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Rating US Presidents Based on Whether I’d Fuck Them

Disclaimer: this is not a serious post. I am fully aware that most of these men were terrible people. this list does not focus on policy.

1. George Washington

He was an army general so he probably had a nice body, but he also had slave teeth in his mouth which is a massive turn off. Not to mention this was the 1700s and people weren’t very clean. Maybe if he took a shower and got new teeth 5/10

2. John Adams

Weird hairstyle. Bald on top but too much on the sides so he just looks insane. Chubby. Literally made criticizing the government a crime. I hate him. 1/10 if I was given a lot of money

3. Thomas Jefferson

terf bangs and terrible sense of style. In his portrait he looks like he’d call me a slur and then laugh about it. Giving him 1 point for being tall, 1 point for being rich, and 1 point for writing the Declaration of Independence 3/10

4. James Madison

Small and sickly. Always ill and had epileptic seizures. Had a piss kink, -3 points for nastiness. Kind of looks like a sheep. However, I get the feeling he was cleaner than most of the other founding fathers which shoots him up to 3/10 with an extra pity point since he’s basically a freaky make-a-wish kid

5. James Monroe

Weird chin. Looks kinda stuck up but otherwise not terribly unnattractive. 4/10

6. John Quincy Adams

Quincy is a stupid name. Related to John Adams but somehow was more decent. Kind of a disappointment, so who’s to say that doesn’t extend to sex? Kind of handsome when he was young 3/10

7. Andrew Jackson

This motherfucker. This motherfucker was horribly racist and was the first president to garner a cult-mentality. He was also from Tennessee. Dweeby looking. However, he does get points for probably having a nice body considering his military service and being very pretty 6/10

8. Martin Van Buren

Looks like Old Deuteronomy’s human-sona. However, he does have a very handsome looking face under all of that beard. 3/10 if he shaved and was a little younger

9. William Henry Harrison

Not bad looking. Big nose. Also kinda old. 5/10 if he was younger

10. John Tyler

Looks like he’s deficient in every nutrient. 3/10 if he had a protein shake and a big burger.

11. James K. Polk

This man has a VERY pretty face. However, he’s got a very weird hairline. His support for slavery is also a turnoff. 6/10 if he got a better haircut and wasn’t racist

12. Zachary Taylor

Handsome. Died from exhaustion and eating too many cherries, which is a total mood. 6/10

13. Millard Fillmore

His name reminds me of a duck. I’m pretty sure I would beat him up if he went to my school. Looks like a dweeb. 2/10

14. Franklin Pierce

Look at this handsome man. That pensive stare and beautifully sculpted jawline. He is probably the first one on this list that is genuinely fuckable by choice. Deducted a point because of course he’s racist. smh why can’t we have nice things 9/10

15. James Buchanan

He looks so sad in every single portrait painted of him, I kind of feel bad :(. Not terrible looking. 4/10

16. Abraham Lincoln

Ok. He was tall and fit. His assassination location also implies that he liked the theater. Overall very handsome man. REALLY nice facial structure. This is self explanatory. 8/10.

17. Andrew Johnson

Gives me kind of bulldog-ish vibes. Otherwise, not bad looking. 3/10 I really have nothing else to say he’s kinda bland

18. Ulysses S. Grant

Ulysses is a cool as fuck name. He fought on the side of the union in the civil war too, which is very, very sexy of him. Usually I’m not one to like facial hair, but this guy rocks it. 8/10

19. Rutherford B. Hayes

Like his predecessor, Rutherford is also a really fucking sick name. His abolitionism is very sexy of him. 6/10 if he shaved his stanky looking beard differently

20. James A. Garfield

Again with the stanky ass beards. Shave it and you’ll be a 5/10

21. Chester A. Arthur

Chester is a stupid name. Can you imagine fucking a guy named Chester?? Can you imagine moaning the name Chester? I cannot. He also had a fucking unibrow and one of those beards that make old guys look like cats. 2/10

22. Grover Cleveland

He reminds me of the British walrus from Ice Age. 1/10 very rotund

23. Benjamin Harrison

Would be very handsome if he shaved and worked out just a little. 4/10 he has a lot of potential

24. Grover Cleveland

This bitch again. See 22.

