wonderingangelsuniverse

[wonderingangelsuniverse]

February 2nd 2018

I don’t even know where to start with all the many things that have been going on as of late. I can’t decide if I should start with two weeks ago or just begin with today. Well there has been an abundance of anger going on within me. I think today is a good example of this. We were all sitting on the couch. I was drinking my coffee remembering back in the day when we used to all meet up really late at night and go to the diner together. The boys would add so much sugar to their coffee. Hope and ApprenticeBoi were reading and Moe was stirring up the whole living room with his intense boredom. That’s when out of fucking no where at 2:30pm Hope just had a seizer mid conversation. He looked around the room and then bam. Kept his page for a while even. I just went and got his dad because I was so pissed off I couldn’t decide fast enough to push him over or let him remain on the couch. Hope and I’ve become significantly closer sense I’ve returned back to Hawaii. I guess his condition keeps getting worse and worse. I swear I can’t remember a time when this has happened so randomly. He bit his tong making blood spewed all over the couch. Gabe heard me tell ApprenticeBoi that he was having a seizer because the small ignorant boy started laughing. Apparently our student teacher relationship is very close as well as I didn’t fucking flip for his immature behavior. The only comment I ended up making was something along the lines of, “ How about you sit and read your book instead of making terrible comments.” He seemed to listen to me as I was being quite urgent. I wasn’t mad at him though. I then spaced out and asked Gabe what he was getting ready for right after he took a shower. I can’t say I’ve been being super bright these days either. I have a theory that I’m just not listening to me as well unless I verbally state what I’m saying. Update: I just talked to Hope’s dad and he mentioned that Hope had just gotten up. That makes this whole situation a lot less concerning to me. I guess the neurologist had explained that he tends to have a his episodes in the time where his brain is beginning to boot up after awakening. I didn’t realize how long it takes for a brain to start running but I also didn’t realize that they could know so much about his problem and yet still not completely fix it.  

Who’s Gabe? Yeah, that goes back two weeks ago when I started this whole gig cleaning air planes. A week before MelloMad and I started Gabe had gotten fired due to the closer of the Santa Maria unit of the airplane company. Sandy, the head director of the airline for Hawaii is stationed in Kona and for the most part to my understanding he runs at least Honolulu as well. He called Gabe only a day after he was fired to offer him a place with the intimate group of mechanics here on the Big Island which was apparently about a month before he came here, That’s when he stayed in the pilot’s grew house for about a month. I guess around six months ago Gabe’s goil Lee Ann died a slow death due to the cancers. I know this experience very well. I feel like Gabe and I are meant to be friends.

Jerry, the lead mechanic of the later in the weak mechanics groups, Wednesday to Saturday, was the blessed man to get us the job cleaning. He lives only up the road from us. He would have been able to help us out in these hard two weeks that nearly drove me to stabbing my best friend haha. I said, “would” for a damn good reason though. The day of the missile or that Saturday, he was riding his motorcycle through an intersection and like most nearly fatal biking accidents was drove into by a car trying to make a left turn. It really is a shame for both Jerry and the now traumatized driver of the car. I guess from what I heard, Jerry got up and walked over to the guy to give him what he deserved in violent words, which tells you the kind of guy Jerry is, before he sat down declaring that he thinks he needs an ambulance. One of the other mechanics on the other shifts neighbor found him and called the emergency services. We saw him last weekend and oh my was he bruised and shattered. His hole left side was completely wrecked. He shattered on of his knee caps and had a giant circular chunk taken out of his leg. His other knee is broken and both spots right above his ankles are fucked. He’s going to be out of work for four months. He told us he’s headed to his mom’s in Cali. I don’t blame him. I would want my mom as well.

With Jerry out of the picture, MelloMad and I would have to rely on the fact that BoldFuck and Mom-o-pan go to Kona each day if we are to return home. Sounds good yes? Our shift is from 8:30pm to 4:30 am. That means BoldFuck and Mom-o-pan cannot be that inconvenienced sense they have children. Fine, whatever, I get two weeks of helping us out while we wait to get paid does seem a little over whelming.... We did get the job in the first place so BoldFuck could quote on quote stay home with his kids. More about this later. I’m so happy to be writing after all this time omg. Alright any how, all these sentences lead up to the fact that Kona Airport is sitting in a dry hot lava rock climate around five miles from the city. No money combined with MelloMad’s inability to walk long distances for some form of foot related problem leaves us stranded at the airport all week. MelloMad and I managed to find a nice culvert buried deep under the highway to take refuge in. The two of us kind of swore off BoldFuck and Mom-o-pan after that because honestly this was insane. I’d end up paying four hundred of the four hundred and thirty seven dollars I made on my first weeks work to them for the month of January after I spent two weeks of that month sleeping in a fucking storm drain.You crazy fucking assholes.

This is where Gabe. our Hispanic 47 year old friend from the gangster areas of both Nevada and LA, would come in. He had the pilot’s car, I can’t remember the model lol. It was a really small two door car that wasn’t even a hatchback. We banned together with him since he was sleeping in this car as he both already blew all of his money on women and alcohol and the fact that Kona living is nearly impossible. Between the three of us our best bet would be to find a car over a house so we could in fact live. Hilariously I found a great deal on this apartment that I’m half tempted to keep trying for, for the four of us. I have a small wish of chilling in the condos shared backyard pool in a pink floaty, like the man from when we were on Hilo side chilling with my wondrous Angel of Melody. Haven’t texted her in a hot minute haha.

