amissa-anima-mea-blog

[amissa-anima-mea-blog]

I had to kill a lot of parts of myself to kill this sadness. I am sorry you turned out to be one.

kriti-g, To the people I let go (via wnq-writers)

[amissa-anima-mea-blog]

FOR THOSE WHO STRUGGLE WITH ANXIETY… ITS OKAY.

It is perfectly okay for you to walk away from a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable and it is perfectly okay to take a break and have as much time as you need to recollect yourself and your thoughts. Taking care of yourself and your anxiety whenever needed is okay because you do not need any sort of validation from others when you are in a struggling state of panic because it is okay to not be okay. Nobody knows you better than yourself, and you’re the only one who knows your breaking points. So don’t let anybody boss you around and say “just get through it” Because there’s going to be arrogant people in this world who just don’t get it, who don’t get the hardships of anxiety and how it cripples people’s lives. Your illness deserves to be taken seriously and you have every right to do what’s best for you and your mental health. Anxiety is known as the silent illness, but that doesn’t mean you have to suffer in silence. Just breathe and take a step back. You’ll be okay, because having anxiety is perfectly okay. (via ashleymacleanblog)

[amissa-anima-mea-blog]

My High School Years

In high school, I’d say is when I developed the majority of my coping habits. They were not good ones, all they did was kick the can down the road. The major one was suppressing my emotions and letting them bottle up inside of me until they once again could no longer be contained and burst out of me as sadness. The location and time where I would release my emotions was late at night in my bed between 11 PM and 12 AM because by that time my mother was asleep and my father wouldn’t be home yet. I would put on some music relatively low to muffle out the sounds of me crying. I would dig my head into my pillow and release the flood gates. I would cry for what felt like forever. During these emotional releases, I would question myself why I felt this way until I came up with the conclusion that it was related to the trauma I suffered as a child. Then my questioning became why me. I was brought up in a catholic home and taught to believe that if you place your faith in God he would protect you and not let any harm come to you. I remember questioning his existence and why the fuck did he choose me to suffer. What gave him the fucking right to say, “you, I choose you. I’m gonna fuck up your life by making you suffer through this.” Since that point, I have given up on my parent’s belief in a deity. But after crying I would always feel better and my emotional bucket was again on empty and I could fill it up once again. This became a ruthless cycle and every time that I had an episode it worsen. It got to the point that I wanted to take my own life to end my suffering. I remember talking about how at the age of 40, men are recommended to get a prostate exam to check for rectal cancer and thinking I don’t want to get one I’d rather die than let some grown old man put his finger up my ass. So, in this way I selected that at the age of 40 I was gonna take my own life. Over the rest of my high school career I refined the idea and thought it out so that when the day came no one would question my actions. You may be asking yourself why would a teenager set on taking his own life set his suicide date so far off. My reasoning for it is that within that time period I would find something worth living for, something to persuade me not to go through with it. I know it was because there was and still is a part of me that wants to live. Sees the beauty in life and how ending it short would just cause me to miss out on the beauty that I still have to witness.

 -3

 “Without realizing it, the individual composes his life according to the laws of beauty even in times of greatest distress.”

-Milan Kundera

 If you ever find yourself in that position please seek out help you are not alone. It is easier to fight this battle when you know you have those that care for you on your side. There are many great sources out there for anyone that finds themselves in this dark place.

 Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

#depression #suicide #choosetolive #newbeginnings #hope #my story