bees-are-my-religion

[bees-are-my-religion]

Oh god the irony!

I had the biggest weekend I've had in a while. Biggest in a positive sense mind you. Saturday was my first, first date in a few years. An actual first date where you ask questions and find out about each other and you're not already dating! It was fantastic, although I did get very nervous and mess up a bit, but I was expecting that. God he was cute too. The kinda cute that makes me angry.

Fingers crossed he'll want a second date but honestly, very keen on taking things extremely slow, I wouldn't even mind if he ended up ghosting me. It was just lovely meeting him.

And I'm very aware how ironic this post is above the last one. In the last one I said I know myself, and yes I do develop crushes quickly! But I also know I do whatever the fuck I want in the moment. If tomorrow I decide to have no more communication with this guy, then I'm just gonna cut all strings. At the moment, what's most important to me is I am not trapped in anything and have freedom. A bit of fun here and there, some dates to build my courage and work on myself aaand a little sex here and there would be nice too. HAH. Although, the vibrator I just got is doing an excellent job on its on.

Anyway.

Sunday! Father's Day! Today! It was wonderful. Remembered to fling my dad a happy fathers day text. But that wasn't the goal of today. No, no.

Today I went to the Casual Commander Sunday at King of Cards! I can't believe I nearly didn't go! I was meant to leave around 10:30am and get there about 12, ended up umming and ahhing about it for a few hours, finally plucked up the courage and got there a but after 3.

I can't believe how nervous I get sometimes, it seems silly to think about how I act after the fact, but when it's happening it feels so goddamn debilitating. I walked in and the shyness automatically kicked in, so I dove for the singles and looked at them for I have no idea how long, 10 minutes maybe? Just waiting for Jared, I think thats hs name, to be free to ask him what to do! Honestly my saviour. I knew I'd just have to ask someone to play but I really couldn't do that by myself, nearly just left.

But all was well in the end! My face was so flushed and my hands shook throughout the whole time... I hope they didn't notice. The guys I were playing with were so lovely as well. They all had amazing decks too. Aaaahhhh!! It's a little embarrassing knowing my decks aren't as awesome as theirs, but I really don't mind being an easy win. I just want people to play with me! It was also the first time in years that I were playing with people who actually knew what they were doing and could tell what cards were by the card name. Cripes.

I feel so invigorated. But at the same time emotionally drained from this weekend. I just need to sit with my model kit and be quiet for a long while. Get energy up for work tomorrow.

Geez, if my date from Saturday is interested in me and finds out how bad I am at MTG, I wonder if it'll change his mind about me. Hahaha! Oh well if it does.

[bees-are-my-religion]

Update 21-07-18

Well, I broke up with Gareth.

I knew the relationship would be scarred after the first time. I haven't experienced a break up like this before, the serenity I feel is the calm after the storm.

I knew it wasn't right to stay in the relationship for convenience's sake. This is an inconvenience I don't mind having if it means my mind is at peace.

I won't be involved in another relationship again for many years, following in Oliver's footsteps of self fulfilment. If the situation arises where my crush does ask me out, I'm going to refuse this time, for my own health.

This is a rule I must make. I know myself and I know how easily I develop a crush this time that's all its going to remain.

___

I'm fully aware of my villainy. I'm comfortable with being the bad guy, in someone else's story.

I have always felt more empathy for the antagonist, yet I am the hero and villain of my own story and that keeps me grounded and appreciative of my free will (regardless of how I perceive free will in the moment).

___

Simmering emotions hushed by whirring wheels,

LED flashes silent on a quiet phone, a quiet mind,

What used to be the on-ramp of honking commuters trying to access a road that was closed for construction.

No access.

Detour ahead.

Read the signs that are silently screaming at you to turn around.

The signs now a brick wall,

Impenetrable and protective,

Muffling any horns to hushed whispers,

Whispers welcoming repair,

Welcoming rest.

[bees-are-my-religion]

March of 2018

So I haven’t been to any larps, YET. I’m sure it’ll happen eventually but I think I need to become more stable and get more free time. Which will probably be when I can quit my part time job so I have my weekends free.

Being the Anime Club president is crazy as well, only been 4ish weeks into it and it’s made me so busy with extra workload.

