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2024 Liste

-Ehrlich sein

-nicht immer alles sofort wollen aka Patience

-schöne weite Welt

-Kunst Kunst Kunst

-Therapie Therapie Therapie

-Trying to be okay with aging

-YOGA TEACHER PLEASE

-meeting people and places that are meant to be

-Getting surprised by life

-FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#fäden

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until this day

until this day my body physically reacts to dusty rooms with broken glass windows. Places that lived before and dont anymore.

and it is still scary. everything.

its been a year now.

Since i decided to go down the path by myself and split up with my companion. funny how decisions that are made in seconds can alter your life in such a profound way.

i dont blame myself anymore. but i still think about at least 3 times during this path in which my gut told me to not keep going. but i kept ignoring.

the lesson is to listen to your gut.

and that i dont have to prove myself how strong i am.

i know that,

ive probably always known.

#fäden

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cuckoo cuckoo, somethings knocking on your door

do you know that bird that keeps knocking on wood relentlessly? of course you do. cuckoo cuckoo.

i have one of these birds.

he keeps knocking on my door from time to time. and just when i think its over and silence is an instant- he keeps knocking again.

like that thing on your tongue when you cant find that word. like the song that keeps replaying in your head. its a feeling of familiarity and persistence that it gets almost annoying.

what am i talking about. IT IS FCKING ANNOYING.

at the same time its incredibly soothing, because its something i got used to so much, that i found comfort in it.

its a strange thing, that bird.

and so far im not quite aware what its mission is.

its like gum. you cant quite get it off.

#fäden

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that funny feeling

of getting older.

working in a place in which age is as normal as breathing.

in which everyone is trying to stay on their way to the end.

i am not an anxious person. never have been. i climbed into a car in the middle of the night right into the arms of a stranger. i flew to the other side of the world at the ripe age of 19. i dealt with a psychotic parent, and one that coulnt drink enough to drown their sadness. i packed clothes and a bunch of canned food to wait for strangers to drive me to a festival at sun down; just to climb over fences to sleep in a strangers tent. the stranger turned into my short time friend. that one kind of encounter you have in that weird phase of your life. anyways. i never said i was reasonable. i just wasnt afraid.

what did change in between?

#fäden

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Angela Lane aka Subterranean Thunder (British, b. 1974, England, based Berlin, Germany) - Phenomenon #51, 2021, Paintings: Oil on Birch Plywood

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i reached the maximum of tabs.

Und doch erinnere ich mich an meine herablassende Art als ich F darauf hinwies, dass ich das selbst nie könnte. Was ist im Zwischenraum passiert? a lot of time for sure- oder doch nicht.

Zitternde Finger und kratzende Stimme, rasendes Herz und die Einsicht, dass ich eine gute Schauspielerin bin. Oder doch nicht? Die Fassade bröckelt und ich brauche eine Pause. Oder doch drei? In allen guten Dramen gibt es mehrere Pausen zwischen den Akten.

Naja ich habe im Prinzip alles. Alles außer die Pause zwischen den Nervenenden.

Aber in jedem guten Stück gibts den Tiefpunkt, meistens vor der Pause. Also heißt das es kann nur besser werden.

Hausaufgabe: Tabs schließen und Favoriten abspeichern

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Sometimes i do too many things and i end up doing nothing

Sometimes i do too many things and i feel like i drown. I end up doing nothing and feeling burnt out because i try to make it all happen. i dont know where that comes from. Thats the first lie. My Mom is just like me, I am just like my mom. Always trying to make everything happen but end up frustrated because i can't. I simply can't. Salo you will never ever make everyone happy. That's out of your control.

Sometimes i wonder what i do wrong. Because it all goes so good except that it doesn't feel like it. Why does it feel so different?

I didn't write for a while? Why? I don't know. That's the second lie.

I do know. Because i was fucking depressed for the past 2 years of my life. And not only depressed to take out the fun of that last statement. I was severely depressed and i don't even know why i write that in the past tense. Third lie. I am lying. I know why. I still am. I tell myself so many things throughout the day and i wonder how many times i lie to myself without catching myself doing it. It's a wonderful thing to be self aware but also being too obnoxious to even catch yourself lying to yourself.

I liked that board game loopie louie back in the day. I feel like looping a lot nowadays. I shouldn't because i am 25. I am an adult now. I start getting wrinkles and my brain will be fully developed in a few months. I wonder if the important things will be updated by then. what was i talking about? Oh yes. I lie a lot.

I wonder why and when. Because lying is so much more comfortable then the weight of the truth. it sucks sometimes to be conscious.

Sometimes i do too many things and end up doing nothing. Burnout. I feel like i burnt out all the connections that once have been there. Maybe i didn't write because of that. I love writing. i always loved it. Especially on here, where i feel like i could almost write anything, publish it but no one would read it. It is the sweetest thing to be the only observer even though it is accessible to the whole world, only if they knew. And this is what it's all about. Knowing.

