xenax

[xenax]

grieving the child that never got to grow.

grieving the person she could've grown to be.

grieving the mother that never was.

grieving the person i never had a chance to be.

grieving the hope she always had that it would get better.

begrudgingly accepting that i will forever

be missing a piece of myself

that i never got the chance to have.

no parent,

no friend,

no partner,

should ever take pieces of you

or make you feel crazy

for realizing those pieces are missing.

i will never get those pieces back,

only a replacement part.

[xenax]

i find that i am still defending myself from them

they don’t deserve an explanation.

stop defending yourself when there’s no need to.

[xenax]

i’m scared.

i don’t know if i’m getting worse.

i don’t know if i’m getting better.

my heart wants to kill me.

my thoughts want to mutilate me.

my body wants to tear itself apart.

i’m scared i’m going crazy.

scared i don’t know how to pick myself up.

scared that i don’t know how to handle myself.

i’m terrified right now.

[xenax]

“it’s not inherently good, though, its not inherently bad. its the unspoken truths, the existential dread and curiosity

when i think of it, i just think of the universe, it kind of cradles me

its where id like to believe philosophy is born out of.

thats the void, and it has a very distinct feeling.

thats not dread, its the only uncomfortable thing im truly comfortable with.

the void, the abyss, oblivion, theyre all different to me, they are not one in the same, though they each carry vaugly similar feelings to me”

-M.B.

[xenax]

“Do you know what hurts most about a broken heart? Not being able to remember how you felt before.”

— Cassie Ainsworth, Skins

[xenax]

“Letting go of someone who owns your heart is hard. Sometimes holding on to that person is even harder.”

— J. Sterling, The Perfect Game

[xenax]

i’m so tired

i know i’m messed up

traumatized

surviving

not living

i’m trying

so hard

but this pain is eating away at me

i don’t know why it took so long to recognize

but now i can’t stop

[xenax]

“Behind every strong person lies a broken child who had to learn to stand up and take no shit.”

— lonerwolf

[xenax]

you can each keep feeding each others delusions

about me

to ignore taking accountability for your own

actions

that’s okay . I know my truth .

I may have misstepped, but never to the extent

they believe i did

so keep feeding your egos

to avoid reality

make me the bad guy,

make everyone else the bad guy.

it’s all you’ve ever done

and it will be your downfall.

[xenax]

“You have this one life. How do you wanna spend it? Apologizing? Regretting? Questioning? Hating yourself? Dieting? Running after people who don’t see you? Be brave. Believe in yourself. Do what feels good. Take risks. You have this one life. Make yourself proud.”

— Beardsley Jones

[xenax]

my heart has been weighed down by the truth

of what’s happened to me

being torn vein to vein by how it’s affected me

i’m feeling over grown again

my maintenance has since been suspended

since the servicer has been in care

licking the ever growing wounds of reality

[xenax]

looking at my childhood photos

how could anyone hurt her?

why would anyone hurt her?

what did she do to deserve the pain

her own mother put her through?

how could she do that to a child?

she never deserved that pain

she never deserved what happened to her

she was a child

under a narcissists control

[xenax]

there is nothing you can ever do

to fix not being there for me

when i was ready to end it all

there is nothing you can do to fix

calling me schizophrenic

when i sat in the bathtub

repeating myself

spiraling into the abyss

begging anyone to be there for me

and apologizing for even calling for help

[xenax]

the realization that i involuntarily

surrounded myself with narcissistic people

and endured 20 years of mental and emotional

abuse

gaslighting

and consistently being told i’m the problem

and only when i did my best to change

did i realize the abuse continued because i’m

not the problem like i had been told

the conditioning

the trauma responses

they’re immeasurable

my back hurts

because i’m carrying too much

i wonder if anyone will be able to love me

without me having to beg and plead for it

beg and plead to even be cared for

nothing anyone should ever have to do

[xenax]

i’m learning to like my own solitude

maybe even love it

as long as i utilize it correctly

proud of me

[xenax]

there’s just something so hard about getting

out of bed in the morning

so hard to go to work

especially after yesterday

my knuckles hurt

my heart is ever so heavy

i can’t believe i let people treat me that way

i can’t believe i began to treat myself that way

their lies

their manipulation

seeped into my skin

hurting me even further

i allowed them to do this to me

it’s so hard not be mad at myself

[xenax]

staring out that window hoping the next car

is yours

coming to see me

telling me you’re sorry

for calling me those things

yelling at me telling me

i’m schizophrenic

just because

i was breaking

calling me controlling

when all i ever asked for

was reassurance

i don’t know why i would want you

to text me

to see me

to even reach out

in the smallest of ways

fuck you.