anxietymom

[anxietymom]

How do you be a good mom when you’re constantly in survival mode? I feel like I’m just barely making it day by day, I’m always looking to the next day, to where it gets easier. And I’m just surviving. I want to feel alive and happy.

#mom life #survival

[anxietymom]

They say the first year is the hardest. If you and your partner can make it through the first year, then you’re golden. I think that’s bullshit. The first year is hard because it’s all new and you’re clueless and all of the things you ignored about your partner before the baby, is finally piling up and you can’t seem to let it slide like you used to. You have to relearn things about your partner and it gets very real very quickly because before the baby, it wasn’t “that big of a deal” when you seemed to always be the one cooking and cleaning and trying to keep the house tidy. But now you don’t sleep anymore and the house is always messy. And they don’t help. With any of it. You can ask for help sure, but you’re probably going to cause a fight because they work so you can stay home. The first year is a lot of asking yourself if you can live like that for the next 18+ years. It’s a lot of trying to communicate that that shit won’t fly without hurting your partners feelings. It’s a lot of loneliness and feeling like you’re doing it all alone because god forbid your partner lifts a finger to help keep on top of things and on the off chance they do (usually to prove a point) you’re the bad guy for not showering them with praise.

It’s a lot of your partner getting angry when the mess and the laundry pile up because your kid is fussy so it’s hard to accomplish much of anything. The first year is learning to accept that no one cares if you’re “touched out”, your partner getting mad that you don’t want to be touched after a long day of puke and poop and biting. The first year is a lot of sleep deprived fighting and feeling like you aren’t being heard.

The first year is the hardest because it is when you realize that nothing is going to change, and you have to decide: can I live like this?

#postpartum #post partum #moms with anxiety #mom life #new moms #mom guilt #wife

[anxietymom]

I feel like I experience second hand embarrassment more than I do first. People just don’t understand how to act around introverts. LIKE WHY ARE YOU TELLING THE WAITER THEY GOT YOUR ORDER WRONG!!!!😳😫

[anxietymom]

Today I don’t want to be a mom.

Summer has always been my favourite season. I love the heat, the sun, the late night dirt road drives, and the smell of barbecue around the neighborhood. Summer is hard with a 2 month old. Babies can’t regulate their body temperature very well so the heat isn’t so much fun for them, but they don’t exactly enjoy a cold cloth touching their skin either. While I would love to be outside enjoying this heatwave, I am forever searching for a cool basement to hide in with my baby so he doesn’t overheat.

I knew that becoming a mom meant endless sacrifices, and always putting your child first. I expected everything to change, and I knew this was coming! Most days I really don’t mind, Casey provides me with all the joy and laughter I could ever need, but today is hard. My whole family is out at the river camping and I’m hiding in my parents basement because my house is sitting at a hellfire level of heat. Casey is FINALLY cooled down enough to nap, so I’m here alone. Being alone sucks. My partner is working nights, and everyone else is out camping and enjoying summer. I signed up for this, I don’t regret it, but today I just want a break from being a mom.

I’d like a break from being an after thought, for people to want to include me in things instead of politely saying I’m not invited. I know that I can’t do most things my friends do because I have a baby and he needs me to parent, and no one wants to hang out with a crying infant. I’d like to be able to eat a hot meal without feeling guilty because my mom or mother in law is letting their food get cold so I can enjoy mine. I want to have a day where I can just be irresponsible and not worry about my baby.

You don’t get to do that as a mom.

#motherhood #parenting #boymom #newmom #postpartum

[anxietymom]

I’m not part of a “mom group”. When I first had Casey two months ago, a family member invited me to join the Facebook group she runs for mother’s. I figured it would be a good thing to be a part of given that it was all about support and giving advice...yikes. Mom groups, I quickly discovered, are a breeding ground for judgment, negativity, and just generally making other moms feel like shit. Maybe they aren’t all the same but, from the other women I have talked to, the verdict is pretty similar. If you use formula you’re a bad mom, if you use nipple shields while breastfeeding you’re weak. If you complain about how hard breastfeeding is...well how dare you. Sleep training is a no no, letting your baby fuss for a bit before picking them up is just cruel. God forbid you use disposable diapers instead of cloth (or visa-versa), and let’s not forget about how whichever way you choose to discipline your child, you’re wrong.