25. William McKinley

You could make a Minecraft skin out of this guy and you wouldn’t even have to change anything about him. Very square head, nice side profile. Kinda chubby. Has potential. 2/10

26. Theodore Roosevelt

I don’t agree with a lot of the things he did, but this man was a badass motherfucker. I don’t even care that he looks like a chubby mustachioed nerd, he’s cool as hell. 6/10

27. William Howard Taft

Meet the globglologlab. Was so large that he got stuck in the White House bathtub and it deadass had to be replaced. He’d probably crush me into a bone and organ smoothie. Also from Ohio. 1/10

28. Woodrow Wilson

Woodrow is a stupid name, but otherwise he’s ok. Kind of a twink. Also kinda dig the nerdy look, really cute. 7/10

29. Warren G. Harding

This man needs to show me his brow routine, because I wish mine were as thick as his. Handsome looking face. 5/10 if he was younger

30. Calvin Coolidge

He looks like he’d call me a slur and then lecture me about Bitcoin or some shit. Nice facial structure, lack of eyebrows is off putting. 5/10

31. Herbert Hoover

He wasn’t bad looking when he was young. Kinda chubby. 4/10

32. Franklin D. Roosevelt

He looks very kind. I’d hang out with him. If he was younger, 7/10

33. Harry S. Truman

Okay, I’ll admit upon first glance at the round glasses I was about to unload with rat-related insults. However, he looks very polite and actually has potential to be fuckable and has a nice facial structure. 6/10

34. Dwight D. Eisenhower

He reminds me of a frog. Why is his mouth so large. 4/10 because I like frogs

35. John F. Kennedy

John fucking Fitzgerald Kennedy. The president that had hordes of screaming fangirls that I can assure you I would have been a part of. I can go on and on about him. This man was THE sexiest president, hands down. Look at his hair. Look at his face and his physique. His POSTURE. The amount of charisma he had despite sickness. The fact that he actually knew what the fuck he was saying when he spoke and he did it with CONFIDENCE. The fact that he served in the navy in wwii and you KNOW 1940s navy boys are PRETTY. He went to prep school and Harvard AND he was from New England AND he died tragically the man was essentially a dark academia dream boy. Not to mention that SMILE. I can listen to his accent for hours. He is gorgeous. He is beautiful. Hnngggd he’s so fuckking sexy 20/10 I would peg him so goddamn hard

36. Lyndon B. Johnson

In terms of sexiness, Kennedy’s vice is a massive step down. 3/10

37. Richard Nixon

He has an okay face I guess. 4/10

38. Gerald Ford

Again, has a nice face. He was very attractive in younger pictures. 7/10

39. Jimmy Carter

Pretty good president, overall a really good dude. Handsome face. 8/10 if he was younger because he’s like 90 now and that’s a little weird

40. Ronald Reagan

Made republicans into nasty little creatures. I hate him. However, he isn’t terribly ugly in his presidential picture. He gives me weirdly attractive 60yo. sugar daddy with a boat vibes I don’t fucking know 6/10

41. George H.W. Bush

Looks very polite, was handsome in younger portraits. Army vet. 6/10

42. Bill Clinton

Looks like a genderbent Karen. Has an oddly punchable face. He also gets points off for being from Arkansas and cheating on his wife 5/10

43. George W. Bush

Looks like his father, handsome. Don’t really know how I feel about him otherwise, 6/10

44. Barack Obama

Obama is one of the three on this list that I would definitely be down for. He’s tall, fit, respectable, and overall conventionally attractive. 9/10

45. Donald J. Trump

I’m pretty sure that Donald Trump is the most unfuckable “human” being that has ever disgraced our miserable little world. I can’t imagine so much as touching him with a 100 foot pole if it meant curing me of death. For someone who was wealthy for all of his life, you’d think he’d have better taste when it comes to clothing, hair, and the stolen animatronic faces that he chooses to wear. Thinking of him naked in bed makes my already concave genitals cave in further. Wretched, dirty little man deserving of no respect. He’s never pleased any of his wives, and he’s never even pleased the prostitutes he’s hired and taken advantage of because no person would have sex with him without incentive (and even with the promise of great sums of money he would still make me want to regurgitate my innards and bleach them). He is the personification of celibacy. I hate him. It’s difficult to express concisely the amount of vehement disdain I hold for him. I’m not even religious and he makes me want to become a nun. -20/10.

