wordxbeyondwords

[wordxbeyondwords]

I dont care when, but one day- I’m going to spend every afternoon watching the sun set by the ocean while whales splash in the water.

[wordxbeyondwords]

Page 66.

Dear Reivax,

Parant lang again. Here is a visual representation of me and my unstable emotions... manic. IM FREAKN SCARED. Kaya ko ba to :(( GUSTO KO TALAGA KAYANIN PERO ANG SAKIT SAKIT NA NG DIBDIB KO :((((( send help.

-z.

01/27/2020

[wordxbeyondwords]

#65.

Dear reivax,

Pahiram ha? Parant lang...ulit. Alam mo, its 3:20 am. And I’m crying. I’ve had a bad a day- and I’ve already told you that I did. I told you the gist and the facts. I told you I was in pain. The thing about by days, there are times when it’s bearable. But lately it hasn’t been. And there’s one person I miss the most, I miss a little extra- during these bad days:

That’s my Lola. Si Inay :)

[oh see, hindi ex anything. hahaha]

Alam mo ba, ang inay- love na love ako niyan. And on-point at perfect timing lagi comforts niya- even when she had Alzheimers. She knew when to hug me, say “I love you”, buy me food, give me money and just stay by my side at exactly the right moments. Lagi nga niya sinasabi na partners in crime kami eh [kasi lagi niya ko sinisave kay mami hahahah]. She was my bestfriend. She was my angel. She was my blanket on a cold rainy day. She was a warm cup of tea. She was everything I wanted even when I had everything I needed.

Miss ko na siya paps. Its my first time to cry at the wee hours of the night. And its because I miss her so mucch. I miss her comfort. I miss her because it hurts so much. And alam mo yun? She just had a way of making you feel safe. She had a way of making you believe that the world will be kind to you tomorrow- that you’d be okay. She had the love that you’d call home. I need that “I love you” and hugs now more than ever. Sabi ko nga eh, kahit saglit lang- pahingi namang time with her para lang sabihing sakin i’ll be okay.

Paps, i’m so lost. I know where to go but I cant move. Parang bata ako na iniwan sa gitna ng unfamiliar place. I’m scared that it’s going to be this painful everyday- and i’m more scared that this pain will get in the way of my job. Di ko maintindihan if I’m doing something wrong because everyday, I’m learning naman. And I’m getting better- but it doesnt feel safe. It doesnt feel good. I’m frustrated because I can’t help people- because I can’t seem to help my patient. ‘(

Paps... help? ‘( i’m scared.

-z.

01/24/2020

[wordxbeyondwords]

#64.

Dear Reivax,

This means so much to me because these thoughts can now leave my brain. I dont have to carry so much anymore. Thank you for helping me let it out and for helping me realize that I am more. :)

With undending gratitude,

- Z.

11/18/2019

[wordxbeyondwords]

#63.

Hi Paps!

Feeling ko reminder to for the both of us HAHHAHAHA kaya eto, ishshare ko na. Oh siya paps, manalig tayo na one day magkakaroon tayo ng sagot sa mga bakit ng mundo :)

Miss you!

-z.

08/26/2019

“In another world we shall understand it all.”

— Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina (via philosophyquotes)

[wordxbeyondwords]

#62.  Dear Reivax, ayokong mapagod pero minsan nakakapagod talaga the world.  saan ba pumupulot ng energy? ahahah I’m scared…baka yung pagod maging burn out :(  haaay. papagpray ko nalang ng malaman paano. (pero kung alam mo, feel free to share hahah thanks paps) -z. 08/05/2019

[wordxbeyondwords]

61.