I loved to take photos. i loved to sketch. i loved to write. i loved to combine the wildest pieces of clothing only for the sake of expression- not for beauty.

I loved to do all these things and i wonder why it feels like i am not that person anymore. i feel like i am someone else that just lives theses memories inside their head.

Am i really changing into someone new or am i just dissolving into nothing.

It feels like both.

oh sweet identity.

it is the 24th of november 2023 and it is yet another end of a year that went by way too fast.

Maybe this is just the price of change.

#fäden

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How it is to be the sidecharacter

the following post is a text i´ve just found in my drafts. I apparently wrote it when i was 23, so that was 2 years ago. Crazy. It`s just as raw and pure as it contains a good amount of spelling mistakes. My brain and fingers work too fast and i don`t care enough to correct it, even though i know where i did mistakes. Whatever I`m losing myself here, i just wanted to post this sweet treasure of a draft. I wonder why i never published it. Time to change that now.

Love can be like a drug. Like a really strong one. probably the strongest one there is on earth, worst case deadly too. i realized love and hate are more related than it seems in the beginning. first it sucks u up completely your consuming, find yourself in the state of ecstasy. but as every good drug we know that the effects dont last forever. you will sober up and realize the aftermaths very soon. I loved a lot the last 1 1/2 years, heck yeah i loved a lot in my entire life-. I am a real loving person. i love love. its pure, its endless, its as undescribable as intangible. You get lost in it, you swim in the sweet waters of love as long as your breath doesnt get short and your arms get sore, as long as you just float and go with the flow everything is fine. but there must be an interruption because nothing lasts forever- not even existence itself.  so we just wait for the next turning point, we know there will be one-.

Maybe im just in my cynic tumblr blogger mood again but if tumblr is good for one thing, than its that i can write whatever i want , not having the feeling i get watched by people i know or i care about.

so how it is being a sidecharcter you ask yourself as you read that catchy title? I know it has a taste of self pity but give me that moment.

I’m 23. Im bad at staying focused. i am good at loving people. i am bad at keeping things organized. i am good at listening. i am bad at taking care of myself sometimes. i am good at giving advice to other people. I am bad at fulfilling expectations. I am good at forgiving.

im sick of being the one whos just here to therapy people. Im not perfect myself, need a lot to learn still. i dont want to sound like that but it must be said.

im sick of playing the motherrole, being responsible, taking things in my own hand and doing things for other people- especially for my partners. i dont want to carry them on my hands until im on the ground with no energy left for myself to walk. sick of it. done with it. im sick of doubting myself. im great. im good. i deserve the same love that i give. i deserved to be carried for a while.

Where is my selflove? i mean im a little responsible for it too, i rather take care of other people than myself.

nobody likes you when youre 23. I guess there i have it. except that nobody is just me.

But 2022 is the year of the tiger and the year i turn 24-my lucky number.

i would say thats enough for me said that it will be a good year. doesnt say that the actual year is crap, but maybe a year full of lessons. as every damn one. the fuck im even talking i really dont know anymore.

#fäden

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1. bin noch dabei aber kurz vor Durchbruch bzw. ankommen

2. did that ——— sooo good

3. issa Flow typa thing

4. Ja

5. Ja

6. Ja

7. noch ein bisschen mehr love aber we love the progress

8. yeees

9. word.

10. couldn’t be better

11. immerzu

12. next year

13. Aaaaaaaaaah

14. somewhere in a japanese forest in bittercold February

15. love my progress

16. neverending lovestory of coming home

17. always

2022 Liste

1. Auf die Suche gehen und fündig werden

2. Alone time | alone traveling

3. Money for traveling

4. Gesundheit Check

5. Entlastung für P

6. Glück für M

7. Happiness für S

8. Success für M

9. Purpose for me

10. Kunst

11. Wachsen

12. Windsurfen

13. Ozean

14. Volunteering

15. Acceptance

16. Natur

17. Healing

#fäden

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2023

October

1. ehrlich sein

2. Herz Angelegenheiten

3. Mut

4. durchziehen!

5. forgiveness

6. playfulness

7. lots of music

8. trust

9. balance

10. self

#fäden

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2022 Liste

1. Auf die Suche gehen und fündig werden

2. Alone time | alone traveling

3. Money for traveling

4. Gesundheit Check

5. Entlastung für P

6. Glück für M

7. Happiness für S

8. Success für M

9. Purpose for me

10. Kunst

11. Wachsen

12. Windsurfen

13. Ozean

14. Volunteering

15. Acceptance

16. Natur

17. Healing

#Fäden

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1. Bachelor smooth schaffen

Ja mehr oder weniger smooth

2. Selfcare: | mentally | physically

working on it

3. Ab gehts los gehts in die Weite / Abhauen mit dir

bald

4. Minimalist werden- Sachen verscherbeln

bin dabei

5. Digital Detox

gestern alles gelöscht

6. Online Portfolio / Website

hmm..

