(603): I made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
(734): please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
(603): :)
(603): I can feel colours
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(708): there can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
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(303): please don’t ironically join a cult
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(336): Did you get good sleep?
(832): I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
(832): So yes.
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(770): imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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(870): had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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(218): Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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(401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
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(832): I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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(804): I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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(763): Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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(815): My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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(256): I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
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(719): My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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