bpdfoxmulder

[bpdfoxmulder]

i feel so bad bc i want to go to this book store where they also sell flags n i wanna buy a trans flag but like if i wait till i feel not-anxious enough to go alone i will never go and surely not before my citys pride. so like i askes my mum to go w me... she said yes but like she wants to bring my brother too and i love my brother but im not out to him/its complicated and i jusr. feel bad bc i dont wanna go there and pretend im a cis girl and say my birthname and stuff i wanna be Out And Proud as much as i can and if im not Out And Proud AT A FREAKING LGBT+ PLACE where can i be??

#ifeel so.. sad bc my mum tries i know she does but she rarely gets my name ans pronouns right #and doesnt understand how much it means to me #and i wanted to go to the book store today bc if we go during the week theres no way we can leave my brother home alone #but ofc im me so i didnt just tell my mum Lets Go Today And Without My Brother #bc i wouldve felt guilty for who the fuck knows what reasons??? #so like i hoped shed Get It by herself somehow #she didnt. #and we actually fought about smth else so yay i feel even worse #kill me please

[bpdfoxmulder]

im so fucking angry ohm y god i want to puncb the wall until my hand is all bruised

#i remember last time that happened it was so. satisfying. seeing my hand look like that #txt #self harm // #anyway im fucked up but its also true that people fucking drive me to feel like this

[bpdfoxmulder]

super fun bpd experience: not being able to talk about so much shit w ur therapist cause u only see them once a week but ur moods and mindsets change hourly

#i know

[bpdfoxmulder]

my mum @ me at least 3 times a day: WHY do you have to turn EVERYTHING into a tragedy me @ my mum at least 3 times a day: because B P D, i don’t do it on PURPOSE

#actuallybpd #actuallyborderline #actuallymentallyill #txt #we literally have this conversation EVERY FUCKING DAY and every time she says that my self hatred gets stronger #so like @ mum maybe stop ???

[bpdfoxmulder]

i lvoe being ignored by all my friends. literally all of them. i love it

#ha ha i dont trust anyone i cant think of anyone having a good reason not to b espeaking to me #my new educator today: i know time is needed to built trust #me internally: trust ahahahh never gonna happen #i want ot kill myself what is the point of anything

[bpdfoxmulder]

someone: *is obviously gonna fuck me over and play with my feelings* my damaged ass: that one. we want that one

#:-) i hate myself

[bpdfoxmulder]

name a more iconic duo than my inappropriately intense emotions and my chronic feelings of emptiness,,,,,, i’ll wait

[bpdfoxmulder]

my new educator @ my ex psychiatrist who was passing by: hello!

my ex psychiatrist: oh hi!

me, internally: please don't please don't please don't

my ex psychiatrist @ me: hi [deadname]

#its been hours but i still want to fucking d i e #goddammit gnvsfdbj #okay like i never talked to him abt me being trans #but thats bc i never HAD THE CHANCE #1) i chickened out at our last appointment and didnt talk to him abt it but my therapist had already told him #2) then he said he was moving and i had to change psychiatrist #IDK itd be nice not to be deadnamed like that in public #the new educator had already slipped up twice n misgendered me... #which i dont hold against her but it still hurts yknow #ugh whatever

[bpdfoxmulder]

a Neurotypical: don't worry!! you are NOT your mental illness!!

me, an intellectual: i literally have no idea what i would be without the shitstorm my mental health is and my trauma

[bpdfoxmulder]

[nothing makes me happy anymore]

me: minimalism

#me

[bpdfoxmulder]

every little thing reminds me of ex friend who left me and honestly like. wasnt every little thing reminding me of ex best friend who abandoned me enough? why did it have to happen again so soon wby cant i have a FUCKING BREAK im so angry. and i know in a few minutes ill be sad. and wait a little bit and ill be e m p t y. gotta love those mood swings

#:))))))) #txt #i want to kill myself! #im only holding on bc football tmrw! #watch me kill myself if my teams dont win these 2 important games! #suicide m //

[bpdfoxmulder]

concept: i don’t miss my fps that abandoned me

#lmao i m a g i n e

[bpdfoxmulder]

ill have you know i have never gotten over anything in my life, ever,

#me

[bpdfoxmulder]

Someone: why are you always so clingy?? 

Me: 

[bpdfoxmulder]

#ahdfsdj #me

[bpdfoxmulder]

i cant fucking stop stress eating i want to die im so fat and disgusting

#txt

[bpdfoxmulder]

#whywhyw hy #me