xherecomesthesun

[xherecomesthesun]

🥟🥟🥟 for @sopekooks 🤍 cr. jung-koook

[xherecomesthesun]

[xherecomesthesun]

[xherecomesthesun]

[xherecomesthesun]

two years.

I have always wanted to be loved like this, but perhaps never quite believed I would. To be loved gently, patiently, graciously, unconditionally; to be consciously chosen every day of my life; to know that I have a safe space to be human, to be imperfect, and to figure myself out through every change. To have laughter in most of the days (I always say 9 out of 10). And to be anchored in Christ, as our cornerstone in everything - in every conflict, in every purpose of our household, in every surrendering of our fears, in every celebration.

Thank you Jesus.

the second year had been quieter than the first. where the first had been seeing how we can be used for others, the second had been mostly introspective - settling down into status quo while making space for new things. as I write this in the same room I was prepared to be a bride, I am simultaneously being prepared to be a mother. I have in my womb a bubbling child that had been amusing us so - we had imagined many scenarios in our heads of what he might be doing inside, while also sharing with him every thing we hope he will join us in doing.

we had served in church together for the first time, seeing how differently God had discipled us for the same mission, and seeing how these two ways complement each other well. we are excited to see how this will carry forward into our third year after being approached to guide someone very special - we had been individually blessed with wise counsel from many godly adults in our lives, so to be entrusted to carry this responsibility forward in our generation is both precious and an honour. it is also exciting to think how God continues to carry us through His mission for us; Zhong Hao had said as he proposed "and thus this is why we shall say - God is our rock in this relationship; our house, we shall serve the Lord." Yes, this house will continue to serve the Lord in any way He calls, amen.

and then there are the normal days in between. I have a husband who delights in caring for me, who cooks or buys most of the delicious meals I eat, who would patiently rub away my pains (pregnant or not), who would graciously take in my tantrums or anxious outbursts before cuddling me and assuring me that everything will turn out okay. all these things are big things in the small moments that make up the every day; that teaches me what consistency looks like, what relentless love looks like, what safe space looks like. these normal days are my favourite days and sets me up with courage and confidence for whatever the future might hold.

Lim Zhong Hao, you remain to be the miracle I can never understand. I love you immensely.

[xherecomesthesun]

Letters to Bunny

It's been about a month since we took this first picture of you. Since then, we've told our dearest about you, and celebrated your coming. I remembered the first time Daddy and I saw your heart beating (or at least the clump of neurons that you've managed to grow!), and we teared thinking that you're finally coming home.

And this home that you're coming to is going to be an exciting one. Daddy and I have a close, intimate relationship with our Creator, which we hope you will find to have too. His name is Jesus Christ, and He's going to totally blow your mind. Daddy and I have built our lives around what He's done for us - and that is everything. There was nothing else left for us to strive for ourselves, and so we've looked outwards.

One of which is to reach out to those who are not as lucky as us to have stable and/or comfortable homes, or family to reach out to for help. You've come with us on these walks! Sometimes it's scary, because it goes late into the night and into areas where the lighting is not bright. But we had learnt to be brave, because we know that Jesus is more powerful than any other powers there are in this world. He protects us as we go out to do His will. I hope you will learn to be brave too, in whatever that you do, knowing in full confidence that while it's okay to be afraid, there are other more important things than fear, and Christ will be battling these fears before you.

You might be wondering what else Daddy and I do with our time. We currently work for National Council of Social Service, a statutory board under the Ministry of Social and Family Development. Daddy does research, and I'm in planning - both of us help social workers in getting good data about the people they help, and the programmes they run, so that we can keep improving on how we help them. It's a very stressful environment, because we care so much about doing what is right. When your work contributes to other people's lives, you tend to take things very seriously. You've been with Mummy in many of these stressful meetings, where it sometimes feel that the least important thing is being fought about. But these things are still important and must be done right. This is our place in the sector, and where our talents are used. We hope that you will grow to find and develop your own talents, and work for a place where these talents will be used to enrich the lives of others around you.

Life is comfortable enough, but maybe not cushy, but we are so fulfilled. We can't wait for you to share in this! There is a place in this madness for you, and we hope you will come to love this madness just like how we do. It's going to be a wild ride!

Love,

Mummy.

