writingthingsout

[writingthingsout]

no idea what this will be about

27/5/17 so of course this will be about me and my feelings and all the cute little concepts l fry my brain with all day. l actually want to memo myself with this post. ln a few months time when the current insecurities about the future have been exchanged for new ones, l want to have a reference about what patterns l fall into when l'm confronted with "big decisions". 1. l feel like l have to decide something. But actually there is nothing to decide. There may be information to be acquired or people to be contacted but l've identified those steps already. l just feel l can't be patient with not knowing yet. There are always moments were l am able to relax and relax into the current moment. Then, l see with a bit of distance the senselessness of my thoughts. Like l have no clearly defined question l'm thinking about. Just this nervous hum that says: l don't know yet how the future will map out yada yada what should l do now yada yada l wonder why l can't just enjoy the sun yada yada well you could but shouldn't you figure put what you are gonna do with your future yada yada (repeat constantly and preferably stand still, glued to the ground whilst the record spins). 2. l feel like l must be serious and l can't be playful. There's some weird category of what constitutes serious. This one really stands in the way of starting to do something, anything. 3. An unpleasant mix of guilt and "this shouldn't be like this and l hope this phase will pass quickly". Those are the so-called negative emotions. Then, there's also cool stuff. 1. talking to people and hearing that they go through similar struggles 2. knowing that nothing is permanent 3. exercising and thereby getting into my body 4. treating all the above phenomena with some curiosity. 5. telling myself that l can only try stuff (instead of having to make the "right" decision) 6. Remembering that my intuition led me in the right direction (that's how l see it now) last time l had to make a decision and so why not trust in that happening again. 7. what the fuck am l going on about. write lists. do the stuff and in between, don't worry too much about the normal pitfalls of a transitional period. (do you remember how you tensed up during exams when you told yourself, you needed to be all relaxed when it would have been more constructive if you had just accepted that some phases are exhausting, annoyed and just not so flow oriented). ok thx, l think l will sleep now. it's ok. the train can find the destination by its self...

[writingthingsout]

Writing things out

20/5/17

what actually happens when l write things digitally with the potential of others reading it (with this tumblr it’s either friends and family by referral or people randomly stumbling across it…which is unlikely because l am not using any hashtags).

Quite a few things happen. l write that for example to show that l am an aware person. Maybe l wouldn’t write it in my private journal. So the most important phenomenon is that writing with some kind of audience confronts me with my self-image and thus my vulnerability.

lt provides an exercise in “can l write that? lt would make me appear….(insert some form of insecurity).” And if l then do actually write it and see that nothing “bad” happens that too is a therapeutic experience. l experience that the self-image containing “l am like x which means l cannot show y” is just an illusion, a prison. l experience a similar effect when l share information with someone that falls in the category of “l don’t like to feel or think y because l would prefer x/ l should be feeling x etc.” When someone listens with kindness and doesn’t try to change me then l realize the prison bars that l have created for myself.

l am enjoying this type of semi-public writing because l am taking myself both more and less seriously.

More seriously because l am putting more effort in giving that what is flying around in my head and going through my body a space and a clearly defined frame. l have to abide by the rules of logic etc. and want to maintain the self image of someone writing all self-reflectedly and with a bit of humor and also with words like self-reflectedly. When l write on paper l sometimes just scribble something and am rather hurried and impatient.

Less seriously because l am showing myself how l am. l am not hiding myself.

So, l am reopening the option of writing things out. Yay!

[writingthingsout]

silence has some color

so as with the paper version of my journals there are phases when l barely write. mostly, those are times when things are running smoothly and there's just not so much mental baggage l am grappling with. so all is good. that doesn't mean things will stay that way. and good is just the word we use to signal there's no need to do stuff to change what is. maybe, to put things more precisely, all is a lot calmer. l am not so eager to change something (or in the case of mid february: everything). l put this down to internally making peace with my father and mother. that has realigned me as a child in the natural order of the life givers father and mother. things were mixed up, they often are. l'm grateful for the opportunity to find clarity. A child is overwhelmed with the problems of the grown ups and in its naivety it tries to solve them with some form of (over)compensation. those patterns are then pretty deeply engrained in your psyche and your mode of seeing the world. For example, if the mother feels a lack of support from the father of the child, the child will try to (subconsciously) fill the role of the father. the child will only see the father through the eyes of the mother and thus feel resentment towards the father. The mother will also try to compensate for the lack she feels in the father. when the child is aged it will for example use grown up methodology to criticize the father. and towards the mother there will be a lack of trust because the child chose a role of a grown up towards the mother and could not be the "little one". this is only an example. it is very broad and of course it never is exactly like this. the natural order requires the now grown up child to have the father and mother behind him or her. so make peace with thy parents. they gave you life, the most precious gift! with love and gratitude

