a-homiesexual-mentally-ill-boi

[a-homiesexual-mentally-ill-boi]

I’m so fucking tired and emotion I can barely even type I feel so weak goddamnit ghhgggsucg fuck bro hug I need hug and snuggles

[a-homiesexual-mentally-ill-boi]

You're always worth worrying over.

You're always worth being loved.

Stop saying you don't deserve positive things.

I care about you, okay? I love you.

[a-homiesexual-mentally-ill-boi]

I’m so fucking tired I can’t function but I still have to do work and I jdjdhysyf so many things all at once I just fucking can’t aghhhhghgyryehshGgAGWGEGGWHWHWHHWWHYSYYDYD

[a-homiesexual-mentally-ill-boi]

I’m seeing him at school tmr, I want to rant to her. I want to have them come over. I want to watch red white and royal blue with the . I wanna snuggle with them. I wanna have a sleepover at their house and try on her dresses and make fun outfits. I want to grapple and see who taps out first. I want them to hug me. I want to…. I wanna fucking cry on their shoulder. I want them to press me against the wall and hug me so tightly my bones feel like they are being pressed into each other. I want to melt into their arms. I want them to kiss my forehead. I want to be their bestfriend again. I wanna be in a QPR with them. I want to go on platonic dates and go hiking together. I want to work so hard in the gym with them and then collapse into their arms because I overworked myself. I want to head butt their shoulder. I want to snuggle with them. I want them to do a makeover on me. I want the dynamic again. I miss him. I love him so fucking much. She’s fucking amazing. I want to dance with them. I…. Want them to be happy.

[a-homiesexual-mentally-ill-boi]

I am so fucking glad no one has interacted. I half want to make this a private account… but…. That makes it sure no one sees it. Even if I am just talking into the void, I want the CHANCE of someone seeing it without someone actually seeing it, so it feels like I’m actually doing SOMETHING.

[a-homiesexual-mentally-ill-boi]

I hate myself. It was my friends birthday and the amount of times I nearly broke down. Also…. I spent a lot of the time basically just doting on person I love way too much platonically. I…. Jahrhundert… he hugged me. I… I love both of my friends so much. In different ways and one of them is closer than the other… but… we just all were under a blanket and watched pirates of the Caribbean and I love them both. But….. I have a different kind of friendship with one of them. Like… I don’t know. But with that one…. I can still feel their shoulder against mine and when she hugged me icuejsshfr. I’m like worried I like them romantically. But I really don’t think so. But it’s intense enough that according to society it might as well be romantic. Like, all the signs. But…. I don’t feel comfortable with that. I don’t think I’d want to be in a romantic relationship. I want to be their best friend. I want to be in a QPR w/ them. I want relationship anarchy. I want pet names and I want to do date like activities with them…. But like… platonically. Sex is NO OUT OF THE QUESTION EW EW EW EE EW in fact I’m pretty sure I’m asexual. I. I. They make me melt. Into a puddle. On the floor. But…. It’s also not always like that. I also get jealous really easily and have huge anxiety problems. And we don’t usually hang out in person. This is a special occasion thing. But…. I don’t think I can handle that. But…. FUCK. FUCK RUXK FUCK. I’m sorry. Just. Dude if you are reading this, and I’m talking about you, talk with me, right now. Right now. Right fuckinf now. Or at least give some sort of indication you’ve seen this. I hope to FUXKING god you haven’t but if you have…. text me, luv

[a-homiesexual-mentally-ill-boi]

the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through. the only way out is through.

[a-homiesexual-mentally-ill-boi]

I cant get them out of my head and I jdurufusjejrmgmxzs

[a-homiesexual-mentally-ill-boi]

NO MEANS FUCJING NO! I HAVE SENSORY PROBLEMS QND MY EX BF USED TO TICKLE ME AND I KEPT TELLING HIM TO STOP AND KEPT INSISTING I LEGITAMTELY DIDNT ESNT TO AND HE DIDNT WND AS AN AUTIDTIC PERSON IT WAS FUCKING SENSORY HELL WND HE WOULD JUST CONSTANRLY SND WITHOUT WARNING TICKLE ME AND THERE WASNT A SINGLE FUCKING THING I COULD DO TO STOP HIM BUT BYYPHYSICALL PUSH HIM AWAY BUT THEN HE GUILT TRIPPED ME ACDOEI*HDSR I WANNA FUCKING DIE AND HE STILL THINKS HE DID NOTHING WRONG EVEN THO HE KNEW NOTHING OF CONSENT AND COMPLETELY IGNORED ALL MY NEEDS AND I STILL FUCKING SOMETIMES THINK I WAS IN THE WRONG AND I WAS BEING OVER SENSITIVE AND I WOULDNT LET ANYTHING SLIDR EVN SITH THE DECUAK HARASSMENT AND THE TICKLING AND THEHRHVHYYEG

[a-homiesexual-mentally-ill-boi]

I wish i didn’t have empathy. I have the opportunity to do so much. I spend most nights so alone. I want someone to talk to. I want a romantic partner. And I COULD JUST GET ONE. EASILY. LITERALLY BY TMR. but I can’t use someone’s true emotions to cure my loneliness. I have to account for others feelings because if I don’t I will be worthless and a selfish dick. I have too…. Never fucking mind

[a-homiesexual-mentally-ill-boi]

As palpatine once said:

“Ironic…”

Yes. Have YOU considered that sometimes working on hard things is both necessary and worthwhile?

