xthoughtsandthornsx

[xthoughtsandthornsx]

每一天我都在想，到底谁是我知心能信任的好朋友。我不需要多。一个真心会陪我到老的好朋友就好。

我还以为的好朋友，只把我当提款机吗？讲钱真的很伤感情。天啊。这是为什么呢。

[xthoughtsandthornsx]

讨厌身边的人说话不靠谱。

说一套，做一套。

我真的搞不懂。

不要又拿星座当你行为的借口。

因为很恶心，真的很恶心。

[xthoughtsandthornsx]

希望在剩下的2020，人生会对我好一点。就。。一点点就好。。

[xthoughtsandthornsx]

Everyday, I beg You to take me away.

[xthoughtsandthornsx]

好讨厌我自己

[xthoughtsandthornsx]

I guess this is life.

People will only remember the one bad thing you did, and not the thousands good things you did for them.

Rip. Take me away.

[xthoughtsandthornsx]

I guess I just never believed in love. Because

1. Cheating always happen

2. I’ve never felt loved and protected.

[xthoughtsandthornsx]

I concluded that there’s nobody I can trust in the big o. Hence let’s distance. Let’s just keep it all to myself.

[xthoughtsandthornsx]

[xthoughtsandthornsx]

rethinking the definition of friendship. whats true. whats not. 

scary.

human.

people.

thoughts and mouths. 

[xthoughtsandthornsx]

i cried so much (again) reading the diary entry i wrote when i was mourning the death of beetbeet. after beetbeet’s death, i dreamt of him twice. 

in one of the dream, he was in the house, protecting me from a porcupine. he attacked the porcupine and cleaned himself afterwards like he always do.  

in another dream, he was so fat. and he seem to be really happy. if i didn't remember wrongly, he was together with other animal friends. 

bbb, when are you going to appear in my dreams again? 

[xthoughtsandthornsx]

i miss you so much my beetbeet boy. my honey bunny. i miss you sooooooo much. 

[xthoughtsandthornsx]

to my dear bunny, beet beet:

today was your last day on earth. as i have wished, i was with you when you took your last breath. 

i am so sorry. i am sorry i have to make this very painful decision to let you go. seeing you breath your last was probably the most painful thing i’ve ever been through. 

holding you in my arms was the best damn thing ever. you gave me warmth and comfort whenever im feeling low. when im lonely, you were my best companion. when i need to rant, you were my best listening ears. these two years was not the easiest years of my life. but with you around, everything seems so much better. 

there are so many things i love about you beet. i love the way you lick my fingers to show affection. recently, you even lick my face. i love the way you respond to your treats. i love the way you force your tiny little face under the hands to request for sayangs. i love the way you lie down all the way flat like a pancake. i love the way you eat berries and papaya. i love the way you drink from a cup. i love the way you throw tantrum whenever i annoy you. i love the way you bite the hay and spit it out whenever i try to feed you some. i love the way you stare at me. i love the way your ears goes up and down to listen to any noise. i love it when you lie beside me for hours. 

baby im sorry i did not get you treated immediately i noticed the lump. baby im sorry i should have brought you into the vet earlier to do your yearly check-ups. baby im sorry i should have taken better care of you, spent more time with you and loving you more. 

i hope you are still in the house, running around, hiding under the dining table, under the sofa and visiting me occasionally. 

i still remember the day i brought you home. i was throwing a tantrum on the sofa of our house, i kept pestering my mum to get me a bunny. when i went to the pet store, i knew immediately it was you i want to bring home. you were still a baby, palm size one-month old bunny. without hesitation, i carried you in your new cage and walked a good 30 minutes home. it was tiring as f. but i was so overwhelmed with happiness and was so excited about spending the rest of your years with you that i quickly got over the tiredness. 

for the first few days, i woke up earlier than usual, without an alarm, to play with you. you were so cute. i still remember.. your first few toys were some toy balls with bells on it. i still remember how you swing it left and right and up and down while standing on your twos. 

fast forward a few years later.. my relationship with ma worsen. ma moved you out of the house, into the corridor every night because of the fur you were dropping and causing a mess in the house. i was so heartbroken and angry at ma. i brought you home every night.