Angel of Melody is actually a great segway to why I think Gabe and I are meant to be friends. When he did return the car he joined us for about a week and half in the storm drain. BoldFuck and Mom-o-Pan would come pick us up for the weekend but man does rivet-y metal cylinders *fuck me* sucks to sleep in. I’m gay and I think that amazing and magical fact has to come with some form of repercussion in itself for I live in a time where abnormality, although worshiped, often is actually frowned upon. “It’s good to be unique!” Lies I tell you, unless its going to make you an abundance of cash to swede people other wise. One person that we all know very well as Wondering Angels’s number one anti lesbianism antagonist is MelloMad. He could probably easily defend himself by stating that he doesn’t mind lesbians at all as he watches porn of it.. Maybe? I actually question that lol. Plus lesbian porn is fucking stupid. I tried to tell him but he told me it’s because I want the love and not the lust. It’s probably where I’m watching it. Honestly though, how many time’s do lesbians have to clearly state to people that scissoring isn’t the fucking bee’s knees of lesbian sex? I haven’t even had sex with another women yet and I can agree. I’d give you some sources to this from my hours of researching when I was having a crisis but…. I don’t have internet right now alongside the point that I just don’t want to. It’s hard for me to say something so opinionated on other peoples behalf sense I can imagine MelloMad seeing this as an opportunity to disprove my point. I could even imagine a different color text being typed across here like: This is MelloMad and your wrong because I never hear anyone say that. Yes, I understand your word is way cooler then mine, awesome. Even just yesterday when MelloMad was having a good day and I was asleep in the backseat, I heard him tell Gabe I needed to prove to him I’m gay. Gabe even told me MelloMad thinks I switched… SWITCHED. Look, what the fuck?! I actually did bother explaining to Gabe why this was and it brought up my mother which was good. Actually it all lines up really well. I’m just getting to good at my job. Gabe isn’t homophobic in the slightest and that’s so refreshing. Someone whom of which MelloMad has no influence over would like to hang out with me and isn’t homophobic haha, perfect right? So I can give Gabe support on Lee Ann and he can give me support on my very CLEAR gayness.

Can we stop here to speak about how I’m not fucking curious? Yes, we can because this is my letter to you and not the other way around. Here is a brief essay on why.

I am not curious because, I was born very gay, I have no sexual feeling towards men, and sex isn’t everything. When I was only hardly a handful of years old my brother Chris had a girlfriend named Christal. Christal was this super fucking hot blond chick that I would pretend was my girlfriend. When I was in the third grade I joined the boys and girls club because my friend Liza went there after school as well and she was really hot! I found out she was signed up for the other side of the club. I was quite lonely there but I continued to attend because this sixth grader named Sam, whom was another hot blond, walked the same way to the bus as I would. If I was fast enough getting out of class, I was able to catch her. My sister-in-law and my mom both knew I was gay. Mom’s always know! Secondly I am not curious because I have no sexual feeling towards men. That ALONE should be a good enough fucking reason you ignorant fuck. Finally FUCKTHIS.

Well teach, I didn’t probably not get a very good grade on dat essay but anyways, I don’t know much more about what’s going to happen between Gabe and I accept that he’s going to help me get some spine talking to women. He’s also taught me a bit about airplane mechanics and some Spanish. El avion esto muy limpio. El avion esto sucio. Airplanes are men in Spanish. I am Spanish as I am from Spain and therefore some Spanish won’t kill me sense its so widely spoken. I quite enjoy learning. Trying to get the sentence; my favorite game is life is strange, down now. It’s like: Mi favorito Jewenkn something something esto esto extrago or something. Yep lol one time reading it off Google translate and I got this haha! Ironically I can read Spanish quite well so if I wanted I could just translate everything but meh why not memorize it?  

Let’s go back to the spine and women thing. I was at Gabe’s favorite bar having a single IPA when I staring at the bar tenders ass as she was wearing this cute pair of black short shorts. I think it should be illegal to be that hot because why am I such a sucker for blonds with hips? Her name’s Shy. Gabe informed me last night that she’s trying to get a plane ticket to Maui for her birthday but she has a boyfriend to go with her. Gabe and I were talking before he found this other blond to be bothered with cause he knew what I didn’t and I mentioned to him again that I’m gay. I was trying to be obnoxious about it in hopes Shy would maybe start speaking of it but I think she sadly didn’t hear me. I guess repeating I’m a lesbian, I’m a lesbian, isn’t going to help me get laid any faster but that’s why I need Gabe to help me out. Now, I didn’t think or think she heard me because she was in the other room. Now the sad part before I go on is that she’s the bar tender so she’s supposed to be nice for her own benefit. This is America after all. She could of easily of done this because I’m friends with Gabe or it could have been completely coincidental. Destiny does tend to spoil me. I did state I had no fucking money though and Gabe did buy me the beer. He’s a really good guy. Let me tell you, I was watching chopped all star addition. I’ve really fell out of chopped over the years but it gives me such a nostalgic feeling from back when that was our jam. Did my mom like chopped? I feel like we would watch it together when we were babysitting at my brothers. Remind me to mention this when I tell you something cool about lately. Next paragraph maybe. Alright back to Shy. She kind of was trying to talk to me but I couldn’t keep myself together at all. I was so damn nervous I wouldn’t stop touching myself all over my head like I was trying to calm myself. I had my hands tangled in my hair I was super insecure, I was just all wrong. Really I just wanted to watch Chopped, sadly. The extremely hot girl was making things so difficult. HER VOICE SOUNDED LIKE the Angel or Dreams or Dream Angel’s HELP. I can’t, alright, alright, okay okay. Gabe was gone and only one other person was at the bar. Now I was sitting by the TV where I could read the sub-tittles which happened to be by the register and most of the tap, oops. She had a moment and stopped to read the TV. I looked right at her like a not so sly moron. She turns to me and is like, “Oh she has a wife, that cool to see a lesbian on the show. They should have a strictly gay version of chopped.” She looks me dead in eyes and I just say, “Yeah then there wouldn’t be any room for discrimination.” That’s when the conversation was over. “I’d watch the shit out of that.” or “I’ve always wanted to be on chopped.” FUCKING ANYTHING REALTED TO ME WOULD OF HELPED. FOR FUCK SAKES I’m SUCH A NARASISTIC FUCK HALF THE TIME, ALWAYS SPEAKING OF ME AND HERE I AM COMING UP WITH A COMPLETELY NON ME RELATED THING TO SAY. I guess it’s better then being like, “Fuck me.” Rip…. I was so mad I just ignored her existence even harder and left the bar after drinking the rest of Gabe’s beer. I just angry ranted in the bathroom for a good hour after that. I was chilling in the car when MelloMad and Gabe thought they would pull a prank on me by trying to insist we needed to turn our badges in. I didn’t believe it because MelloMad wasn’t pissing angry. We just went to get Gabe’s new badge scanned for documentation and MelloMad and I’s member ID’s were in too. Now we can fly free on all of our flights. 

