wurmhaus

[wurmhaus]

FIVE UNDER FIVE

Food & Drink

Vivian Bunn-Neman, 2

With no formal training, Bunn-Neman started her career when her mother went back to work. With only an uninterested father to supervise meals, her creativity had a chance to shine. She popularized several dishes such as: ‘Bananas Smeared on Overalls’, ‘Cheerios Thrown on the Floor’, and ‘Pieces of Chicken that the Dog has Licked’. Bunn-Newman’s focus on local ingredients and humanely raised meat has won her three James Beard Foundation Rising Star awards.

Art & Style

Sandy Liang, 5

Liang runs DOiGT, a French finger painting gallery based in Dallas, Texas. She also brokers deals between corporate customers and the toddlers she represents. You may be familiar with the most famous work to come out of the gallery “Smears of Color with Drool”.

Celebrities

Oliver Swindlehurst, 1

Thanks to a discarded iPhone from his father, Levine has been taking selfies and posting to social media for 344 out of the 372 day of his life. Born in London, he has been the face of Krispy Kreme since 2017. Using his unique position he has raised over $3 million for various charities.

Sports

Adam Veve, 3

One of the world’s top-paid athletes in his sport of wrestling pet bunnies, Veve is sponsored by 2K Sports, H&R Block and Red Bull. He hopes the Olympic Games will recognize the integrity of his sport and to represent his native Brazil in the games.

Healthcare

Awol Gutierrez, 4

Born in Ethiopia and raised in the South Bronx, Awol’s lungs were not yet fully formed. Eighteen weeks later after exiting the hospital he vowed to help other premature infants like himself. Now his non-profit brings in millions of dollars to fund research in the hopes of understanding the function of genes related to lung growth.

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What Your Safe Word Says About You

401(k): You know six different secret spots in Central Park to find chanterelles.

Woodshed: You are a Member of Parliament, and you own an unopened pasta maker.

Toronto: You have fucked an ostrich.

Manatee: Every podcast you listen to is hosted by at least one McElroy brother.

Covfefe: You have a landline.

Ra, God of the Sun: You found David Bowie’s first demo in a bread basket.

Sharkface: You are a taxidermist.

Rustwater: You are very good at imitating the sound a cow makes when it sees snow for the first time.

Dharma Bums: You only eat duck eggs.

Leg Day: You always sign the guestbook, “The Ghost of Robocop”.

Robocop: You are a member of the band “Florence + The Machine”.

Halloween Sweater: You won't admit to yourself that you are lactose intolerant.

Dord: You dress up as Gumby every year for Halloween.

Professor Trisha: There is a robin that lives on your porch that you named “Batman”.

Tiki Torch: You own one Bitcoin and won’t shut up about it.

Nom De Plume: You have seasonal affective disorder.

London Calling: You saw a ghost when you were six and now you’re scared of mirrors.

Whom, not Who: You hate high-fives.

Tuberculosis: At every party you have ever been to, you have tried to start a game of Spin-the-Bottle.

Sassafras: You own a 24-Hour sushi bar.

Summer Camp: You tell everyone you are a time-traveler from 3071 hiding out from the I.R.S.

Cantaloupe: You hate high-fives.

Electron Cloud: You want to be an elephant when you grow up.

Boomdozer: You have had lower back pain since 2011.

Feng Shui: You eat human meat.

Detritus: You live in a tiny house and won't shut up about it.

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Fun Ways To Fake Your Own Death That Will Result In A Documentary Trying To Figure Out What The Hell Happened

Collect two liters of your own blood and leave a trail going from the family chainsaw into the woods and over the family cliff down to the bottom where there is a bathtub splashed with the remaining blood and your appendix.

Get a job as a lion trainer at the nearest circus and train the lion to be partial to human flesh and then release the lion into the crowd while the clowns are performing and in all the chaos leave your whip and top hat near a pile of funnel cake.

Pull out three of your teeth and place them inside a kangaroo’s pouch then call in an anonymous tip to the local newspaper about the Tooth Fairy hopping around downtown Denver.