[xherecomesthesun]

Finally just relaxing in my happy place with candles and tea 🍂✨ new YouTube video will be up very soon! Just some footage from Boston, if you aren’t sick of me talking about it already hahaha ❤️

[xherecomesthesun]

Sometimes, our troubles feel like mountains. Like you'd look up and wonder "how did we get here". One moment we are just moving rock by rock, pebble by pebble, and suddenly everything stacks up and it gets overwhelming and suddenly they are mountains.

They are mountains around you, and it's suffocating and overwhelming and you lose all sense of control. They are in front of you, and behind you, and beside you, and all around you.

That's a little bit how I feel right now. My aunt is not okay, and it feels like one by one her body is telling us new things about how it's breaking down. At first it's her blood pressure. And then it's her heart. And then it's her liver. Now her intestines. I don't know how much catch up we're playing, and I also don't know if we've caught up with it yet.

And I don't know if the doctors are in time. I don't know anything anymore.

But I guess I know my God. And that my God is Healer. And while healing may not be in my aunt's future I know that my God remains to be source of healing. The source of wisdom. The source of strength. I don't know what the future holds, but I know I have Jesus. And I'm the only one in the family who has Jesus. And I will bring Jesus to this place. No, Jesus is already here. With me.

I don't know what the future holds but I will anchor my hope in Christ, my steady rock. Father, I know that if its in Your will, You can bring healing miraculously to my aunt. I know that only You can guide the doctors and surgeons to make the wisest choices. To detect even the slightest anomaly, and advise the best way forward. Father I know that our hearts may be anxious but Your name can bring peace. You are waymaker, miracle worker, and I know You can work through me. Help me bring Your peace to the family too, Jesus. Help me to be You for them, Father. And be with me. In Your name I pray amen.

source

[xherecomesthesun]

[xherecomesthesun]

🏡 Gorazd Kranjc

[xherecomesthesun]

one year.

I am sitting in the same hotel room I was prepped to be Zhong Hao's bride. I was made to be beautiful, all dressed in white, mostly excited to be married. Mostly excited to walk down the aisle and meet my groom at the altar.

The same worship song that was playing when we had our marriage prayer is playing now. It's the Aaronic blessing; a prayer for God to look upon His people, to bless them, and give them peace. And that is exactly how we started our marriage. We put His name on this house, and He has blessed us.

“Speak to Aaron and his sons, saying, Thus you shall bless the people of Israel: you shall say to them, The Lord bless you and keep you;  the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you;  the Lord lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace. “So shall they put my name upon the people of Israel, and I will bless them.”

Numbers 6: 23 - 27

I can barely pin down our year of marriage. It's been an exhilarating year. We built a house together, and it's been a wonderful house. It's been cosy and warm (oh so very warm with no aircon), and it had hosted many friends. The most significant ones, of course, had been 2.5 weeks with Zana when she had nowhere else to go, and 2 months with Ben while he was in between places.

We've spent many Sunday evenings walking the areas of Changi Village and Pasir Ris, looking out for our displaced uncles. I think the richest we've been is in the friendships we had made, not just with our uncle friends who happily wave at us when they see us and tell us many stories of their kampungs or share with us their difficulties at getting a home. But also with fellow volunteers who had just a smidge of their hearts to share, but found that it had always been enough.

We've also had fights. Ugly fights. Fights that had challenged us, and changed us. There were many tears, and a couple of nights where I've felt like my heart was going to tear into two. But they end, and they end with Zhong Hao grabbing my hands and leading me in prayer. We run, oh we run, to God and hurriedly tell Him "we don't know what to do, but we know we have You" - and we know, again and again, this is all that we will ever need.

We haven't had a child yet, and that's okay or maybe not okay depending on the season, but we've been so full. God had shown us how He has plans for us - good and pleasing plans, should we yield to His will. Good and pleasing, not necessarily for us, but good and pleasing in and of itself. To be used by Him. To be relief to someone. To be salt. To be light.

We've shared many meals - some burnt ones, but many delicious ones, and friends like coming over and eating our food. They say "it feels like home" and make themselves at home on our floors, our sofas, at corners of the house. For one year and two persons, Command Post has indeed been used well.

