worldweavers - Tumblr blog

worldweavers · 7 years

Photo

Sissy -

Today I learned the truth - I am a true potato.

I have always been a little bit confused about why I gained back some of the weight I worked so hard to lose a few years ago - after I met Richard you know I went up from 175-ish pounds to over 200 again. For a while there I atritubted it to the fact I had someone to take up the time I used to use dancing to YouTube videos like Blogilates or Tiffany Rothe. Then I wondered if it was the vegan diet that I had switched whole-hog to, which at the time meant a lot of PBJ sandwhiches while my cooking skills struggled to make the transition from my traditional salmon and green bean dinners.

But after today - the first day I wore the pedometer properly - I can pin MOST of my problem on one source: my job.

Before our afternoon walk I had only gone about 300 steps within my house by 5PM. Only 300!! And that was wearing the pedometer almost all day, as soon as I put my day clothes on! Does that even count as... as being alive? As movement? A snail's pace?!

I honestly thought the pedometer was broken for a bit - until we went on our daily walk and those "hardly 300" steps zipped up to over 4300 in a short 1.5 mile walk around our neighborhood. HUH.

Richard has often said my biggest problems - and in a loving way, mind you, as I'm in tears yet again about my struggles with the "whys" of my weight - are that I do struggle with portion size, eating on a schedule that will let me have time to prepare healthy food choices... and moving more.

You know how much I love my job - at least, when I can keep the stress that can seep off of it in check. But HOLY WOW do I not ever move?? I know objectively that is because I'm at my desk all day - some days non-stop working without stop for four or five hours at a time, hardly standing up except for a quick break before jumping back in - but I suppose the reality of what that is doing to my body didn't really hit me until today, frowning at that pedometer.

Currently, the way my life and my days are set up, I don't move. I wake up around 8 or 9AM, walk into my office, and stay there except for MAYBE a walk around the neighborhood until often 11PM or 1AM. Occasionally I'll throw in an hour or so of Just Dance... once in a blue moon... but it will have been enough work that I will distantly think, "Oh, I did that (five... six... weeks ago) so it counts, right? I have a schedule to keep up with!"

This just isn't going to work this way, is it?

You know why I'm so scared about cutting back much on work - if not us, our parents need the money as a backup for their health emergencies - but maybe just being more aware of how I hardly budge and how I need to change that will help me reorganize my day in general and learn to use my time more effeciently.

I'm probably trying to have my cake (or in this case... work load) and eat it too (or in this case, find time to workout... so maybe the opposite of cake, ha!) but with so much riding on my shoulders with this career and the goals I want to have in life - less stress at work, more working out, losing weight, more aware of my health, bonding more with you and those I love, deeply nurturing my creativity (because, among many reasons, I need deep reserves of it for work, eep!)... well maybe I can find a way.

So tonight I'm going to go to bed thinking about "effective time use!" and the warnings I've been reading about for weeks about burnout with work schedules and work loads. I wonder if I track the time I work, like I track the food I eat and steps I take now, if I can study all these pieces and figure out how to fit them together better?

Gosh I love you so much - thank you for being there for me, so we can do our best to weave our worlds together.

- S.

#s.'s side of the story

0 notes

worldweavers · 7 years

Photo

Dear Sissy, Your boneyard is AMAAAAZING!! IT TOTALLY INSPIRES ME!! I can't wait to get our basement set up. I believe in you 100% that is so awesome!!! I agree completely on the sharing goals thing. It helps me. I love to celebrate and having someone to share them with helps a ton. I had someone tell me once they finally believed I was going to the doctor because I stopped talking about it, I had been going the whole time I just stopped sharing because they didn't believe or care to celebrate the small steps I was making with me. So I am THRILLED to see yours and share them!! I have so much to tell you about today!! My mind is going a million miles an hour!

