amyinthesky00

[amyinthesky00]

Dear Pro-lifers

Stop using infertile people as props in your arguments

Stop saying that it’s some kind of duty for someone to have kids because it’s such a tragedy that some of us can’t

Stop saying that because some of us out there can’t have kids anyone who gets pregnant is obligated to give birth

Stop using us as a way to make people shut up because you think bringing up infertility is a perfect way to guilt someone into staying pregnant

And I say “us” because I’m a part of that. I can’t have children

And I sure as hell do not appreciate you using the choices taken from me as a reason to take them from someone else

[amyinthesky00]

For some of us, motherhood is neither an option nor desire. Autism for me means feeling disconnected from even those closest to me, but with the complications of being cognizant of that gap. I could never love a child the way a child should be loved, and I have no desire to try. I know what it feels like to be unwanted, and to realize that my parent is unable to provide affection or appropriate parental support even if they wanted to try. It isn’t always “different when they’re yours”, and that isn’t a gamble I’m willing to take on someone else’s life.

So to the countless strangers, colleagues, and minor acquaintances who seem obsessed with my uterus, fuck off. My reasons are valid, but they are none of your business. The least you could do is be grateful I’m not contributing to overpopulation or risking increasing the social burden of my physical conditions by sharing my DNA.

Parenthood is difficult enough when you love and want your children. I have so much respect for autistic parents who are out there doing their best to raise beautiful people. I support your decisions, so please - I hope you’ll be respectful of mine.

[amyinthesky00]

[amyinthesky00]

Pre op.

The Friday before the surgery date, I went to the hospital for pre op. USMD is a tiny hospital. I mean tiny. I couldn't get lost if I tried. I walked in and saw a long counter with multiple people handling billing. I confirmed I was in the right place and sat down. My hands were full of papers from Dr. M's office and I was at risk of dropping them all. I had gone straight over from his office, where I had to do pre op with him as well as sign some papers. The billing guy calls me over and I can tell immediately he's flirting with me. I'm not vain, but in a hospital setting where 90% of the people are going to be over the age of 50, women my age are probably in short supply. We talk about usmd and he tells me it had a fully functioning er department. After the billing is out of the way (where I'm told my portion will be a whopping $1,800 but I got a free pen out of it so it's ok) I'm sent to sit back down where a nurse quickly calls me back. At least it felt quick. She starts apologizing for the wait. I reassure her that it's ok, wondering how many people a day let her know that it is decisively not ok for them to wait. After blood work (dr m wanted to check my CBC and make sure my red blood cell count was high enough for surgery) I went to sit back down in another waiting area where I immediately recognize a woman from dr M's office and her husband. I've seen her 3 times in the past 2 weeks and I know her name is Catherine, even though we've never spoken. She is a pretty woman who wears very little makeup. Every time I've seen her she has her 3 daughters with her, all wearing long skirts. As friendly as she seems, my anxiety immediately kicks in. I just want to be alone. She smiles tentatively and says "you're from dr m's office aren't you?" We talk for a few minutes and I tell her a little bit about my background and why I'm here, never minding that her husband is sitting there hearing all the dory details. He is by her side every time I see her, so I figure it isn't anything he hasn't heard before. Her eyes are warm and filled with compassion "I'm sorry for what you're going through" she says genuinely. I thank her and tell her I'm sorry for her situation too. She tells me of a friend she has who dr m helped have 2 children. She looks at me intently and says "I know you're going to have a story like that too" To my embarrassment, my eyes start to tear up and I thank her again. She is called back for her appointment and she pats me on the shoulder telling me to take care of myself. I smile back and tell her I'm thinking about her and hoping her surgery goes well. Pre op is done shortly after. Another nurse calls me back and asks me a laundry list of questions. She is clearly relieved that this is going so fast. I must be a dream patient for her. Much too young to have ang of the conditions she's asking about and not much medical history either. I walk out into the brilliant September sun. It was a gorgeous day. Breezy and cool. It could have been the first day of the rest of my life. But it's not. I feel more drained than I've ever felt in my life. I can't believe i only started this journey a week and a half ago. Dr M doesn't mess around and for that I'm thankful, but thank god I have the weekend to recover. I'm not worried about the surgery. It has to be better than my experience the other day (which probably would have been fairly simple without my wonky cervix) I can't figure out what it is. I can feel myself changing again. Each step takes me further from my old life of not knowing what was wrong with me. I was happy in that life despite any of this. I hope that no matter what the future holds, I can re channel that feeling of contentment. Hopefully with a baby in the mix one day. I remind myself this won't last forever. This will all make sense one day.

