narcissistic traits and this post is based on a combination of research and personal experience. As mentioned above, I am opposed to referring to victims as narcissists, but for the sake of this post, I'll be using phrasing recognizable to people with misconceptions about the topic. Please bear with me.

Childhood trauma is a common contributing factor in cluster B personality disorders even in the psychiatric diagnosis; however, when most people think of these disorders, they think of an abuser and not a victim, especially in the case of narcissism--after all, the term 'narcissist' is a pejorative with synonyms such as 'conceited' and 'self absorbed'.

In order to grapple with the source of a narcissistic personality developed in response to trauma, you must first be aware of what narcissism in NPD is actually like. These narcissists are not supervillains who successfully gain the love and support of everyone. Narcissism holds you back in life. For example, it makes rejection and criticism especially difficult to deal with, which can make maintaining relationships or even having a consistent career difficult. The confident demeanor of a narcissist--while it lasts until narcissistic collapse--is not genuine self-love. It's a way to mask vulnerability to avoid harm that was inescapable in the past. A narcissist is significantly more self-conscious than the average person, as they must inflate themselves in every scenario in order to feel safe and secure. This is where we can see the internal suffering of a narcissist and how such a personality is, at its core, a defensive reaction to trauma.

But what about entitlement?

"I deserved the pain." Self-blaming response to trauma.

"I deserve better". Healing response to trauma.

"Others deserve worse". Vindictive response to trauma.

While narcissism is associated with the last response, it's entirely possible for narcissists to have escalated from the first, or even cycle between all three. You have to keep in mind a narcissist is not actually in love with themselves--but in order for a person to be entitled, you may be thinking they must see themselves as superior in some way, right? Well, it's more complicated than that. Different responses to trauma can arise depending on the person's life experience, past trauma, and current situation. Interaction with victims that have similar trauma, such as in a group therapy setting, can provoke a narcissist's view on vulnerability. With their perception of the world and human relationships, they may view other victims as weak if they appear to have a more 'sensitive' reaction, because this is the type of reaction narcissists try so badly to hide in themselves in order to avoid potential harm. If a narcissist views an abuse victim--or anyone, really--as 'weak' in comparison, they will feel wounded and experience vindictive jealousy when a person that triggers their vulnerability in some way has successes in life. This is where the sense of entitlement comes in. As a defensive reaction, narcissists try to convince themselves they are in some way more deserving of a better life. "A better life" for a narcissist, as developed through trauma, often involves some sort of power. This can lead to fixation on things like wealth, fame, and material items. Anything to appear 'better'. Anything to appear secure. Any way to feel in control and invincible from abuse.

It's not a sympathetic reaction to trauma, but it is equally painful and damaging as any other. If you are a victim with this sort of behavior, you're not "hopeless" like the internet will tell you. At age 25, I have not intentionally caused anyone pain in 6 years. The vindictive feelings are there, but I choose to back away when I feel I may involve others in my own pain. "I don't deserve it, but neither do you."

#pd tag #:[ ...

[bufferingsys]

licensed therapists when your problems aren't mild social anxiety and being sad once in a while

[bufferingsys]

[bufferingsys]

when i say "it's my fault", i feel rather detached from the words. i don't think i fully believe anything can be my fault. it's either the other person's fault or no one's.

#i feel like theres something about the word 'fault' that just doesnt register #maybe its the connotation that you made a mistake #or that i feel guilty about it which im 99% of the time just Unable to even if i recognize the Results of the Action are Bad #i dont think i ever say something is my Fault unless im like mid breakdown. its just my 'responsibility' instead #or 'i caused this/im the reason this happened' because i just wont process it otherwise #sorry for tagrambling lol this is just a long winded 'yeah i feel this' #pd tag

[bufferingsys]

Cluster b culture(for me specifically aspd and npd) is going from 'I'm a person just like you and everyone else with normal interests and feelings' to 'actually I am a monster in a human suit and I'm proud of it'

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#Help #pd tag

[bufferingsys]

ASPD culture is journals, articles, etc talking about your disorder in the most ridiculous and fear-inducing way possible. “Viewing the world as their personal chessboard”, no need for hilarious and inaccurate metaphors, okay. What always gets me is when they eventually mention the “calculating” aspect, to “advance our own agendas”. Listen, everyone tries to make progress in their life by planning, I’m sorry if we do it more throughly.