I’m in the in-between of part A and part B of my practicum at the moment and struggling somewhat, mostly because of the environment of the classroom, it makes me want to avoid being in the classroom and working with me AT. I just need to become grounded, fill out some to-do lists and know what I have to do and have done.

My relationship is going so well. So in love!!! We’ve been together about a year 2 months. yay longest relationship! We still have issues around sex and stuff because of the differences in libido but we’re working together through them so well :)

This Friday is RPG Day for Anime club and it’s during the Easter holidays, I;m excited for that but I haven’t really prepared for it because I’d already made 2 possible campaigns. I think I will go with the FMA campaign. But I still need to change the story up a bit and refine somethings to make it more canon and also to fit my style of play at the moment. I’m sure it’ll be fine on the day though. I think I need to make it longer so I’m just going to extend the ending and make it keep going from there because I don’t want to make anything drag on too long in the middle. Perhaps some more NPC options. I’m hoping my players will be experienced in RP somewhat, last time was quite difficult with 9 completely new newbies.

[bees-are-my-religion]

I need to LARP, yesterday!

ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to LARP so badly, I’m very excited for April, I’ve been given the opportunity to staff a Musketeers LARP with Zari. Very excited about that. I’ll have to make a whole other character if I do that, I don’t think it’s fantasy themed so I’ve got to find the rules. Thankfully because I’m staffing they might make a character for me, also might give me a costume, so I dont have to worry too much about spending money to get my outfit.

Speaking of outfit, I love the wool blanket my mum gave me! woop! Whoever gave it to her, thanks for picking one olive green! It’s probably the least popular colour but I’m really liking it recently, to wear. I’m wearing it right now hohoho. 

I’m all wrapped up in my blanket in the General Library instead of doing my final gifted and Talented assignment. I’m making myself stay late tonight as there’s no exec club meeting today. God, I just wanna relax right now though. I’ll do it on Thursday and Friday... I swear. Geez Paige. After I write this I’ll get back into it, there’s a different atmosphere in the genlib as opposed to working in the Kate Edgar building, I feel like I’ll be judged if I open youtube because everyone else is studying for their exams. So relieved I don’t have any this year, I really hate exams. 

But back to Laaaaaaarp. I definitely want to LARP my tiefling wizard with the gloves, I really need a name for her this isn’t good! I’m really struggling to come up with anything that would reflect her personality and looks. I’ll guess it’ll be done eventually. Also excited about the LARP that Zari is creating that’s post apocalyptic, she’s really cool and I better not screw up becoming friends with her, I hate that I get so nervous around girls smh it’s very annoying. Just call be virgin-neckbeard-puj HAH aaahhh. I found that funny, didn’t actually laugh in the library mind you, of course not. A breath through the nostril is befit the humour I wrote! God, stop Paige. good thing I’m the only one who will see this!!!!

I really want to write more, very badly. I’m going to start writing again after my assignments are done, I feel guilty thinking about doing it because that mean’s not working on my assignments, also why I haven’t played any video games in a while. I wish that would stop me from watching hours and hours of youtube... too much content... too much fomo.

Fomo, I’m going to conquer it one day, It rules my life too much at the moment. I’m gonna write a list here of everything I’m experiencing fomo for. hopeuflly it’s not long.

LARPing

D&D

Being a Teacher

Video Games (specifically)

Switch - splatoon, breath of the wild, arms, mario odyssey

cuphead (but not that much)

Hollow knight

Shovel Knight

ALL the Final Fantasy games

Pokemon Moon (really gotta finish it)

All the oldies I want to play, like shadow of the colossus

It’s p long.

Video games is probably the thing I’m feeling most fomo about, I feel like I’m missing out on a lot of things in my life because I never got to play any of these games as a kid. With all these new friends I’m making who’ve played video games since they were a baby, it really makes me feel like a poser HAH POOOOOSERRRRRR. But it actually does. I don’t like telling people how long I’ve been playing games, that my first ever console was a ps3 and that allt he games I played when I was little were educational, it’s a little embarrassing. I’m sure eventually I’ll be grateful for how I was brought up because if it was different the butterfly effect blah blah etc etc. I’m sure you get the picture. But for now I guess, I’ll just try do them when I have free time so I don;t feel guilty. However! For that to happen, I really have to move away from Mum, or she moves away. She’s got such a knack of making me feel bad whenever I play any games, it’s really down putting for me. I don’t think I’ll ever understand why she’s not okay with me playing games all night, but is okay with me blobbing in front of the tv all night... It just doesn’t add up for me. 