[amyinthesky00]

Hysteroscopy part 2.

Then the fun started. "I'm going to examine you" dr M says with a slight frown, taking out the speculum. He starts to check my cervix, pushing on my stomach while he does it. he says " Amy, your cervix is very deep and way to the left" he tells me in his soft, gentler way "Im having trouble viewing it. I'm going to try a different instrument" "Sure" I reply "little pinch my darling" he says Uhh. BIG pinch. And by pinch, that actually meant my cervix was being yanked on by a metal insturment. I hold my breath, trying to relax. The pain was bad, but of course being me, I sucked it up. Dr. M could tell though. He says he was going to try one more thing and if that didnt work, we were rescheduling for the hospital. I said that was fine and we would do whatever he thought was best. The newest instrument also failed to work and I just couldn't relax with the pain. He had me sit up and hold my hands one over the other ( my hands being my vagina) to demonstrate why he was having trouble doing what he needed to do ( afore mentioned weird cervix) and that combined my discomfort was making it impossible to view what he needed to. It was hospital time. To most people, that would be scary. All I could think was " sweet jesus, knock me out. ALL THE DRUGS" He gave me a quick hug saying " sorry, my darling" quite a change from the somewhat impersonal feeling I got from him to start with. I reassure him that its ok, appreciating that he took my discomfort so seriously. Because I sure as hell wasnt going to tell him. He leaves the room and I gather my thoughts and get dressed. I walk out, and see him standing waiting for me at the desk outside the room. He starts telling me how simple this procedure is and how many he's done "well over 500" I laugh and say " I bet you could do it with your eyes closed" He says teasingly " well, not with YOU..but yes usually" I ask him if the cervix thing could be affecting my fertility. He doesnt think so and schedules me for surgery at 10 am Tuesday. At this point my relief is giving way to the anti anxiety medicine in my system. I. Get. Loopy. I walk in the waiting room giggling and promptly tell mom to take me to get pizza. It was a good day and all was right in the world. For now.

[amyinthesky00]

Hysteroscopy. part uno

Next morning. i woke up, showered, fixed my hair, got dolled up per the usual when Im nervous. I wore a black dress with multicolored sunburst on it and a yellow cardigan. bright. cheerful. Mom picked me up early, we headed to kroger where we were easily able to obtain the elusive norco and grab breakfast at the starbucks inside. I ate a blueberry muffin without much interest, finally throwing it away. I am a posiitve person by nature. An easy going person. But I couldnt help the resentment. Then the guilt. On one hand, there are people right and left having kids on accident, and here I am willingly going throgh an invasive procedure just for a shot at it happening. On thr other hand (there is always, always the other hand with me) there are people a world away being blown up for trying to vote and here i am, sulking over having to have surgery done that will be done in a sanitary envirnemnt with a skilled doctor and will be fairly affordable due to insurance coverage. On the way to the office, I popped the xanax and 800 mg ibuprofen I had been instructed to take an hour ahead of time. I wondered if the adrenaline i felt would counter act the effects. We arrive 15 minutes early. I settle into my seat, staing at my feet. There is a ggiantic selection of magazines avialble for my viewing pleasure, but none of them hold any appeal. E, Dr M/s nurse comes into the waiting room to get the norco from me. I proudly hand it over, relieved to have this one bit of preparation which made me feel just a little bit in control. She calls me back shortly after, Mom pats me on the shoulder and to my horror, E asks her if she wants to come back with me. I quickly shake my head, saying " Oh, Im fine." with a big smile. She has me come back to the room where I had my sonogram. Except this time, theres a table with all kinds of terrifying equipment on a tray in front of it. "bottoms off, and he'll be right in" she says with a quick smile. I remember the saline drip set up was leaking slightly. Who knows what that was for. I quickly take off my underwear and shoes, faced with the ever present question; where the hell do i put this stuff? do i just leave it in plain sight? ball my panties up and put them in my purse? i settle for putting it all in a distant corner when dr M comes in. He sees Im not quite ready and immediatly begins apologizing all over the place. I shrug and reassure him that its ok. its not like anything was showing and the man has literally already seen IT ALL. I positon myself on the table, paper sheet over my legs. He comes in again, still apologizing. I smile and again reassure him that its fine. I can immediatly tell hes going to be very careful with me today. He realizes how dificult this must be to have virtually a stranger all up in my business. Thats good because after 40 years you would think he would adapt the casual nonchalance of a mechanic doing a tune up on a car. Dr M. asks about the dripping saline drip. Nurse E responds that she isnt sure why its leaking. He doesn't seem too concerned, joking that I was apaprently going to get another shower today. I laugh nervously, probably sounding like a pony whinny. " i guess we'll kill two birds with one stone" he smiles and asks me to scoot forward on the table. I scoot down immedatly ripping the paper on the table. Neither dr m or nurse E seem to notice. Nurse E asks me to talk about my favorite vacation while dr M inserts something cold and metal in my lady bits. I immediately going into talkative/nervous/slightly drugged mode chatting with the nurse about going to cabo san lucas last christmas. The nurse says how nice that sounds while dr M murmers his agreement. I in turn ask the nurse about her favorite vacation destination and then dr. M about his life in south africa. I cant catch everything hes saying; he is sometimes hard to hear even when his head isnt at my ankles. There really isnt any discomfort yet. just the same metal speculum used in a pap smear. Then the fun started.

