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#amen

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Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys.

The Screwtape Letters, Letter 8, C.S. Lewis 

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Reminders to Myself

1. Your struggle to obey is a reflection of your weak faith. Trust in God’s promises to provide joy and satisfaction that you can never find in the world. 

2. God delights in doing you good. But his thoughts and ways are infinitely higher than yours, so don’t lose hope. 

3. That desperation you’re feeling when you’re seeking God...rejoice in that desperation because you wouldn’t be seeking God unless He wanted you to find Him. 

4. Stop focusing on yourself. Look up and behold your Father. He is greater than your sins and your circumstances.

5. Christ died so that your sins may be forgiven. So forgive yourself and forgive others. 

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A few weeks ago, I had a dream. Two dreams, actually.

In the first dream, I was driving and all the cars were stopped in the middle of the road. The people around me were getting out of their cars and exclaiming, “Look, look!” while pointing at the sky. In the dream, I never looked up at the sky. But somehow I knew that they were seeing Christ and my heart felt like it was going to burst from excitement.

The second dream started similarly. But this time I saw the sky through my car windshield. Behind the clouds, I saw Christ’s silhouette.

Maybe these dreams are just dreams that my subconscious made up. Or maybe they are dreams sent by God. Either way, my spirit yearns for that day and I can’t shake the feeling that it will be soon.

I find myself looking at the skies a lot. Is it just me, or have the skies never looked more beautiful?

Take care of your souls, brothers and sisters. Eternity is calling.

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Has God broken you yet

Don’t know what to pray for anymore

Don’t know what you want

Past the point of begging for deliverance

All you can do is whisper,

“Lord, Lord, my God, my God”

And you don’t have the words to pray

But you feel your spirit reaching

Yeah, I feel that too

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“We talk of Him much and loudly, but we secretly think of Him as being absent, and we think of ourselves as inhabiting a parenthetic interval between the God who was and the God who will be. And we are lonely with an ancient and cosmic loneliness. We are each like a little child lost in a crowded market, who has strayed but a few feet from its mother, yet because she cannot be seen the child is inconsolable. So we try by every method devised by religion to relieve our fears and heal our hidden sadness; but with all our efforts we remain unhappy still, with the settled despair of men alone in a vast deserted universe.

But for all our fears we are not alone. Our trouble is that we think of ourselves as being alone. Let us correct the error by thinking of ourselves as standing by the bank of a full flowing river; then let us think of that river as being none else but God Himself. We glance to our left and see the river coming full out of our past; we look to the right and see it flowing on into our future. But we see also that it is flowing through our present. And in our today it is the same as it was in our yesterday, not less than, nor different from, but the very same river, one unbroken continuum, undiminished, active and strong as it moves sovereignly on into our tomorrow.”- A.W. Tozer 

Heavenly Father, help me see more of you today. 

#god's pursuit of man #a.w. tozer

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my devotion today.

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For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name...

Isaiah 54:5

Sin, particularly sexual sin, becomes even more devastating when we remember that the Lord is our husband.

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Eternity

Father, I just want to go home. You’ve shown me how everything falls apart in my hands, and how nothing in this world will ever compare to you. Why have you put in my heart this yearning for eternity with you? Why have you placed me on this earth? Vanity of vanities, all is vanity... 

I began to think a lot about purpose. I graduated from college with a killer transcript and resume. I had my future all planned out. But piece by piece, quickly everything fell apart. I faced financial depression, crippling self-doubt, chronic physical pain, self-imposed isolation... Eventually, I reached a point where I had no will of my own. No more hopes and dreams. Just the occasional desperate cry into the night for the life I had once hoped for. 

My life was so empty of anything and I longed for eternity to begin. I wouldn’t say that I had suicidal thoughts, but I began to think a lot about death. Especially life after death. I wanted to leave behind the brokenness of my life and of this world. I just wanted to go home.  