7. Spraypaint

gemacht und schlecht geworden

8. Mindfulness

yes finally something

9. Barfuß laufen lernen

fühlt sich gut an

10. Immunsystem boosten mit Wim Hof

ich bestell das Buch für M zu seinem Geburtstag

11. Rausfinden was ich will (haha)

puh ist glaub ein langer Weg, aber step by step

12. Liebe tragen

weiß nicht

13. Yoga / Meditation

Makes me a better person

14. Tanzen im öffentlichen Raum :(((

did it.. actually not enjoying it that much anymore..or my taste of music changed

15. Gegenwart leben

mindfulness hilft

16. Strand und Kokoswasser

baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaald

17. Business Familia

läuft grad echt ganz gut

18. GESUNDHEIT

life task

19. Einen Punkt finden..

hab ich tatsächlich

20. Ade sagen

bald

21. Love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love

i know that THAT is the answer

2021 Liste

1. Bachelor smooth schaffen

2. Selfcare: | mentally | physically

3. Ab gehts los gehts in die Weite / Abhauen mit dir

4. Minimalist werden- Sachen verscherbeln

5. Digital Detox

6. Online Portfolio / Website

7. Spraypaint

8. Mindfulness

9. Barfuß laufen lernen

10. Immunsystem boosten mit Wim Hof

11. Rausfinden was ich will (haha)

12. Liebe tragen

13. Yoga / Meditation

14. Tanzen im öffentlichen Raum :(((

15. Gegenwart leben

16. Strand und Kokoswasser

17. Business Familia

18. GESUNDHEIT

19. Einen Punkt finden..

20. Ade sagen

21. Love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love

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Altpapier

mein Kopf tut weh

und auch die erste Hälfte des Jahres,

hatte ich mir anders vorgestellt

aber vielleicht muss es ein Tief geben so dass es in die Höhe schallen kann.

Hoffnung stirbt zuletzt.

und drei Monate fühlen sich ewig lange an obwohl sich die letzten 6 wie 6 Minuten anfühlten.

Über Schnee fielen Wörter der Generationen und über die EInsicht kommt die Klarheit.

ich frag mich ob das nun echt ein Tiefpunkt ist, in der Linie.

und ich frag mich ob ich denn dagegen was tun sollte, aber nichts tun und flowen lassen ist ja auch schon etwas.

manchmal ist warten besser als sich in den ABgrund zu werfen vor Übereifer.

Aber manchmal ist warten und zusehen wie der Apfel verdirbt nur ein Herauszögern der Tatsachen.

Ach ich weiß auch nicht.

Ich hab noch gar keine Liste für dieses Jahr gemacht.

vielleicht wärs mal Zeit. Ich hoff immer noch auf den Anlauf in die Tiefe der zum Absprung hilft. Aber vielleicht ist es auch nur ein kurzer Höhenflug der in Wirklichkeit fallen ist.

Mein Kopf tut weh.

Aber eigentlich ist doch alles immer gut gegangen.

Vertrauen hilft

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Reise zum Ende der Welt

Oder auch nur bis zum Ende des Verstehens. Eine wahre Begebenheit die eine magische Note hat. Vielleicht weil mein Ich sowieso höher ist und ich nur Vertrauen muss- 

ich bin also das Ultimatum und das Mysterium. Nicht nur das Jahr des Tigers, sondern auch das Jahr der magischen Zahl, die ich mir vor etwa 4 Jahren in die Haut permanent imprägnierte. Jahre sind seltsam- denn plötzlich habe ich mich in einem Strudel aus bunter Farben und Formen an eine vergrabene Tatsache erinnert. Ein seltsames Spiel, dass mich wohl an etwas göttliches erinnerte- die Realität einer Realität.  Ich bewege also das Männchen und versuche Brücken zu bauen mit dem mir gegebenen Material. Brücken zum Tor- ein Ziel das bei jedem Tod dasselbe bleibt. 

“because there are so many” 

komische Realisationen die von Menschheitsgeschichte bis hin zum Individuum reichen- und ich, die sich fragt, ob sie nicht langsam verrückt wird oder doch nur anfängt Dinge klar zu sehen.

“every time you die, you kill a life” 

Metaphern des Lebens

Adam und Eva, der Teufel und die Schönheit der Platonik 

 Reisen zu sich selbst sind spannend und symbolhaltig 

Auch wenn dieses Jahr gut wird ist da doch immer noch die Angst- die Angst vor Falten im Gesicht und Venen an der Hand

Lernen, lernen, lernen, lernen

und dieses Jahr: 

mutig sein. 

#fäden

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Schaffen

Ich schaff das. Es ist wie ne Geburt aber die ist eben auch ein Prozess. 

und am Ende bin ich frei auf vielen Ebenen

#fäden

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