bastardbruise

[bastardbruise]

i know that im sad but i dont want to sit with it because ive been trying so hard not to be sad. this also makes me sad. i cant even begin to describe how much of my everything it takes for me to be anything other than sad, but i think i gave it an honest try the past couple weeks. 

its all internal. its not anything anyone can see, so in a way, its not anything that matters. i could be sad or trying and its solely my own. i am sad though, and i am tired. and i want to believe that im moving towards an ideal life but the higher i try to elevate myself, the longer the fall is during the spiral. its discouraging and its hard to stomache. its much easier to accept that i am always sad, who is there to even try for, anyway? ive always been disposable; its still being proven to me, even after all this time. i wish i could be loved without conditions. i wish i believed i deserved it. who could even love someone like me? 

it should be your birthday but youre not here anymore to have them, and i wish ghosts were better company but mostly i just feel cold. 

#bastard txt

[bastardbruise]

maybe smiling through it will make it better, maybe pretending will get me through it; nothing else to ever really do about living at this point but to laugh about it or die

#bastard txt

[bastardbruise]

no family, no best friend, no partner, no pet lol nobody fuckin gets what living this kind of life is actually like, nobody fucking cares

[bastardbruise]

there is honestly no reason for me not to k*ll myself, im alone and im tired of pretending im not and im tired of trying to change that because im tired of begging ppl to talk with me and game with me or spend time with me and to just be someones primary friend instead of a once in a while friend, a secondary friend, a friend by association

and i think, why doesnt anyone want to be present with me?? to be fully attentive?? to stay around to hear what i say?? its fucking driving me mad. its like i cant fuckin talk to anyone without them just walking away from the conversation and leaving me to talk to myself. i fuckin hate the internet, billions of ppl and i cant find one fucking person that wants to share time and space on us???? 

why do i try? why do i fucking try??? 

[bastardbruise]

the things i want are so simple but i’ll never get them, i’ll wait my entire life wishing that i did’nt have to. i’ve waited for so long already and im so sad all the time

[bastardbruise]

i am so tired of living. 

i really did give it an honest try.

[bastardbruise]

everything, unattainable

[bastardbruise]

I am thinking of killing myself

I am buried in a bed ornamented with books, with clothes, with empty bottles With a screen and muted voices I cannot sleep.

I cannot sleep and I cannot run

I am thinking of killing myself

— Aaiún Nin, from “I am thinking of killing myself,” Broken Halves of a Milky Sun

[bastardbruise]

damn having a mind is unbearable right now, i dont know what to do

[bastardbruise]

In every room my father entered I vanished               we vanished in every room the room enters itself with a dignified air               I vanish when I enter dignity dignity vanishes when it enters the room

In every shame there is a room               nobody’s standing though it’s standing room only I enter shame & the room vanishes               my father vanishes

— Alessandra Lynch, from “Hymnal,” Pretty Tripwire

[bastardbruise]

im tired and i just dont think im interested in going on another year

i dont know how to tell anyone that

#bastard txt

[bastardbruise]

 if time is measured by trauma, then i have been here for lifetimes, trying to remember if any of them that had been worth it each time i try to end this one. 

if i had to guess - not enough of them to make this fair. how desperate to keep coming back all these times, hoping for something different. 

#bastard txt

[bastardbruise]

i want to fucking k*ll myself i just keep trying and trying and it either isn’t enough or just doesn’t fucking work

i jus t wanted to be soft, to be loved, to not hurt people and fuck things over but i guess thats the only thing im fucking good at

please god i am so tired, why is there nothing i can do to not feel like this, why does it hurt so much to exist 

i wish i could jsut fucking stop existing and give everyone the reprieve they all want anyway

#bastard txt

[bastardbruise]

get a fucking grip of yourself

#bastard txt

[bastardbruise]

i am tired. i am exhausted. from my head to my soul to my bones i am so fucking tired.

[bastardbruise]

“Dead!”

Hellblazer #40 (April 1991)

Jamie Delano and Dave McKean

DC Comics

#john constantine

[bastardbruise]

"It's not a metaphor, this ache."

-Catherine Abbey Hodges from "Solstice on the Middle Fork," Tar River Review