xhunnee-blog

[xhunnee-blog]

We are now at this stage. The stage where I have to force myself to eat. Idk why my depression likes to go on this weird up and down coaster. But, it’s just how it is. I wish life was okay. I feel depressed and sometimes I try and find out why. There never really seems to be a huge reason why. I think stress is kind of getting to me. The pressure. Moving on my own. I think everyday about it. What if I don’t have enough money to buy my daughter clothes, feed her, or pay the bills. I’m so scared. But everyday it’s more and more pressure. Trying so hard to save my money. Only for my mom to point out I have money and always suggests I spend that money. But then asks me nearly everyday when I’ll be moving out. I get confused. I know she wants me and my daughter out. So the pressure feels even more hard on my shoulders... ugh... wish I could stop. Wish this heavy feeling in my chest would go away.

[xhunnee-blog]

hey depression, me again

 So... it's me again. You come, never really go though. When everything else in my life seems like it leaves, you're here. You're the only consistent thing in my life that never fades. As most people.... I hate you. You suck me in. Drive me into a hole of sadness. Why? Just leave. Sometimes I think, die. But I can't. And it makes me even more upset that I can't just go. I have things to do. Things to accomplish.. So I ask you another question.. Am I ever gonna feel okay? Now that you've made me gain pounds, I look in the mirror in utter disgust. Hate ever mark, crevice, and fold. Now, My moms noticed and tell me how much you've made me so ..fat. So, for my own mother to call me fat and tell me to stop eating.. I now eat and want to cry. I look at food and feel disgusted in myself. I look at myself and blame myself. But for some odd, peculiar reason.. I can't stop eating my depression away. Am I never gonna feel beautiful again? Why can't I go out and feel good about myself? I put makeup on, does nothing. I still see a fat double chin. I put a waist trainer on, but then I remember I'm still fat under it. I try...But I hate myself... Life.. isn't going well for me rn.

The only thing I hate more is how I have my daughter who tries to play with me, but I can't. My body won't let me move. My mind keeps screaming for me to get up, but I won't move... Am I a horrible mother? Am I just... horrible in general? ... People always say “you're such a great mom”. But how? Giving her a shit father.  Not even financially stable to buy her everything I want. How the fuck am I a good mother? I can't even bring myself to play with her. Only because of you. You don't let me be happy. You remind me I'm a piece of shit. You... don't let me out of your grasp. Clouding over me making me feel useless.. and maybe .. I am. 

No pill helped. I tried. But when I look at the pills all you'd tell me to do was “take it all”. And every time I listened. But it never did what you wanted. My dosage never got high enough because I would stop every time they changed the medication. I was scared. Scared you'd take me away. God, what does my Dr’s even think of me? Do they think I'm some kind of addict who comes every other couple months swearing ill take the medication?. It's not me... I hate pills... Every time I tried to swallow them all.. I was alive. I ended up with a high that lasted me nearly a month. Nobody noticed though. Nobody ever really sees me. 

But that's a good thing... right? that no one sees? cause they do and they judge. Just one moment of telling your story they swear they know every fucking detail. God, typing everything I think in my head makes me feel fucking insane.. the more I type, the more I feel this .. heavy, un.. pleasuring feeling... I want to cry. I want to be held. I want someone to tell me wtf is wrong with me. Am I mentally ill? Am I okay? What exactly could help? Is death really the answer I need? Or... Am I just... 

the fact I can't even think anymore.. I can't express myself anymore... I think I did enough. I said what I needed to you.. But Depression... Hello, again.....

#depression mentalnote hello help

[xhunnee-blog]

I’m fading

It’s okay that I’m fading away slowly. But I can’t leave my daughter behind. I hate the medication. The nasty taste it gives me. Me crying at night because my health gets worse and worse. I feel like I’m too good for this bad to keep creeping in on me. And it’s worse cause the one person who’s done me so wrong is the one person I wish I could cry to. I never thought this would happen to me. I feel drained. I feel depressed. I really hope this goes away... cancer isn’t going to be how I go..

[xhunnee-blog]

Fuck you

One thing I wouldn’t ever do is let my significant other disrespect my child. Speak to them in any type of foul manner or anything. My mom always chose my step dad over me. Always said I’d be the reason he left her. Always told me she wouldn’t be anything without him and if he left it would be my fault that she was nothing. My mom wasn’t the best mom. But she had my back and did so much for me. I hate that they always make me feel shitty. I just always thought your parents and especially your mother shouldn’t do that. I’m not sure why my mom has to pick him over me. And sometimes she does but then he gets mad so then she takes her pain on me. I’ve been beaten by my mother. Punched in the face so many times, bashed my head into a window, and has always told me I’m pathetic. The amount of mental and physical shit that’s gone on in my life sucks. I wish I could be saved. I want out. I just wish it wasn’t so hard to be away. I just want out of this cage of fucked yo situations ....

[xhunnee-blog]

Baby boy

You have a baby boy now... when that’s all we wanted... a son. You told me I was all you’d ever love. Told me our daughter was enough for you. But you never loved me like you said. Never even loved our daughter... but here you are... with your baby boy coming into the world... what we always wanted... I didn’t know pain and betrayal could feel this bitter. The baby boy we always wanted... and you have it with her... someone you barely met... why me... why did I need to feel this type of pain...

[xhunnee-blog]

Empty

I kinda hate how I feel like there’s this bottomless pit inside me. I feel empty. Gone. I feel like I always want to be loved. I hate that I want to be loved so badly. Because I love the wrong people all the time. I sometimes feel like my life isn’t supposed to be okay. I know I constantly repeat myself. But these are the thoughts that go on in my head. I feel like people just don’t like me. I hate that I feel like everyone is out to hurt me . Why am I like this....

[xhunnee-blog]

I need help..

I’m mentally a mess. I wanted to go on here to vent and let my mind escape. I don’t really care for acknowledgment. I just honestly need to let my mind go. Today my mom told me I’m mentally ill and need help and I’m the reason nobody stays in my life. I couldn’t help but feel broken because that’s the person who gave me life. Not only have I battled with depression and suicidal thoughts my whole life... but I can’t help that she’s right. I feel like there is something genuinely wrong with my head. Can I really be that horrible of a person? Am I really that worthless? Why can’t anyone stay for me? And why is it that nobody loves me like they say they do... is it because I’m too nice? But doesn’t that contradict that my mom says I’m horrible ? I’m not sure who I am . I’m not sure why I am the way I am. I know I need a lot of searching within myself but I can’t help but feel like I’m stuck in darkness. I feel like everytime things go right , everything will crash down as soon as I get comfortable with happiness. It’s like I’m meant to be down in my world of pain. I hate that I feel like I want to die. I have a beautiful daughter who I love more than anything. I can’t leave her alone . If I didn’t have her I’d be done with myself. But I look at her and can’t go . I’m constantly battling not letting myself die. There has been so many times where I shove so many pills in my mouth and hope for the worst. Nobody in my life really knows my problem with pills. I’ve tried to OD so many times but nothing really worked. Or maybe I was cowardly and didn’t want to really finish off. I know if I did kill myself my mom would hate me . But I feel like her life would be better off without me. She always says I’d be the reason her and my step dad would divorce. I hate that I feel like I’m always unloved or hated. I never felt happy where I was. I hate living . And idk why I’m still here. I know I won’t kill myself .... but it calls my name .. I need help ... I need something... I just want to be okay...