[writingthingsout]

beautiful struggle

beautiful life all that can happen in time (a month) love conquers all

[writingthingsout]

C U again

So the cue of the world moving by and german people scowling has prompted some writing again. l feel like l'm steadily getting better at this (til l get stuck and then realign, readjust, riri). this is life. l talked to my mom today and suggested we be mindful of what stuff we share. That felt good. After being woken by the chimney sweeper, offering him some coffee (l'm conciliatory) and cleaning my kitchen, l went through old printed photos (that had been unsorted. l wonder how other people "deal" with such emotional -material things. l sorted them my categories and threw away a few but kept the bulk. Not that important and l know - as many books on minimalism say - the connection to people isn't lost if the photo/material manifestation is chucked out. lt'a just a barometer for letting go. Oh, and l'm so grateful for art in form of music. That's all and that's enough.

[writingthingsout]

raw cooked

7/3/17 l'm in the train. precious writing time. but all the time issues are self-created. so by the impression of this journal is all about mental health and me writing how friggin stable l feel. by the impression of my little head (mind) and heart that is true but there's also this parallel universe of falling in love or having fallen already and the mind maybe trying to catch up...and that's why real life shit like logistics, like train catching ain't easy. but l made it and l'll also make the other things. l tell myself. the last days have been intense. both for the general day to day living and for the time stands still exchange of love bird energy that words don't really cover and that's why poetry and art exists and when does this sentence end? basics. what have l been doing... today got up without an alarm at about 9smth did yoga and meditation talked to my uncle talked to my spiritual brother went shopping drank lots if aqua throughout the morning at my first meal of the day consisting of cheese bread butter bündner fleisch more bread honey almond butter and sanddorn juice (can't be bothered to find the english translation) and then some coffee and an hour of messaging back and forth with the woman (yessss, the woman...balkan energy). then we talked on the phone and then we decided we'll try a normal weekday night with work the next day for both of us. and then came some sudden packing, and some sudden running and some slalom running through an ocean of people at the main station. but l made it. and love conquers all. l could have taken a blabla car or could have my own car but it's all perfectly imperfect just the way it is and changes every moment to moment. Yesterday l woke up from a night in which l had tons to eat in the evening and then in the night l downed a litre of milk. love metabolism. so, l write, l awoke as if it's some achievement. but the sleeping part is the achievement. even if it needs lots if fatty food to weigh me down. love wings can take you up high. l did yoga and meditation. went shopping. then ate. l remember two cinnamon thingys, left over coconut prawn broccoli spicy soup. then a colleague from work (did you manage to find this blog;-)) gave me an expert view of internet marketing, security and design. it was extremely helpful and he's so modest about it all. then as l headed off to practice l met one of our students and talked shortly before just about making it to the mat and then sweating out the days toxins. after practice l ate with my mentor, friend and plain awesome buddy. we had lamb sausages, salad, rolls, with plenty of mayonnaise and mustard and then some more rolls and some hard boiled eggs and then l had some more sweets in form of honey waffles and nougat biscuits. we talked about addictive personality, discipline, rules...life. sunday woke up and rode my bike to the park. worked out under the rapidly changning rainy and then sunny sky (bipolar weather). dipped into the lake. then met the lovely lady (we have this habit of making the meetings unnecessarily dramatic...like we could have just met at the stop near to my home...but l did a while biking from stop to stop and then carrying my bike in the metro and texting and then being like: hi. and she was like: hi. and then we hung out together. and it was nice. and that's an understatement. l'm about to arrive...

[writingthingsout]

Seriousness/taking thing lightls...the past, the future and now, now, now

3/3/17

So, writing about the past as in that what I experienced a few weeks ago felt ok. I felt good about sharing it with family and friends. it felt contained, capped. maybe because it also felt so distant. like a trip, drug or travel, that one has returned from and now writes about.

Yesterday, thoughts arose about the past (as in my whole twenties) and the future.

Here’s the intro:

About the past: I’ve always said I haven’t gone through “proper” depression. I’ve been down but always had a life situation explanation. Like the pressure of exams. And in that there was always the obvious genetic predisposition looming above, around me. 