Dear Reivax, Maturity. What is maturity? HAHAHAHHA paano nga ba nagiging mature. hmm. that is a question. sometimes kasi andali nalang sumuko, magwalk away, magalit? hahah (ehem shout out dun sa rant ko nung isang gabi HAHAHAH) pero yun. I guess maturity is facing the things you hate, scared of, are frustrated about and just really making things right.. I guess for me, maturity was acknowledging my frustrations and apologizing for being offensive. but I didnt apologize for getting frustrated. that I learned a long the way - my feelings demand to be felt and no one can tell me I have no right to feel them. (hindi ko pa din sinave ulit yung number nila hahahah shhhh wag mo ko isumbong =)) ) pero ayun. at least my peace na hahahah anyway paps, kaya ko nakwento kasi may narealize ako at feeling ko its something you should hear too. Paps, maraming nagsasabi ng mga should and must sa mundo. Madaming nagsasabi- you have to be this, you have to be that. Madaming mga “dapat”. Dapat ganto, dapat ganyan. dapat hindi...(maging marupok? ahaha) pero yung point ko is, minsan may mga dapat na ginagawa mo for you - not for others. mas dapat na totoo ka sa self mo kesa sa expectations ng ibang tao. People say, dapat maging mabait ka sa kapatid mo, sa kapwa mo, sa prof? sa patients. Dapat gawin mo yung best mo lagi. Dapat hindi ka nagagalit, di ka nalulunkot. Dapat tumayo ka nalang ulit. dapat hindi ka magmukmok. and the list goes on and on. Pero the question is, pag naging mabait ka sa ibang tao - mabait ka kasi gusto mo maging mabait? or kasi gusto mong gawin yung sinabi sayo ng ibang tao para ka tanggapin? yung best mo, ginagawa mo ba kasi gusto mo talaga or dahil pinipilit ka ng iba? hindi ka ba nagagalit kasi sa tingin mo irrational or pointless magalit? or dahil lang ayaw mong kamuhian ka ng tao? Masaya ka ba or pinipilit mo lang yung ngiti mo kasi sabi nila wag ka magmukmok? hindi ka ba malunkot kasi di ka talaga nalulunkot or pinipigilan mo lang talaga luha mo para di ka ijudge or para di magworry ibang tao? Bumabangon ka ba ulit pag nadapa ka kasi gusto mo na talagang tumayo at bumangon or dahil lang sabi nila? it makes a difference paps. kapag yung mga dapat na sinasabi ng iba, ay para sayo din. Kasi paps, hindi naman ibang tao yung dumadaan sa dinadaanan mo para sabihin sayo na hindi yun yung dapat mong maramdaman or na dapat eto maramdaman mo.

I hope you wont ever  let othet people dictate what you should feel. I hope you find time to listen to your id and I hope gumana na ulit siya HAHAHAHA

I think that’s maturity too. maturity is being honest with yourself. doing things not to be accepted, but because its internally driven. doing things for yourself. Maturity is loving yourself.  #selflove2019 ahhaha So ayun. hay nako paps, andami ko na namang feelings and random thoughts HAAHAHHAHA Ps: I’m super happy I get to talk to a lot again. Its great to see you “okay” :) thanks paps!

PPS: UNLI WINGS NATIN HA. SOON HAHAHAH -z. 08/05/2019

[wordxbeyondwords]

#60.

Dear Rievax,

If I were completely honest with myself... Pagod na ko, ayaw ko na talaga minsan :’(( pero pag sumuko ako...paano sila.

Paano din ako?

Paano na tayong mga sparring bot sa buhay ng mga taong nangangailangan lang ng palabasan ng galit at emosyon. Pero pag okay na, iniiwan tayong puno ng bugbog at pasa ng mga memorya noong panahong hindi nila nakaya magisa.

Paano ba magself love ng hindi nakakasakit or walang naiiwanang iba?

Pwede ba ganon paps. Yun lang naman. Is it too much to ask? :(

-z.

08/02/2019

[wordxbeyondwords]

#59

Dear Reivax,

There is a kind of pain we dont talk about. A kind of pain na hindi natin mailabas. Yung sakit na gusto mo i-iyak and magwala pero hindi mo magawa gawa kasi alam mo na wala rin naman (or baka feeling ko lang walang mangyayari).