46. Joseph R. Biden

Have you seen pictures of this man when he was young? Goddamn. I’d let him absolutely rail me if he wasn’t currently 80. 8/10

#APUSH fandom #test approaches #Will remember these turns of phrase

[apushfandom]

Doodled this during apush midterm review

#APUSH fandom

[apushfandom]

I keep forgetting martin van buren was a massive flirt back in the day

#short king rizz never fails #martin van buren #apush fandom #ap us history

[apushfandom]

i think these belong here

#apush #ap us History #richard nixon #jfk #us presidents fandom #APUSH fandom

[apushfandom]

Took me until about halfway through college before I realized “study” means “play with the material in a variety of ways until you understand it” and not just “read the assigned chapters and do the homework” and I think that probably should have been discussed at some point prior to that.

[apushfandom]

#LMAOOOO #apush fandom #william jennings bryan #Apush #ap us history #us history #school #studyblr

[apushfandom]

Pangaea was wasted on the dinosaurs. Imagine the railway network.

#john stevens ghostwrote this #18TH century #industrialism #apush #apush fandom #ap us history #school #studyblr

[apushfandom]

my chapter notes

i turn these in for a grade

#apush #ap us history #apush fandom #studyblr #apush fandom originals #school #Alexander hamilton #john adams #1700s

[apushfandom]

Rating jacksonian era government assigned fursonas

- John C. Calhoun as a dog: 3/10

REALLY OUT OF NOWHERE. But at least you can make the pun John C. Calhound

- Henry Clay as a raccoon: 8/10

Cool origin story and it is oddly fitting. Also implies the existence of Henry Clay with rabies. I seriously did NOT expect this one yet I love it

- Andrew Jackson as a giraffe: 1/10

????HUH. WHAT. As unsettling as this is, both giraffes and Jackson scare me so I'm giving one plus point for that

- Thomas Hart Benton as a boar: 9/10

I actually dig this. It would've been PERFECT if he were a bull but a boar is good enough and somewhat similar I guess

- Martin Van Buren as a fox: 10/10 Literally a match made in heaven, it fits him SO WELL on SO MANY LEVELS. I love how everyone unanimously agreed on his fursona the second they saw him

- James K. Polk as a goose: 5/10

Including both because I had no idea which one was more nightmare inducing. Tbh I have no opinions on this but I don't like how wavy Polk's neck is in the first image

- Daniel Webster as a bear: 10/10

VERY VERY FITTING idk what kind of bear he's supposed to be but I hope it's a black bear. It goes well with his goth aesthetic

BONUS: Skinny ass horse Andrew Jackson

BONUS BONUS: Full on furry mode MVB

#we are a nation built on furries #ive accepted this fact and you should too #apush #ap us history #apush fandom #school #studyblr #jacksonian era #Andrew Jackson #John C Calhoun #Martin van Buren #James K Polk #18th century

[apushfandom]

I’m doing my take-home quiz for my Civil War class, writing an essay on the question: “ANALYZE PRESIDENT BUCHANAN’S PERFORMANCE IN TERMS OF DEALING WITH THE HEIGHTENED SECTIONAL CRISIS DURING HIS TERM OF OFFICE.”  Here’s my introductory paragraph.

Imagine, if you will, a man haplessly trying to cover a giant vat with a tiny pot lid.  The vat has been simmering for a long while, it reached 212 degrees at some point, and now it begins to boil over.  As this is happening, the man still tries to contain the searing hot mess with his tiny lid, but that works about as well as one would expect.  To top it off, the man is not even wearing oven mitts.  What a fool.  In the world of antebellum politics, this man is James Buchanan.

#this is an appropriate level f disrespect #apush #ap us history #apush fandom #school #studyblr

[apushfandom]

big dick energy? no, i’m way more interested in big stick energy. hi, i’m theodore roosevelt,

#I CANT DO IT #apush #AP us history #school #studyblr #roosevelt #apush fandom #teddy roosevelt hate club #foreign policy #international relations

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i was about to ask why buchanan looked like that and then i realized he always looks like that

#Buchanan tea #civil war #apush #ap us history #history #union #confederacy #studyblr

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Blorbo from my history textbook

#APUSH #ap us history #School #studyblr #APUSH fandom #me with ulysses s grant

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APPROVED, PERSONALLY ENDORSED, METAPHYSICALLY ABSORBED

We got the real @apushfandom approving my fanart guys 🙏🙏

#apush fandom #its so good

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i see your blog is new and you are unsure if you can force yourself to care about apush. i assure you, american history is lots of fun young citizen. welcome to the fandom. may your ap scores be high. may your dbqs be easy if they still do those. (idk, i haven't been to high school since 1806.) love, 10th president john tyler

golly thank you so much mr. president 🫡 ill heed your advice

#apush fandom ultra immersive

[apushfandom]

1850s Tumblr Dashboard Simulator

👸🏻 girlbossladyjane Follow

It really makes me sick to see people giving money to penny weeklies when Franklin's expedition STILL has not been found 😭 There are good men out there trapped in unimaginable temperatures and literally all that's needed is a little more funding for another rescue mission yet all you guys seem to care about are your vulgar little stories...