In the past I held rather strong opinions about low-energy states (depression) and their implication for one’s development. Like it was important to feel the heavy shit for it told you what you wanted and didn’t want. My mother, contrarily, sees at least her own affliction as metabolic disease. that not only legitimizes the use of medication but calls for it.

It does, in the now, open up this whole debate about the inherent nature of the body and mind, about psychological illness, about medicine, about our societal system. big stuff.

Also, to make this inner debate transparent:

I have been medicating for my whole adult life: with THC. With an exception from 2011 to 2016. I believe there is a lot of misinformation about the substance that stems from its recreational use, the munchies and it being such an individual drug. For me it always was a stimulant and brought about a mild manic trip. Lots of love for everything, life, food, sensual experience. Never really felt stoned. (I did from taking olanzapine for a few days during or to end the last manic bout...). So it’s not black and white but I certainly cannot sincerely say I haven’t been taking medication.

That raises the question: medication for what? Easily, people and primarily my mother, will and did say, not to consume THC, especially with my history. I think, the important question is the why. Right now it’s not acute. I have no desire the consume THC. But it leads to the future and the larger question of how to handle my mental quirks/illness.

About the future: I’ve been reading stuff about bipolar disorder and in one way it’s freaking me out and I feel my mother’s worries are proportionate and l should be taking meds etc. and on the other hand [in the now] l feel calm and don't want my emotionality made to be an illness as long as l  not harming myself or others.

Also, I feel I have to add some other “meds” to the picture. Meds that one has to take daily, too and that are pretty powerful. I take a whole set of those and they have and are saving my life on the daily (to be clear and not thoughtlessly provoke unnecessary worry: I have never been suicidal). So those meds are:

Meditation as in practicing to let go, Meditation on death

Movement with breath (Yoga, Martial Arts)

Mhealthy Diet and preparation of food

Probably, the average medical practitioner will roll his or her eyes and say, those are beneficial things to do on the side but they are not “strong” enough.

My answer is and has to be nuanced. anything else would be reducing the obvious complexity of the situation.

An acute state of mania with sleep deprivation as I have experienced 2003, 2011 and 2017, some sort of medication to help me come and calm the fuck down is necessary. at least I have subjectively wanted the help of medication. The nuance here is that I want to control dosage and certainly not be forced to take stuff (that’s another topic to be written out another time).

Otherwise, I feel pretty stable in taking my other “own” meds. I only took olanzapine for five days and in reduced dosage. It’s not that I’m bent on some heroic I don’t need to take meds like my mum trip (although there is some of that in me) but I just feel there is no need. and I feel I’ve proven that to myself and am proving it daily. That’s why I have to be even more obsessive about the other meds (important sidenote: it’s not about the identity as a meditator, mover or healthy eater...it’s about consistently practicing letting go, flexibility and self-love).

There is a question which goes something like this: you’re bipolar...what will happen when depression strikes...will you then take meds, take THC, hurt yourself, just really fucking suffer hard...? I don’t have a particular answer, only I am humbly ready for whatever comes in life...

I think it’s best described by buddhist monk Pema Chodron in the audio book “unconditional confidence” which I have been listening to often in 2016 during the hardest time in my life (separation pain):

https://www.amazon.de/Unconditional-Confidence-Instructions-Meeting-Experience/dp/1591797462

Writing is also a medicine and going out into nature (which the sunny (!) sky is calling for...)

Love, lots of it, for myself and the people around me

[writingthingsout]

Pumpkins

2/3/17

A few things. personal. maybe less personal. I start writing but I don’t know how long I’ll last (discipline?).

First, the surreal world of pain, money and healing. Whilst grocery shopping, I happened to see a voucher for 7 free back pain treatments. As I had been experiencing some lower back pain lately and due to my build have always tended to be a little hunched (Larry King anyone)...I would deny this any day, but it’s true.

So, I turn up at this place run by the Vital Medical Germany GmbH and a bunch of older than me (50ish to 70ish) people happily greet me with a knowing smile. I was expecting some individual treatment but I was soon to see that this was serious group healing or something like that. First, with a number card in hand, one listens to a screechy eastern european woman talk about how fucked up our backs are and how the doctors don’t really have time. then we do a few forceful out breaths and clap our hands and chant something about getting healthy. after that - feeling like louis theroux - we are led to a lazaret of massage beds. the treatment itself is pretty pleasant. not like human hands (much better the sect mother assures...her voice amplified annoyingly through loud speakers) but pretty strong (like a thai massage) and there is added warmth from the electrical massage balls. it’s pretty pleasant, I doze off and the russian dude next to me is groaning heavily.