So today I have banked over 11,000 steps so far!!! I was super proud. It always helps for something fun to do!! Today we met up with my best friend Kat and we went up to Zona Rosa. It’s a shopping center nearby. It happened to be STAR WARS DAY at KC Pet Project and so of course we hit that up!! It was amazing!! We walked around the shopping center and then we went to 54th Street for lunch and I got a chicken Cesar salad, I can only be so behaved, and shared a brownie with Kat for desert. It was awesome!! The only down side, I got the up-down-eyeroll look from a girl when I was walking through forever 21. It crushed me. The judgement of my body, newsflash lady they make an adorable plus size line of clothing you aren’t the only person who wants to feel cute. Plus sized girls also like to feel cute. I just sang “bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks” quietly to myself. It’s my coping mechanism for when there is a mean girl. It’s rude, I know, but it helps me go about my day. I feel fantastic though!!! I feel energized and pumped!! After Zona Rosa we drove to the Liberty Memorial. If you’ve never been it’s worth it. The most amazing view of KC and so powerful. It’s gorgeous. It was such an amazing adventure!! I actually spend a lot of time exploring downtown KC. It’s my turn you could say. I can’t wait to share more on more of my adventures but for now this is all!! A small snippet of my world and the friends I keep close.

–Beebop

0 notes

worldweavers · 7 years

Photo

Hundreds of miles apart and we somehow still channel the same. Lol if this isn't a testament to our sister connection I'm not sure what is!!

0 notes

worldweavers · 7 years

Photo

Sissy!

I just came back up from THE BONEYARD - aka, our basement gym! We started to set it up ages ago with really ambitious mats, a weight seat, weights, my yoga mats, and even our (somewhat beat up) exercise bike! I even went down there once... or twice... to use the bike too!

And then... well we just stopped. We did all that work to get it set up, felt super excited about it, then... didn't follow through. I know that "scienctific articles" say that if you share your goals you are less likely to complete them, but I can't help but feel that totally falls on its face when it comes to reaching my goals! I always seem to better with sharing them - with you, with a journal, with a blog...

So I wonder if our failure to use THE BONEYARD over the last few months was because I never publically set a goal of "going down and biking for at least 40 minutes a day!" or something like that? I had no one to be accountable to so again and again I didn't follow through on things like this. Because if I didn't share them with anyone... well, who would know I failed? Then I could just chuck that goal into the big pile of "well, I tried" that makes up so much of my to-do list.

But for me... a goal shared is a goal that is celebrated while the journey is still being completed. And it is so, so much easier to dive into motivation when you are celebrating the journey too - and not just the goal. I think that is one of the big reasons I'm so excited to be blogging with you! If we celebrate this journey together then I think it will infuse a little of the joy that reaching a goal gives you into all the steps, even when they are hard (and sweaty and tiring and frustrating).

As to what to do with THE BONEYARD... well, we may be leaving for Taiwan soon, but I still have some time don't I?! Why not kick up that cardio before we go? I'm sure that'll help me when the time comes to navigate the city streets! So I'm going to set a goal to ride the bike - slow or fast, whatever I feel up to - for 40 minutes a day. It won't burn as many calories as Just Dancing would but I think it'll be a good, low-ish level dedication that will help me build up cardio stamina!

Also on the note of the bike: one of the reasons we stopped using it so much was because its a bit broken on one pedal, but I can put up with that for less than two more weeks, right? Then when we return home to the States you and I can get excited about the idea of how to get the most out of THE BONEYARD with new equipment!

You have a basement workout space you're working on too, don't you? I can't wait to see yours! I think it will help us so much to have a place to go and workout even in the heat of summer and cold of winter!

Love you!

- S.

PS - I think a huge part of why I stopped is I got bored. Today when I was working out I imagined I was weeding a garden in order to keep focused - perhaps if I memorized some more workouts and gave them “story tasks” like that it’d help me more? I just get bored so easily with working out - that is why I love Just Dance or watching YouTube while riding the bike!

Hmm... I’ll bet that’d work for me! I should look up some exercises and give them fun stories to help motivate me more!

#work spaces #fitness

0 notes

worldweavers · 7 years

Photo

For anyone who knows our mother knows that the first things she did anywhere we lived was to paint. To claim it for her own. I am the same. For me there is no better feeling than to paint. Make a home our own. I never thought I would be able to buy a house, it’s been a dream for as long as I can remember. So here is the start of me claiming our home for our own!! It’s so beautiful.

Claiming our space as our own gives me a sense of peace, of wholeness. A home base. I’ve craved that security and now that I have it it’s been a whirlwind. I have no idea how to cope with it because I’ve never known this level of security. It’s wonderful! It’s also scary...but also wonderful. Haha!

