zineforfreeminds2016-blog - Tumblr blog

zineforfreeminds2016-blog · 7 years

Text

This is where I’m at :

This is where I’m at:

I want to make some big changes. I’m at the cusp of many things... staring down... what stops me?

Two major goals of my life are 1) To not let fear control my existence (not to eradicate fear completely... I don’t know if that’s either a reachable goal or a desirable one.. but I want to be able to identify fear that arises...in any of its forms, see it for what it is, and not let it control and guide me. In fact, the opposite, if I see it, rather than flinching back, learn to lean in towards it. I could write more about this, but I already have a tendency to digress, so...) 2) To live in alignment of my values... so that my words, thoughts, actions, intentions all are in alignment and not in contradiction, as best as possible. I catch myself in this quite a bit recently... spouting off thoughts and opinions about things, and yet living in such a way that is utterly and often hilariously hypocritical.

I want to leave Facebook and Social Media. I want to become a minimalist (more than I am now). I want to stop wasting time and energy on bullshit garbage... on glowing screens that numb and pacify me and suck out my soul in many ways. I want to feel what it takes to grow my own food. I started crocheting, and its changed my outlook on life.. it’s changed my Eye... of how I perceive the world//not only do I take notice to knit/crochet patterns in a way that I was once blind to (the way we see “trees” collectively, but if we were to know their names and their details, a forest becomes full of personality rather than monotony). I love changing my perception in this way. I love people who are able to change my perception of the world. I think of all the things I am blind to.... I wonder about them all the time. I also understand the hard work and mastery and craftsmanship that goes into the creation of even the most mundane piece of textile that I create. How can one be wasteful when they understand this ? And I don’t just mean from the head... to “get it”, to “rationalize it”... but when it sinks deep into your heart and effects you to your core as well... I’ve read some texts that distinguish this phenomenon with term “to understand” versus “to realize”... “to realize” being the more visceral one of the two. In any case, we don’t have a fitting term for this in English yet I feel like.

I want to continue this path.. to be more engaged in creation. I think with this abundance of material and choice I’ve become less creative... I’ve become more lazy and simultaneously more overwhelmed with choice. I think having boundaries FORCES you into creativity. For example, without Netflix and Social Media, what would one do to fill their time? How would they deal with “boredom”? Of course I paint a very black/white picture... there are folks who have utilized these tools in very productive and innovative ways... but for me, I am not aided by them. They bring me down more than anything. I wish to use technology as a tool to connect me deeper to place and the “things I am passionate about”.

I’d like to grow my own food... if even a little bit. I think the process of care-taking the food that I eat would again, deepen my perspective.. I would respect food more... in a plethora of ways. I think it would teach me about patience and responsibility in a way that I am currently (almost completely) out of touch with.

I would like to live trash/almost trash free. I think its doable. It is just “inconvenient” in some ways perhaps. It would take effort and awareness and some mental hardiness. It would also be socially difficult to do...

What stops me from this? What stops me from disengaging from these things? From the consumerist lifestyle that I speak out against?

What do I feel is worth pursuing? What is “worth my time and energy”? whoamIhelping?whatamibreaking?whatamigiving?whatamItaking?

Music needs a revolution. TBC. I don’t know what that means. but that thought comes in my mind over and over and over. I find myself Uninspired. Lacking Hope. Overwhelmed. Anxious. Bored. Numb. Overstimulated. And on.. and on... all mixed in one.

I was telling my friend about thinking that I need an internet presence. She was questioning me and somewhat playing devil’s advocate. It was good. I started pondering where did I get this “idea” from??? I know I feel pressure... socially... i’ve been told in many ways that I “need” to have an online presence to get anywhere. That I’m “not with the times” and what have you.... I don’t know what I think....

Venues for music are not a “thing” anymore... unless its like.. coachella or some garbage (my opinion) festival. David Byrne write about the importance of Space in musical creation. Having an internet presence now eliminates the need for “space”... space is ephemeral.. transcendent so-to-speak..... We listen to music “personally”... in our headphones.. in our little planet.. our universe... more than anything else...

I think about the song “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised”... then I wonder.. in our generation.. will it? Or if not... it damn well will be #instagrammed right?

what to do what to do? I am known as a hermit by my close friends. I’m irritatingly hard to reach. I feel over saturated by social media. I do. I don’t like being reached at any moment and feeling obligated to respond. I am roped into it though because of my hermit-ness... people feel connected to me still on some level and I to them... if even merely psychologically. I guess, nowadays, when there is a will there is a way (in terms of contacting people). I have been in many different countries and it is a central form of how I am connected to some people.... fear.. its fear that keeps me here. Fear of losing connection. Fear of “missing out”... Fear of “making the wrong move”. You can’t be afraid in this world, right? I am always an advocate for balance. But self-control is something that I lack. I don’t feel balance in this realm. For me, extremes are necessary... external extremes.. As in.. I can’t just have “one slice of cake” and save the rest in the fridge... i’ll eat the whole thing through the day. No self control. Just how it is. Perhaps a skill I didn’t learn to practice enough.. a bit of a biological predisposition.. who knows? Point is.. I used to try to force myself to be something that I “envisioned” that I “wanted to be”/// now, rather than trying to force myself to fit whatever distortion I have in my head, i work WITH myself.. I “know” myself, and accept certain qualities and find ways around them.