I know that after my 7th free treatment they will start pushing me for a permanent sign up and I will be super teflon like I was with scientology, Jehova’s witnesses and so on. It’s all good. I’m not hating. it’s just funny how healing and capitalism mixes. it says something about our health care system and how we people tend to only really value shit if costs money.

The other write-worthy experience happened during meditation today. yesterday, I was freaking out for most of the hour about a pumpkin (that had a few bad sketchy pieces and I considered taking it back, complaining or eating it, risking an upset stomach or dramatically throwing it out...of the window...then I started fucking cursing the pumpkin). today, I rapidly cycled between all types of feelings and thoughts. and then the alarm rings and I get on with my day. fucking pumpkin (I ate it, cut the bad pieces off. it tasted good).

In the morning I think so heavily about my life, the world. about plans, about other people, about women, about sex. all in my head. my body is somewhat disconnected. then, after I eat (I skip breakfast...if you hate on this match my productivity...I know how I have suffered through stomach pain and brain fog in the morning...and yes, this can change any day). now, as I’m writing at 6pm I’m not up in my head, my feet aren’t cold, I’m grounded, not really giving too much of a fuck about anything (except for freedom...that I seem to give quite many fucks about...also the freedom to use fuck in every other sentence...I feel like Mark Manson).

What else?

I feel pretty equanimous.

[writingthingsout]

Writing in the evening after an adventurous day

1/3/17

It’s shortly before 11pm and I’m not that tired yet because I slept late (’til around 10:30am) and had an intense martial arts practice.

Today, was a funny day. But it kind of starts with yesterday. Yesterday, two women told me stuff that made me question myself in a way I haven’t done in a long while...

One was a friend from school days, an aquarius sister and has been an incredibly important companion in my last year, especially during the separation. She got through to me with regards to my feelings towards my core family. Mother, father and brother. I don’t want to go into deep right now but it certainly changed my perspective. and it made me question my beliefs and admit a few inconvenient truths...

The other one was the woman I know little over two weeks but feel that she sees right through me from the first moment we met (when I was in some parallel universe). I have previously always felt somewhat in control in my relationships, in terms of psychologically figuring the other person out. At least I believed I was.

Yesterday, I felt on totally figured out by her (she happens to have worked as a psychiatrist...) and it felt...new...scary and brought me firmly down on the ground (maybe a few inches below).

So with those experiences in my system, a not too calm night I woke up today feeling a little shaky and shaken...

After a yoga session and a very challenging and long mediation session I felt like, can I just get on with my life. nothing fancy. nothing special. nothing dramatic. just basic day to day. moment to moment. I’m fucking privileged. 

Then I made some food and wanted to take the rubbish down. half way down the stairs I realized I had my school key in my hands. Not the house key. 

I felt a wave of “you’re incapable of just getting on with life...something like that has never happened to you...something is wrong with you...the wave didn’t go on for too long because I got my wonderful neighbors involved. After some tea and Persian sweets we developed a patented mechanism and after some trial and error finally opened sesame..

Afterwards, we had some more tea and talked for hours about family, life, politics and religion. so one of those good comes from bad situations.

Martial Arts practice was really good, a black-belt from Australia led the practice today and I was really happy with my performance. I could see how the stuff I had been training over the last weeks really paid off. 

now, off to bed. a beautiful day, nothing fancy but beautiful.

خدا را شکر

thank god

[writingthingsout]

Freedom

28/2/17

is what it’s about.

Freedom to show myself and freedom not to do so.

[writingthingsout]

Consequences, Questions, the need to be understood and most importantly of all: Freedom

27/2/17

Hmmm....

Monday morning, today I don’t feel like writing. I feel tired and a little edgy. Interestingly enough I slept a solid 8 hours or so without interruption.

Today, I’m not so comfortable with sharing thoughts online. With others. Obviously, I am by no means forced to do so but I am interested why it is the case. Maybe it has to do with my brother asking me to remove his name from a previous journal entry and warning me that future employers would not employ me. I’m not sure what he meant exactly but it triggers – for me – the question of showing oneself/myself in the way I am. Which is not a permanent state. But showing myself the way I am currently.

That raises the question for self reflection: how am I currently? How do I want to be currently? Is how I am pathological? What is my illness? 

However these questions will be answered I have the freedom to explore them. Make mistakes. Make “wrong” interpretations. Correct what I said yesterday. Listen to other people’s opinions. Dismiss other people’s opinions...

That is freedom. Freedom probably is one of my highest values.

So, how am I doing currently?

