anxietykicksmyass

[anxietykicksmyass]

i think i have bpd

#y'all ever just get a message from your best friend for the first time in a while and suddenly feel alive again

[anxietykicksmyass]

the whole day went by today and i didn't hear from him once. maybe i'm overthinking but i hope to god everything's okay

#he's been posting so i know he himself is okay #but. it's unusual for him to say nothing to me #i hope i haven't upset him at all

[anxietykicksmyass]

i don't want to be alive anymore!!

[anxietykicksmyass]

#i mean i do

[anxietykicksmyass]

[anxietykicksmyass]

it's my 21st birthday and today has reminded me of everything i wanna kms over 🙃

#suicide tw

[anxietykicksmyass]

[anxietykicksmyass]

What if I never fucking get over you. Then what. Then what do I fucking do. Do I spend my days wandering as a fucking ghost. Searching for something that’s been lost long ago but I’m unable to give up

[anxietykicksmyass]

where’s my oscar for acting like i’m not falling apart 

[anxietykicksmyass]

all these people think love's for show, but i would die for you in secret....

[anxietykicksmyass]

last two times i made this trip it was to visit my boyfriend who i was completely in love with and who was completely in love with me

now it's to visit my ex who im still in love with as much as it hurts and who clearly has extremely mixed and complicated feelings towards me and im just. i wanna go back in time. i wanna fix what i did. it was the stupidest thought process that led to the stupidest mistake and it's scarred him for life to the point it is a fucking miracle he hasn't just told me to kill myself and then block me so like. how do we go forward. even as friends how do we move past this.

#i guess the answer's probably just some shit like 'one step at a time' and while that's true and i can have that mindset sometimes im just. #everything was so perfect before i ruined it all in an instant. #i ruined his life. #i don't fucking deserve to live. #and yet he still wants me around and I don't understand How.

[anxietykicksmyass]

do you ever find a song with lyrics that apply to you so well it's just like "if i ever end up killing myself this could be my note"

#suicide tw

[anxietykicksmyass]

just like that, there was someone everyday

i listened to their tale

i made them turn away

and yet there is no one who

would do this for me

no way i can let out all this pain

[anxietykicksmyass]

#genuine expression of desire but without intent of following through

[anxietykicksmyass]

#damn bitch me too the fuck

[anxietykicksmyass]

maybe someday I'll earn back his trust and he might want to try again. but that honestly doesn't seem likely.

i don't expect it. and i definitely don't feel *entitled* to it just because im doing everything right *after* the fact. i still hurt him and he has no obligation to forgive me at all, let alone to be as close as we still are.

but i can hope.

[anxietykicksmyass]

where’s my oscar for acting like i’m not falling apart