My home with Hubs, Little Bit, Roxie, Gunner, and Thor is a step in my life that I can’t wrap my head around most days. It feels numb sometimes but then I look at our walls, my nerd wall specifically and I realize how wonderful my life is. This isn’t an adventure post or anything. It’s simply a post about a step in my life I never thought I would take.

Through the help of one super amazing, incredible person my tiny family’s lives changed. We found security. We found stability. With the safe home we have it’s given us the courage to branch out more. We’ve gone on so many adventures. Mainly traveling the city and finding more parks to visit. We get thrifty. I am a firm believer that we don't NEED to spend money to feel that air of freedom.

So my goals now are to finish moving little bit’s room, finish painting my office, so I can focus when I try to study in there. I want to paint our room and the kitchen. I want to keep forming this house to us. I may not be traveling the world but I am weaving my own world around my family. This colorful, thriving happy home. I feel like Sissy’s posts will be the true adventure in the world and I will be mainly adventures in root planting. What a twist!

Sissy and I have different worlds we love to share with each other. It’s so fun for me to see her travels and hear her stories. I feel like mine are so boring in comparison. I feel though, I spent my youth running and Sissy was settled. Now it’s her turn to run and mine to settle in. Both weaving more of our nests from different ends. Finding joy in sharing our journey of health, home, and happiness.

--Beebop

0 notes

worldweavers · 7 years

Text

B’s Grocery Haul, Education, and General Rambles

So I don’t have a photo of my grocery haul today because my kitchen is in a shameful state. The sink is overflowing with dishes that need done, I have two filled and tied off trash bags by the garage door that never seem to find the last 15 feet to the can in the garage, there’s random empty packages scattered. It’s not pretty in the slightest and it used to depress me to no end but I’ve decided to look at it and remember WHY they’re not done. We’ve been busy living. We’ve been going to parks and having adventures. They need done, tomorrow we all agreed to buckle down and use the evening to clean the house.

I will spend the day studying and probably going to the library with Little Bit. We love love love the library in the city. She can sit and read books and I will be able to work on the next section of my veterinarian assistant course, medical terminology. I’m beyond excited for it! I battle all the time though, valuing myself enough to feel worthy of getting this education. My previous marriage I was told my education was not important, I had been in college when we met then got very sick with my pregnancy and dropped out. For five years I was told me going to school was pointless along with all the other emotional abuse. So now that I’ve got this partner who is a human cheerleader for me and works insane work hours so I can be home with Eden and focus on school, I don’t feel worthy. I procrastinate out of fear of failing. I constantly live in fear that I will fail. So far, I hold a 93 in the course based on 3 questions that I misread. I was kicking myself! To my credit, I’m doing so much better than I thought. Maybe my current husband is right and my ex is wrong, I am smart.

I used to KNOW I was smart. My grades were not great but that's because I felt homework was below me as a teen. I tested insanely well and when I got my GED I received a certificate for the highest score in the state on MO’s history with the GED. It was beat a few months later by 2 points from my jerk friend who copied me in dropping out and starting college early because high school sucked. I was so mad. I used to be confident and a social butterfly. Ask Sage, she knows. My last marriage broke me. It was bad.

I’m here now though and I’m going to try not to dwell on it. I’m going to focus on my classes, my dream to work with animals and the environment. being a park ranger in a national forest is the dream, or working with an animal rescue, or at a zoo.

All that rambling aside I achieved a goal today. We were able to grocery shop! Not like “Here's 45$ to get us 2 weeks so we are living off ramen and finding what healthy foods we can for the baby.” To be fair I only spent 107$ today but dangit I felt good about it! We have plentiful food for the next couple weeks and hubs cleaned the horrifying fridge out for me.

I disclose now I was not meant for housewifing. I wanted to be, SO BAD. I wanted to be the perfect little SAHM and house wife. Have it clean and peaceful so when he came home he could relax and we could enjoy life together. That's not how it turned out. As it turns out, I am meant to work. Which is also totally fine. Everyone is happy in different places. I just found a severe lack personal satisfaction and serious lack of motivation to clean the house. I hate it. I tried to unschool Lil bit and we had fun, but it feels like a chore now. So back to public school she goes. She will thrive there more, with friends to play with and more structure. She and I both thrive in a structured environment.