In this very moment, I feel stable. Confident. Over the last months (when do such processes start and finish?) I have become less concerned with other people’s opinions of me. To be more precise: I have become less concerned with what I think other people my think of me. 

That does not mean I am unaware of what consequences my behavior has. I’m just less attached to the outcome.

OK, that all sounds pretty good. Why then are a lot of people concerned (this is not me imputing anything...I know this for a fact...hi mum, hi brother)? I think, their concern is that I have a mental illness and that a mental illness is bad. 

Do I have a mental illness? What is it called?

I don’t know. On my sick note it says “F.30″

F.30 stands for 

- Manische EpisodeIn der Medizin bezeichnet die Manie ein psychisches Krankheitsbild, das mit einer Störung der Gefühlswelt, des Gefühlserlebens und der Gefühlsäußerungen einhergeht. Die Manie kommt fast nur als Teilerscheinung einer manisch-depressiven Erkrankung vor. Die Kranken haben grundlos eine gehobene Stimmung und gute Laune, sind besonders leistungsfähig und brauchen kaum Schlaf. Alle Lebensgefühle sind gehoben, sie fühlen sich körperlich außerordentlich wohl und haben einen krankhaften Tatendrang. Sie überschätzen ihre eigenen Fähigkeiten, finanziellen Mittel und die eigene Attraktivität deutlich. Dieser Größenwahn, also die vollkommen haltlose Überschätzung und Überbewertung der eigenen Person, kann so weit gehen, dass der Kranke glaubt er könne fliegen. Darauf folgt meist eine depressive Episode, in der sich die Stimmung und Gedankeninhalte komplett umkehren. Die Manie kann auch mit den Krankheitszeichen einer Schizophrenie kombiniert sein (schizoaffektive Psychose). (http://www.netdoktor.de/Service/ICD-Diagnose/F30-Manische-Episode-40441.html)

From reading that I can see that somethings are “true” when I refer to the phase from February the 9th to roughly February the 19th. Somethings definitely aren’t true. And no, I didn’t think I could fly.

For me, the decisive factor is S L E E P. And lack of it. Sleep deprivation adversely affects the brain and cognitive function.[2] However, in a subset of cases sleep deprivation can, paradoxically, lead to increased energy and alertness and enhanced mood; it has even been used as a treatment for depression (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_deprivation)...

...oh, and sleep deprivation may result in...drum beats...

Mania aka F.30. 

(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mania)

Now that’s some fucking “chicken or egg” conundrum.

To me personally, it’s not that relevant. ( I mean, there is a lot of potential analysis there...also, the whole additional bio-chemistry of falling in love...).

Right now, all I care is about how to manage the adverse effects.

The adverse effects that I experienced and  don’t necessarily want to experience again were:

panic attacks (especially in the night)

inability to handle certain emotional stress (especially with certain people...hi mum)

(Side note: I was not violent against anyone, I did not spend shit loads of money, I did however rearrange my apartment rather nicely...).

My weird humor was there all along. 

OK, back to the topic:

Managing the adverse effects.

What worked?

A combination of sleep and medicine. 

The panic attacks completely subsided after the first good nights sleep (from wednesday, feb 15 to thursday feb 16...which coincided with taking the medicine for the first time and the performance of a shamanic ritual.

The ability to handle stress got better with increased sleep and when my mom left . I know that these lines may hurt her. She may feel that she did something wrong or that it’s generally deplorable that a mother-son relationship causes stress. I don’t know. I can only speak for myself and establish:

it was very helpful and necessary that my mother was there for me

it was necessary that she left again

it was necessary for my stress levels 

I feel there is so much I could delve into with more depth and detail. And I may do so soon. But for now, I want to get on with my life and every day tasks and I feel stable enough to do so.

To end this entry

T H A N K  you wonderful people who have supported me throughout this journey.

Thank you, mother for doing the mother’s job better than anyone could do on this planet (that sounds manic...thank you mother for being there for me in the way only mothers can be)

Thank you, father for being there with wisdom, unconditional support and a certain calm that probably comes with age.

Thank you, brothers. In the biological sense and in the emotional sense. You have been in-fucking-credible. You know who you are.