I don’t know what else to say here, I guess I’ll end this diary entry and get back into my assignment.

Later, I guess.

[bees-are-my-religion]

Overload is Over!

It’s October and I’m settling down in my bed with no looming guilt of not working on anything for the first time in weeks!  I’ve been so busy it’s crazy. The combination of the overload guest event, actual overload, and all my assignments due, I’m shocked I made it through in one piece. My body was definitely telling me to S T O P by getting grossly sick.  Ah, I’m honestly so glad Gareth came up during my busy time, even though it’d be so nice to just relax with him, it’s so obvious how much I need him to stay sane (Not that i need him, I am an independent woman! But everyone needs someone to depend on).

I’m so lucky :) He made overload really enjoyable, I hope I get my hands on some of the candids Rock took of us, I hope they’re good! I’m ALSO excited for the Awards Ceremony this Thursday, I need to find something red though... I think I will wear my off the shoulder black dress, definitely, just something red...

I wish I had the energy to celebrate Halloween this year as well. My heart’s just not in it right now.

Gah, also Diary, I need to deal with these damn FOMO feelings! During overload Jerika caught up with Gareth and I. She’s so nice and I want to be her friend so badly, i just get so jealous of her? I wish I didn’t get these feelings, she spent basically 45 minutes talking about all these games she’s bought/buying, including the SNES Mini, I just... wish it didn’t get rubbed in my face, not that anyone is actually doing that... I know that. Really want all those things as well. I’m happy with myself and the reason I’ve given myself for not getting these games: I must finish all the games of already got! Which includes: Shovel Knight, Bioshock Infinite, Pokemon Moon, Phoenix Wright, The Uncharted Series, Splatoon 1, aaaaaand  a bunch I can’t remember!!! You know, it was just weird listening to her, becoming jealous of all these games and consoles she’s getting but hear her complain about never being able to pay off her student loans with her current job???? What??? I’m paying off my student loans and I work 2 days a week! Does she have the wrong tax bracket or something? I dunno... It was an uncomfortable conversation for me though...

hmm, how weird would it be if I mailed back Nate’s games? I think it’s just Kingdom Hearts, but I don’t like having it, I need to mail it back to him asap. I also really wish I had kept that Fullmetal Alchemist art book for myself... I wonder if he’d give it to me in a trade... or at least scan some pictures for me. I should ask him I guess :s 

Later Diary.

P.S. I hate Patricio 

[bees-are-my-religion]

Today is very much feeling like this song. I performed my poem for my mumthis morning, I think she liked it. Although I'd probably never really know whether she genuinely liked it or not. But anyway, it looked like she did. Today is a surprisingly busy for me today yet I feel a bit vacant. It might be lack of sleep and no coffee this morning. I should drink more water. I wonder why I'm writing this diary entry half way through the day. I don't really care for doing a traditional diary entry. You can't insert an actual song into a book. Let's see if the rest of the day turns out extraordinary after all.

[bees-are-my-religion]

Mum’s Birthday Poem

It’s my mums birthday tomorrow and I’ve written her a ‘casual sonnet’ I like to call it. Instead of abab cdcd efef gg, the end is ghgh, if you get what I mean.

I really wish I could have gotten her something nice for her birthday but I’m a silly spender and was not smart this month. This will have to do.

Dear Mum, it is your birthday,

the 20th of September.

I don’t know how to make this say,

what I only could in whisper.

Dear Mum, you are the world to me,

and I hope you never forget, 

that if I’m ever overseas,

I’ll come back to you yet.

Sometimes I might seem distant, 

and not wanting of your help.

But I do love my gift, of existence,

If you think I don’t, give me a whallop.

Dear Mum, it is your birthday,

and i hope the botanical gardens,

give a marvellous display,

even though it’s winter.

#poetry

[bees-are-my-religion]

First entry

I'm gonna be giving this a go I guess. Even though I've tried several times on paper to keep a diary I've always forgotten to write and I've made semi-fictional blogs before... That didn't really turn out either.

I think this time's gonna be different.