after a few weeks, i stopped doing it.. and baby that was the thing i regretted the most. im sorry baby for not letting you be a free roam bunny earlier.. though you chew on our slippers, chairs, tables, cables and sometimes digesting it and i see them coming out of your poo, you were a very very good boy. 

last two weeks of your life, i see you suffer more than anytime. you refuse to eat or drink and is less active than before. you prefer to sleep than do anything though you still respond to the sound of your treats. oh boy it hurts me so much to see you suffer. and every time i see you suffer, trains of memories with you just flew past my mind. 

two weeks ago, on the 4th of july, i dreamt that you were struggling and you somehow signalled to me that the surrounding was too noisy for you to handle. you were so stressed out and constantly coming to me as if asking me for help. true to the dream, on the 5th of july, your first episode happened. you were grinding your teeth in pain, looking so restless and constantly having mushy poo. you were in so much pain back then so i took you to the vet in the middle of the night at 1am and the vet gave you a pain relief jab. you stabilised and then worsened..... two days ago, i dreamt of death, under the dining table and you were just lying beside urns. it was a nightmare. i woke up in horror, heart still beating fast. other than these bad dreams, i had a flash image of you smiling at me, hopping around and seemingly asking me to not worry about you too much and that you are happy. somehow, i had a feeling that you are holding on so much because of me.... 

the last night of your life, i got an instinct that you were going to go.. you weren’t looking that good and i prayed to god and you to stay with me till the morning. i brought you onto my bed, and on the last night of your life, i finally got to spend a night with you. i couldn’t care less if you pee or poo on my bed. i didn’t want to regret. and i am proud to say im glad i did it. i barely slept. i wanted to be with you when you breathe your last. so i kept jerking up from my sleep at the thought of you leaving me. morning came and your condition seem to have worsen. i knew it from the start that when i bring you out of the house now, i will not be able to bring you home again. in the taxi, i was constantly telling you to stay with me till we reach the vet. 

when we reach the vet, i couldn’t control myself when the recep asked what had happened to you. i burst out crying when i said ‘i think he is dying’. and thats when i knew.. im a selfish bitch who doesn’t want you to go. i wanted you for the rest of my life. the huge amount of care and concern i got from the vet’s staff was overwhelming. they were all going out of their way to calm my broken heart. 

after the talk with your vet, i was left alone to make a decision. to let you go.... or to try to treat you. treating you will be a long torturous process and it took me a looooooooooooong time and buckets of tears to finally decide to let you go. when i walked out of the vet to get some fresh air, i couldn’t control myself again, i burst out crying in agony, in pain.. i was so so so heartbroken. i couldn’t bear to part from you. i don’t want to say goodbye to you. i want to bring you home. 

baby boy please don’t blame mama for making this difficult decision. i really really hope that you are at peace now and free from all the sufferings and pain. 

today i cried so much in front of my dad because of you beet. dad has never seen me cry so much in my life before..probably not even ma. i cry when i think you of. i cry when i think of the last moments before you die, when you was in my arms. i cry when i think of the scene when the doctor injected the anaesthesia into your blood stream. i cry when im at home, looking for you at your favourite spots but you were nowhere to be found.

but im going to give myself one more week to mourn your death. one week later, i hope i will cry lesser...

baby beetbeet boy, you will always always be in my heart and nobody can replace that spot. never ever. i love you always, forever and ever. i hope and believe that we will meet again. and in our next lives, if you are still a bunny, i would want you to be my lovely companion again. and if you are, i promise i will take better care of you, 1000000 times better. 

xoxo. with loving memories from the 11 years of companionship. 

[xthoughtsandthornsx]

stop telling me bb is leaving. stop it!!!!!!!!!

[xthoughtsandthornsx]

im too comfortable in my zone. im too afraid of change. is this why im not moving? 

[xthoughtsandthornsx]

討厭人的虛偽和多面。何時才能找到真心對你好了解你的人呢。

[xthoughtsandthornsx]

wah. 

how did these happen? 

two issues hurt me so much these few weeks (those two in the two previous posts that i JUST posted this noon). 

and these two issues... miraculously got its solution today! well..kinda. 

1. i wasn’t that invisible

2. i was unblocked.

wow. 

who was the one who has been listening and answering to my prayers? i wonder.