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Something I think about a lot is how Rick Riordan very rarely uses "girlfriend/boyfriend" to refer to Percy and Annabeth within their perspectives. They're so intertwined, even Annabeth says in hoh that the word boyfriend isn't strong enough, because Percy was a part of her. They are a singular soul, too wrapped around each others' fates that regular labels are far too weak for them. But, Rick Riordan uses "boyfriend" a lot in Nico and Wills perspectives, not because they love each other less than percabeth, but to show how much the word means to them. Nico uses it any chance he gets- "his boyfriend," "he actually had a boyfriend," because Nico has never been able to say that before. Their struggle with their queer identities mixed with Nico's catholic guilt and chronic everyone-hates-me disease makes the fact that he has someone to call his actual boyfriend so much more important to his character development.

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Me: damn this situation I'm in sure isn't ideal, what am I gonna do about this

Suicidal Ideation Man who lives in my brain: perhaps I have a suggestion ☝️🤓

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stomach hurts from hunger. stomach hurts from eating. what the hell do yuou want from me you stupid fucking organ

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"I would kill for you. I would die for you" would you take a break for me? Would you sit down and rest? For a day, a week, a year? Would you let others take care of your needs for me? Would you let yourself be held for me? By me?

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my most controversial ship? heh…the Thomas W Lawson

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Thera the deaf ferret gets a surprise!

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because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

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Goals for next month:

1. be gayer

2. fiber arts, probably

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come on guys we need more lesbian posts

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i am so spineless. i said i wouldn't talk to her anymore because i think she's with someone else now and it hurts too much. i said i would leave the group chat because this one friend is being kind of shitty to me recently and it would probably make everyone happier if i left. but i do want to talk to her and i don't want to leave. so guess who just talked to her in the chat? me, because i am spinless

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i want this so bad. i want her to hold me and talk and let the world melt away. i feel so lonely in a way no friend could fix and nobody else will ever fill. i'm so pathetic! she's so strong and over me and happy and possibly even in love and i'm aching for her. i won't be deleting this because the last few times she saw stuff anyway before i had the chance and why am i so worried about protecting her feelings when she destroyed me?

i want to hold her in my arms, her body pressed against mine. i want to kiss her gently and look in her eyes, telling her how much i love her. i want to take her on dates and get to know her again. i want to put my head on her lap and play mario party. i want to try new games with her and fail miserably but laugh with her about it. i want to try new restaurants and share appetizers with her. i want to go to karaoke and sing with her. i want to bring her home after a walk in the cold and warm up under the covers. i want to hold her hand and ice skate like i swore i would get good enough to do this year. i want to rest my head on her chest and hear her heartbeat, match my breathing up with hers, and fall asleep between whispers of "i love you"s. i want to try again. i want to talk to her. i want to be with her.

she will never want me again.

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fuck. i don't even think i care that i didn't delete it before she saw it. message fucking received. she's probably happy with someone else anyway. i'm gone, just like she wants.

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i want to hold her in my arms, her body pressed against mine. i want to kiss her gently and look in her eyes, telling her how much i love her. i want to take her on dates and get to know her again. i want to put my head on her lap and play mario party. i want to try new games with her and fail miserably but laugh with her about it. i want to try new restaurants and share appetizers with her. i want to go to karaoke and sing with her. i want to bring her home after a walk in the cold and warm up under the covers. i want to hold her hand and ice skate like i swore i would get good enough to do this year. i want to rest my head on her chest and hear her heartbeat, match my breathing up with hers, and fall asleep between whispers of "i love you"s. i want to try again. i want to talk to her. i want to be with her.

she will never want me again.

#idk if i can even post this anymore #delete before she sees this

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a rough hypothesis of what it sounds like is happening from what little i know

One friend is giving my ex relationship advice, he hinted at this

The other friend is giving her similar advice and trying to get her to not want me back or to be friends with me either, they won't really talk to me except for one day yesterday which was odd and i know they said they would side with her if this ever happened and they have a habit of doing this with other friends who broke up.

She is talking to me in a way that suggests she is completely over me and doesn't miss me at all. She was so happy and bouncy yesterday in a way i have only ever seen her be when she was in love with me and happy with me. apparently whatever my friends are saying to her worked because she could be happy from another relationship.

They are all being super weird in the group chat and if they're trying to hide the fact that they're helping her get into a relationship or date again then it would explain why nobody wants to talk to me.

She is the only one being super friendly so clearly she doesn't even miss me anymore and is so moved on she can find a way to see me to show me that because she tried to see me the other day too.

i could also be going crazy and them be acting weird in general or for a less hurtful reason but i was up all night putting together every other option and there isn't any except for one that i know can't be true

i have a really bad feeling that my friends are going behind my back with something about me. they all are talking to each other when they always said they didn't usually in the past. they're all being really weird all the sudden. i have suspicions as to what it is and that just makes me feel worse.