Well when we were at the bar and Gabe walked off with that blond, MelloMad messaged me cause I guess he was with Gabe about how the car might get toed sense we left it at our new bank. We opened an account before hand. When I got there I saw the notice from security  under the whipper. A parking violation warning. I snagged it up in so MelloMad didn’t have a direct reason to bitch around or at me. Well I guess he didn’t even see it at all. The blond Gabe was walking with was older and she was all over MelloMad whom was working on some music. He was getting more and more pissed at her annoying him. It was hilarious. We dropped her off at her house in which she was selling due to her Ex Husbands assholishness. I suggested she rent it out xD ;). Hope lost but later after their little fired prank they failed to pull off. I got Gabe good as I walked off, put the note back where it was but now in the airport parking lot and then went to rant in the bathroom as if I was busy. When I returned they both thought they drove with it on the windshield. YEAH totally. Gabe sounded worried for a second and I decided sense there prank was so shit, I’d quickly spoil my good one. I confessed to putting it there, luckily I didn’t get reamed but I also didn’t get a single laugh either which pissed me off anymore. 

All in all I’ve been hella angry lately. Considering how fucking anxious, depressed over his grandfathers sudden death, and emotional MelloMad has been due to just a random on slot of sudden change.. It sucks cause that’s all Gabe knows MelloMad for. Yet Gabe is/has been slightly over emotional too. I don’t blame either of them so I just sit SILENTLY. Somehow I’ve remained mostly silent. I think it might have thrown MelloMad through a bit of a loop. I’m never quiet but I to know I’ve had quite a bit of anxiety therefore to remain strong I’ve just kept quiet during any even potential arguments or problems that could a rise verbally. I must say even with my efforts there has been twice now where I’ve snapped at MelloMad. One time over me trying to help MelloMad find a solution he can effectively use regarding a bank account which we already went over, we both opened one. I was trying to get him to open maybe a pay-pal. You can use a debit card, master card or vista, bought for roughly a dollar or so or even order a pay-pal debit card. No banks involved in that option. MelloMad insisted that at max three dollars was to much but can’t get over them holding his check for over twenty four hours. Obviously both quite irrational rebuttal and to his surprise the nice man who set us up with an account made sure our money didn’t get held. So fuck me for trying to help. The other argument was at work and was literally over how much sugar per flood ounce was in both the tea and monster energy drink and which had more sugar. Yeah I to got tired of this argument just reading that sentence. This is what happened, seriously this is ridiculous as is. I was board and I calculated his tea as the two servings which would come out to 54 grams of sugar in his entire 24 ounce bottle. I didn’t calculate as two servings and did the math of 19 grams of sugar for the 16 ounces. Obviously mine already has less sugar? Well that’s about 1.2 grams of sugar per ounce on the Monster and 2.3 grams of sugar per ounce of tea meaning the tea had double the sugar per ounce. I didn’t even explain all my reasoning to Erwin when he concluded that I was terrible wrong. I listened even though he never gave me a breath to fully explain especially after he pointed out there was in fact two servings in my Monster. He also insisted over and over that there was three times more sugar in my Monster. Well like I said I’m not afraid to be wrong. I love it. usually if said person doesn’t make me feel like shit over it. My love for learning usually out weighs all. So the Monster had 38 grams of sugar to its 16 ounces meaning there also 2.3ish maybe 2.4 grams of sugar per ounce. For some reason when I did the math last time and fixed it and then did it on my calculator the tea had exactly 2.2 percent more sugar per ounce but that doesn’t make any sense meow unless somehow the second time I calculated it during the argument I managed to calculate the percentage. I mean 27 twice is 54 and dividing that by 24 goes into 2 and 6/24 which is in fact 2.4. Which I mean if you just multiply my first answer my 2 its still going to come out the same amount of sugar per fluid once. No matter what it isn’t three times...  I was quite angry he even accused me of interrupting so I suckered him into interrupting me lol. I am considering the idea that he might be literally going insane. I also think MelloMad has a hard time accepting that I am actually very smart. Considerably and debatably, smarter then him. He was frustrated that I finished signing up for the websites we use at work with so much faster then he. He was almost instantly mad at the computer as soon as he laid eyes on it though so I don’t know what he expected. I don’t see why in anyway it matters if I’m in anyway shape or form more ineffectual. I wasn’t born smart I worked hard to be smart. He could easily do this as well and I know for a fact there are things I know not much about that MelloMad knows plenty of. We are equal even if so. I wonder if he just sees me normally as less adiquite so when I do prove him wrong its more frustrating. I on the other hand hold MelloMad to an equal standard. If he does fail in any way I trust him to figure it out or at least I’ll help him. I’m talking so much shit about him because of how frustrated I’ve been with him lately. I really hate how much pent up anger I have even if I know exactly why its happening. I have to go off to work in thirty minutes so I’ll have to continue this whole part another time.

My Mom loved chopped. Remember that sentence? Well My sister-in-law friended me recently on facebook. I’d imagine I’ve mentioned it. I saw a heartwarming post of before she friended me about how she was having a coffee totie 2 remember her Mother-in-Law I nearly broke down crying. I don’t believe in evil. I can’t see the evil. I even had Guy admit to me that hell as of now, according to the Bible, doesn’t and won’t exist until judgment day. I think its ironic and amazing that I was finally able to get him to confess. By the way, I’m not Christian. MelloMad in the mist of our difucklty was contacted by his father’s sisters. His aunts he didn’t know of. This inspired me with my new found friendship on facebook to ask my sister-in-law of my own half sister. I didn’t know her name until now but I’ve known of her for a long time. I’ll have to tell you all about her later but I told her all about me and as soon as she’s completed her cool nursing exam she will respond to her long lost sisters brief life summary. She didn’t even know I existed until I messaged her haha. Well anyways I have to go to work. Stay awesome Pain!              

PS can’t forget about last nights anxiety dream about the room change. That song I showed to jenny. The dream was much wow. Very refreshing and Hope there too    

[wonderingangelsuniverse]

January 13th 2018

I finally wrote about Legend last night! I haven’t ever had that much fun writing, for real. I’ve been waiting so many years to tell his story. I just love him so much. I find his story to be so beautiful. I wish for everyone to be able to enjoy it alongside me. While I was writing, I would stop and hear my thoughts between songs. Missile. a missile, a missile. Wait what, why? The universe was screaming at me. My own voice repeating over, It’s one am and I’m quite spooked but LEGEND is keeping me so busy. Who else could at this point? 