🧔🏻‍♂️ queerqueg Follow

the franklin expedition is dead as hell

👸🏻 girlbossladyjane Follow

Disgraceful thing to say but I'd expect nothing more from a M*lville fan

10,558 notes

👨🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👨🏻 hartgrindisreal

Sorry for posting so much about Tom Gradgrind/James Harthouse from Hard Times lately. It turns out that I was getting arsenic poisoning from my wallpaper? Anyway I took a seaside stroll and I'm normal now. Check your walls y'all

#whyyy did i assume they were committing unlawful actions together like where did i even get that from lol #hard times isn't even that good by dickens standards tbh

659 notes

🎨 asherbrowndurand

Just painted this

2 notes

ss-arctic-girlie-deactivated18540927

RIP Napoleon... you may have been unable to conquer Alexander's Russia but you sure as hell conquered Alexander's bed

🖼️ preraphaelitebro Follow

HERITAGE POST

📝 shakespearesforehead Follow

How does this have less than 100k notes you could literally not avoid this post back in the 20s lol

82,170 notes

🌄 loyalromantic Follow

poets just aren't dying young in mysterious water-related incidents like they used to :/

#as useless and degenerative as i find 'the living poets' and i'm glad we're finally moving on from them #i have to agree with op in this respect

6,884 notes

🎀 thefopdiaries Follow

I finally got a daguerreotype of myself ^_^ Porcelain urn for scaling

📜 bartlebi-thescrivener

i think i hauve consumption

112 notes

🐋 whaler4life

They found oil in the ground??? WTF. THIS IS LITERALLY THE WORSTTTT. FUCK MY LIFE FOR REAL THIS TIME

11 notes

🌿 naturesnaturalist Follow

I swear this website has 0 reading comprehension skills. Darwin NEVER claimed we "evolved" from apes like if one of you guys actually bothered to open his new book you'll see all his arguments are backed up by evidence. He actually makes a lot of sense

#sure there's nuance like i don't fully agree with all of it #but his general theory of natural selection seems pretty sound imo

56 notes

🤵🏻‍♂️ byronicherotournament Follow

🙈 butchbronte Follow

Of course these are the finalists lmao this website is so predictable. Anyway vote Heathcliff if you dont i'm going to assume you're a phrenologist

📖 sapphichelenburns Follow

It's not problematic to acknowledge the fact that Heathcliff was a brute like he literally killed dogs in case you forgot. #rochestersweep

🙈 butchbronte Follow

I love the implication here that Rochester never did anything cruel either. He literally locked his wife in the attic and lied to Jane about it 😭 like that was a pretty significant thing that happened

📖 sapphichelenburns Follow

And? God forbid women do anything

#why'd you have to pit two bad bitches against each other #anyway i'm not attracted to men but still went with rochester #bc in terms of living quarters thornfield hall > wuthering heights easily

8,027 notes

👨🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👨🏻 hartgrindisreal

Not the Russian tsar dying immediately after hartgrind became canon

#i know dickens hasn't technically confirmed it yet but like. SOMETHING was strongly implied ok #see: my previous post #dickensposting

522 notes

👨🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👨🏻 hartgrindisreal

LORD HELP ME. THE BODY LANGUAGE. THE WAY THEY'RE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER. AHHHHHH

#this installment!!! im-- #dickensposting #i can't fucking cope #dickens wants to KILL us he wants us DEAD....

2,309 notes

⭐️ newamerican

Hi guys sorry I haven't been posting lately it's been so difficult getting to California 💀 I'm finally here now though just need to find a pickaxe and soon I'll be digging! :-) wish me luck lol

#gold #gold rush #gold rush grind #california #adventure

0 notes

#this was beautiful #gold rush mentioned so im putting it here #and asher brown durand #APUSH fandom #apush #ap us history

[apushfandom]

this is a fantastic Terrible Historial Fiction.  van buren breaks up a bitchfight between Tyler and Calhoun over congressional supremacy. 

#APUSH #ap us history #apush fandom #school #studyblr #john c calhoun #martin van buren