It's only been a year and I honestly can't wait for it to be five, and then ten, and then fifteen, and so on. It is not just a marriage with Zhong Hao that is exciting. I wake up to see a husband smiling at me, to say "wah thank You Jesus, woo!" and kiss me on the forehead while telling me I'm the best wife ever. There hasn't been a week where he hasn't made me laugh, and I still catch my breath every time he looks back at me. It is not just the feeling of immense gratefulness of being married to *Lim Zhong Hao* that fills me with so much anticipation at what the future holds.

It is precisely a marriage with Zhong Hao *IN CHRIST* that is exciting, is exhilarating, is worth everything. I don't know what else God has in store, what other ways in which we will be challenged, which other people He'll cross our paths with. But God help us - that each time we are at the crossroads between doing what is easy and what is needed, we would have chosen wisely and accordingly to His will.

I have been blessed. I have been kept. I have tasted God's graciousness. I have peace.

From behind and before, God has hemmed me in, and laid His hands upon me. I am safe. I am secure.

Happy Anniversary.

[xherecomesthesun]

it is simultaneously easy and difficult to believe in a God in a broken world.

I once shared that it's difficult to believe in a God when there's no relief from your pain - how do you assure someone who's been raped, or tortured, etc, that there's a God out there, and especially a God who loves them?

Zhong Hao and I tested positive for Covid this past week. This same week, America was shook with the news that women's rights to abortion was at threat. As a general rule of thumb, I try to avoid mentally engaging in political matters outside of my country - partly because I can't do anything about it but also partly because I tell myself it has nothing to do with me. Like, gun control. I have opinions and thoughts, but so do the people of America and they still can't do much about it.

But something about this hits closer to home. The idea that life begins in the womb, and abortion of any kind is so abhorrent that it cannot be allowed under any circumstances. Suddenly I felt personally attacked by the idea that a baby in my womb had more rights to life than I do.

I don't know how the train of thought got to where it went, but I started thinking about the very same women who had been raped who may not be able to believe there's a God who loves them. Now being forced to carry to term the child of rape - in that one child, both the miracle of life as well as the ugliness of humanity. And how... I guess, how... or.. perhaps why... Why would God choose such a scenario to gift a child unto instead of Zhong Hao and I?

Earlier in the week, I also read the post of a friend who had been hoping for a child for 5 years of marriage. 5 years against my 5 months; cementing my fear that sometimes it may not be a simple matter of "waiting". So, why would God choose to put a child into a scenario of rape, or incest, instead of to marriages vowed in His name?

I do not have the answer. And it is easier to stop believing in a God who chooses to whom He "gifts" a child unto. And perhaps, that'd be my peace. Perhaps, if I chalk it up to the science that God had created in our bodies instead of an active will He acts on in every single minute to whom a child is given, then I can square how a loving God can simultaneously exist in a world that there are children born to rape or incest.

This week, there was also news about a 9-month old baby being found in a flat with drug paraphernalia, with the mother openly doing drugs near him. A nagging question remained in my head - would I step in to care for the baby instead?

I refuse to believe that God "creates" situations to test His children and whether we'd do the right thing e.g. persons with disabilities exist so that society can decide to the loving thing. But I am convinced that God empowers His children to do the loving thing in a broken world. And if Zhong Hao and I will never have children of our own, will we choose to foster and adopt children who needs a home?

I don't know.

[xherecomesthesun]

the rain knows all my secrets

[xherecomesthesun]

“It’s easy to make someone smile. One good bowl of udon is all it takes. Don’t you smile when you eat something good?” — Udon (2006) dir. Katsuyuki Motohiro

[xherecomesthesun]

incredibly lonely.

incredibly, because of how open I've chosen to be about it.

it's been five months, I guess, of trying for a child. That's not a long time, I know. But if you had attempted doing something, and failed five times, you'd think five is often enough.

thing is, we've went for a fertility check and found nothing wrong. comforting news, perhaps, but there are days I'm left wondering why God isn't choosing us to be parents. there are days I'm left wondering if I'm not meant to be a mother. and perhaps it's because I'm impatient, and I don't like not having peace in this.

if there are no generations after me, could I live without bitterness? could I live resting easy in the comfort of God's wisdom, and live purposefully in the security of His will?

it's easy to say sure. it's also easy to say no, every single month, when period comes. it's also easy to say no, with every mysterious pains of the body on every other bloodless days - in the excitement (and hope) that maybe, just maybe, it's finally our time to be parents.

it's easy to oscillate between being okay and not okay, between trusting in God's wisdom and feeling disappointed at what He's dealt for you.

what's not easy is to find a stable equilibrium for me to function in. and it's getting incredibly lonely out here.

