arovoidant

[arovoidant]

mobile discord is now like, recommending friends to DM or something, and of course the first one on the list is my former sp 💀

#arovoidant

[arovoidant]

text: i like MEN

m - people

e - with

n - personality disorders

#pd

[arovoidant]

🧍🏻

#avpd #arovoidant #get home from con where v few friends seek me out or come to my events or make plans with me #decide to emotionally self-harm and look at former sp’s twitters where they’re #posting about how happy they are and pictures of them with their boyfriend and how they’re moving out to move in with their boyfriend #in october and they have NO THOUGHTS OF ME #NO REGRETS about not having talked with their former close friend of ten years for over six months now #now i’m splitting? i guess? cluster b traits or whatever

[arovoidant]

trying to pack for a convention and filled with fear (knowledge) that all the people i consider friends actually hate me. and missing all the people i ghosted due to reasons.

#arovoidant #avpd

[arovoidant]

avpd is such a stupid personality disorder. like what do you mean when people go out of their way to interact with us we will forever be convinced that somehow means everyone wants us to kill ourselves and die forever. that doesn't make any sense mx personality disorder. why would they interact with us if they hated us. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE

#avpd

[arovoidant]

#avpd

[arovoidant]

i can’t connect with anyone.. everybody tries reaching out to me but i don’t answer. it’s safer in my room where i can’t get hurt, it’s safer in my room where i know i won’t be judged

#avpd

[arovoidant]

it’s been almost six months.

#arovoidant

[arovoidant]

self dx avoidant culture is not being able to get diagnosed because i would rather die than have to pay someone to listen to my problems

.

#avpd

[arovoidant]

the interesting thing about avpd is you look mostly normal to others because youre desperately avoiding any triggers so you dont usually have freak outs

instead you look aloof and rude and not worth peoples time because you dont give back. like idk, i talk to people and listen because i care about friends. but so much of what i say is filtered through fear and lost. and im dissasociative and autistic so how im percieved and why people leave or give up on us is completely unknown to me.

like im constantly grasping at connections and reality but they slip away and im left wondering why i cant be loved or kept around

idk, im sorry i miss birthdays and never show affection its not because i dont care its because im extremely mentally ill. i liked being friends with you

#avpd #actuallyautistic

[arovoidant]

Being autistic and avpd is so stressful.

My brain makes so many connections all the time. I see so many possibilities all at once and my brain fails me at trying to weigh which ones are more likely.

I mask as neutrally as possible because I need to know what's happening to not be figured out. But then I also have avpd which takes all these possibilities and puts the weight on the "I am failing everyone, they know and I forgot a little too much about me being a terrible person" possibility.

It is one of those times again where I want to hide. I want to hide from my closest friend. The friend I manage not to mask around.

I wonder if they know how bad I am. Will they confront me with it? Am I even allowed to be upset if that happens? Isn't it all my fault?

I wish I could snap and poof, disappear. As I write this, I can feel their resentment building and it's so scary. I feel so vulnerable and exposed!

We appreciate your vulnerability though, most of us feel similar in a lot of ways

#avpd #actuallyautistic

[arovoidant]

I drew a narcissus flycatcher using the colors from the npd flag

#this is so cool op i love it

[arovoidant]

I would like people (especially cluster b havers) to understand cluster b safe doesn’t always mean PD safe

#pd #intracommunity issues

[arovoidant]

(venty)

borderline culture is not being able to comprehend that your friends and family and partner still care about you despite being in a conflict with you and assuming they hate you and you hurt them irrevocably and you don't deserve to be around anyone and you self isolate

.

#also avpd culture tbh #pd

[arovoidant]

i keep thinking today about my ex-sp and how they left me. and how many things i can’t enjoy anymore because of how they sting with the memories of them.

#avpd #arovoidant #i just want to play skyrim again.

[arovoidant]

taking applications for a new safe person pls

#avpd #arovoidant

[arovoidant]

in all seriousness it's very alienating knowing theres Something Wrong With You. like seeing your mental illness come through in your behaviour and thought processes and knowing it's irrational and unhealthy, knowing other people are reading you as weird or stupid, and not being able to do anything about it is such a lonely experience