I believe that we all do whatever works for us. It doesn’t matter what Susie Smith says is the best way; if you find something that makes your life easier then that’s the way to go- as long as you know, you’re not harming your kid. I co-slept with Casey for the first week of his life because if I put him down he would scream. And scream. And scream. A lot of people made me feel bad for doing it, but at least I was getting enough sleep to be able to care for my baby properly. After the week of co-sleeping, when Casey started to move around more in his sleep, we decided to try him in his own room in his crib because he absolutely hated his bassinet. The looks of horror, the snide comments, and the flat out accusations of being a shitty mom that I got was unreal. But Casey slept a full six hours after we moved him to his room and my partner and I sleep way better now too. Selfish? Perhaps it is, but I think the good outweighs the potential bad in this case. I know that this sleeping arrangement wouldn’t work for everyone, lots of parents keep their infants in the room with them way longer, lots of parents co-sleep too. Like I said before, if it works it works.

We all do the best we can, we’re all just as clueless as the next person and trying to find some type of balance in a world that got turned upside down and inside out once our babies arrived. Who am I to tell another parent that they’re doing it wrong? I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing 99% of the time. It doesn’t matter if Jane isn’t breastfeeding, or if Linda is using cloth diapers; their babies are healthy and loved and that should be all that matters.

#motherhood #parenting #bad moms #parenting struggles #parenting styles #toxic behavior #stay in your lane

[anxietymom]

Motherhood is HARD.

I don’t think a lot of people understand this, I mean what’s so difficult about taking care of a baby when all you have to do is feed them, burp them, and make sure their diaper is clean? All they do is sleep and cry and eat...sounds easy enough. But they don’t just sleep, they cry, and they scream. Our little humans can’t communicate with us like we’re used to, so they cry if something is wrong...or if nothing is wrong. People say that after a while we will know the difference between each little cry but that doesn’t make it any better; the baby is still crying and sometimes nothing can make it stop. They want to be held, but they don’t want to be touched so all the rocking and bouncing and shushing in the world just won’t settle him or her. They’re so tired but won’t go to sleep because they’ve worked themselves up too much and now they have the hiccups. He or she is hungry but they have a belly ache from drinking too fast during the last feed but of course they won’t burp to get rid of the gas bubbles. The baby is over stimulated but still wants to see and hear us, but talking softly or singing quietly is still too much stimulation. We’re doing it wrong. We’re horrible mothers.

I tell myself that I’m a bad mom at least once a day, and I feel guilt almost 24/7. That’s not something that people talk about very much so I wasn’t exactly expecting to feel like crap ALL THE TIME. Mom guilt is real and it sucks. I put my son down because my arms are dead and I need a minute to not have someone touching me, and I cry because how could I feel that way? I take a shower and he’s crying out for me as soon as I have shampoo in my hair, so I rush and probably don’t rinse all the soap out but that doesn’t matter because I shouldn’t have showered while my son was sleeping. I ask my mother in law to watch him for an hour so I can get a tiny bit of sleep, but I lay awake feeling sick to my stomach with guilt for pawning him off and not looking after him. I probably should ask for help more often, my house is a mess and the laundry is piling up, but I should be able to manage it all on my own...I’m just a terrible mother. I was only able to breastfeed for a month before my supply dried up, and I sobbed alone on the couch because, even though I knew that as long as he was eating and was healthy he would be okay, I was failing him. I second guess everything I do, every decision I make for my son is the wrong one...at least that’s how it feels. I tell myself over and over that I’m doing the best I can, but I’m also telling myself over and over that I’m doing it wrong and that I’m a terrible mom.

I don’t regret having my baby. I love him and I’m so happy to be his mother, but I do find motherhood exhausting. I find it lonely and scary. My partner helps, but he doesn’t get it. I’m on duty all day everyday and all night every night, he gets a break from 7am-5pm. He comes home and is tired, he wants to watch tv and relax but Casey is fussy and I’m pacing the house trying to soothe him. And suddenly we’re all cranky which only fuels Casey’s fussiness and turns his little pitiful whimpers into ear piercing shrieks and wails. “Give him his soother” my partner will suggest (usually with an annoyed edge to his voice) and I won’t answer because I’ve been trying to give him his sucky all day with no luck. So I walk around the house with Casey bawling in my arms, his face red from crying, and I try not to be frustrated because it isn’t his fault. I try not to resent my partner as he sits there looking irritated while he rubs his temples. I could ask for a small break, but I’m angry because I shouldn’t have to and I feel guilty for being mad, and the house is a disaster which is obviously my fault and I shouldn’t need a break after doing nothing all day. So I keep walking and rocking my baby until finally, after a whole day of on and off tantrums, Casey falls asleep. I wake up at 5am and do it all over again.

#motherhood #bad moms #post partum #parenting #newborn #2months old #mom guilt

[anxietymom]

Back in February I lost my soulmate. He had leukimia, and he downplayed it right to the end so I wouldn't be worried while I was pregnant. I knew he was sick, but I didn't know how sick he was until his brother told me that he had passed away. I don't know where else to get all this out so I'm doing it here. He and I met when we were 10 years old, his family had moved into the house just down the street from me. We became friends almost right away and stayed friends through the worst of times and the best- over fifteen years. I feel so lost. The one person who never gave up on me, who always chose to see the best in me...and life took him away so abruptly. I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye. I always said that we were star crossed lovers, one of us was always chasing the other at the wrong time. But no matter what we were friends first and that never changed. I miss him so fucking much.