Sabi nga kahapon, “Hyouka” means Ice cream pero word play daw yun for “I-scream”. Yung Hyouka kasi na book, ginawa nung author kasi naexpel siya sa school. At that time, hindi niya ma-iiyak. At that time he couldn’t scream. He had no voice and just died inside. Yun yung quotable lesson na nakuha ko sa movie- dapat daw pag may chance ka umiyak, i-iyak mo lahat. Kapag gusto mo sumigaw, isigaw mo. Kasi baka dumating yung panahon na hindi mo maisigaw. Hindi mo na mai-iyak. Wala ka ng boses. And thats where your soul dies.

That, I completely understand now. Naiiyak talaga ako paps eh. Gusto ko sumigaw pero wala naman magagawa sigaw ko. Hindi ako makasigaw not because I had no voice- but because my voice wouldnt matter. Yun namang yung honest truth paps...

My voice doesnt matter when it comes to speaking up for me.

Kung di lang masisira phone ko tinapon ko na. Nagdisplacement na ko HAHAHHAHA pero sayang iphone eh :(( wala na kong pamalit HAHAHHA

Hay paps. I am tired. I do get tired. Its really shitty tbh. Yaw q naman magdemand ng appreciation pero get. Sana meron.

Sorry sa rant paps. Di ko na kaya icontain. Hahaha :(

-z.

08/02/2019

[wordxbeyondwords]

#58

Dear Reivax,

Hi Paps! Oh eto na nga- I’m back HAHAHA alam mo ba this morning, may nakita ako sa FB. Pinost ng page na “Depression Project” na 2nd anniversary na daw in heaven ni Idol mong si chester bennington. Alam mo, iniisip ko, ano kayang pain pinagdaanan niya para gawin yun? Bakit wala din nakapansin :( but ayun, di ko masabi sayo kasi baka malunkot ka ulit. Huhuhu

Paps, malunkot ka pa ba? Sobra parin ba? Sana by this time...paunti unti ka na nagheheal at nawawala yung sakit. Pero if not, thats okay. Healing is a process & it’s different for everyone... ako nga diba? 2 years HAHAHHA pero nandun parin yung remnants from time to time.

Paps, kung star ka nga- sana di ka magburn ng masyadong madami energy. Mag energy conservation ka para di ka sumabog na parang supernova. Your light is still very beautiful and comforting. Tsaka alam mo, lahat ng nakakita sa star mo, nacocomfort mo :)

Oh siya. Gabi na este hating gabi na paps. Good night :) Ingat ka ha? See you on fri!! Miss youu 🤗

-z.

07/20*/2019

[wordxbeyondwords]

#57.

Dear Reivax,

Some days, you get good news. On other days, you get not so good ones. Today, was one of those “other days”. When I scrolled through my FB feed earlier this afternoon, I saw posts from my interns and students saying R.I.P. to their friend- their friend who happened to be my student just last sem. Una akala ko joke (uso kasi yung mga memes na ganon ngayon huhuhu sorry na). Nung inask ko si sir yutel, I was really hoping it was a joke...but then legit nga daw. God took her back to heaven. Right when sir Yutel answered, my heart sank. Alam mo ba, She was about to enter her last sem before internship.. kaso ayun, she was suffering Lupus pala. And then today, she had kidney failure. The first thing that popped into my head was paano na friends niya? Particularly yung intern ko sa sunrise na magfafaci ng dance tomorrow morning. Mahirap makabangon sa ganon- mahirap mag grieve...losing people is also my greatest fear. (kaya ganto rin yung worry ko for you paps. Hehehe) Kaya feeling ko sobra ako nagempathize sa intern na yun. Inask ko si sir if okay lang ba na magchange faci kami bukas kasi nga baka mabigatan siya, baka di niya makaya. Pero sabi ni sir, magtiwala daw kami na kakayanin niya... so we kept this as they were.

