bpdeathplease

[bpdeathplease]

I’m so fucking sick of life. I wish I had a proper mother. I wish I had anyone I could vent to without worrying too much about their health to be honest. I wish I wasn’t such a fucking weirdo. I wish I wasn’t so ill. So sick in my stupid fucking head. I wish there was proper care for the mentally ill. I wish everything was different and that I was far away. I wish I could stop caring about other people so I could just neck myself. I wish I wish I wish. I wish I was fucking dead.

[bpdeathplease]

go off your meds and skip your meals

love that empty inside

aching void you can’t fill

fuck trying. futile. never be normal

this is forever

chronic

terminal

brain made wrong

can’t switch on

overcompensate

this tightrope

you alright? nope

Yes. Fine. Never better.

you’re the crazy one

holding a knife to your own back

dont say a word

three steps ahead of you

won’t know I’m not well until I snapchat you from hospital

sorry

[bpdeathplease]

fucking starve piece of shit

[bpdeathplease]

21.12.17

I can, and I will, drain your poison from my bloodstream.

One day I will be free of you. And of this.

[bpdeathplease]

I want to go somewhere no one knows me. I want to disappear. I can’t handle being here anymore. Everything I choose is wrong for me. I can’t love properly, my job was destroying me. A fresh start in a new home might help, but god fucking damn I just want to die. I’m such an embarrassment, a psychotic person who doesn’t have any friends. They all hate me, I know they do. Maya thinks I’m a pitiable rude mess, Amy provably feels too awkward to cut ties with me at this point but is burdened by me, Josh just needs a housemate and will put up with me, Vic probably just feels bad for me. Everyone else probably just sees me to laugh at me.

[bpdeathplease]

No one cares

No one is taking it seriously

Filled up to the brim, nothing left

[bpdeathplease]

I'm trying to distract myself constantly

From my brain planning my suicide notes. How I would make sure only trained professionals found me, people who are prepared and have safety nets. I wonder if I would be out of it enough to not suffer too badly. Drowning would be terrible, but it seems like the better way to go. Maybe.

I wish I wasnt home alone when my brain is like this. A minefield of hallucinations and intrusive suicidal thoughts.

I distract myself to stay alive.

[bpdeathplease]

i started self harming in 5th or 6th grade, i’m not exactly sure

i did that up until grade 11, when my boyfriend guilted me into stopping, and i immediately developed an eating disorder 

when everyone wanted me to stop starving myself, i started smoking

and drinking

and drinking and drinking and occasionally doing drugs 

but mostly smoking and drinking 

so far i’ve been using quit smoking apps

but it makes it so much harder 

when they count the hours I’ve added on to my life

i’ve been obsessed with hurting myself since i was about 9

addicted to the hope that i’m making sure i don’t have to suffer for as long

[bpdeathplease]

I keep hallucinating it's more than usual I see figures and flashes of light I hear heartbeats and people speaking I taste blood in my mouth and think that I have chunks of jagged metal stuck in my tongue I mm not sure if it's real but in the mirror, the metal isn't there, when I hear multiple heartbeats, no one is close enough to me for it to be theirs, the flashes of light don't come from anywhere, the figures come closer and then disappear, I hear people speaking to me and asking me questions but when I turn around there's no one there I can't sleep and I can't stop imagining my suicide, planning my letters, who I'd write to. Making sure the person to find me was no one I knew. What I'd take and how much and the last thing I'd see. I want to die suffering with no one around me One of my close friends said that pain was a good deterrent of suicide. The painless methods scare me more. Gun shot, falling? No thank you. I deserve to be in pain, I deserve to feel sick and out of breath and desperate and to clutch my stomach, my head in agony. The time I was closest to succeeding, was when I saw suicide as the only way to leave an abusive relationship. The pain didn't bother me that time. I cried and hyperventilated, but I laid back, waiting. I felt relief. Until he found me. I tried to escape, I crawled inside a tiny storm drain, hoping to get too far in for him to reach me, but it didn't work. He pulled me out, kicking and screaming, clawing at the filthy drain wall. When I was with him I was delusional and paranoid. My anxiety became agoraphobia, my stress became alternating between catatonic dissociation and loud, hysterical panic attacks. This was constant. Every day I was powerless. I was so desperate to die. It was the only way I knew I could escape. Suicide is an old friend. My backup plan, escape route. I need the option to be there right now. I need to make the choice whether or not I live. The guilt I feel from my family has to an extent, taken that from me. I do not like to feel trapped. With all my intrusive thoughts, my hallucinations, my delusions, my paranoia, my impulsive behaviour; should I be working as much as I am? Should I have this job at all? Should I have contact with my family when it damages me so? Should I be hospitalised?