[anxietymom]

Absolutely living for the fact that in ancient Greece, it was said that when Apollo was drunk he created people with the “wrong” genitalia,, which, first of all, means that 1. trans people are not a new thing, we’ve always been here and we’ve always found ways to justify and explain our existence, and 2. the way that we chose to explain ourselves at one point was, “Yeah, the sun was wasted as hell when he made me, but it’s cool.” and that is fucking awesome

[anxietymom]

The 100 | Alternate Ending

As Clarke rounded the corner the muffled laughter and chatter became louder. They were there on the beach, building structures and gathering food, just like back in the Dropship days.

Her face fell. She should feel happy that they’d decided to stay for her, but she didn’t. She knew they’d inevitably come to regret that decision. They could have had a life of peace and instead had chosen to live out their mortal lives with her. She was willing to bear it so they didn’t have to and now they were here, wanting to bear it with her. She didn’t want that life. For them or for her.

The soft hum of an engine sounded from behind. Clarke turned away from her friends and watched as the rover emerged from the trees.

Her mouth opened in surprise as she took a few small steps forward. Could it be?

The rover door opened and his familiar silhouette jumped out. He had a backpack over his shoulder and a rifle attached to his belt. He must have been out foraging.

She ran, her legs moving as fast as they could through the sand. Her vision tunnelled so she could see him and only him. Before Bellamy knew what was happening, Clarke’s arms were wrapped around him.

She hugged him tight, taking in his smell, that familiar scent that she knew as well as anything. She pulled away and looked at him to make sure he was real. She didn’t understand how he was here. How was this possible? After what she’d done?

It was him. She was sure of that.

And she knew he’d forgive her as he always did. They’d continue forgiving each other time and time again until the end. That was the life she wanted. That was the life she’d choose.

Now this felt like home.

[anxietymom]

(x)

[anxietymom]

“They were written as romantic regardless of what everyone one says. That’s how we were told to perform it and that’s what we did. So yeah, it would’ve made sense if they would’ve at least talked about their feelings”

-Bob Morley

[anxietymom]

How did you know? It’s the little things.

[anxietymom]

black women own the power of cosplay

QUEENS

[anxietymom]

Self Care isn’t Selfish

How do I even be a mom? I can hardly manage being a good partner half the time...Now I know that there isn't a magical formula to being a good mom, and a lot of it is going to be figure it out as I go, but I still can't stop myself from obsessing over my relentless need to be good at everything I do. So how the hell do I be good at motherhood? Lately I've been trying to get it through my head that as long as my baby is healthy then I'll be right where I need to be, but then I have selfish thoughts too; what about me? What about my health and happiness? I feel guilty all the time because we are conditioned from a young age to know that once we have kids, our needs and wants don't exist...but that's not true. A lot of people may disagree with me here but, our health and happiness are just as important and necessary as our babies; they kind of go hand in hand. If you neglect yourself, and are always miserable, it will take a toll on everything around you. Now that isn't to say just go out and always be focused on YOU and only YOU, because our kids are the most important and we can't be selfish, but there is a certain selfishness in not taking care of ourselves too. That is something I'm still struggling to grasp and hopefully it will sink in before my baby decides to join me and Triston.

#motherhood #moms with anxiety #new mom to be

[anxietymom]

just remembered my favorite ben shapiro own of all time which is when he was debating a transgender woman on dr. drew and he made a point to misgender her as many times as possible in a single sentence so she put her hand on the back of his neck like she was picking up a kitten, looked him dead in the eyes, and said “cut it out or you’ll be leaving here in an ambulance”

shapiro started immediately sniveling about civility in political debate like the little cockroach he is but not a single person in the room would back him up

[anxietymom]

realized that Clarke murdered all three of them in cold blood... the Backstreet Boys really aren’t back, are they

[anxietymom]

here’s how Bellarke should have ended:

After killing Cadogan, Clarke takes the test.

She fails, too angry and vengeful after all that has happened.

Once out, she finds the war, and convinces both sides to stand down. Eventually, they both agree, and the infinity loop is broken.

She awakes on the Ark, facing an infinity symbol - she has passed her test, finally, to prove that she is no longer a threat. Her prison sentence - her test - is over. She has passed. She is free.

Clarke finds Bellamy on the Ark. He has passed his test too. She’s not sure what his test was, or what he’s seen, but the look in his eyes tells her the same. 

He found her as she found him. 

The head and the heart. Together.

She kisses him.