OK! Stay on track B. We can do this! The WHOLE POINT of my post today was to show off my awesome grocery haul. I have no photos, as stated above, so I will list it out!!

2 lbs of strawberries, a butternut squash, 4 giant cucumbers, 2 fresh pineapples, 12 large apples, 2 lemons, 4 limes, 2 red mangos, 2 seedless watermelons, 12 ears of corn, 3 sweet potatoes, and 3 cans of chickpeas from sprouts for 37.91!!!! I left flying on a freakin cloud. I stared at my cart and almost cried. I am always worried about feeding my family, we BARELY BARELY get by on my husbands checks unless he’s working himself sick. Part of why I am anxious to get back into the workforce, to ease some of that pressure off him. Anywho, to leave with SO MUCH for so cheap gave me hope and confidence in my scouring through ads for good deals.

Now for the Aldi haul!!

4 packs of mini marshmallows, ice pops, peanut butter, mashed potato flakes (makes 4 big pots), mini muffins, 5 boxes of cereal, 3 bags of chicken strips, 6 back of Salisbury steaks, 6 pack of rib patties, 2 cartons of orange juice, 2 cartons of coconut milk, 2 bundles of bananas, a bag of oranges, jalapenos, a big bag of tilapia, 4 brown gravy mixes all for 69.52!! Again, I was mind blown at how much I was able to get. I was supposed to keep the whole trip at 100$ but I went a bit over. Hubs didn't mind when he saw how much I was able to get through careful shopping. I realized I could have saved on some fruits I got at Sprouts by getting them at Aldi but I wasn’t sweating it too much. It would have saved maybe 5$ which is good but it wasn't worth the hoopla of trying to return it. A lot of the Aldi’s trip was for hubs and lil bit. I’m trying to eat mainly fruits and veggies because I’m tired of feeling like poop.

So there it is! A bunch of rambling and a pointless grocery list that probably no one cares about but myself but YAY!! We got food! Lots of it that I can make healthy meals out of to start not feeling so weighed down by my own body.

Oh, also, we realized, I want to turn the basement into the home gym/ laundry room but with all the stuff currently down there it’s not feasible. I need to go down and break down boxes, and clear out all the stuff down there. Or at least organize it so I can make my jogging path. Yes, our basement is huge, I can make a teeny track and then I’ve got Sissy’s old stationary bike, I sort of stole it from my parents. I also will have hubs weight set.

I LOVE WEIGHT MACHINES. So much. I never feel stronger. Running is ok but when I can leg press 300lbs, I feel really strong.

Ok, I will be done!! Time to go study and eat my strawberries!!

0 notes

worldweavers · 7 years

Text

S’s Side of the Story

I am on top of the world - and so exhausted some days I feel like I'm drowning in a panic of wondering if I'll ever enjoy it.

I launched myself from my family nest and into the open air years ago in a desperate attempt to find somewhere I could breathe and some way to make sure I had a roof over my head and food to eat. I stumbled, struggled, got lost, and learned so much about myself as I lived with family, worked jobs I hated, and clung to the edge of my sanity through endless list making and doling out slivers of responsible enjoyment through walks in the woods and video games only AFTER I had worked myself to the bone on repeat.

And now - years later - with a successful self-employed creative career sustaining me and a home of my own safely (rented) over my head and food in my kitchen without fail... I'm still a quivering mess most nights, laying in my Lovesac and confused about how no amount of debts paid off and self-spoiled purchases made (I eat oranges when I want now! They aren't just a rare treat! I bought a camera! A lovesac! I went to Hawaii!) I'm still so scared. I'm still driven by fear more than any other motivation to collide into a schedule that is eroding away my health and slipping my control on making healthy financial - and food - choices.

I'm so, so lucky to be where I am in life. I worked so, so hard - and that, for so many people, means nothing. I sit and quiver with fear over my awareness of how ridiculous it is to have come from the always-stressed, Very Bad financial situation I grew up with and to be where I am now...?

I'm successful - and stressed and still 60 pounds overweight.

But I have come so far.