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#and do we even Really do it more thoroughly...... #pd tag

[bufferingsys]

i keep repeating it but i feel like its because nobody believes me still, but all my anger and lashing out is just a defensive instinct. its all like #all trauma responses are valid! until your brain only has the fight button

#im noooooooot unhingeeeeedd ahhhhhhh #i know ive broken stuff and yelled at people but its just that. just that at the worst case scenarios #i would never hit anyone if they didnt hit me first!!! fuckkkkkkk #🍬🌧️ #i feel like the more i talk about it the worse i sound...

[bufferingsys]

on one hand its kinda funny to have the ooo evil person who sucks disorders because you see others talking about it like its so crazy but all thats going on in your head just feels like different flavors of annoyance and dissatisfaction

on the other it kind of sucks majorly for obvious reasons ☹️

#idk i hope the people i love believe i really do love them. for them and not some kind of benefit #and that i want to help and dont want to harm my loved ones #you can probably tell already that i have a huge complex about being seen as a cold sadist lmao #🍬🌧️

[bufferingsys]

Host: experiences trauma Brain:

#(;&/¥:@(¥@:&(&(

[bufferingsys]

Shout out to canine alters!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love y- wait- I mean, I’m sniffing you I’m sniffing you I’m sniffing you I’m sniffing you I’m sn

[bufferingsys]

making a lunch so depressingly mid it makes the people youre living with question if you lost all your memory of cooking (the answer is yes)

#ruti.txt #what ever i am not very creative with tags

[bufferingsys]

i hate "sociopaths cant feel love 🤪" . someone literally said that to my face . its never phrased as "people who experience child abuse cant feel love" . people w ASPD are always seen as aggressors etc . i hate it .

it's so. augh. there are so many things people without aspd say to us that are genuinely awful. but that's one of the worst for me. i don't see a lotta aspd people talking about this and i guess i get why (vulnerability equals death and also many of us are honest to god edgelords, nothing wrong with this but it's true)

but every time i remember that there are people who genuinely think that i get a little bit insaner. like oh okay you think that i can't love or even like or even just appreciate someone for who they are and that all my good actions are for the sake of some sort of material gain? and the reason you think that essentially is the fact i got abused as a kid? i will never be convinced that this is not treating someone as less than human. and because of that i am never not going to be at least a little bit Upset over it

#🍯 04

[bufferingsys]

hello i am mr dr psychiatrist phd. this is my diagnosis i created. it's called fucking loser who sucks ass disorder. if i have a patient and i dont like them they obviously have this. the symptoms are if i dont like someone, if they annoy me, if they have a symptom i dont undersrtand, if they are weird or lame, etc.

[bufferingsys]

Aspd culture is not showing any sign of illness unless it benefits you or you think your about to fucking die

aspd-culture is "bitch the only weakness you're gonna see out of me is at my funeral".

#for realsies #i did that with covid

[bufferingsys]

#its not even a guilty pleasure because it causes no pleasure but it sure does the job at eliciting Feeling #pd tag

[bufferingsys]

okay that mightve been a bit of a #symptoms syndrome moment now that i think about it while being less mad. but my point + question still stand. how come im the bad one for not liking that people assume i am an evil sadist and what way other than snapping back is there to react to this ?

genuine question actually i would like to Understand the logical process that leads to that. i wonder if its like the uncanny valley feeling

#yknow. the feeling of repulsion because something you do not consider human Looks human #i do kind of think that people who are especially shitty about this at least subconsciously #believe that the lack of empathy/remorse and willingness to do things they wouldnt #makes somebody less than human. #its just what i get when i try to read into it though #🎀 02