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why wont ayatsuji let people care about him im so emo and crying it’s 5 in the morning?
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espyrot / tsujimura-kun.
NAIVETE , an untouched , picturesque glint waiting for removal . ( “ he’s dangerous , nationally infamous . if the time comes , do what you must , ” & the gun in her hand is not the first , but the weight is felt , the contour of where index meets trigger , the shape of something fragile , wavering , & small ; the idea is there in theory —— justice is not opposite to bloodshed —— yet that another’s life is handed to her with cold eyes , the severity of a name crossed from their list , feels distant & impossible ; when she meets him , the relieved thought —— “ see , it won’t be necessary ” —— is foiled by the full force of ability , what which embraces eye for an eye idealism . ) accusation as frigid as those to criminals , & what his gift won’t slaughter in her , his words will .
how , how can he say it so brazenly , without fear ? ❛ there are individuals with dangerous abilities who live less restricted lives . it’s not an absolute that you ———— ! ❜ she flinches , his hand ( her own hand , is it ) the finalization of a fate of ill - design & foregoing humanity . the hand around her elbow trembles , lower lip brought between teeth when closing her eyes isn’t enough to bring calm , then tsujimura straightens in a stance that never quite reaches authoritative . ❛ i’m the agent over you . your actions , including your end , are mine to decide . that truth is meaningless , so call me foolish if you like . ultimately , my hand holds your leash & it is just as capable of reigning you in so that relieving you of your duty doesn’t become necessary . i won’t let you off that easily , you lazy detective . ❜
“ any other ability users labeled as dangerous pale in comparison to me. that is nothing more than redundant information. there are dangerous ability users all throughout japan, but i am labeled the absolute most dangerous. to quote your foolish superior, i am above the skyline, and they are underground. your comparison is faulty from the start and only exposes your naive hopefulness. ” she’s truly hopeful -- too hopeful, too pure for a profession such as this. the life of a government agent will eat her alive, start with her heart first by carving it out with dull fingernails of a monster that will grow in the depths of her heart. the only people who work for the government are those who have hollowed out their chests, find homage in the cold air that runs through their ribs, coiling like a snake.
“ your words are nothing but a curtain to shield your own attachment. ” ayatsuji sets his coffee down with a bit too much force, causing the china to clatter against the wood. long legs close the distance between them until ayatsuji is looming over her, the temperature dropping as those brown eyes ( carrying an endless depth that cannot be reached, will never be reached ) bore into his assistant, his watchdog, his EXECUTIONER. “ stupid dog that i am, living only to appease others, you ultimately have no control over me. your leash is artificial, your control is fabricated. if i were to snatch your pistol from inside your jacket right now and point it at your head, the one to kill me would not be you. ” it’s a completely fictional possibility he speaks of, but ayatsuji will not deny he’s considered the possibility in the days where he is weary, where he wishes to end it all and rest. ( “i’ll be going first kyogoku" he considers saying, but there’s a ghostly hand on his shoulder that always keeps him from straying, reminding him that he will never, EVER let anyone end that man’s life aside from himself. the only thing that keeps him obedient in truth is his obsession. )
“ there is a sniper team just outside. there are government employees in the surrounding buildings. if the order comes, i die. all that changes is who shoots me. don’t believe your finger on the trigger is so important. i am not the only replaceable person in the room when it comes to the core truth of it all. ”
#good morning starr :)#*quotes you directly in my reply* uwu#i started crying replying to this it's so awful oh my jesus christ#WHY CANT YOU JUST BE NICE! BE HONEST! SHOW YOU CARE!#WHY THE FUCK U PUSHING HER AWAY BITCH!#espyrot
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“we’re all killers. we’ve all killed parts of ourselves to survive. we’ve all got blood on our hands. something somewhere had to die so we could stay alive.”
— if memories could bleed, if dreams could scream | m.a.w (via dvoyd)
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IMREALLY SO GAY RIGHT NOW I LOVE YUKIDAZA
#i used to be embarrassed talking about now but now im just gay#H LISTEN TO ME THEYRE SO GOOD AND THEIR SIMILARITIES ARE (I COMBUST INTO TEN THOUSAND PIECES)
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self indulgent
#HFHFHDKSMFCMSDFIOESMFL#SDF#CSDKLGJVSKLGML;SG#SDLKMSLGMLS#IM LTIERALLY SOBBING#IT'S ALMOST 5AM???#MY YUKIDAZA'S#oh my gawd#OH MY GOD#OH MY GOD!!!!!#I LOVE TH#EDSKLJFLSDGM;LS#G;S#WHEEZES#OHHHHHHHH MY OGG#HURUGHG#DOES 616515 SQUATS#OH MY JESUS
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espyrot / tsujimura-kun.