I believe in helping people go out of there comfort zone, in making them more than what they thought they could be. Normally, I dont allow change faci para machallenge sila and malabanan nila fears nila. Pero this time its different... iba kasi yung grief eh. Pwede mong sabihin try again if kunwari nagfail siya or may hindi siya natapos gawin. Pwede mong ipush yung mga tao na magmove on pag heartbroken sila. Pero when you lose an important person for good...what happens next? Paano ka magttry again? Paano ka magmomove on? Ambigat paps. :(

Minessage ko nga siya na, alam ko mahirap pinagdadaanan niya and I hope and pray na makahanap siya ng strength to cont;nue tas ang sinagot niya sakin is “Ma’am nawalan na naman ako. Pero ma’am itutuloy ko po” That is strength. I’m proud of her for that. Pero sabi ko if she wants to take the afternoon off, she should kasi her well being is also important. Nakiusap nalang ako kay sir y na imove case pre nila to monday next week para makapag grieve siya. Haaay paps. Tama naman diba? Di ko naman binaby feelings niya? If I were in her shoes, I’d need the break too- I need TO break too. Para lang mailabas ko. Mahirap magkimkim eh. Bumibigat lalo. Kaya sana itong intern na to, magamit yung dance faci niya bukas para magsublimate ng sadness for her friend that went to heaven early.

Paps, you know...inaabangan ko yung student ko na yun sa sunrise. She was struggling but she was trying & she really wanted to learn. That’s why I just wish na if ever di man niya nalive yung dream niya, she lived a life she dreamed off & sana she was happy. Sana in her next life, makuha na niya dream niya.

Feeling ko paps, nung nakita ko yung post- naalala na naman kita hahahahuhuhu ayaw ko na mangyari yun eh. Yung mawala ka bigla. Di ba nga nung iniyakan kita nun, sabi ko di ko kaya...& its true paps. Di ko talaga kaya. Because I know you deserve better, I know you can do it. And I want you to be happy- genuinely happy and unconditionally loved. That’s why I keep praying na you give life a chance and that you’ll have the strength to cont;nue and find purpose every single day. Sabi ko naman sayo paps, VIP ka eh. You will never be a burden and I will never stop giving up and walking with you through good and tough times (again with your consent haha). Hmmm. Di ko rin alam kung bakit ka VIP exactly. Feeling ko, dumating ka lang kasi sa point na when you’ve been friends and gone through a lot of things together- family na talaga tingin niyo sa isa’t isa eh. I stand by what I said to you before paps- you are my family too. And I would never want anything bad to happen to you. & I’ll keep praying for that. Kaya everyday/every time I can, I will say thank you kay Lord for giving me a fam like you. And I thank you too for being in my life. :)

Paps, you taught me how to value life and give life value. Today I was reminded of how valuable life is and how short it can be. So no matter how long or short our lives are, may it contain a lot of happy moments- may it always have value (may you always find value in it). :)

Hmm. May naisip ako just now HAHAHHA Gawa kaya tayo project paps? Hahaha everything na we find valuable or anything na nakita nating need or want for the day, isulat natin somewhere? Hmmm. Parang magandang ax. HAHAHHA G ba?

I hope youre safe and well paps. Ingat ka lagi! Good luck din sa make up mo!

-z.

07/17/2019

[wordxbeyondwords]

#56.

Dear Reivax,

Hi Paps! Oh sorry ha. Mejo puro travel kasi today. Di tuloy kita natext :/ haay anyway. Here look! Habang nagaabang ako sa airport, binasa ko tong book na to hahaha. Yung title niya is “The Next Person You Meet in Heaven”...parang sequel siya dun sa 5 people you meet in heaven heheheh syempre parehong mitch albom. So ayun, As i was reading- i stumbled into this page tapos pumasok sa isip ko yung argument natin sa may windmills.

Sabi mo, wind yung nagbibigay ng purpose sa windmill diba? And if tao yung windmill, love yung wind... well eto, apply natin yung sinabi ni tito mong si Mitch Albom. Sabi niya, wind is caused by change. Therefore, love is caused by change too. & if and when there is change- there is wind and there is love. Now paps, sabi din ng universe, change is constant...kaya hindi mawawalan ng change in this world. Given that, I therefore conclude na as long as there is change, there is wind & there is love. Thus, as long as there is change, the windmills & a person/people will always have purpose :)

Tama ba logic? AHAHAHHA OH BOOM! Ang galing ni Mitch Albom dun no? HAHAHHA

Haay paps. I love the airport. I love travelling. Feeling ko kasi gustong gusto ko ng open space and ng sky- lalo na pag gabi. Pero yun nga, sad lang kasi maulan kaya wala din stars ako makita dito :/ although, nakakacomfort yung ulan. Hahahah

Oh kumusta araw mo paps? Nakapagsched ka na ba ng Make ups?