My life is a celebration of triumphs over what I thought would be permanent hurdles to living. There were so many of them and many left their scars - yet somehow, perhaps becaues I'm niave or just really stubborn or just really scared, I kept scuttling from place to place and kept pushing nad jumping and flapping my wings in a frantic rush to try to fly to somewhere better...

... and eventually I got here. A beautiful, stunning, impossibly precious life where I swing on a pendelum of utter contentment and joy and golden light... and then into a more shadowy place of stress, fear, and the strain of certain vital goals still not managed.

So my idea of "world weaving" may be a bit different than what most people would think. I've already paid off my student loans. I've already found a mate that I am overjoyed to spend the rest of my life with. I already am blessed with an abundance of love. I already have a job I adore. I've already traveled so much. I've already gained a tiny foothold of financial security in my life. I already have built so much self-confidence and self-kindness into the woven tapestry of my heart and mind.

But for me, this place will be somewhere I can try to unpack what struggles I still face:

How I can have all this success and still be hounded by the fact that, truthfully, I AM unhappy with my weight and it is like an anchor that tugs down my joy at unexpected times. How the success of my job may be coming at the cost of my mental well-being and that that may be a real issue and not something only rich people get to be fussy about... how it really could break me. The burdens and joys of being in charge of a huge and beautiful creative community and somehow being a role-model to thousands.

So - as I calm down, having written out the worst of the jitters of what I am facing in my journey, I can take some deep breaths and summarize my thoughts like this:

My goals are mostly in dealing with my mental health, especially as a successful (and there is a cost to that, one I would have mocked, scorned, and been hateful towards before I got here) self-employed creative with a very taxing, time-demanding job. And woven into that is trying to take on my "last big hurdle" - my weight.

I've always been overweight my entire life - and that controlled and dictated a lot of how I thought about myself, the mental voice I used, and who I thought I was or could be. And not "a bit" overweight either - over 300 pounds for several years of my early twenties. I remember not fitting in desks in college. I remember having to use two seats on airplanes. I remember how I sobbed the first time I put on a pair of size 18 pants. I remember the *transformation* from 315+ pounds to 180. I remember the reality of the fact that kind of weight loss *does change your life* and who you are.

For me the goal of this journey is to confront the fact that lingering behind all my success are a few things:

- Fear of how I don't know how to cope with the finances of everything, especially as I am unexpectedly asked to help my family with hundreds of dollars out of the blue as my parent's health collapses, and especially as my job is not permanent. It is only as strong as a very fickle market and my energy can make it. What is a boon now may quickly dry up into nothing later - and then what will I do for my family or myself?

- Depsite all my success I still harbor a deep shadowed sadness over my weight. I did SO WONDERFULLY getting from 300+ to 180 pounds - and then a switch in my diet (I went vegan) and a switch in my life-focus (health conscious to workaholic desk potato) dolloped on 20 pounds and I've been stuck at 200 without budging for years now. While I no longer hate myself for it - not a whiff of that, actually! - and I try so hard (and often succeed) in not holding myself back from life over my weight, I still dislike how physically drained, tired, and fat I feel. Beyond everything I've achieved I really, truly do want to lose another 50 pounds or so - at least 30 and add in lots of endurance and strength - so I can face my last "true hurdle" my heart has tried to pretend doesn't exist and doesn't control my happiness (look at all this success, right?! how could something like weight bug me now? I should be greatful! ... right?) but... really does.

- I'm scared of how tired and exhausted my "success" has made me feel. I'm so scared and so exhausted about how to balance a job that is so fantastic and gives so much not only to myself, but to my family and a community of thousands... but I am beginning to physically and mentally hurt over. I'm scared of the rumored burn-out and the permanent effects it may have on my relationships, my body, my life, my creativity, my projects. I want to protect my family, my career, my community, and my resources... and somehow, past the constant headaches and bone-deep exhaustion, I've got to find a way to juggle it all and keep working, producing, and moving forward without pushing so hard I break and can't do anything or care for those I love. I never thought I'd BE successful enough to have to worry about these kinds of things and the conflicted guilt ("Look at what you've achieved - be happy and grateful, there are so many so much worse off than you!!") and sense of privledge drains me so much, on top of the true physical and mental exhaustion from my job alone. I'm so scared of being one of those successful workaholics who ends up looking back years later with damaged family relationships and a broken body and just the memory of career hallmarks gathering dust to console them. I want to smell the flowers - but I know the reality of *NEEDING* to continue to work at a harder pace to keep my career alive, too.