I suppose all these late days of feeling a deep inner heartbreak would finally reveal its strong unpredictable truth.

I hurt so bad right now. I had to face my mortality today. It’s hard to explain. I’m just a soft squishy, cute little human, nothing more, I swear it be true! I don’t want to be incinerated, not on the worlds most active volcano. I don’t want to have worked this hard on me to need to reincarnate and throw it all away. I seek to be satisfied with my life and I’ve still got unfinished bushiness. I want to know what true love is! I wanna experience sex with someone I truly feel for. I still have so much to learn about me, this world, people I love, love itself. What the shit is even is that love stuff? I sat in my closet and cried forty-for minutes later when I was finally notified that it was an accident. It’s just a drill. It’s gone now, the feeling of the missile. Last week about this time I was so sad over the whole thing while I was in the other town. I can really tell the future? That’s one thing but that’s not something I have to sport around, no what I have to do is stay alive. I guess living means a lot more to me right now, more then it ever has before. I want so desperately to full fill these dreams of mine. A nice nook with perhaps a hammock for my wife and I, somewhere not to extravagant, just subtle yet warmhearted in appeal.   

I pleaded to god.

 “Please don’t take it all away from me again. Please don’t take them! Don’t leave me here to suffer alone.” I was scared I’d die but I was more scared I’d lose everything I fought for. I don’t feel like I’ve been to challenged, but I feel like I’m finally getting somewhere. I posted all over social media now. I truly just wanted people to know I loved them. My final wish. Please know no regret and only my love. We are the same, us humans. I am not special as there must be  many people just like me, because we are just unique in our code one number off from the next yet made of the same nine digits. 

Not a single thing is easy for me right now. I’m most literally broken all around. Even looking back at this ten months later has me overwhelmed. It’s so late even now. 

Pain I want you to know bro, I love you.     

#dear diary #misslealert #hawaii #news #warning #alert #universe

[wonderingangelsuniverse]

January 12 2018

I found myself being royally peeved. The heaven’s are on fire at this point. It’s odd whenever I’m like this because it’s not something that I commonly have to deal with. It’s new at least. I wouldn’t say anger is the most intoxicating emotion I’ve felt but it in itself is in fact anger provoking. Angry about angry.. Its like a full body high but on Oh My God I want this to end in an aggressive kind of way. I don’t know what’s up this time although I do have some things I’d like to get off my chest that my anger has so kindly pointed out to me. Anger makes me angery but its like nice to me? This mother fucker needs to step back. First off is regarding my new book fling. It’s not my main ho so I never have to finish it, I’ve just worked on it ever so often for both practice and as a overall relinquish of my inner turmoil regarding my newly discovered sexual preference. I think I have now terminated my overly shocked phase of being gay and am embracing it as though its all flat lined. Plus the ending to this hide ho book isn’t in my favor. I just do not understand how to end a story without it being terribly morbid plus sad, which equals just much yes. Yeah, lets face it, the books going to be this way uncountably, sense I planned it from the beginning. I am not having some sort of inability to part with it either… or am I? I’m just having a string of not being motivated because I am unable to upload a new chapter online. I won’t be able to please my pretend audience of adoring fans. I’m having insincerities when I write as in I am unhappy with the sentences I propose. Then when I review my work I find it completely sanctifying. Is it my way of framing the sentences that is distasteful or my lack of motivation to write Side ho ruining my ambition? It’s amazing how far I have come in this book to just now begin having writers block. I find myself desperately wanting to write out Legend’s story but If I do start writing, will I ever find the motivation of time to go back to Side ho? Yes, but it’s so close to being finished why would I make my completely legit and real audience suffer?

The second things is my encloser. MelloMad and I have been discussing moving out so that we can be free. I feel like leaving here is my next big step for us. I really don’t want to leave without my best Ab boys Hope and MelloMad, but I don’t know if they got it in em. Well, I know they do! Its just the endless circumstances weighing down on them. Together we can do anything though. Like next Christmas I’d love to build them both towers. I know MelloMad is a concol gamer but I feel like I can woo him over to the dark side relatively quickly. Especially if I make sure hes got all the games he could ever want. Three towers, I’ll build mine first and by the time I get to MelloMad’s he’ll have my best one yet. Dolphin and Steam should be a good start. I’m sure I can find a couple other emulators between now and then. He’s going to need like three protectors knowing him. I only dream of how fun our pad in Kona would be. We could have people over for DnD and everything.... Oh yeah I could just dream on endlessly about it all. 

#dear diary #madness #anger #universe #movingforward

[wonderingangelsuniverse]

January 8th 2018

Right from my very waking moments, when even my eye lids were still together, the day was a real test of my strength. No PTSD however, Impressive yes?

“Hey, would you watch the kids?” My thoughts were something along these lines. Is someone talking to me? I think I’m being spoken too…

“Yeah, of course.” I responded so calmly as I recognized the familiar planet I normally exist on. How was I so very calm and collected? I wasn’t mad or sad. No I generally feel pretty good in the mornings.

“So do you want to come out here then?” Uh well, I can. I don’t particularly want to, not right this second, obviously I just woke up. Don’t you people know that women got needs too? I’m still pretty happy... I didn’t say that out loud but its no secret that I was thinking that. My heart remained pounding in my ears and my brain slowly regaining focus. I had no choice but to involuntarily spew any truth of course, but whom was I even talking too?

“No, don’t worry if the kids need anything they can come knock, D... is always telling. He won’t let a thing go wrong.” My eyes opened to reassure whomever that I was in fact able and willing. I discovered quickly that my bedroom door was still shut.. Whomever it was didn’t want to open it. Oh, it’s Hope’s father, ManGuyDude.

“No, someone needs to be sitting out here to watch these kids. If you won’t do it, I’ll just ask the boys.” Oh my god! RED flag, nopity nope. PLEASE do not wake the boys. MelloMad is going to be upset sense he’s been sick lately and he’s grieving. He really needs sleep, plus I know Hope’s schedule doesn’t include child watching. I seriously cannot have ManGuyDude doing such things. Yet it was so toasty in my bed. There must be a fair compromise.