Good luck ha. Enjoy ka treating the kiddies!!

Ps: Kailangan ko na talaga maalala dalhin yung books. Magaling magbigay ng advice tong si Tito mong Mitch ih hahaha

Ingat Paps! Miss you :)

-z.

07/15/2019

[wordxbeyondwords]

#55.

Dear Paps,

Alam mo, namiss kitang kausap like this- the the past 2 days hahaha alam mo nafeel ko na parang ay shet, YAN. YAN SI PAPS. ‘Yung tipong humuhugot din pero makulit Hahahaha Oh paps, may tanong ako... grineet mo? :) HAHAHHA okay lang naman yan, “Bo” HAHAHHA jk pero yun paps. Isa rin ako sa mga hoping na maging friends ulit kayo. Hopefully soon :)

Paps, sabi mo di mo maalala kung sino ka... hmm feeling ko dahil yan sa lunkot and frustration. Kung ittranslate ko yan in your “Id voice”, its actually saying “I want to know who I am again” and “I should know who I am” and “WHY CANT I BE WHAT I AM” pero yun nga paps, sabi ko di kita gagamitan ng psych OTness hahahah. Kaya i’ll leave it at that- wala na ko ididispute HAHHA though, I think you know naman who you are- youre just having a hard time being that person kasi andaming struggles in the way. Hmm...masasabi ko lang diyan paps, siguro 1 struggle iremove natin at a time. Gamitin mo yung kawa model ni Iwama (naks kumakawa model HAHAH pero lit HAHAHA), one by one remove the driftwoods in your life to increase life flow (para daw magmove on...yung life ha? Di lang yung heart Hahaha).

Sorry pala late ako magreply ha? Kakatapos ko lang magpack eh huhu sana enough na damit ko? HAHAHA tsaka paps, uuwian kita ng smile. Di ko lang alam how hahah pero malay mo makahanap ako ahhaha

Oh siya, ako po ay tutulog na. Good night, Paps! Ingat ka :)

Ps: Good luck sa make ups! Kwento nalang again sa chat or pag nagkita tayo if may gusto ka ikwento :)

Good night! Stay safe paps. See you soon! Labyuuu

-z

07/14/2019

[wordxbeyondwords]

#54.

Dear Reivax,

Mmm. Kanina ko pa pinoprocess mga gusto kong sabihin na hindi ko nasabi today... hehehe ayun nga yung kwento ko kay ate mong ano (sorry nakalimutan ko na tayo tayo lang pala nakakaalam kaya di ko natuloy kanina hahahuhu) pero ayun, sabi niya nireregret niya what she did. Mukhang sincere siya talaga when she said that. Pero yun nga, in time daw hopefully, maging okay kayo both :(:

Dun sa movie naman Paps, makinig ka kay Buzz ha? Lalo na yung “He’s not lost... anymore” sana madating mo din yun paps :) tsaka yun nga, ang rupok ni Bo HAHAHHAHAH pero in a good way naman. Tapos paps, naalala mo tinanong ni Dayao, ano daw favorite part? For me, yung nakita nung lost kid si Gabby.. kasi parang dun humugot ng strength si Lost kid para magask dun sa security guard :) (Ps: hehehe parang may iba din ako naalala kay gabby...looks familiar yung attitude hahahah jk)

So ayun. Thanks for getting up and sharing some time with us today paps! Sorry pala kung short notice ha? Yung totoo niyan, napansin ko kasi na parang sad ka again tas yun kinumusta kita kay dayao... eh ayun :( ayaw ko naman magvacation ako na di ko alam kung okay ka talaga or di man lang kita nakakasama. Sorry din kung nalate ka ng uwi...pero thank you talaga :) gawa rin tayo ng forky paps! Feeling ko magandang activity siya na ibigay for kids HAHHAHA

Anyway, ayun. Tulog na tayo ngayon na nakauwi ka na din.