[bpdeathplease]

i’ve been in a really bad place recently. I’m having suicidal thoughts. The stress of the drama with my job, and radfem community issues has been really tough to deal with. My anxiety has gotten worse again. I’ve been clinging onto distractions, being impulsive to try and feel better.

I still feel vulnerable at work, although I’m trying to block it out. Having to work with men who assaulted me is so difficult. I’m not sure that I don’t want them fired anymore. But I’m going to try and put it behind me.

Being diagnosed with bipolar has been such a mindfuck. I keep realising things about the past.

I’ve tried reaching out to people. To talk about it. To ignore it and just hang out. No one wants to see me. No one actually cares. Maybe they just pretend so they can laugh about me later, with all their friends who also hate me. 

Maybe everyone hates me as much as I hate me. I’d deserve it. I really do. I’m such a terrible friend. I’m so annoying. Just all the time. Why the fuck would anyone want to spend time with me??? I wouldn’t want to be my friend. I’m such a fucking mess.

I wish I was sicker. I wish it showed. I wish I was covered in scars, and all beautifully broken like they pretend depression is in movies. I wish my pain meant something other than pain. Why am I like this? 

Why am I so ill and stupid and insane? 

Why couldn’t I be worth something? 

Good at something? 

Have some semblance of talent or insight? 

Why did I have to be born

[bpdeathplease]

smoke//drink//binge//purge//wash mouth out with soap//smoke//drink

[bpdeathplease]

“weightloss diary”

today i ate 6 dandelions (white, fluffy) 3 sunflowers 17 jasmine blossoms 19 lilacs 7 ants (worker) / i am sorry, ants / i am sorry, garden / i am sorry, mommy / i am sorry, god / i am sorry, body / today i jogged 412 miles / i was stuck in the ruins of an old house / i fell asleep in my sweat / in a crevice / underneath the floor / the place where the house’s chin touched its neck / i weigh 13.9 lbs on callisto / and 7.3 lbs on pluto / if i lived on mars / i would be 7 years old still / was that when it started?  / oh / mars / today / i ate 3 stars / i felt the universe inside of me / i was not scared / hold me / hold me

[bpdeathplease]

i get a lot of advice instructing me on how to get used to being alone and saying i should be alone more bc of my weird attachments to people but i find it immensely unhelpful because i’ve been alone for years? two abusive relationships which together add up to 4 years of feeling entirely alone, through very important development years, not having the chance or the language to explain what was happening to me. not to mention the way my parents raised me which is a whole other can of worms. like maybe that’s why i get so damn attached to people so fast? they give me a taste of what not being completely alone is and i don’t want to stop feeling that way EVER because being alone and feeling trapped, by your own mind and by other people, is all i’ve known for the past 5 years or so at least. i always end up on google, asking how to cure loneliness, and the answer is always smth like “go see a friend” but what do you do when the few friends you have either don’t care, are too mentally ill or are out of the country? when you’ve been told that no one wants to be around you for years by people who were supposed to love you? when it’s so ingrained in your head that you believe you’re hurting people just by wanting to be around them? i’m honestly so lonely i just want friends i can love openly and someone to cuddle me

#lonliness

[bpdeathplease]

Felt like k*lling myself but got to therapy & made it to the grocery store and managed to buy bananas after dissociating for 10 minutes go me

[bpdeathplease]

[bpdeathplease]

i’m just so lonely and nobody ever wants to spend time with me and i know that’s my fault because i’m a tedious mess but it still hurts 

[bpdeathplease]

i’m such a piece of shit no wonder no one gives a fuck lmao i’m so selfish and gross and self obsessed and mentally ill who the actual fuck would choose to associate with me