“Just open the door I will be able to hear them, no problem. Seriously open the door it’s fine.” Maybe it would be good to mention I’ll be up in a second? Fuck, he can’t even tell my eyes are open unless he opens the door. Wait did he just back talk me? What the fuck did he say? Where? Is he not there? Are you fucking kidding me right now?!?!? I’ve watched these kids enough times to know how. They’re practically my kids! That’s when I heard him open the boys door. I’m serious, that this wasn’t even the first four and half minutes of the day. Of course MelloMad had already waddled out of his room causing me to sear in anger. I was pretty toasty though so I decided fairly quickly that springing up probably wasn’t worth anything sense the damage was already done. I didn’t wait very long either in hopes I might still have a fragment of a chance to save the day. When I did walk into the living room I found MelloMad curled up in his blanket on one couch, ApprenticeBoi gazing over at me covered in blankets, ManDudeGuy preparing coffee,  and of course J and D.... cuddling up together waiting. No one made any attempt to feed the children which was mildly aggravating, despite the time being still a bit to early to start breakfast.

“ApprenticeBoi’s out here, he’s perfectly capable of watching the small kids or getting me if needs be.” Was a comment I made sometime during this whole escapade.  

“That was super disrespectful, I am perfectly capable of watching these kids, as I’ve done it a million times.” Poor me though. I’m serious! I don’t usually ever care, but not gonna lie, as I wasn’t even able to get the whole sentence out before I was being talked over like whatever I had to say wasn’t worth valuing in any way. I kind of just stopped in the kitchen for a moment with my mouth open as I looked over at MadMello who hadn’t moved but was also throwing words at me. My best friend? Shooting arrows at me while I am trying to express that I don’t appreciate having my fair word disregarded so quickly. He should know most of all that the kids are more then fine considering half the time he spends balls deep in anime rather then giving them a second glance let alone a first. I had agreed to watch the kids. I honestly don’t recall now what exactly ManDudeGuy, said because It didn’t matter to much in the moment as it was just a half washed retort of deviancy about how the children must have an adult present in the living room for some unknown reason that wasn’t ever established by their parents that I mind you don’t ever leave their room. That’s not that bad, really it’s fine, it’s just on top of that I’m being called a childish immature brat by the mother fucker I was trying to let get some extra snooze time in. MelloMad didn’t even stop there as he made sure I understood it was totally okay for me to go crawl back into my fantasy world. Excuse you? My fantasy worlds lately have been quite nightmarish lately, thanks for asking. It’s just I can’t trust myself not to have a panic attack like I honestly don’t know what the fuck is going on lately with these ATTACKS of full on fuckery. More on this MadMello’s assholeness later. For the record though, I definitely stopped to point out that now that Madmello is awake I’ll have to watch him too since he’s is being an asshole. The children are really going to love that. Like fuck that adult up bitch.  

ManDudeGuy has yet to apologize or speak to me let alone acknowledge how rude it was to just toss me aside so quickly. In fact he’s been hiding out all day with his girlfriend, because she is, extremely sick?? Uh whatever, how does one get sick to the point of hospitalization so quickly yet can walk around and speak normally can only puzzle me so much. Look, ManDudeGuy has mad respect from me, because he is both Hope’s father and Hope has expressed many well stories about him. Yes, I have heard stories of bad context as well, but honestly this was kind of odd for me. I get it I’m even younger then Hope, but Hope is an adult. I am an adult, who is adulting. We usually adult together even. Last I checked you were in our house. Alright whatever. Let me give you an immediate example. MadMello did stay obediently in the living room but all the children went into their parents room to watch a movie moments after ManDudeGuy dipped out of the living room. If my door was open right.. then I would now be even closer to the children then MadMello was. My room is across the hallway from their parents. Yet, we always let the children play unattended in the toy room, the backyard, the front, yard, their parents room, the downstairs, and basically anywhere, ANYWHERE. The living room, why is the living suddenly some magic topia of extra attention and thoughtfulness? I’m positive I have witnessed the boys parents chill out without watching them all day. These boys aren’t retarded, actually IRONICALLY, even when we are attending to the boy who is actually mentally impaired, he is frequently left alone to do whatever he would like too. To think that I wanted to stay nice and warm in my nest, while the world heated up, while even the children were on the same page, was insufficient! ManDudeGuy’s made up standards make me interpret quite clearly that for some unknown reason he believes I am unfit.  

Going back to MadMello because I don’t see the point in extending my clearly already completely valid argument against Hope’s fathers unruly disrespect. Back when I first met Madboi-o he was just beginning to grieve over his Grandmother. He has expressed to me over the years that he is quite sorrowful for the way he treated me back then. Luckily, I don’t recall said unhappy encounters, but it justifies his unusual unjustified rudeness. I mean I don’t intend in anyway to let him keep up his untouchable position as number one chief of cooking me so actively for long, but I fully understand. He is the one who over the years has reminded me to look at things from other perspectives, especially people I care deeply about. It’s almost quite flattering that he finds me to be someone he can confine so deeply towards. He can just be his uncensored self and know I’m not going to back out of our friendship. Now, between the two, ManDudeGuy and MadMello, I was feeling quite thrown away. I ended up making pancakes with eggs, doing the dishes, and teaching the boys their homeschooling anyways, with my body brightly ablaze. I didn’t even take it out on the children in anyway unless you count like energy projection. Eh, children make me genuinely happy.

No, it’s not quite like that either. I am flawed as you understand. I retreated back into my room for quite some time to marinate. While I was in my chamber of dark and mysterious overwhelming thoughts of reflection. I discovered something mildly interesting. Quite an earthquake for me actually. MadMello, do you think maybe you genuinely believes my word is faulty these days? Because you’re very convinced that my lesbianism is a delusion? I’ve concluded today that this isn’t officially, well entirely the case. Not because I asked, no I never found an appropriate time. Not for that questions or the reason he belittled me instead of staying silent during this mornings bant. I mean that’s what I’d of done if for some off reason it were I in his shoes. Many facts about Madmello would easily lead me to believe that yes, he in fact does use my lesbianism against me when validating himself and or invalidating me but, I’m going to call it irrational to assume this is extremely frequent or friendship breaking. I would write an entire book on how displeasing Madmello’s homophobia is but then I would become of distaste to him fairly quickly. You know people don’t generally take kindly to others rubbing their faults in their face. I also understand MM believes entirely that he is in no way homophobic. Kind of goes along with the whole; I’m no homophobic assclown but I think the first gay man was seeking out attention when he decided to be different.