Good night, Paps! See you soon. Missed you! Love you!

Ps: may you always remember na, I/WE are here for you & i/we will cont;nue to stay by your side through whatever as long as its okay with you too :)

-z.

07/12/2019

[wordxbeyondwords]

#53.

Dear Reivax,

Paps! Look oh. Magandang quotable quote. Baka makahelp sayo hihihi

Maybe aside from life being a process, life is a risk with 2 possibilities...

...hmm, siguro my greates wish for you is that, from here on out- the possibilities will always be in your favor. I’ll keep praying for that :)

Good night, Paps! I miss you. Ingat ü

-z.

07/11/2019

“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.” - Leo Buscaglia, Living, Loving & Learning

Get the book here!

[wordxbeyondwords]

#52

Dear Reivax,

There are good weeks and bad weeks. I guess I can say today has been a good week in the psych ward. Cute ng patient ko huhuhaha as in sabi niya “puro nalang mali nakikita mo. Bakit pag may ginagawa akong tama di mo pinipraise *insert nagtatampong sad face here*...kaya ako nagpupunit at nagdadabog minsan eh. Nagtatampo kasi ako” hahaha tas ayun. Mejo naguilty ako ng very mejo slight kasi naman...may point siya. Di ko nga siya narereinforce socially. Puro token economy kami ih di niya tuloy nafefeel na tama ginagawa niya hahaha pero ayun. Happy naman ako na slowly...getting better siya in terms of emo reg, compliance and social skills. In fairness sakanya, natolerate niyang may 5 new people (interns) na kausap HAHAHAH tas tawa din siya ng tawa. Nung pagtapos nila magkwentuhan nung PM ax, grabe siya hahah sabi ko “oh happy ka?” Sabi ba naman “okay lang.” pero nagpipigil ng smile HAHAHAHAH kulit na nakakatuwa talaga siya kanina. Sana always hahaha pero ayun. Nung pababa na kami, pajoke na thank you. Tas nung nagbbye ako- sabi ko, pero seryoso ha? Thank you. Tas um-oo lang siya hahaha haay ngayon tinitrain ko siya mag greet ng hi and bye HAHAHA pero sad lang kasi gusto niya magvisit sa fam niya kaso bawal pa :( haaay at least di siya nagwala at nagcompromise nalang kami. :) good and bad but still kinakaya.

Huy ikaw...bat ang tahimik mo again? Huhu bukas magkwentuhan ulit tayo ha? :)

Good night, Paps! See you tomorrow! Ingat ü

- z.

07/11/2019

[wordxbeyondwords]

#51.

Dear Reivax,

My emotional self has developed its own warning signs and coping mechanisms to when hindi ka nagpaparamdam and I get anxious not knowing kung kumusta ka:

1. Di ako nakakatulog/nagigising ako ng random times

2. Na-Lss ako sa “Leave out All the Rest” to the point na habang naghuhugas ako ng pinggan nakakanta ko siya haha ✌️

3. On repeat yung Linkin Park & Mike Shonda sa spotify playlist ko.

Hahaha kaya eto. 4 am na. Feeling ko nagwoworry lang si emotional self ko. Honestly nagwoworry ako kasi di ko alam kung done ka na sa papers mo and make ups huhuhu di ko kasi sure if pwede ka magenroll if may defieciency eh. Paps, kung kailangan mo ng help ha? Andito lang me.

Malapit na enrollment paps. Would you be okay with that? I can go with you talaga. Sabihin mo lang. hehe. Hmm. Tas after- kung gusto mo, Samgyup tayo? :)

Ps: Paps, sometimes the road to finding yourself is a slow process but eventually, one gets there. It’s just that until that eventual time comes- youre gonna have to try and be proud of every little thing na nagagawa mo kahit hirap na hirap ka. If youre reading this, I’m proud of you! Kasi look oh. You got up today :) thank you for that paps. Now i hope you have a good day;

Good morning, Paps. I Miss you. I hope youre alive and surviving...I hope you are safe. I pray you are okay;

-z.

07/10/2019