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maybe its maybelline. maybe its goblin magic. those are the only two options

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you, a poser: god is dead

me, a necromancer and an oppurtunist: wait, what?

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The librarian leans in close. “Books… unavailable to the average citizen, warlock? I believe I can help you.” She leads you through winding halls until you come to a tiny doorway. Surreptitiously, she slips a small key into the lock and motions you in. Torches flicker, and as your eyes adjust to the light, you see that the room is full floor-to-cieling with… gnome erotica.

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Saturday morning purr sesh (make sure to turn on the sound)

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headcanon that started as a joke and is now too elaborate for its own good:

for various reasons, not the least of which is the anniversary of the KaibaCorp takeover and Gozaburo’s death, Kaiba does not care to make an occasion out of his birthday. so what if he’s a year older? entropy is irreversible, no one escapes the arrow of time, etcetera. only nerds care about this

But one year, with Mokuba’s help, Yugi tries to take Kaiba out for a surprise (and very low-key) birthday dinner, but Kaiba catches wind of it about five minutes before Yugi arrives (Yugi sent a snapchat from the subway and Kaiba’s internal alarm bells immediately started to ring) and he fucking vanishes. just nopes out. his NOT-FRIEND??? on his BIRTHDAY? absolutely the fuck not! when Yugi and Mokuba get to Kaiba’s office, it’s empty. there is only an abandoned folder of marked-up duel disk schematics on the desk and a flurry of confused messages on the KaibaCorp internal chat channels, leaving a breadcrumb trail of fleeting, cryptid-like Kaiba sightings throughout the KaibaCorp campus (marketing intern: hey Kaiba just told me this press release needs more dragons? how do I do that, it’s a press release?) With these clues in hand, they find him an hour later, sitting under a desk in the R&D department with his laptop, and like the ungracious loser he is, he bitches for ten minutes before Mokuba makes him go out for birthday dinner.

next year, Yugi is prepared for Kaiba to refuse birthday dinner - Mokuba gives him a key card that lets him search most of KaibaCorp, and access to Kaiba’s calendar a week in advance - and Kaiba is prepared for Yugi’s preparations. he filled his calendar with fake meetings. his three assistants have each been told something different about his ~REAL~ schedule for the day. However, he leaves Yugi two (2) clues: a math problem, which is a red herring that takes Yugi to the R&D department again (Kaiba isn’t dumb enough to hide in the same place twice, which is what he wants me to think, which is why he’s probably there – ) and a word problem, which leads Yugi to the legal department, where Kaiba is on a conference call in a broom closet. it takes Yugi two hours and 43 minutes to find him. Kaiba, recognizing that the jig is up and Yugi rose to the challenge as usual, grudgingly goes out to birthday dinner.

the same thing happens the year after that, and the year after THAT, to the point that Kaiba’s birthday is no longer just “Kaiba’s birthday” but the Annual Hunt for Kaiba, a non-lethal Greatest Game where both of them start making preparations weeks in advance and Mokuba flips a coin to figure out whose side he’s on THIS year. Kaiba has handicaps like “you can’t leave KaibaCorp, you can’t take the elevators, you can’t make any of the interns lie for you” and he crashes the chat channels to prevent people from leaking his hiding place and Joey and Tristan have kidnapped Mokuba at least once to blackmail him into putting trackers in Kaiba’s coats but Kaiba knows they did it so he kept a change of clothes hidden in his office but Yugi flipped Roland a week before the Hunt so he knows what the new outfit looks like and on and on and ON, to ever-greater levels of scheming, and by Year 5 some new employee is like “hey… I think the boss just rappelled past the window” bc someone leaked Kaiba’s hiding place on the 11th floor and Yugi’s on the way and someone else is like “oh it’s his birthday” and the new guy is like ……?????????

Anyway, that’s how Kaiba’s birthday stops being a miserable anniversary of bad shit and instead becomes an advanced, high-stakes cat-and-mouse game of hide-and-seek with Yugi & Friends that he somehow loses every year, after which he is dragged out to birthday dinner. He claims to hate the whole thing (what a waste of time!!!) but when he sends Yugi a text in July asking for this year’s handicaps, that’s when Yugi fucking knows he’s lying. got ‘im

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ok.. only because i’ve been laughing about this all day… my friend and i have a running joke that pegasus and kaiba harass each other in the pettiest, stupidest ways because pegasus loves to get kaiba’s goat, and had it not been for the laws of this land, kaiba would’ve slaughtered him years ago, and in public they have to be mostly civil to each other because of the business dealings between industrial illusions and kaibacorp.

anyway. they’re like cats. they look each other directly in the eyes and knock things over. kaiba takes a sip of a $500 glass of champagne, makes a face, and pours it into a potted plant because it’s “gross.” pegasus is SCANDALIZED. pegasus gives all of the industrial illusions projects bullshit names that he knows kaiba will hate, like kaiba’s going over his schedule with his assistant, and he’s like, “and on friday i have a call with pegasus about…” he briefly disassociates “…the ‘hewwo mister dwagon’ project”

#headcanon ACCEPTED

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rewatching duelist kingdom is really interesting because you can imagine yugi being like, “kaiba what were you doing during duelist kingdom” and kaiba’s like “pegasus’ henchmen had me at gunpoint, twice, but i disarmed them all and escaped. also i snuck into my own house, hacked some satellites, stole a helicopter, and broke into pegasus’ castle” and yugi’s like “okay… i call bullshit” 

and kaiba takes a slurp of his protein shake and he’s like “fine. what were YOU doing” and yugi goes “well the evil spirit that lives in bakura’s ring trapped us in a card game where we all took the roles of our favorite duel monsters cards” and kaiba’s like “no, THAT’S bullshit”

#tbh #i love this #i want more yugi kaiba interaction like this

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Let Mokuba say bitch

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Just introduced a kid to her adoptive parents. They brought her a dozen roses. We met at a restaurant. I arrived early to get a private booth and told the waitstaff what was up. So all the servers were having a cry in the corner. I’m at a coffee shop a few miles away, giving them space and having my own cry.

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When someone thinks they beat you at an argument and you line up all of your receipts to decimate them:

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this is me

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Aliens would probably think we are hardcore as fuck when they discover we consume poison for our entertainment.

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tell me this isn’t the cutest thing I’ve ever seen

#this is so cute #where is it from

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