I am entirely grateful for Hope when It comes to these kinds of indifference's. I know Hope shares a similar opinion when it comes to not being homophobic, but I also know Hope is completely capable with both rationalizing with MadMello in a civil way and knowing when not to stand by my side. All I mean is that he’s got a fine understanding of both of our sides of the argument and can be a good third head to our Cerberus. I have always felt like he’s unarguably more comfortable teaming up with MelloMad against me, however I also feel like our friendship levels are increasing quite a bit to a point where doing so is less likely, not that in anyway I’m assuming MelloMad may do something like that in the future. I truly believe he is a master of not picking sides, unless of course we’re playing MTG. In that case not a lick of the rules apply to any of us, haha. Hope’s father is a completely different case altogether. I can’t even begin to comprehend a future where I’ve aggravated his father to a point that Hope would have to pick a side. I feel like he would have to pick his father’s side even if his father was completely unjust. It’s kind of what Madmello did. I just didn’t expect him to pick so fast. If Hope and I were hanging off a cliff about to fall into the lava and Madmello could only save one of us, I’d imagine Hope would let go long before He’d be able to grab his hand over mine. That maybe thinking a bit to much into it but, I feel its the truth. I shouldn’t be taking MadMello’s actions against me so personally and I won’t be acting on these thoughts because of my reasoning. These thoughts only come up due to my uncontrolled fancy new ability to feel emotions.

The endless retorts, including ones about my old cat, that I’m still really touchy about, some about old habits I’ve killed years ago, and you know anything that could come up. I felt a good part of the day as if I was entirely being hated for existing, which is interesting in the least. Surprisingly not new to me in anyway but quite unpleasant compared to the past, doesn’t set a very positive mood anyways. None the less, I couldn’t care in the slightest. I know that only gives reason for someone to be more pissed off at me but I’m over living a life where my day has to be shit because someone else is not together all the way. Pushed through all the shit no problem, decided to spend up until Moe got home to hang with ApprenticeBoi, my one and true friend even if he’s 10. Madmello came around at one point as we watched one of our favorites youtubers, Jacksepticeye. I know that’s his way of apologizing or letting me know that he does still care at least. I do to, that’s why I’m not crying.

Moe, I find he’s got a lot on his plate. I also find he is a lead instigator of all of his problems, all of them. He is slowly testing the battleground of his life with new ideas such as, being honest about having homework. Ten problems of a much easier mathematical subject for him to start of the new semester is actually quite pleasing to see. He got the problems down no worries but for some reason coped out and decided getting the answer wrong was good enough. Back when I was in school I became heavily offended when people were in my personal business, although it shouldn’t take him much convincing that getting an answer wrong deliberately is not okay. These questions weren’t hard so he should rake up as many educational scoring points as he can in order to give him some cushion for when his teacher does start crunching him with numbers again. I’m used to teaching ApprenticeBoi how to do schoolwork so when I proved Moe wrong over something basic, I felt him push his frustrations, towards himself, out on me. Don’t worry Moe I’ve completely been there. It’s a fine mix between truly wanting to succeed and being unable to or sometimes being pushed to go on to fast. Between my day and the way he was treating me over a simple question, I was ready to sock him in the face. He doesn’t deserve to be threatened by me. I’m thinking of writing him another good letter. I think that’s what he needs. Some acknowledgment that he can look back on and reflect between himself.            

One second the day isn’t over. I’ll come back to this a bit later as I feel quite wrong ghost writing other people’s lives. Alright, so I thought I was over writing the day out which would have been great because I got a very important job interview that I cannot afford, literally and metaphorically, to fuck up tomorrow. I got some time though so I might as well document the crazy shit. King is barking like a crazy doggo, but King hasn’t been here recently due to the lady downstairs being absent. All the sudden everyone is screaming on the top of their lungs which, by the by, is probably Mom-o-Pan. She is just a bit next level sometimes. I went frantically out of my writing space to make sure the kids weren’t getting into any trouble, well really to make sure I wasn’t in trouble. I’m just a bit paranoid is all. I guess ManDudeGuy and his girlfriend were hiding downstairs in DownstairsLady’s crib space. I’ve been up and around lately despite being away on that not rightfully spiritual trip so I’ve got the fyi on the new housemate renting the downstairs apartment. Odd as days I feel wronged by the quote on quote parent figures around here forcing me to be wedged closer to my friends and today was almost the opposite. I tried desperately not to get involved trying to keep the kiddos herded in the room. Only D... protested and J wasn’t any where to be found. I’d be close to my two friends right now, as I am always loyal to them, it is just I am not infuriatingly mad right now. Space sounds like a good place for them in my opinion. I can hear occasionally the sounds of MadMello spiting at his video games. The report in retrospect, Mom-o-pan wasn’t very happy with Hope’s Father and “Sick” being in the Downstairslady’s space as they are renting to her. We have all concluded this but Hope didn’t get the memo. Now Mom-o-pan is so absolutely fucking bonkers about this whole thing like you’d barely believe it. BoldFuck, told ManDudeGuy and “Sick” that “Sick” was welcome to go use the bathroom downstairs if she really needed. Apparently she expressed great discomfort using the shared bathroom. Everyone in some form of another can relate. In no way instigating this misunderstanding MadMello and I mostly stayed out. Mom-o-Paon on the other hand didn’t buy it though choosing to get out this inner angst she feels against the two boys. She claims she never goes into their room when they are not home therefore why should it be okay for anyone to do such a thing to someone else? This is absolutely truth, I am the one to always go into the boys room when they are not around. We have this understanding, the three of us. I’ve shared a bedroom with the two of them many time’s before. I get Mom-o-pan’s point. I get the feeling violated. The being emotionally overloaded. In some ways she feels she betray ladydownstairs. She even asked me to validate her argument. She wouldn’t of been heard if she wasn’t yelling but she couldn’t be respected for it. I felt this double edge sword today myself. I had no reason not to agree with Mom-o-pan from the comforts of my bedroom. I was just keeping the kids at bay. I can’t pick your side though. I’m actually sorry. You’ll probably never know.