YEOW okay, I think I’m out now.. going to work on some “things I need to do” (haha). This has been me just reasoning and thinking out loud some of the things that have been in my head. I want to make some BIG changes... Big, seemingly BRASH changes (seemingly, because I actually think about making them a lot a lot a lot and have for a long time.. but I’ve never been able to take the leap for whatever reason...).

I may “think out loud” some more as I process this.... I’m trying to be very very very minimal in my living. I need it, fortunately or unfortunately... my way of thinking... scattered adhd-type mind.. I do the best with limits.

This website has really inspired me for many years:

http://www.theminimalists.com

OK! Enough verbal diarrhea from me today. Over and out.

-OG

2 notes · View notes

zineforfreeminds2016-blog · 7 years

Text

but Life Goes On just the same...

Song of the day (for me, Olga G - to reflect my mood on this very rainy California winter day).

Music that inspires.

Big Mama Thorton - Life Goes On

http://youtu.be/r9-xO0Db-3I

-OG

#musicthatinspires #big mama thornton #women musicians

1 note · View note

zineforfreeminds2016-blog · 7 years

Link

5 notes · View notes

zineforfreeminds2016-blog · 7 years

Text

I’m Down With Myself

I’m down with myself is a phrase that may piss off some people who don’t understand it. When I think of it, the first question that comes to mind is: What if myself is wrong or immoral, if so, should I still dig that part of me? It’s a fair question. I think a lot about how ‘the self’ can be a thinking, acting, living human being, taken from readings on the self and ego by psychologists. From my reading I’ve concluded that my actions represent my inner thoughts, experiences, etc., and that if I’m only down with the negative parts of myself, or reacting in a negative way to stimuli, then I’m not really helping to develop myself into a conscientious and intentional human being. On the contrary, wrestling with negative thoughts is the foundation for change. How can you change, if you don’t think anything is wrong? What examples do I have to become a better person, but the experiences and examples I’ve laid for myself? In addition, I believe that my actions-all of them, those small and big- are influenced by society, i.e. friends, family, etc., and that I have a role in controlling my own actions.

I have 2 different ideas: 1) If I am only partly in control of my actions, then who the hell am I? I’m so disconnected from the truth, my feelings, and life that I let some mysterious force, perhaps God or luck, influence me. I’m a weak person and I’ll never be happy because I can never control who I am. 2) I’m in control of what I enable myself to control. The options, borders, and decisions are already outlined in life--I know exactly where each decision will take me. So why am I worried about the rest of the world? I should only focus on myself.

One of my favorite bands, The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, once said, “An ignorant mind, there’s no area’s grey”. And one of my teachers once said to me, “Forgiveness begins with the self”. I’m not so sure how these things compare but they seemed like important bits of knowledge to me.

One thing that I’ve been thinking about is this: If I never give myself time to heal, recover, then I’ll never recovery. Sometimes, I feel weak though. Like, If I was strong I wouldn’t need to recover, that recovery is for addicts and insecure children, that I was supposed to learn this a long time ago. Maybe I was. But being down with yourself, to me, means listening to an inner voice, hearing the warning, troubles, fears, desires, hopes and dreams in your heart, choosing not to ignore them. This is probably more a state of mind to me. I see being down with myself as a necessary part of progress that begins with reflecting and acknowledging my life. Although, I’ve done things, and I’ve been through things, that I would like to ignore, I can’t help thinking that the only person that will ever be able to forgive myself, or live with it all, is me.

Now the question is how do I want to live? I want to be making progress. I want to feel and know that through forgiveness I can achieve my greatest dreams. It’s sad when I don’t feel this way and I believe too many obstacles are in my way to succeed. But the times when I realize my self attitudes and behaviors is when I’ve got to listen and learn from myself, but unfortunately, this usually occurs when I’m the saddest. But I don’t think I have to be sad to have a purpose. I’ve watched and seen others who are sad and frustrated as they fight courageously for their lives and for others. I know I and others have experienced pain, but it amazes me when people can put aside their differences and work with each other. It’s a basic human skill, to me, one which I don’t recognize in myself all the time.

But maybe the key now is to see when my assets as insights into myself that can help me to turn my life around. Maybe finding insight into myself depends on the perspectives that I gain in life and the benefits or negative impacts that arise from them. I think I have been realizing this, but I’ve stopped myself from thinking too much before I act, because when I feel pain all I want to do is relieve it for a short while. But if this is the case, then I end up feeling more pain and I don’t feel like I’ve made progress. In order to make progress, I’ve got to know that others will affect me, but that ultimately, I can be how I am without causing myself harm or others harm. When I’ve defined myself in contrast to that harm though, sometimes it is difficult to know how to be or what to be. This is why I must listen to my insights, know the ledge, and choose to walk alongside of it, with full awareness of my journey. I may not achieve everything in life that I hope for, but for now, my goal is to be aware of those hopes, those dreams, and to not let myself drift away from my awareness, because awareness and knowledge are the keys to changing the way that I think.