I still want to go home. More than ever, I have come to understand what it means to not be of this world. It’s hard to explain...but whenever I see people around me enjoying life and chasing their dreams... they just seemed so foreign to me. Maybe I’m just jealous that I don’t have the same happiness. Or maybe this is what it means to be clinically depressed. But when people ask me about my goals and interests, I’m not sure what to answer. Because everyone is supposed to have hopes and dreams, right? 

What is my purpose here on this earth? Why did God plan my life before creation? Why, God? 

And maybe this was the whole point of my year in the wilderness. Maybe God wanted to bring me to a place where I empty of me. Maybe now I’m the perfect vessel for God to use. 

#christ

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Silence and Doubt

“Seek me and you will find me when you seek me with all your heart.” (Jeremiah 29:13) 

For a year I sought, but where are you God? 

After a year of silence, I am filled with doubt. 

Is God even real? And if he is real, does he even see me? Does he hear me? Am I doing something wrong?

I could list bible verses that promise he does hear, that he knew me before creation, that he will comfort those who cry out to him... But when the fundamental truth of the existence of God is questioned, everything seems to fall apart. 

Some days I find myself crying out for mercy. Lord, have mercy on your daughter. I just wants to be in your presence. Those days where you just want to crawl into the Father’s lap and never leave. 

Other days I find myself begging for forgiveness. Lord, forgive me for my unbelief. Who am I to question you? 

And then there are those days of just silence. Those days when I seem to have so many thoughts bouncing around in my head that I might as well be thinking about nothing. Because what’s the point of any of this? 

I hope that one day, I can look back on this season and praise God for his silence. But today, I’m just trying to hold on. I’m trying to abide by his word and fill myself with his promises. But doubt. Doubt is truly terrifying. 

“There was truth and there was untruth, and if clung to the truth, even against the whole world, you were not mad” (George Orwell, 1984).

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Oh, How He Loves Us

The painful and confusing circumstances of my life made me blind to His good work. Even though logically I knew that his discipline was a demonstration of His love, it was hard to reconcile that in my heart. So I prayed, “Lord, remind me how much you love me.” And he answered. 

The Lord showed me a picture of an expectant mom preparing a nursery. 

“Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you...” (Jeremiah 1:5)

For the first time I wondered if our Father had that same excitement and anticipation for his future children, as soon-to-be parents anticipate the birth of their child. Only His excitement must have been infinitely greater, because his love for us is infinitely greater than that of any earthly parent. 

“Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you.” (Isaiah 49:15)

Like parents who prepare a nursery room, I imagined his joy as He prepared the earth. Like parents pick out the perfect shade of paint for each wall, look at the world and see how meticulously, how perfectly, our Father painted the earth and the sky.

Oh, how he loves us. 

But even crazier?! He knew everything about each of his children. He knew that we would turn away from Him in sin. He saw the wickedness and lust of our hearts. He knew. But He loved us so much that He prepared a way for us to always return to him through His Son. Our Lord Jesus Christ new that creation of man meant suffering a painful death, yet still he chose us.  

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” (John 3:16).

Oh, how he loves us. 

Lord, help me preach to my soul each day, how great is your love for me. 

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#on repeat

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Just Another Post-Grad

Post-grad life is a rough time for most people. The confusion of figuring out a career. The self-doubt of watching all your peers “make it.” The realization that college didn’t prepare you for real life. The regret of not doing more when you had the chance. 

My first year out of college felt like a never-ending series of blows. I reached a point where I couldn’t move because of fear. Fear that the next step I take lead to just another door in my face. And I wish I could say that I overcame, but I didn’t. Each blow shoved me into a darker corner, and I’m still there. 

Still trying to figure it out. Still trying to figure out if it’s worth figuring out. 

I’ve never been one to share myself with the world (as if anyone would even find this blog besides porn-bots). But I hope that one day, I can look back on this season of my life and be thankful. 

So, let’s do this. 

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Father stretch your hands

Bring me to the heavenly gates 

#on repeat