xkelcixchaosx

[xkelcixchaosx]

Trying to understand how I am still chronically devastated at something that happened over a month ago and yet just want to go out and party

[xkelcixchaosx]

I miss you so much. And I don’t know if it’s because I was lonely or because I was infatuated with you. The scary thing is, I believed every single word you said. I was falling for you. I’m fact, I think I might have been in love with you. And I knew it wouldn’t work. I knew you were going to hurt me. I just didn’t know it would hurt this bad. Maybe that should have been a sign in the first place? Betting on the fact that you were going to hurt me. Or all the other red flags I just let pass me by because I kept telling myself that I liked you for you. I guess it doesn’t matter now. I’m so angry at you and yet, I want nothing more than to be with you.

You have someone else - that’s fine - but it was a shit move. A really shit move. I did everything for you. In fact, I wanted to do everything for you all the time. I had daydreams about our future. Driving around in a Tesla. Going to Japan together. But you don’t like leaving the US. Was that a lie too? Can you imagine that you were gone for 7 days and that 7 days basically shattered my life? I just saw that Build A Bear has axolotls now. It made me think of you. I wonder if you’re sad at all or if you just don’t care. You seemed like you didn’t care when you told me. But I hope you do. I hope I wasn’t just a random person to you. I guess I know why your numbers so high, though, huh? If this is what you do to all of em, that’s pretty sad. I should be so angry. What you did was unforgivable. And yet, here I am. Just missing you. Wanting you back. Wanting to know everything about you. Wanting to comfort you when you cry. Wanting to help you through your manic episodes. Wanting to just be there for you even though you weren’t for me. And I knew it. I had that gut feeling 2 days into your trip that you were going to hurt me. And you did. I just didn’t want it to be true.

Funny thing is, if you told me right now that it was a mistake and you wanted to try to make stuff work, I wouldn’t say no. I know I should, but I wouldn’t. No wonder why you didn’t want to be together. Gave you free reign to do whatever you want. Fuck. This is so stupid. I can’t believe you threw away what we had for her. But you were lonely. You don’t know how to deal with loneliness. I don’t either. Probably why we were doomed from the start. I thought we would make each other better, but that was just a daydream I guess. I was so happy with you. You made me so happy. The complete opposite now. Funny thing is, I can’t stop thinking about you. Can’t sleep, can’t eat - it’s embarrassing really. I miss the girls, miss our shenanigans, miss going to random places with you.

Debating if I’m going to send this or not. Probably not - it won’t change anything. But I texted you before just because I wanted to hear your voice. Or not actually hear your voice, but ya know. God knows you wouldn’t pick up my calls. You hate confrontation. You hate talking about anything really. Also another red flag. When the stadium if full of red flags, you would think I would get it, huh? I’m pissed off. I’m so sad. But I think I feel things too much. Maybe that’s the issue. I’d rather just be angry and get it over with. I don’t need you. But sometimes I feel like I do. Sometimes I remember how you would kiss my head or try to make me laugh when I was crying and it hurts. I wanted you to hold me forever.

A few days before you left you said you were obsessed with me. And I thought - wow, she feels the same way. I wanted to know everything about you. But you weren’t obsessed with ME. You were obsessed with who I was to you. Someone to make your days and nights a little less lonely. And to think about that absolutely shatters me. I would have done anything for you. Maybe that’s the problem. Or was the problem. I don’t know if I should send this to you. Hell, I probably will. Not to make you feel bad, but to make me feel better. The fact that i don’t hate you for what you did is killing me. Sometimes I think you just need a friend. But I can’t be that for you. I can’t just turn off my emotions and pretend I wasn’t head over heels for you

What plays over and over in my head is how normal everything was when I dropped you at the airport. You kissed me like normal. The next day, you called me just so I could hear your voice. I thought that was so sweet. And then you stop answering any texts. You didn’t tell me you missed me once. I knew the second day in what you were doing. My gut dropped more and more when I didn’t hear from you. XOXO Gossip girl was the last thing you said to me. The next day, I knew. Funny enough, I didn’t expect you to tell me. I told you how much it would’ve hurt me months ago. I figured you’d hide it. Wait until you couldn’t take it anymore and then tell me. The fact that you waited until the next day physically makes me ill. I slept in your bed. I cuddled you. I thought the world of you, even when you didn’t of me.

I hope she takes care of you. I hope that she wakes up with you in the middle of the night to calm you down. I hope she holds you when you cry. I hope she does everything you deserve. You deserve love. You deserve someone who can help you, love you, and make you happy. I guess that’s just not me.

And I’ll get over it in time. Everyone keeps telling me that. I know. I just wish I didn’t have to.

[xkelcixchaosx]

[xkelcixchaosx]

Allen Ginsberg // unknown

[xkelcixchaosx]

[xkelcixchaosx]

[xkelcixchaosx]

Enemies to "I accidentally came across you while you were vulnerable and scared and I'm not a total asshole so I tried to help you" to "accidental mutual uncovering of softer sides and vulnerabilities" to "I can't be mean to you anymore, not out of pity but because it would feel weird betraying that brief truce we had" to "Fine I'll make an effort to be nice to you now I guess" to "actually now that we're not actively hating each other you're not so bad I guess" to "i think we're friends but I'm not going to say that because I'm afraid you're not gonna feel the same way" to "oh you also think we're friends? Great" to lovers

[xkelcixchaosx]

A Frame with 3 Floors

© L.Kelly

[xkelcixchaosx]

[xkelcixchaosx]

embrace the darkness

[xkelcixchaosx]

[xkelcixchaosx]

[xkelcixchaosx]

Just two lovesick idiots on a scooter. (originally posted by prianikn_ke on Twitter)

[xkelcixchaosx]

“Are you sure?”

[xkelcixchaosx]

[xkelcixchaosx]

STUDIO GHIBLI + AUTUMN 🍂🍁🍂

Spirited Away (2001) Kiki’s Delivery Service (1989) Pom Poko (1994) My Neighbor Totoro (1988) Princess Mononoke (1997) Howl’s Moving Castle (2004) The Secret World of Arrietty (2010)

[xkelcixchaosx]

Babygirl I know fandom history that you wouldn’t even care about