yasminue

[yasminue]

Take a step back. Hear. Take a step back. Heal.

[yasminue]

It's gonna be over before I knew it. Just like everything before. And then I'd look back and it'll look like something else. I'd break and mend and break again. Though things won't be alright all the time, no matter what, I couldn't always say that I tried my best and that all would be okay. And the looming question that sometimes I couldn't answer is, why could I fight tooth and nail like my life depends on it for things that I'm not even sure I want, but not for thing that haunts me in my sleep every night?

[yasminue]

Cold, dark lifeless bodies collided with the last warmth of sight. I watched the war from a far. No, it wasn't entirely a war, and unfortunately I can't see the end of it. As every hurt and sadness scattered in the blazing sky, a little piece of me died and woke up just to die again. Raging fire claimed heartbeats, but they can't claim souls, which are too good for this world. I'm sad and it's getting sadder for things that will have been done. Though I believe that someday, in a different way, life will find a way to serve justice.

[yasminue]

A new year is coming in a few hours. When the year began I was quite at loss of direction, I lost sight of images of the future I used to have in mind. I lost things to get exited about. I couldn't feel the rush of the blood to the head, maybe that was the cue of being an adult. It was getting harder to hold my head up and easier to put on a face that could get me through the day.

There were things to get sad about, naturally, but I guess, there were also things to be grateful, and more memories to cherish. The biggest lesson here this year is to know that I didn't, no, I never really walk alone.

[yasminue]

I remember back when I was 7, oh my first step on that foreign land, the air was so dry and June's eye looked so caring. I made my first few friends, I brought myself into endless reading adventure just to try not to remember the things that hurt me. I remember august came too soon and the summer's sun scorched even at night. The wind wasn't too kind, I got sick and I got no one. I learned about loneliness for the first time, about real sadness, about changed that happened way too fast. I was too young.

With a hole in my heart, looked around on everybody else who was completed. I knew I wouldn't be the same again, I grew up too fast, I needed to learn faster, everything was ahead of its clock. Time wasn't exactly an enemy but surely wasn't my friend.

-into a memory part 1

[yasminue]

Sing your own song. Write your own story. Feel your own pain. Chase your own cloud. That is always the message.

but sometimes those songs are sad songs. the story is open-ended. Oh the wound was nasty. And the cloud, you've been through hell and back trying to make out what it feels like, grey and all.

would it be fair to trade them, but I won't for the world. They are my songs on a rainy day, a story to tell to my grandchildren one day. The pain that I grew out of, I was really something, and that was only true. even cloud wouldn't stay grey forever i knew.

[yasminue]

it's not perfect, or a walk in the park. the wood surely feels long and dark. and the feeling is blue. I hope to encounter butterflies and fireflies in an open field, but mostly it's a fight with dragons I thought was only on legend. The truth and the lie of walking alone, the imagination of dying at the hand of time. It's sad and it's not perfect, it's just reality.

Every sword, every drop of rain, every promises. am I out of the woods? am I even close to the end? or am I here to stay?

It came with no warning, nor a map. it just doesn't matter who's here, who feels trapped and buried.

[yasminue]

You would have turned 61 today, if you were still here. I wouldn't write so many letters left as drafts for you. Your recent pictures would be on my phone with your granddaughter, laughing.

Happy birthday, dad.

[yasminue]

We had plans. We had the images of the future, where we'll hear laughter chimes over the dinner tables, at your favorite dishes. The ones that I sort of avoid. Oh, what I wouldn't give just to have one more meal with you. Because we rarely had meals together. We drove for miles and miles, the roads got rough and I heard you shout at anything that moved in your lane. What I wouldn't give just to have one more drive with you. I'll try not to fall asleep this once.

Three years had passed since that afternoon. Everybody has moved on, I have a thousand chances too. I mourn a long time, you're always in my mind, all of the what-could-have-beens, all the what-ifs, all the regrets, and all the things left unsaid. I kept a backlog so long, Dad, I want to say it all, but I miss you more than I can say. You were my hometown, you laid out my city plans, you put up towers and bridges... and I grew up in your hands.

So when it all crumbled down as you left, I could see, that I had to lay out my own plans. The images of the future with your favorite dishes over the dinner tables, I'll save you a seat, always.