[amyinthesky00]

The elusive Norco and Walgreens sucks.

The morning of the in office procedure dawned cool and sunny. I had spent the previous evening in a mad frenzy trying to secure the apparently elusive prescrition of liquid norco, that I needed to take to Dr. M for the procedure. To explain, The Norco was for dr M to use during the pricedure as an anesthetic. I might as well have been trying to obtain nucluer launch codes for all the luck i had with that. To Walgreens, A big collective and sarcastic; thanks. a lot. I took them the prescription on friday (the procedure was the next tuesday) with the assurance that it would be ready for pickup monday afternoon. Of course, of effing course, when I go pick it up, its only not there; they dont even know when they'll get more in. Now, anyone who knows me knows im NOT an asshole when it comes to customer service. I am the nicest person you could possibly meet because I KNOW how it is and how it feels for someone to be rude to you for no reason and often for something you cant control. But did I get so much as an apology for them completely screwing up my evening when I was already a mess of anxiety over what fresh hell awaited me the next day? uhh, no. It doesnt help that i internalize all that anxiety. I would never let anyone see it, because... who knows. so after desperately calling around to every pharmacy within the tristate area and almost losing my shit on the pharmacy assistant at the CVS when she informed, yet again, that this was a very hard to find script and it wasnt available anywhere nearby and why couldnt I just take the tablet form of norco? "well you see, randomy pharmacy assistant, I need the liquid form so that my dr can mix it up and inject it in my cervix to try and make the rigid tube with a camera and light on it a little easier to fit through to my uterus, where he will hopefully uncover the cause of the infertility and endless bleeding that has plagued me for god knows how long" Because im totally going to say that. So I finally call Kroger. I caught sight of myself in the mirror and was horrified. I looked like hell. My hair was a mess eyes crazy. Just feeling the weight of everything that had happened over the last week. It was like in those movies where the heavens open up and a sunbeam emerges. "we can have that for you in the morning" the angel, I mean, pharmacist said when she got back on the line. Just like that I might have started bawling (and I dont cry) while thanking her profusely. She probably wondered what she did to have this crazy whackola call her at the end of her work day. Thanks to Jenny, I am a Kroger pharmacy customer for life.

*to be continued*

[amyinthesky00]

First appointment. Part 2.

"It might be a bit uncomfortable, we'll have to get a better look at the uterus using a thin lighter tube" honestly at this point I am still reeling from the news of my ridiculous uterine lining and unable to fully take in what he is telling me about this procedure. He explains that it is not done in the hospital normally and a local anesthetic is used. It is used to diagnose uterine polyps, fibroids, cysts, etc. I remain smooth faced and nod. No problem. Inside, I can't wait to get out of the office so I can google everything he's just said. He also gave me an explanation of my last round of lab work, which actually wasn't terribly out of whack. He's no longer sure of the pcos and I side I feel a little smug that I had him stumped. In a way I think it endeared me to him. I suppose doctors like challenges. I had a twisted sense of amusement to be the FIRST person ever with this condition. I always knew I was a freak. My iron was low. He said "your pretty anemic". "I'm not surprised" I said "I'm not either" he asked me to hold out my hand and put his next to if. "Look how pink mine is compared to yours" I stared. He went on to explain "your body is losing blood faster than it can make it" also, not surprising. He took me out of his office and promptly set to work finding me some iron pill samples "you're going to feel a lot better" he said with a smile. I thanked him, reeling at the difference between my dr today compared to yesterday. Yesterday I suppose I had been just a generic, 20 something. Boring. Routine. Now there was intrigue. There was something to fix. Maybe now we would get somewhere.