❛ i know that , but ———— ❜
& protest falters , without contradiction . hearing that tone from him ( “ japan’s most dangerous ability user ” ) disheartens more than from those she reports to . brows pinch , furrowing until lids fall & digits dig into her forearm in restraint ; this complaint is naive —— no , impossible —— but a disregard for the consequences of his aid is beyond her , the result unlike the sources which burned this career into her mind . ( would it be less so if he didn’t speak of his own execution so casually ? ) ❛ how could i forget ? it’s the reason i’m here . ❜ watcher , informant , & executioner in one , companion to retribution incarnate . the why of it still eludes her , that sakaguchi proposed she take the mantel of ayatsuji’s keeper . ❛ if you didn’t act as a detective , your ability would be moot . you could live an ordinary life . though i can’t imagine you being anything else , you wouldn’t live … like this . ❜
“ ordinary life? ” the temperature seems to drop as he echoes her words, tone flat, yet somehow mocking. how his assistant could bring herself to be so intelligent on picking up on his skills yet could still voice something so naive and hopeful is beyond him -- it’s sheer ignorance, unbecoming of the so called ‘ agent ’ she aspires to be. ( so long as she has a heart, she will not be like ango. she will not be like her idol. the life of a government agent is to live not with a beating heart, but a ticking watch / an hourglass on an endless cycle of emptying itself over and over with no rest in sight. ) “ you think if i simply gave up the life of a detective, everything would be fine? you think the government would allow me? foolish woman. ”
really, he’s disappointed to hear her say something so naive, so foolish -- it’s almost heartbreaking. “ it’s as you say, there is nothing else in life for me but the path of a detective, a homicide detective who both solves and causes homicides. when the day comes where i am no longer necessary, you will relieve me of duty ----- ” he lifts a hand, pointing to the middle of his forehead, right between his eyes. “ right here, with your own hand. what you wish is not true most certainly is just that : the truth. ”
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soulgasp / ookura.
teruko was quite used to people not being exactly thrilled to see her. the only one that ever seemed excited was the commander and he currently wasn’t around. his reaction didn’t faze her in the slightest, only seeming to make her smile seem to curve into a more relaxed one. it only seemed to shift to amusement at his words, a gloved hand lifting to hide her lips for a moment.
“ oh, yuki-chan, such a downer.~ “
at least he was brave. many people who saw her tended to panic and run – even if she was just meandering around the office. teruko couldn’t be occupied with missions all of the time and when she wasn’t, she tended to harass others. not many could handle it and that was one of the sole reasons she came to him. he had a backbone.
“ all of my bonsai trees have been properly pruned already. so, now i don’t have any hobbies.~ “
“ in case you’ve forgotten, there’s nothing about my occupation that implies i should be uplifting. ” he is, after all, a homicide detective. ( he who solves homicide cases, he who kills the culprits -- a title with a double meaning, he is as dangerous as detectives may come. ) moreover, his personality was chillingly pessimistic, nihilistic even. death was a constant in his life, fingers intertwined with his own more intimately than a lover.
really, death and its messenger courts him thoroughly in the guise of an older man in tattered clothes, appearing and disappearing as if he is nothing but mist on a spring morning or a fleeting thought wiped away when the sun hits your eyes. it is for this reason, perhaps, he will never fear death, let alone this girl, no matter how aware he is that she is dangerous.
he does not truly exist within the same world as normal people, so his death will affect no one substantially.
“ you have poor taste in finding things to amuse you. as you know, i’m nothing more than a caged dog who only acts when my masters order me to. what is there to gain from gracing me with your company? ”
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soulgasp / ookura.
oh, this poor man. perhaps he knew exactly what he was about to get into, ( she could see the obvious strain in his jaw, ) and was simply trying to be polite. teruko didn’t know that he was capable of such a thing. she had harassed him multiple times before. “ oh, it’s your lucky day, yuki-chan~! commander is busy; jouno is hiding from me because he pissed me off – “ the mere thought of it made her smile turn slightly tense, but she quickly regained her composure. “ – and tetchou is off doing … tetchou things. so, i came to see you~! “
a very long pause, autumn eyes narrowing behind colored lens.
“ ----- i see. we have deeply contrasting definitions of ‘ lucky ’ it would seem. ” granted, his existence in itself was constantly stricken with bad luck. if anything, he was a magnet for the most depressing and despairing of things, considering his ability. the fact he attracts the likes of the hunting dogs shouldn’t exactly be surprising. it isn’t, technically, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to be inviting.
he can’t make her leave either, exactly. she’s stronger than him.