[a-homiesexual-mentally-ill-boi]

Ok so I have to rant about this somewhere: so one of my friends, not you, the one who ends with cik. She was having a “bad day” and I was trying to be a good friend and took her to the guidance counselors office and stayed with her the entire fucking lunch and was late for my next class. Because…. She didn’t eat breakfast that morning. I was like fucking suicidal that day and well ofc I rode it out cause tf else would I do. In the guidance counselors room, we sat down, and I was trying to comfort her. Like I was her therapist. And the guidance counselor wasn’t there so like I was her only source of comfort, except… the therapy dog was there. And she kept trying to get its ATTENTJON but it would not budge from me. Would not, the dog just kept their eyes intensely focused in my anf tried to sniff me and everything.

“Aren’t dogs supposed to be able to sense when you are feeling bad”

Yes. Yes they are. And I wonder why the dog were gravitating towards me instead of the person who didn’t have breakfast. Yes I know it was probably and under,ting problem but COME ON. I JUST. I REPEATEDLY TOLD HER I WAS NIT STABLE ENOUGH FOR THIS AND YET SHE KEPT BEGGING ME. SHE WAS FUCKING GUILTING ME INTO PROVIDING HELP I SHOHDKNT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR AND I DONT HAVE THR TRAINING TO GIVE. ARGH. I feel like an asshole after this rant but I needed to get that out

[a-homiesexual-mentally-ill-boi]

I need help i CSNT I can’t I can’t I can’t i CSNT I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t i CSNT ITD not anyone’s fault but my own it’s all me it’s my fault fuck FUCKONG e fhfhdhsuuef

[a-homiesexual-mentally-ill-boi]

Empathy is fucking EXHAUSTING. I just want to be selfish rn. I want to throw a tantrum because someone didn’t fit my needs. I want to get angry and punch someone in the face. I never allowed myself the truly stupid moments. If I lose control for even a fucking second I’ll hurt someone and I can’t deal with that. But I can’t just. My entire life is about other people. Except for the fact that I’m just sitting on my ass doing basically nothing a lot of the time. But… FUCKING HELL. JUST LIKE. I SPEND SO MUCH TIME AND ENERGY TRYING TO JUST BE A FUNCTIONING HUMAN BEING AND THEN THERE IS JUST SO MANY PEOPLE WHO CAN JUST FUNCTION STRAIGHT UP. THERE ARE SO MANY PEIPLE THAY CAN JUST FUCK UP ROALLY AND DO THE MOST STUPID INSENSITIVE SELFISH SHIT AND THEN NOT FUCKING CARE. AND THEN I FUCK UP AND…. This is why one of my friends is so amazing. I can Fuck up and…. Not be judged. I can Fuck up and I don’t have to be perfect and it will be fine. This entire thing is probably a fuck up. People keep telling me that I’m putting in too much energy into just focusing on the things blocking my path instead of focusing on getting past them but I don’t understand why I need to get past them I don’t know who to trust. Everything is a shade of grey and I’ve worked so hard to understand that, and I just do so well in some categories and then in others I fail miserably. No matter how much I try to fucking force my way into the triangle hole, I’m a fucking circle. And it’s like people keep telling me I just need to go through the hole and then my parents just say I need to keep banging myself against the wall trying to fit into the triangle in the hopes that I can break through. It feels so fuckign futile Anddd I just need a hug and snuggles. I need to watch Brooklyn nine nine and snuggle with my friend. I’m being fucking selfish yes I know I shouldn’t be saying this but yes you. I hope you don’t see this in fact I hope no one sees this but…. I need to snuggle with le dancer book nerd.

[a-homiesexual-mentally-ill-boi]

I need routine and structure and reliability and I have none of that. Everything in my life is changing too often and I’m NEVER in my comfort zone anymore and I keep getting pushed farther and farther outside my comfort zone I also legit was thinking and thinking and felt the weight of my thoughts and felt a little crack. I don’t know how to describe it other than that. I both feel like a dangerous piece of shit that no one should ever interact with because I’ll hurt and break them and a tiny child who just needs a fucking hug and some tea. Is the entire world on fire and we are all gonna die or do I just need to take a shower?

SPOILER ALERT: ITS FUCKING BOTH.

god I need to drink some water. And eat. I should eat. Water first. Water. Water. Water. Water water water trick tick tick tick tick tocking the clock keeps tick tick tocking In my fucking head and i need to Grab a glass of water, do 20 jumping jacks, and reset.

#gay #autism #im not okay #I’m not mentally stable #I wanna hug #depresión #anxiety