[amyinthesky00]

First Appointment. Part 1.

It took forever to make the appointment.

I did not have high hopes.

My first meeting with Dr. M. (fertility specialist) wasn't anything special. He got right to the point. A little too much so. While he took my medical history, I regarded him with a doubtful expression. A quiet man, about 65 with a soft lilting accent. Quite proper. (I found it later that he's from South Africa, but practiced in Britain) that visit was pretty routine. Suspected pcos. Metformin and clomid next cycle. Got it. He asked me if I had any pain. I pointed to my left side to a spot that often had an uncomfortable pressure, but not pain. He said there could be a cyst and scheduled me the next day for a sonogram. Good. At least we aren't messing around. Overall, I was pleased. It wasn't anything I didn't already think. I left feeling ok. He wasn't the friendliest doctor in the world, but I didn't need any more doctor bffs. Especially after how the last one turned out. (More about that later) As long as he took care of my cranky ovaries, I was fine. The next day I walked back into the office. I remember my foot bouncing out of nerves. I looked down at my rose printed leggings and got lost in thought. I don't know how I got here. It didn't make any sense. I was vaguely aware at the lack of happy and glowing pregnant women in his office. Most were middle aged or older. Good. Finally, the sonographer called me back. She was a plump grayish woman of about 60 with nurse ratchet shoes and a no nonsense expression. She asked me to empty my bladder and get on the table. I tried to chat with her about the paintings on the wall and basically anything else, except what she was doing. She stayed quiet through most of the procedure. Whatever. Just get good pictures lady so I don't have to do this again. The procedure was painless but not comfortable either. If you can imagine what it feels like to have your insides tickled, that's about what it feels like. I was almost laughing then immediately feeling horrified. Who laughs when a stranger has a wand up their vagina. The sonographer mercifully finished up with a quick nod. I vaguely thought how ironic it was to not have your first sonogram be of your baby, but at a possible ovarian cyst or polyp. Meh. That's life. Back to the waiting room. My foot was bouncing again. Dr M came back out and called another patient back, then another. The next time he came out, he looked straight at me and gave me a "hold on" kind of sign. I gave him a small smile in return. He seemed eager to tell me something which immediately set me at ease and terrified me at the same time. I've never had that great of an Imagination , except when it comes to made up scenarios that will probably never happen. Luckily I didn't have much time to think on it and just before I decided I probably had 3 months to live, dr m beckoned me back. I practically ran to his office and sat down. He sat across from me. He was smiling. SMILING. "I'm very pleased" he said "pleased?!" I asked with a nervous laugh. What did that mean? That he found nothing and all this shit still doesn't have a cause?? That he DID find something and could fix it?! "Your uterine lining is much, much too thick" he said with another smile. That's when I saw it. The connection. The puzzle to solve. I felt he was seeing me in a different way. I supposed that should offend me but it really didn't. Of course a dr would show more interest in a more complex problem. That is their job after all. That moment changed the whole course of our patient doctor relationship. "Your lining is 24 millimeters thick, it's the thickest I've ever seen. I've done this for 40 years" "wait, too THICK?! UHM, what about all the endless bleeding? My lining is supposed to be THIN from that right?!" "Normally, yes" all I could think to say was "well I think a prize is in order" I immediately went into protection mode i.e., goofy and joking to disguise my anxiety. "We'll have to do a small procedure" he said with an apologetic look on his face. Finally! I thought somebody who gives a rats ass about my discomfort through all this. about my discomfort through all this.

*to be continued*

[amyinthesky00]

The new rules.

When I was a kid, my older brother had a friend who was at our house quite a bit. This friend and I despised one another. Any time we would play Monopoly , Clue, even twister, this friend would invent new and ridiculous rules. It didn’t matter what it was. He would set new rules for every game to give himself an advantage and it infuriated me every single time.

We’re told from a young age that if we put good into life, we get good out of it. That our life is a reflection of our choices and that if you’re a good person, good things will come your way. That people with good luck actually really just make good choices. What were not prepared for is the sobering truth. Life isn’t fair. It just simply isn’t. And when it comes to infertility, it gives new meaning to the phrase “rain falls on the just and the unjust.”