So here we are: a ball of guilt and conflictions while I'm also trying to make the most of my successful - and often very tiring and super demanding - career, which also nurtures multiple units of my family. Part of me still wants to stick my nose up in the air over such petty first-world problems but I haven't forgotten watching my father sell his blood plasma to pay for our school lunches or months without power or hot water as the bills were shut off. I have no doubt that luck plays as much or more a factor in where I am as hard work has - and although I should care what people think I always fret that people will find me petty for my concerns and being stressed... but I think not taking the strain my job puts on me seriously, putting it down as 'others work harder,' is one of the things eroding away my health and my ability to give myself permission to stop when I can tell I should.

My goals are so oddly different than the easy "lol lose 60 pounds and take flower pics~" I thought I was going to write... but I think I needed this. This ramble rough draft of what I want to unpack, unravel, and reweave into a beautiful world around me over the next several months. The way that my weight and perception of my body is still holding me down from flying as freely as I wish even after everything I've achieved. The way fear is still such a huge motivator for me and finances scary because of their unknown factors.

The way that I've worked hard - very hard - and achieved so much and rather than cower away from all this I simply take a deep breath and stretch and put on a smile and am ready to try again.

I'm tired and worn out, I have headaches most days from overwork and my creativity - a vital resource for my job - has been ebbing dangerously low lately. I get winded on tiny walks in the neighborhood, my budget for finances and food don't even exist right now, and I'm determined to cultivate more joy and gratitude into my every day because I know it'll be a saving grace for me.

This is where we're starting, mid-flight, in the journey of my life... and I'm so, so glad to be here with my little sister, watching as we weave our own worlds our own beautiful, unique, silly ways.

0 notes

worldweavers · 7 years

Photo

So this is me, neck up because it’s hard to find a full body photo of myself anymore. All excuses aside I have not loved my body the proper way. I drowned myself in junk food after having my daughter and for several years that was fine. One day, everything caught up. So here I am scrolling through months and months of photos to try to find one where I haven’t strategically positioned myself or applied filters to feel better. Just me, in all my freckled and pimpled glory.

I’ve taken it upon myself as of late to embrace myself without makeup. I’ve really started to notice though that the stress of the last couple years has really taken its liberties with my body (not that I posed any objections at the time). I’m also coping with the decision to get a pixie cut and having to grow it out.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my body. It does incredible things for me, I didn’t love it enough to keep it as healthy as it could be though. There’s a whole familial self destructive pattern generations back that was not very good at teaching healthy self love; we don’t need to go in depth on that though because honestly it doesn’t matter anymore!!

This is the fresh start of a journey!! I’ve been SO BLESSED. For help from my sister getting my family some roots and now it’s time to break the cycles!! I’m excited and motivated and on an emotional high with the lingering anxiety that I’m on a high and that means that there will be a down. Showers usually help with that.

Anywho!! I’m here because I want to track myself getting healthy!! I want to be able to sit on the rollercoaster at Worlds of Fun and not worry that the bar won’t close. I want to be able to chase my child and to be able to keep up with her! I want to travel. I want to be places I've never been before and not be too tired to experience them. I want to go on adventures and run wild and free (emotionally, obviously I don’t want to be irresponsible and shirk the day to day). I want to be healthy and happy enough that when I die I instill a sense of wander and desire to experience life in my children (currently child but here’s hoping for one more....maybe).

Mostly I want to show her (my current child) it’s never too late to start loving yourself. You are never too far gone to be saved. I imagine I will cry and this will be painful and I will really hate this some days but I am determined.

I have my sister by my side and I know we can do anything. She has helped me grow and been a driving force in my life. We weren’t the closest of children but as adults I couldn’t feel closer to anyone. She has given me the courage to follow in her footsteps and break the cycles that weighed on us as children. To grow our lives and to be better.

I am going to fall. I am going to fly. I am going to finally LIVE.

-Beebop

0 notes