She’s back now trying to understand how someone wouldn’t put two and two together about not…. I had to stop and fight for my buddio’s like a mature adult. So once again documenting this shit for my diary I suppose. Why not right? I very carefully come into the room and I’ve got my hands up trying to propose peace. Good idea right? They accepted my word and I defended myself stating I was watching the kids all day, helping them with their school work like I am supposed to. I wasn’t looking around for perfectly capable older then I adults. Yes, it was quite amusing as Mom-o-pan stated multiple times that I am an authority figure in this household right in front of Hope’s Dad ManDudeGuy, who I rudely paid back by reminding him of his assholeness this morning. Now, he was quite cornered by the all the facts really quick. I both stood up for Madmello, Hope, and I while spiting him. It was kind of bad, nearly disgusting. I tried asking him about this morning, you know... talk it out? He didn’t find it fit to apologize to me sense he doesn’t feel sorry, right? I mean he clearly feels like he was completely wrong this morning. I could see it on his face as I helped him realize exactly where I was coming from. It really just shows his character. A friend of mine would of swallowed it an apologized is all. His excuse was that I said I was sleeping. Perhaps searching for a way to escape? I professed that I may have said that, but I did ask him to open the door. If I did say this though it doesn’t excuse that he kept insisting I must be out in the living room. Why else would Madmello go? Very odd how my story lines up with the facts and his sounds like hes trying to defend himself against me like I’m some unruly snarling demon of perpetuating crimes that I simple don’t want to be bothered with. There is a lot of truth in that statement. Does he not know that we are on the same side? I am his son’s best friend after all. Doesn’t matter Mom-o-pan just pulled the usual get out of jail free card when she began to understand not a single point was acceptable. Penance for Downstairslady is what she wanted to fix her mood but we all know Downstairslady is over it, even though her prior circumstances might suggest otherwise. Downstairslady doesn’t go ten minutes without being thoroughly fucked by METH, literally, not a nickname. Mom-o-pan started to cool though so all is good now. Not the way I was treated of course, that wasn’t cool, but at least viable enough to keep our house together. Everyone got their emotions stretched out in some way or another so this family exercise can come to a close.  

Do I have anything else to say? Yes actually, it’s about Hope. He’s gonna settle and think rationally but he is a strong person. If he sets his mind to it he CAN. Nothings going to stop that boy even with the world against him. I believe it. I worry though. I hope he doesn’t mean what he said. We can leave soon Hope, I know it. I’ll fight for you until the end of our time.

Anyways Pain, as usually thanks for hearing me out. I probably should write like this. Reflection is on thing, straight up gossip is another. At least I know the story would sell. Don’t they usually? Alright love you- Goodnight.                

#dear diary #universe #respect #women #hate #homophobia

[wonderingangelsuniverse]

January 7th 2018

 I’ve noticed something different in me which I think I understand. The universe is astonishing lately, keeping kind. It maybe because my wishes always vary from light to dark in some ways, so it doesn’t have to worry to much about how to find that fine balance between love and torture. I consider myself invested in my own growth as I tend to make sure I learn things I need to for my overall goals of becoming a better writer and most importantly so I may understand the humans more. I realize I have a fine sense of people/psychology as I have never truly been one myself, so I am able to take a not so bias embrace to what I’ve heard is truth from many voices in my lifetime. Mostly empathy not so much sympathy.

This brings me to my point. As we both know I’ve been experiencing raw emotions on a next level basis like I have never before felt. In any case I have expressed that I may need some assistance discovering what true evil within a person is like. I never expected in any way that I would become the dummy. It makes a very large amount of sense to me that in some aspects I must suffer in order to test what darkness is, but for me to be both the antagonist and the victim is a shock. Destiny is the greatest writer and although I too wish to be that good, I almost feel like it has a fairly high advantage over me. Over my existence, even at a young age, I have found that if destiny wants to shake anyone simple put it can, perceive or think such an outcome maybe not so much. Its kind of screwy, I have spent many, many of times writing out all the possible situations that may unfold upon the future. I have gone as far as taking bets with you. I feel like its not always entirely true as destiny attempts to persuade me otherwise with letting me predict small things. The problem is that it appears to keep an equal playing field for all the players in the game. If I am able to predict something then someone with an equal or better ability of anticipation an assumption can also interpret the next move. I can’t decide within myself weather to be mad or what, however my only outlet right now appears to be: to push everything towards the unknown. It’s because of the unknown that I am having these issues. This will never solve my problems and will only just do what I am proficient at which is to withdraw and berry any remnants of my issue. I keep finding myself having no reason to be so sad, not depressed, no, sad. A deep rooted sadness that makes me question if I’m going to stop living shortly. My lead theory is this strong inner emotion that often strikes me later in my day almost but most definitely heartbreak. I thought and I keep thinking, sadly, that I have once before experienced heartbreak undoubtedly, previously in my lifetime, however this is not true. We can come to this conclusion because of a recent discovery, one that separates admiration from lust. I’ve always understood love, as love is something given out. Love is not only something given out but something us humans are often exposed to at a very young age. I however have had a real tussle with lust so far. Not necessarily in a bad way but in a very confused way. Confused to the point that the only thing that makes sense to me, may not make any sense at all in the long run. I feel like the conclusion I have come to is both easily agreeable and nearly identical to the literal definition which should lead me to believe I am correct, although, from my point about destiny, I surprisingly may not know definitively. Let me explain, admiration is an extremely intoxicating feeling that makes me unable to get enough, because I find this person to be godly beyond and I must impress them. I fall unable, silent in fact, and yet I absolutely crave that persons presents. No matter how imperfect, their imperfection becomes my idea of perfection. Simple put, envy to an extreme. Lust is completely different is it not? I have gathered at some point that both lust and admiration enjoy holding hands romantically while they gaze at the vast illuminated ocean at the days end. Lust picks at me like ticks in hidden places, making me yearn for something I want desperately. I don’t consistently want actions from a person, but I feel a consuming warmth, like I’ve been eaten. I feel my blood rush in response to the ticks. The ticks are no unpleasing in anyway, but exactly the opposite of pain. I find myself taken away by lust just as I am taken by admiration except the dreams I have of lust are pearly sexual and admiration treats sex like its embarrassing.