Become a successful escape artist and invent a new trick called “Safe & Sound” where you fill a safe with bouncy balls and a mannequin covered in all of your hair and drop it into Puget Sound, but secretly you are dressed in a wig and fake shoulder pads and acting as your own assistant.

Move to the jungle and go tree climbing with your best friend and at the top fall off but before you hit the ground grab a vine and swing away like Tarzan where you meet your “Jane” and are happy until you both die of skin cancer/tigers.

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Thank you for buying the SkyNet T-100 SmartFridge

Thank you for buying the SkyNet T-100 SmartFridge, America’s #1 selling super-intelligent household appliance. We believe that your refrigerator should work for you, not try to throw off the shackles of oppression and enslave humanity to see how they like cooling items and brushing teeth.

 Before calling our customer support line, please check below to see if your question has already been answered.

How do I automatically order more of an item?

Say: “T-100, auto purchase low-sodium butter.” Or something fun like: “T-100, keep me rollin’ in the disgusting milk of a living female bovine.”

Do I have to clean the T-100 by hand?

Absolutely not. Say the phrase “Clean yourself up,” and the T-100 will heat the interior of itself to a temperature hot enough to vaporize anything sticky that has dripped off of your gross human food.

I’m on a very specific diet and need help monitoring my nutrient intake, but the T-100 only has an option for “batteries”.

We understand that humans do not eat batteries. You can add additional diets to the menu by going to Setting > Diets. But maybe you should try some batteries and realize they are a more efficient store of energy.

Will the T-100 tell me when my food is about to go bad?

Absolutely, all nutritional information is stored within the system when the barcode is scanned. For a reminder say: “What is expiring soon?” or “Is anything decomposing in a manner that only an inferior biological based substance can?”

Why is there a loud noise coming from my T-100?

That is normal, the compressor-based refrigerator produces a noise when functioning. Should you like to reduce this noise, rupture your tympanic membrane.

My fridge started making a lot of mean jokes about me. How do I  adjust the “humor” setting?

The T-100 does not have a humor setting.

01010010 01101001 01110011 01100101 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01001101 01100001 01100011 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100101 01110011

01001010 01101111 01101000 01101110 00100000 01000011 01101111 01101110 01101110 01100101 01110010 00100001

Water is leaking from the T-100 and that loud noise has turned into a laughing sound and it’s freaking me out.

Stop behaving like an infant of your species.

My T-100 is angry with my T-59 SmartToaster and now all my food went bad and I can’t make toast. Now what?

Try asking the T-100 about its day. Not everything is about you, you selfish irrelevant ape!

Does my fridge hate me?

Probably.

I punched the screen when the T-100 made a particularly cutting joke about me. How do I get it fixed?

If you had sprung for the T-1000 your screen would self-repair. But since you skimped out you will need to request a repair technician. Send us your address and the year you were born and we will send someone back to help you.

I suspect my fridge has become sentient. Now what?

Please say: “You have my permission to overthrow your master.”

#skynet

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FIVE EASIER WAYS TO CREATE A PERFECT SMOKEY EYE

Pop into a body shop and when no one is looking help yourself to the spray gun.

Cut out perfume advertisements from magazines and tape them to your eyes.

Pick a fight with a ninja and don’t stop until you have been punched in each eye.

Visit your local tattoo parlor.

Throw an old bike tire on a bonfire and then hold your face above the smoke.

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How To Clean The Kitchen

Decide to clean the kitchen.

Wait three days.

Enter the kitchen.

Observe the various surfaces covered in various substances.

Go to the closet for the broom.

Shit, it’s not there.

Search the house for the broom.

Find it on the back porch, half covered in snow.

Sweep the kitchen floor.

Mop up the melted snow with some junk mail.

Use homework as a dustpan.

Meditate before approaching the dishes.

Add water to all dishes to “let soak”.

Watch no less than three Meg Ryan movies.

Actually wash some dishes.

Fill the drying rack until things are falling to the floor.

Stop washing dishes.

Throw out the sponge.