It’s like a ex-dope addict, or anyone who has kicked a habit. They remember the highs and the lows and it all weighs on them when they think “I’m better off without it”, and they choose to quit and free themselves from addiction. It’s this decision--this conscious choice that brings insight, happiness and contentment within me--that I’m hoping to strive for as I live. I pray to myself and God that some day soon I’ll break these bad habits.

1 note · View note

zineforfreeminds2016-blog · 8 years

Text

Hi guys! I’m struggling with everything again. Life is so frazy as a young, black, 24 year old male, who self identifies as a weed head. Damn, I mean I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. It just feels like I’m going through somethings that you aint, and you’re probably thinking that you’re going through things that I can’t, but isn’t that why we nee empathy? Struggling with depression, grief, and low self-esteem is real, and the one thing that brings me out of it is people, everything about them, the way they listen, talk, love, take time, individualize their day, socialize, etc., I’m just a people’s person. I don’t understand how you can’t be? I love watching, learning from, and even adulting or participating in society. Okay, I know this sounds a wicked weird, but the point I’m trying to make is that somehow whenever I wake up and see the world, I see people who make and break this world everyday, and part of that is inspiring to me, the part where people grow, learn, and develop as time goes by. See, I don’t really think that coping with depression means that you never get depression. On the contrary, coping to me means that you learn to let go of somethings--which depends on your feelings, thoughts, and experiences--and you learn to keep things in your life--which also depends on your experiences. So what do you learn to keep an what do you throw away? Good question. Since this is uncharted, for me, I’ll jump right in. What I learn to keep is awareness of people’s lives, experiences, and influences. Shit, I’ve wasted too much time thinking about what’s right for me, what’s right for others, and how do I make the world a better place, someone just stop me and say ‘you’re the motivation to make the world a better place’, no pressure tho. What I’ve learned to let go is those mistakes, those filthy-bull-headed-mistakes, that If I keep blaming myself for, I swear I’ll never move on, and this self identified weed head won’t ever blossom. Does that scare you? Well it should because no amount of blame, shame, fronting, or resting on your laurels, i.e. the fact that you’ve never done wrong, is gonna save you from yourself. See this is what I learned from my Dad. Just in case you missed it. Here’s a list of things that save me from myself:

Writing, Personal Reflection, Spirited Conversations that Push my Comfort Zone, Responsible Listening.

Were you looking for a list of specifics? I was. But what I found was that generalizations better describe my life. Shit, I’m not perfect, far from it as I’m sure you’ve seen in this essay. But you do I have to be perfect for, you or myself? and who am I? I hope I’m more than a persona, I hope to be a real influence, and real doer, and real thinker, and real guy. But when does that happen? I feel like I owe it to myself to find out. I feel like the energy in my words, thoughts, and feelings has to find it’s place in the world, somewhere between all the things I let go and all the things I kept. I feel like the real me is there everyday I wake up, and so is the ego, but the real me wins every time because the real me is a fighter just like the ego, the real me hears the ego and carries on like Batman, knowing that those things that save me from myself are somehow more important than the rest. Shit, I might be TRIPPING, but I’m gonna be the first to write my autobiography.

It begins in a place where darkness surrounds this little boy. He is suddenly forced out of the dark by energy, then he comes to see others around him--kinda like Plato’s cave--but what he see’s isn’t ignorance, it’s the world in full view. He doesn’t see an outside world, he see’s one world--one love. And he is awed, overwhelmed, but what he doesn’t know, hasn’t felt, his skin is numb from the transition, but don’t feel bad for this boy. He’s merely living the American dream or experience. He is using and losing all at the same time, Rhyming an Shining, he is ringing an singing. Then this boy goes to school, where he meets and talks to the other. At this point, boy feels at home and isolated, how is that possible? Because boy hasn’t let go of somethings and hasn’t kept somethings, he feels the conflict of interest. Boy is smarter than boy when he’s not thinking, or writing, boy is supposed to be a role model, but boy hates to model. Where is boy now? He is somewhere, in the sea, in the ocean, in the rock, in the fantasy, looking for the right way to spell or the write way to spell. Boy lost himself, and only found himself in his own feelings, everything else--job,family, friends-- was just a road to himself, but himself is the reflexive form, that which stands as himself. Boy learned about individualism vs socialism, and boy felt there should be no hierarchy, only both exist together. Boy said that “you need individualism to learn about yourself” and that “you need socialism to learn about society” . Boy tries to be clear, still lost in translation. Boy wasn’t a writer he was a self made man and a self destructive man too. Boy wasn’t a poet, he was a ember as bright as amber from the fire, boy was best sold by 10/8/16--after the election, boy revived himself (that individual within him) to live again. Boy liked to pronounce things like bo, bou, bee, and boy probably belonged back in school with his dream--seeing what all this teaching English mess was about”.

But right now, boy was washed up on shore. He’d seen the light house and the shore from the boat, before the crash, now he could feel the sand and sun. Boy was sure where he was, but he knew he wasn’t lost anymore. He was right on time.

0 notes