winkong

[winkong]

This house

This house is now where I’m reminded of you the most,

This house where I imagined our future coming together, where I imagined you becoming a part of my family, where the excitable step of introducing you early to my parents guided us here.

This house where ultimately everything fell apart without me even realising or being aware. The room you hid yourself in and had who knows how many hidden conversations with that other person while I obliviously let you have your own space while I went to my own space of wanting to spend time with my parents.

This house where I didn’t learn I should’ve given you as much time and attention as I would’ve outside this house. This house that maybe outlined for you just how little attention I actually was giving you. This house that showed it didn’t matter how much attention was given in the end for it all to end anyway.

This house that houses the memories of our betrayals, where those only times we ever argued happened at the train station down the road. The shadow of our broken connection still cast upon those winding concrete stairs.

I can’t sleep in this house and in this bed where you laid once with me and once without me. How I didn’t perceive you drew near to me just to measure how much you had been pulling away.

This is a cold and unforgiving house, wherein that ghastly wind seems to howl and billow straight through my bones.

But this isn’t my house. And it’s not the house I grew up in. It isn’t the house we met in, the house where we spent most of our days or the house where things finally reached their finale.

It’s just a house with too many empty spots I can still picture you in. Yet you don’t belong in this house either, as much as I ultimately don’t.

Like how I don’t posses any real attachment to this house, so I no longer have any attachment to you.

It was in the supermarket in the neighbouring suburb, buying groceries with my parents that I said to myself truthfully that I don’t love you anymore.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever come to love this house,

[winkong]

I'm afraid of what this has grown into

I'm afraid of how this has grown.

This issue has grown beyond Faye.

I do think, for the most part, I have moved past what happened with Faye. What happened is still angering, and the memories are still hurtful, but I am not angry, and I am not hurting.

But now its worse. I've allowed it to be the case that how other people handle or don't handle this chapter of Faye in my life affects how I view their relationship with me.

Its now become that if they don't ask about Faye at all, then they don't care about me.

And those little details like mistaking her for my ex-girlfriend and not ex-fiancee are what piss me off the most.

I get so offended that others don't feel injustice or disgust on my behalf. That others just go on as if nothing happened and/or that everything is okay. I feel its excusable for Faye's core group, Isabel, Phoebe, Sue. Thats what I prayed for. That she would stick close to her peers, that they would be a good godly influence on her and keep her walking down the right paths.

But of course that still stings a little bit, and I know I necessarily can't be in too close proximity to them.

But I'm torn that Rach still put Faye in that bible plan. Does that mean Faye is still going to her CG? Despite all that 'moving to City' bullshit? Does that mean I can't talk to Rach about it? Does it mean that even if I told her everything, ultimately for the sake of 'building the church' she wouldn't' give a shit about it?

Does anybody give a shit about it?

Does Renee give a shit about it? She says all the kind words, and all the encouragement horse shit about my worship set. Bitch, I know my worship set will work. I've been doing worship music for over a decade. And its a set that was birthed out of my own pain and search for God. I don't need your encouragement or validation on the worship set. Especially not when you have barely said anything to me about how am I really doing with the events that transpired. Instead you just texted your husband a few questions and got him to ask them to me for you, then say his cliche pastoral crap he read out of a textbook. I guess at this point, sometimes I'm even surprised that you guys even text. It doesn't seem like you two communicate that tightly together, so I'm not that surprised you communication with team leaders and congregation is not that strong.

I hate writing like this. I hate having this hateful mindset. I hate thinking the worst of people. I hate feeling this disappointment. I hate scrutinising every word that Yammy and Renee say. I hate that I've just put Allan Brown in the same box too since Yammy didn't set that up properly. I just don't want to deal with this.

I can't fix this. Its already been broken. And things have already changed. It can't go back to how they were. No matter how much people act like it can.

I don't care to talk about church building anymore. I couldn't' give a fuck about the church anymore. How stupid. How dumb. How ridiculous. The newly appointed worship leader doesn't give a shit about the congregation. The newly appointed WL believes the congregation should be smart enough to sort out for themselves how to lead themselves into worship. This is so stupid. This is so dumb. This is so hateful and so sinful. What the fuck am I doing.

I know I need to start caring again. But its just so hard when you see the cracks and breaks in everything. And you know they can't be easily fixed, and they definitely can't go back to how they were before.

And when you get this sense, that the other people are so self-unaware, that there is very little hope of bringing it to a place where its more authentic and stronger than it was before.

Should I just call it quits? Should I just give up?

How is it that I let this situation with Faye end up like this, spreading and affecting so much. How is it that some stupid, unintentional act of some stupid little girl I can let fuck up so much of my life and have such overreaching repercussions?

Am I able to just let go? Am I meant to just let it go?

I don't know.

I'm just tired. And I hate being in this spot.

[winkong]

Finding it hard to deal with again

Decisions. Choices.

What are the point of either, when the goal posts changed again.

I feel like so much has changed this year. Everything changed this year. But not in a way that things became new, but that amongst the old things it was determined what should stick and what should be discarded.

Why is it now that I am beginning to feel angry with God. When He is giving me a great work opportunity, to be able to take some leadership, to be at the beginning of something, to grow technically, to work towards Staff Engineer. Just because it felt like the rug was pulled from under my feet. Just because I had been mentally preparing myself to complex conversations and finally figuring out and defining what I want in my job, for it to be all tossed up and reshuffled in the air again.

It reminded me of when I had made that decision in my heart to marry Faye. How that just got entirely ripped out, why is it when I finally decide on what I want, it becomes something I cannot have anymore. What was the point of labouring over defining and discovering that desire then, if it cannot be an eventuality? To the point that something so ridiculous happens to make it so definitively impossible for me to go with what I thought I decided I finally wanted?