( the government loves their human experiments, after all. )
“ why, pray tell, are you coming to me of all people? do you not have hobbies? ”
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ayatsuji: i’m just the government’s stupid dog they order around
the hunting dogs: :) that makes us friends
ayatsuji: ... k i wanna take everything back actually
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espyrot / tsujimura-kun.
proximity breached —— yet no reaction , no sense of urgency ( because it isn’t trust , can’t be ) —— acrylics dart to his face , squinting with wrinkled nose at what’s perceived as a scold for defiance . fingers relinquish the cup , ounce of defeat in stance , then fold arms together as she recalls the events of their last case . ❛ ritualistic killings , another conman gaining power & wealth by fronting a cult , but you decided to persecute without permission again & your ability kicked in . ❜ factual , recited almost mechanically until the end , weight placed on the “ accidental death ” of their prime suspect . ❛ the case wasn’t pointless & , even if it were , the reports aren’t just for documenting the proceedings . you know that . ❜
ayatsuji heaves a sigh -- it’s a mixture of annoyance and disappointment, but predominantly exhaustion. he takes a sip of his coffee, giving a momentary glance down at one of his cats brushing against his leg. ( on further inspection, he sees it’s yurei, the black one. ) “ you are scolding me for things you are well aware will happen no matter what i do. the very moment i accept a case for your superiors, the fate of the culprit is already decided. ” he begins, tone like that of a lecturing teacher with a student who will never listen. to some degree, this comparison isn’t inaccurate. “ i cannot control my ability, which is why you and the government watch over me -- or, have you forgotten that much? my ability is dangerous and ensures death, which is why i am ‘ japan’s most dangerous ability user ’ . i point out the culprit so people understand that their death is karmic, nothing more, nothing less. if you or sakaguchi have such an issue with how my cases end, feel free to relieve me of duty already. ”
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soulgasp replied to your post: soulgasp replied to your post: ...
yuki-chaaaaaan~
he’s trying not to grimace so hard he shatters his jaw. “ ... of all people to come my way, i cannot fathom why it would be you, ookura. i don’t remember being so familiar with you either. ”
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soulgasp replied to your post: *cranky old man voice* get off my fucking lawn
>:3
what’s with this sassy lost child
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espyrot / tsujimura-kun.
❛ that’s not … ❜ refutation falters , concentration on frigid stare ; familiar , customary even , but potent after her ( attempt at ) scheming . shoulders shrug up , bristling like the felines at her feet when startled , though her profile refuses submission . ( “ i am the agent , i am in - charge , i hold the gun to his temple & wait for cause . ” remember , remember , remember . ) ❛ you forgot ———— ❜ slow , sounding words before expression tires , irritation surfacing through discomfort under his gaze . ❛ that’s not possible . please come up with a better excuse . wait , no , no excuses at all . if you write the first line , i’ll accept that willingness & do as you ask . ❜
“ tsujimura-kun. ” there’s a sudden sharpness to the detective’s voice as he stands to his feet, towering over her from the height difference between them as he rounds his desk to stand before her. “ i don’t enjoy lukewarm coffee. moreover, the case from yesterday is so glaringly pointless i see no point in even documenting it. as my assistant, are you incapable of acknowledging this as well? recite to me what you yourself can even recall of the event, see if there’s much to say. ” -- and then, he so casually takes the saucer and the cup sitting atop it from her hand, pivoting on a heel to walk around his office idly, clearly waiting for her eventual response.
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“ ----- a very meek attempt at tightening my collar, tsujimura-kun. ” he quips, autumn brown gaze as chilled as the early spring temperatures outside the window of his office. it’s early morning, foggy, but somehow pleasantly cool. the longer he stares, the colder it feels, threatening to leave metaphorical frostbite around her throat. “ regretfully, i’ve suddenly forgotten how to wield a quill pen. woe is me. ”
@espyrot -- cont.
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doll eyed.
“it’s nice to meet you too, ayatsuji-san!”
the more they talk, the more similarities q notices. admittedly, he doesn’t know much yet, but it sounds like what ayatsuji has to deal with is, at the core, the same–like not even his allies actually want to work with him. he can’t help but wonder if it’s for the same reason…
he sits up straight again, only to lean over, eyes wide with curiosity. “what kind of job do you have to not exist? ‘cause as far as i can tell it’s really hard to not exist.”
such innocent and expressive curiosity -- he truly is just a child, isn’t he? ayatsuji doesn’t move or pull away when q leans closer, instead showing a glimmer of curiosity himself upon noticing an undeniable sheen in the other’s right eye. that isn’t a normal eye -- it’s glass. a doll’s eye.
how ironic.
“ what kind, hm... ” ayatsuji hums, lowering his gaze to misaki sitting on his lap and tugging at the ends of her red dress. he decides to set her on the empty space between himself and q, folding his hands on his lap instead. “ humans don’t like me, so they cover up the fact i exist. i suppose you can say... i stop bad guys so they can never do anything bad ever again. ”
homicide detective -- an occupation with a double meaning.
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