Thank you, wonderful females. For being who you are and doing what you do. You too know who you are.

and as some would say:

thanks god 

[writingthingsout]

awrite, mate

26/2/17

it's half past five and l'm sitting in front if the museum store . l accompanied a friend to the station. we talked for three hours straight. l talked and he listened with great empathy and understanding. we hadn't seen eachother for over a year and thus l told him about all the important stuff that has happened since. l told him about: the separation, the phases that came afterwards what happened 2011 including why l train martial arts and what happened in the psychiatric ward  what happened in the last three weeks including the fears, the parallels to 2011 and all the good people around me who helped me avoid a repeat of 2011 l've just been drinking mate tea all day and l'm grateful that in addition to writing things down l have friends who will listen to my story with loving patience. thanks.

[writingthingsout]

Sunday Cadence

Sunday. Quiet. Calm.

Sipping Mate.

About to see a friend I haven’t seen in a while.

Not planning on going outdoors.

[writingthingsout]

Never give up on someone with a mental illness. When “I” is replaced by “we”, illness becomes wellness.

Shannon L. Alder (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[writingthingsout]

The Beginning (again)

I started writing on penzu and have now switched to tumblr.

Here are the 3 journal entries from penzu (I’ve deleted the account because they send too much E-Mail Spam)

23/2/17 

I have decided to start using an online journal. I have been journaling on and off with analog journals since around 2005. I have flirted with blogging, certainly with the lifestyle of a writer and I do have quite a lot of thoughts flying about in my head. Writing helps me figure stuff out, as does speaking to people. So not much is lost in starting this online journal with penzu.

My fears to begin with are that I will 

-not be consistent (so what?)

-miss writing with a pen (then write with a pen)

-more online clutter (you still have your physical journal)

Fears aside I want to use these pages to share what's going on with me, in my life and to help me reflect on the sometimes overwhelming intensity of feelings and external influences.

Also, I want to use this journal to give my dad  daily updates about how I'm doing because there has been some worry lately.

So, today, on the 23rd of February I am doing good. Pretty good.

1. I'm currently experimenting with polyphasic sleep (in contrast to monophasic sleep which is what most western people – except college students – do as in sleeping through the night for around 5-9 hours). My sleep rhythm (no alarm used, currently not having to go to work) has been something like this:

Going to bed between 10-11pm feeling pleasantly tired. Waking up 2-3hours later. Spending 1-2hours awake, mostly clearing or today preparing some kimchi, then going back to bed and sleeping another 2-3 hours. I naturally (without an alarm) woke up at 7:37 am, feeling fresh and ready to go. In the afternoon, I have a nap of around 10-20min. It's to early to make any grand statements or rave about the benefits but for the time being it's pretty good. I feel rested and am focused during the time I am awake.

2. I am currently also experimenting with intermittent fasting which means I skip breakfast and have a hearty lunch (a big salad with avocado, spinach and feta cheese and a smoked trout).

24/2/17 

l'm currently sitting in the train. this evening l will have a study group. we are meeting at someone's home and their address is fegefeuer, which considering my recent affliction with syncronicity and symbolism is...now just funny and makes me smile.

Also the beautiful sunshine makes me smile. l feel energized and l slept through the night for the first time in a while. l went to bed around 11pm after an intense technical martial arts lab session with friends. l ate three thick spoons of peanut butter with a date each. during the night l only woke once when - symbolic references aside- one of the pictures l had hanging above my bed fell down. l woke up at shortly past 7am. 

25/2/17 (unfinished excerpt) 

l'm sitting in a train again for my journal entry. l have mixed some coconut oil into my coffee and can only smile how the universe/life works. on wednesday the 15th of february, l remember vividly talking on the phone to my father whilst walking (stumbling) along the riverbank in lübeck. l was sleep deprived, manic and gradually imploding. 

to walk through the same town with a clear head and enough sleep in my system felt great and brought up a lot of feelings of gratitude.

l phoned my father and we talked and reflected. l used the methaphor of landing the plane. Last week l was desperately trying to do so by myself (ego ego ego). the pilot was sleep deprived and overwhelmed. l felt the first step to landing and regaining control came by my mother coming to stay with me. but l'm getting ahead of myself. the first step for me being able to accept my mother to come and help me and save the burning flame came by way of martial arts.

in that wednesday the pilot on an ego trip called a friend and asked him that we please fight because l needed some kind if chanel for the overwhelming emotions l was feelings. luckily l have martial arts in my life and luckily l have this friend in my life. 

we fought hard. didn't talk a word. then my friend who is a far superior and more experienced fighter had me in a position where he could have closed a body triangle (imagine his legs closing around my torso). l had a pre-existing injury around my abdomen, My friend knew about that but by the rules of fighting it was up to me to tap (give up) in this situation. he was not obliged to be gentle with me. he was however. he didn't close the body triangle and that caused a sudden insight.