We have no actual control over an alarming amount of things in our life. We coast along content with our illusion of control. At best, we are able to keep this illusion. At worst, we have control wrenched completely away from us. This isn’t to say that we don’t take responsibility for our choices and accept what our choices shape our destiny. They absolutely do. But we don’t want to admit how much of our life isn’t left up to us. I am the most guilty of this. The older I get, the more I like routine. I like predictability. To have it taken completely away regarding one of the biggest things that a woman SHOULD have control over is devastating. It’s dizzying. The rules have been changed, the game board reversed, the neat orderly pattern the game should have taken is over. The new rules have taken over and for a long time I was just as angry over this chapter in my life as I was then.

I’ll never forget going to my mom and telling her about these new rules. The unfairness, how wrong it was. I expected her to march in there and tell him to straighten up, to play by the rules. Because that’s after all the fair thing to do, right? What she did surprised me. She said “You need to work this out yourself. Life isn’t always fair and life doesn’t always play by the rules.” At first, I was livid. After all, whose side are you on here, woman?! But then I thought about it and I started to get it. I had two choices.

I could play by the new rules. Or not play.

It was that simple. Was it fair that all of a sudden these new rules were suddenly in effect on this stupid game? Hell no, it wasn’t. Was it fair that this kid got to take my familiar, comforting game and suddenly turn it upside down? Nope again. So I started devoting my time to learning these new rules, to practicing by them. To quit focusing on the unfairness that I couldn’t change. (Non violently anyway. I wasn’t above throwing a mean right hook, even at the tender age of 8)

Instead of wallowing in a pit of despair over the challenges, I focused on rising up to meet them. It is still one of the most influential lessons I have ever learned and something I carry with me on this journey. The unfairness still gets to me. I’m only human. But like with any other injustice in life, all I can control is how I react to it. I can resent the new rules without letting them destroy me. I can rise up to meet them. I can play by the new rules and survive..and you can too.

[amyinthesky00]

‘Cause you are my one, and only You can wrap your fingers round my thumb And hold me tight You are my one, and only You can wrap your fingers round my thumb And hold me tight And you’ll be alright 'Cause you were just a small bump unborn For four months then torn from life Maybe you were needed up there But we’re still unaware as why

Lyrics - Ed Sheeran “Small Bump” (via that-ttc-wench)

[amyinthesky00]

Beginning.

This blog started as a private journal. My safe place. But I decided to make it available to others in the home that others out there will find comfort, humor, and solidarity in the midst of the hell that is infertility, which is what the majority of these writings will be about. I am in general a happy person. A fulfilled person. But there is a grieving process when going through infertility. (Blog to come about that a later date) Like in my headline, there are no guarantees. Only possibilities. Fair warning; I am terrible about opening up. I contain and compartmentalize to a disturbing degree. Im working on it, and this is the first step. Because while I might be awful about opening up about my issues, I am a decent writer and have a few people tell me I should share what I write instead of keeping it hidden too. Many of my blogs will not be shared with family. This may change later, but as of now I would like a place where I don’t have to worry about holding back. Infertility is not glamorous. It’s not pretty. My writing has always been an outlet and source of healing for me, and this is no exception. If you’re here on this journey, thanks for sticking by me.

#infertility #ttc #ttc over 25 #pregnancyloss

[amyinthesky00]

Potential Names for My Infertility Memoir...

Literally Bleeding from the Ovaries

Getting Pregnant in a Petri Dish

Is the Stork Lost?

TTC. IUI. IVF. FML.

Screw You Too, Clomid

The Art of Timed Intercourse

Crying Myself to Sleep and Other Concerns

That’s Ok, I Didn’t Like Money Anyway

I Don’t Need Therapy; YOU Need Therapy

When the Baby in the Baby Carriage Never Comes

Hormones Be Crazy

[amyinthesky00]

Assignment #1 for my spring semester Illustration Concepts course!

The prompt is basically to derive an illustration from a unique photocopy everyone received. I’ll post scans of mine + sketches later. 

This piece is basically a statement about miscarriage/infertility and bringing visibility to trauma that isn’t seen. 

MS5 + CS6

[amyinthesky00]

Fuck those “10 things you’ll never know until you have a baby” and the “you only know true love when you become a mother” posts. Such bullshit.

It is okay to not want to have children. It is okay to not be able to have children. It is okay to be a woman and not have a child.

You will still find out how powerful love is, how strong you can be as a person, how to grow as a person, and so much more. You are still an amazing person. Children or no children won’t change that.

[amyinthesky00]

That awkward moment when your first ultrasound is to look at all your ovarian cysts instead of at your baby, like you thought it would be.