[yasminue]

2022 is coming to end in few hours, it closes down a year of unbeknownst to another. Marks me with multiple numbers, they stay. I am not who I was when the year started, I wish I could say much better, but I barely have enough to get through the day. Still, I'm here. Wounded, but I'm here. In tears, but I'm here. I still get through the day.

There are a lot of things that I haven't chosen. Mistakes I haven't made yet. Roads I haven't walked on yet. Truth is I don't know, I don't even know if I have a plan down the road.

[yasminue]

I was an art in the centre your gallery/ made of acrylics/ you hated the sight of it/ like you forgot why it's there in the first place/ at the beginning looking like a daydream/ now it's an eyesore/ so you tried looking away every time it crossed your path/ you have no idea how to be rid of it/ cause then everybody would know/ and you can't risk it when they'll ask why/ "what happened to that picture, you used to be so proud of it"/ and they would look for it/ asking the same damn question that you hated/ and they'll take it/ you can't sleep thinking that painting would be in the centre of other rooms/ probably bigger and shinier/ like the one in Louvre/ so you dimmed the light/ so everybody forgot/ it was still there, rusting/

[yasminue]

Let's take this to a trial and have a heart attack from it. It's Wednesday, you know, the day we were trapped in that cafeteria. It's never a crime to look at you. And hoping, too. Raining outside, just like a witness. Let's take this to a trial and expect a bad rep out of it, just like we do. I don't see you anymore, you're vanished into thin air. I get it that it's wrong from the get go. The moment that it started, the guilts grew. So let's take this to a trial when they're done tearing houses to defend it. I knew I'd stand in that kind of altar. Who am I offending now, that it feels like a prison. It seems like a stand-off and I think I have to go. So you can rest your case.

[yasminue]

It's a confusing time, yet, so solemn. I stood there in the moving train, listen to a man singing something about throwing their happiness, then someone else singing about their homeland in my ears. Some screams echoed, laughter too, and the sights of tired eyes that fought so hard not to sleep. It's goddamn early.

I thought I knew everything, but surely I got it wrong, so many times now. I started letting go of the regrets. I'm not sure why, but then one day I woke up and I just didn't suffer so much anymore. Surely there are still pains, but the hurts are now different. It's not healing either so, where am I, is it possible to live alongside of pain, and just live on.

[yasminue]

I grew up and I don't know what I want anymore. All the stuff that used to excite me, I have grown out of them. Sometimes pretending they still spark some light, in anyway.

Just nostalgic.

I went to some dark places inside and out, I maybe still am not sure if I was ever the same. No, nothing is the same. Navigating through the sea of uncertainties, trying to cope up with anything and everything all at once, this doesn't even make sense. How much of myself did I lose trying to keep my head above water?

Is it even still raining?

If I'm mad, at what and at who, exactly? The whole world doesn't even revolve around me from the beginning, I know I'm the joker, the character on the background that once in a while making a scene or making someone laugh. I don't and never steal glances.

If I'm mad, why? I can't even answer. The search for it has been a great journey, and only raises more questions. What is there out there?

Give me a sign.

Just give me a sign...

[yasminue]

source

[yasminue]

From the beginning

It was green, I think, what a point zero of everything. We've become and unbecome, born and died and reborn, sometimes all at the same time. It was the thrill. Mental isn't it in hindsight What did I find and take along the way, some of them still on loan. Just recently they're due, so there my hands become empty because things slipped out, paid back, and got even. Still, I've grown. I've been given more than I could count, blessed with things that I didn't see straight away. Things that I've let down and maybe I should have picked up. Mental isn't it in hindsight.

Maybe it's like a goddamn rainbow after all, as cliché as it sounds, it's just the storms happen to last long and pretty much destroying everything. I have not been equipped with knowledge to rebuild, just yet, but I'm sure I'll get to that.

It hurts, like an impact should. There's no way around but facing it full body unarmored. And then I'll get undone, so I might just sit back, relax, and enjoy the crash.

[yasminue]

Much more than I know

For every wish that wishes for a life in pursuit of knowledge I have conflicted with myself, for many times, if somehow this was the right path I was blinded, by hopes and by dreams It looked foggy and harsh, the path that I was walking Down and up without a sense where's the ending But it's much more than I know So much that I haven't seen. This was only the middle of the road, my way is a long way, adventurous one surely, that takes a world of magical creatures and spells and everything Might want to sit back for a while, before the dragons and monsters and the talking trees, somehow those get me pick up a sword I never knew I have, all in me Because it's just, so much more than I know.