In middle school the trendy thing to do was to have a boyfriend. I have to say I’ve always admired the idea of an intimate relationship with another. As I am/was female and ignorantly unable to be anything else, questioning the boy part in the word boyfriend wouldn’t cross my mind. What I wanted in my partner wasn’t sexual and just included sex in the package, so what did it matter to me? I was never repulsed by the thought of having sexual interactions with any gender anyways. In factuality I had already had intercourse with a male before I even entered the middle grades. I found it very glorious on a physical level. When I found the right guy, it would be both physically good and emotionally good as well, right? I was positive that the right guy would spark greatness in every encounter we made together. Wrapping this up I had absolutely no way of telling or evidence to reconsider about my partner not being a male. Why would I ever set out to make my life any more difficult then it already was? I scouted the halls of the middle school for the perfect male partner, even when I had a boyfriend, and was regarded as very happy. I was even admired for my cute little half cocked relationship I graciously accepted my way into as a kind favor. I loved the thought that someone genuinely enjoyed who I was, and could easily be broken emotionally if I were to protest. I’ve always been quite a kind and gentle soul. The boy I did end up admiring, key word, was a kid I thought was perfect in his appearance. I had little to no idea about him and in no way ever wanted him to mount me. I was addicted to how I felt about him however, always speaking of him kindly, and felt disingenuous stringing my so called current boyfriend along for no reason. If I had to break his heart it was going to be over the truth. The truth was simply because I didn’t find him, or in his defense any man, ever to be sexually appealing. I didn’t feel anything but love for him as a good overall person. always feeling that way over and over again towards admirable male personalities. Back to my walking art piece. My luck was quite fantastic when it came to wooing over the male I thought was perfection, sense I ironically had picked up many females online before. Definitely not an overly obvious hint to my clear lesbianism. I persuaded him to go out with me for a whopping ten days. I however was completely ignorant to this fact and avoided him like the pledge. I thought he genuinely rejected me sense he dashed off and didn’t answer my question. When I finally did catch up with him I found many people cheering in shock for whatever reason. Turns out he had admitted he would like to date me for some unknown reason. I didn’t understand this at the time so I was completely crushed into small shards of melting glass pieces when I did come to the realization. We did not love one another, I am still sure of this, but we were going out for an entire ten days. We never actually hung out or chilled, or did anything at all. He just kind of acknowledge my existence, stuck some half ass gum in my hair and made sure to remind me that my life was shit occasionally throughout those days. It was when he broke up with me and I realized I’d momentarily squabbled my chance that I was truly tortured. I retired from ever going back to my only public school option therefore deciding I could easily be self taught. I have only ever know this as heartbreak.

You however maybe wondering quite deeply at this point on, why or,who or, perhaps how, I managed to become heart broken considering I haven’t been with anyone as of late. I’ve acquired many deep and meaningful connections with an assortment of types of humans so far. One of my dear friends for example displays a personality type I like to consider like minded. Their like mindedness gives my brain a magnetic pull of justification. This person is always ahead of me on deep beliefs/concepts that I try to explore making them everything I could find attractive. I guess hiding that this person is female would be silly at this point, but you’ll have to excuse my need to be discrete. I did mention that I didn’t want to desire to struggle in anyway if I didn’t absolutely need to. Having a partner who could communicate both appropriate and clearly to me some of the answers in which I often seek out hands me no reason not to want them by my side forever. I find them both attractive physically and mentally, although I am unable to give out any physical features they have, I am sure you know whom I am speaking of Pain. Possibly I could go on and on about how I have been emotionally connected to this person, however I am not witting this out to cause myself inner conflict. My opinion on this person hasn’t seeped into the quicksand, because it was ultimately I who decided to be a masochist. That’s right I chose to stomp on my completely legitimate feeling. I debated spiritually and mentally about it but inevitably asked the universe to give me the ability to truly open up to her. How would I ever get anywhere in our already existing relation ship if I am constantly clouded by emotions that I don’t have a license to drive? It seemed illogical to me for many reasons. One major cause being that we had already spoke about in some way of, us. She didn’t break my heart because I find that she does love me dearly. Quite sad isn’t it? Already it’s unfortunate, although I am entirely to blame. It is I who fell for her. It is I who didn’t stop me, and it was I who made the end choice of continuing. Even at the time of discovery of my feeling, I still felt back then that I wasn’t a lesbian. I debated long and hard with myself on the topic of whether or not I believed that I honestly enjoyed who I was as an individual. All because of this heartbreak I poisoned myself with. I have always stuck true to myself so if I did decide that I hated me, it would be a difficult task to change who I am, nearly impossible in fact. I really can’t justify disliking my character in anyway due to my overall life accomplishments.

Finally all of what I have written about will come around now into my new thoughts. I asked the world what true evil was like. The only evil I have ever found is greed. Now I know that true evil can and will come from within. Sense I am now extremely heartbroken in order to speak with a dear friend on the same level, regardless of all the circumstances, I am pissed off. I am unable to be regretful about all of it, I am unable to be to angry at her in anyway sense she has done nothing wrong and doesn’t deserve any form of ridicule, and most important I am not going to be mad at myself for this shit that I didn’t sign up for. I didn’t say I wanted to be gay, I didn’t say I wanted to love her in that way, nor lust. I in no way said yes. I asked the universe questions, I asked the universe for favors. Oh yes I fucking nearly begged for love, because that’s what I was sent to this plane for. I was sent here as a human to do human things and be human and I REFUSE to take the blame for doing what I was called to exist for. No, I caused this, I undeniably did this to myself. I am the victim of my own crime and yet I have no choice but to be entirely angry at the universe. I will thank it, I will take more, I will complete any task it asks of me, but it can’t really be frustrated at me in anyway. NO, if the universe is a friend of mine then it should allow me to be mad. More Importantly because of the truth that it is I who both caused and was effected by said heartbreak. It has ripped a black whole deep with in me. My purity ruined by myself. I see the evil. I see it. I lay my gaze on the darkness I feel, how it manifests from the this sadness. 

Edit from the Future: Blackhole of sadness not heartbreak but a deep warning from the pits of space calling to me, watch out. 

#universe #dear diary #help #heartbreak #heartache #signs #therapy