"you haven't been trying for long" - like as if there's a minimum number of attempts before my feelings are valid. "you must trust in God's timing" - like as if it's only a matter of waiting.

my husband? he's not in this space with me. my headspace of needing to address these thoughts, of wanting to share these struggles, clashes with his headspace of needing to detach from the expectations of fertility, of wanting to not find reason to blame himself.

so it's incredibly lonely. and I don't know what even God could say to comfort me. maybe I don't want to be comforted. maybe I just want to be heard. to be allowed to feel the things I feel without being told "it's not been too long".

[xherecomesthesun]

“There is no such thing as “chance,” “luck” or “accident” in the Christian’s journey through this world. All is arranged and appointed by God. And all things are “working together” for the believer’s good.”

— J.C. Ryle

[xherecomesthesun]

I don't know how social workers do it.

Being on the front lines hurt. It hurts in the head, it hurts in the heart, just witnessing broken lives, or lives continuing to be broken, or minds making hurtful decisions, and there's.... Very little that you can do.

You can't help counting everything that you have - money, time, even the basic capacity to just *deal* with it; you can't help counting everything and worrying if it's enough, or will stay enough.

And through all this, I have a deeper understanding of this verse:

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6‭-‬7 NKJV

When I was sad about how Zana and her partner were not making the best decisions for themselves - such as rejecting shelter options for Zana because they preferred "to be homeless together", God called to mind how He, of all people, know the frustrations of free will. That He had the BEST option of all for humanity, but some still decide that "ok, nope, not for me". But in His word, He continued to hold out hope. In Hebrews 3:15, we know He said "while it is said: “Today, if you will hear His voice, Do not harden your hearts as in the rebellion.”" So, I knew that there is still hope. And I can, and must, continue to pray for them both.

When I was frustrated that the social worker seemed to put up walls around himself and it felt like barriers to help, God reminded me that noone enters this sector by accident. Every single person that had ever worked in the social service sector had had a seed of love for His people planted in their hearts. And the social worker is the same. And God encouraged me that even if I can't trust the social worker right now, I must trust in Him, and that He can guide the social worker, strengthen Him, enable Him, grant Him wisdom. Do I trust that God is working things out for Zana? I do. I will not trust in men. "Some trust in chariots, and some in horses; But we will remember the name of the Lord our God. Psalms 20:7 NKJV"

When I felt helpless that Zana's partner could be irresponsible at times about their own welfare, God led me to Proverbs 31, which speaks of the virtuous wife, a woman of equal to her husband in managing their household. And I knew to pray that Zana will step up and play her rightful role - and indeed, when her partner couldn't turn up for their appointment, she called the social worker and worked out an alternative.

But God did not just minister to me in my anxieties. No. He was a complete marvel. Through the past two weeks, ZH and I had prayed for their families' reconciliation, and a safe haven for them both. And what did God do?

After a dinner conversation with us, Zana's partner decided that it was unwise to continue to hide the pregnancy, and came clean to his family. His mother had accepted Zana and child warmly, and invited them for meals and sleepovers.

Their medical social worker obtained approval for full subsidy for their delivery charges. They will pay nothing for it.

Poms came over and signed Zana and child up for Kidstart. Not only will she and child receive physical support for 6 years, they will also be connected to a network of resources such as playgroups for child, and support groups for her.

They will be able to move into a rented house from 11 May onwards, way before their EDD of 7 June, at 600/month. Kek will be helping to draft their tenancy agreement, which we believed will protect them with renter's rights.

Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Ephesians 3:20‭-‬21 NKJV

Some of these happened simply because God used us and the people He's placed around us, which really affirmed our decision to simply turn up for them. There are difficult days when anxieties run a bit higher, or living patterns get disrupted, or even judgement from people who disagreed with what we're doing, but looking back, wouldn't we say that the past two weeks had been worth it for what had changed for Zana?

We would. A hundred times over, we would.

When God gives, He truly holds nothing back. This will be stories of God's glory we will tell for many years.