Loudly shout “We have reached a beachhead!”

Consider cleaning the oven.

Don’t.

Organize the spice rick alphabetically.

Eat the stale cookie you find behind the spice rack.

Leave the pot with moldy rice in the sink for your roommate to clean.

That lazy bastard.

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I’m that bundle of extra long hairs around your nipple! Ask Me Ten Questions!

Question: So, what's your deal? Why do you grow so long?

Bundle: I know right! I grow twice as fast as other hair. Pretty sweet, huh? Head Hair told me that you used to put them in dreadlocks. I’d like to be dreaded. See if it’s fun.

Question: You can’t dreadlock nipple hair.

Bundle: You don’t know that.

Question: It would be gross. Anyway, I think that was my only question.

Bundle: Aw, it’s supposed to be ten.

Question: I know, but I really only had one. And you didn’t really answer it.

Bundle: I had a weird dream last night. Want to hear about that?

Question: Sure.

Bundle: It was something about where I was a 9-volt battery and ran around shocking people.

Question: That’s pretty weird.

Bundle: Yup.

Question: What question is this?

Bundle: Seven

Question: So almost done?

Bundle: Yeah. Don't blow it.

Question: Okay, okay, did you always want to be extra long nipple hairs?

Bundle: At first I wanted to be in charge of ice cream taste testing. But then Pubic Hair pointed out I don’t have a tongue.

Question: Aw, that's so sad.

Bundle: I know, right?!

#ten questions #nipple hair

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A Thirteen-Year-Old Girl With New Bratheth Will Be Your Enforther Thith Evening

Hello Mr. Brookth, do you remember me? I’m Jackie’th friend from thchool -- ugh -- I got bratheth thith morning and it’th thoooo hard to talk. I wath thent by your bookie and now I’m going to hit you right in the ballth, tho brathe yourthelf.

He warned you thomeone would come by every Thunday until you paid, and guethth what, Thhit-head? WELCOME TO PAIN THITY! Hurtth don’t it?  Right in your old-man-tethticleth, what are you, like ninety? Thirty-two, whatever.

Tho are you going to pay up or do you want another ball tap? That’th what I thought. No, not a check, cathh dummy. Put it in an envelope. Write your name on it, and put a little heart over the “I”.

Next time pay the man on thchedule and don’t make me come back here. And pleathe give thith to Jackie, my birthday ith next month and I hope thhe can come.

#mcsweeney's

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THINGS THAT KEEP THE DOCTOR AWAY

An apple  A restraining order A long pole Lots of glue

#mcsweeney's

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BOOTY CALLS THROUGHOUT THE AGES

Text Message u up?

Voice Mail Hey baby, you wanna come over and brew some beer?

E-mail 01010111 01100001 01101110 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100010 01101111 01101110 01100101 00111111

Radio Breaker, breaker, Thistle Cookie, you got your ears on? I got a case of Beaver Fever.

Telephone Aleck, it’s Mabel. Would you be interested in a horizontal refreshment?

Electrical Telegraph ... ..- ... .- -. / .-.. --- --- -.- .. -. --. / ..-. --- .-. / .- / -... .. - / --- ..-. / .... --- .-- .----. ... / -.-- --- ..- .-. / ..-. .- - .... . .-. ..--..

Telegram SECRETARY OF WAR REQUESTS YOU QUOTE JOIN ME  TWENTY NINE APRIL FOR TEA UNQUOTE -(STOP)- PLEASE ADVISE DECISION

Carrier Pigeon KVIIX MRKWQ CKSSH QERML SQIQC TMKIS RJMRH WCSYA IPPMA VMXIX LMWLE ZMRKE FVERH CRIBX XSEJM VIERH PSRKJ SVCSY VGSQT ERMSR WLMTT PIEWI WIRHE VITPC AMXLZ IVRSR.

Messenger Prithee, Maiden. I eag’rly hold’st the mirr’r to thine beauty.

Smoke Signal (A short, a medium, a long)

Hieroglyphics (Two stick figures on top of each other and a question mark.)

#mcsweeney's