When am I going to be able to catch a break. When am I going to figure what the fuck am I doing with this stupid life of mine. When am I finally not going to be toyed with by the universe, by God?

When is it really going to sink into my heart and my spirit that I indeed can trust God in all things, rather than feeling upset like Jonah about all these stupid things?

I don't know what to do about North Shore. I feel an obligation to stay. I feel an obligation to give second and third chances. To give Allan Brown grace, even though he has not been the one to even ask "how have you been" whenever we see each other in person, I guess because although my words might say "hello" the rest of my body language and tone is saying "fuck off."

To give Min another chance, to be understanding that maybe he shut down when I revealed there was a third party involved, because of his own experiences. But it just doesn't make sense when he was the one that brought that up so many months ago unprompted. Was that not a 'sign' that he would be someone good to talk to? I fucking hate all these dumb signs.

Why is it that some people are so right to talk to? Like Zach, and like Mons, and like Moana, and Jeremy, and the black humour jokes Ethan always throws?

And why is it such a constant struggle around elephants in the room with Min, Yammy and Renee? Why is it I feel obligated to keep trying with them, rather than just letting it be and moving on, after having realised indeed we're not really friends after all.

I'm tired God. I'm exhausted. And I want to sleep, and I get myself settled in bed by midnight, but then here I am, again at 2AM having to journal to try to deal with all these circular thoughts that keep me from getting any sleep, any rest.

"There's no rest of the wicked, and God, how I've sinned."

Is this what I deserve, since I am a sinner? No, I deserve for worse than this. I guess I just have to impatiently wait until this all ends and things actually can move on.

[winkong]

A lot has happened

A lot has happened, but I haven't felt the need to journal about it.

The fuck ups with Yammy, and finally having that chat. Faye doing her dumb shit of supposedly moving to the City campus Chatting with Bryan, telling Mons and Isaac. Updating Kai.

But it was this chat with Isabel that contained the trigger.

I wrote it so many times and deleted it so many times, because it is cruel to say, and I feel like a horrible person for saying it, for admitting it, but this is just how I feel. That I do not give a fuck about Blaire's dad.

And that somehow, the death of her dad makes the situation worse. That the thought occurred to me that that would be one thing Faye and Blaire would've bonded over, that upon that news maybe thats how they fell in love for each other. That when Faye argued with me to keep Blaire out of it, that she is innocent, she was thinking about this fact. The notion that the death of Blaire's father was used to attempt to justify what happened. That even Isabel said 'I dunno'. It does not make it any less not okay. It disgusts me to think that I should have sympathy for Blaire because her dad died during this whole thing. And it disgusts me that I feel such disdain and hatred for her, instead of love and compassion because her dad has died, and I have never experienced a parent dying and can't imagine what it would feel like.

But I guess those two do.

But what I do know and have experienced, is how much Faye hurt my father. I remember so vividly looking back at the car as they dropped me off at the airport and dad just balling his eyes out as he put his hands at the wheel and had to drive off. And the anger in him when he recalled the memory of Faye saying 'thanks dad' for parking her car, and how touched he felt when he heard that.

I'm so sorry dad.

I'm so sorry you had to feel this pain, like I feel this pain.

But oddly enough, I feel so grateful for you dad.

When nobody dared to ask, you asked me point blank whether there was a third party involved. When it seemed like nobody seemed to care, you probed me and got the truth out of me. When it seems like nobody acknowledges or understands the weight of the injustice that has happened, you cried more about it than I did.

Its such a weird thing that through this hell of a situation is where I have witnessed the real love of my father through it.

The one thing I don't know if I can forgive you of is hurting my dad.

And so, maybe the one thing I can't be forgiven for is not giving a fuck about Blaire's dad dying.

[winkong]

The viral load

The last two weeks have been really tough. I thought I had mostly come out to the other side of the woods. I thought I had honed my mental agility skills at dealing with the trauma and the hurt of it all.

The metaphor about smell and memories, the image of the walls of frustration and anger coming up and chipping them away, and even the picture of the knife that she stabbed me in the back with, that I have to hand over to God rather then continually reintroducing into my wound again.

But like a viral load that builds up into a full blown sickness, the last 2 weeks have proven difficult to weather through.

I am glad that I did not have any contact with Lo for a few months. What she disclosed to me about Faye's coldness, and either actual delusion or attempt at self justification was infuriating. To hear about how little she cared for me and just how much she viewed what she did or didn't do was not wrong. And it was a small win that Lo saw right through that bullshit, that I haven't just been looking at my situation with bias that I am the victim. That objectively, other people hearing the story even before hearing my side could tell Faye's was bullshit.

But then there was the call with Yvonne. Which in the moment was good to vent and good to talk through and good to have someone else who now knows of the actual situation. But it was that impression that she independantly got on how infatuated, or I guess, "in love" Faye had become with Blaire, that has been plaguing my mind for most of these days.

Maybe Faye never became infatuated with me. And maybe I was never displayed openly my infatuations with her. I don't think that thats true. I enjoyed touting her as 'my fiancee' to Kate in conversation. I remember smiling to myself, thinking I'm the luckiest guy in the world, whenever I'd kiss Faye goodbye and close her door. I feel like such a loser now, to think that on the other side of the door, who knows, maybe Faye was giving a sigh of relief that this dickhead was finally out of her apartment, and she could go back to texting chinese secrets over wechat to her bitch in crime.

I hate that I can't wholedheartedly enjoy my friends weddings. I hate that a significant portion of my mind is hung up on the fact that I feel its not fair. That my non-christian friends are all getting family married and into stable relationships. That they're somehow making it work. And yet, me, the christian, seemingly went into this wholesome christian relationship, engagement, tried to do the right thing by stopping sexual activity pre-marriage, and instead its like I'm getting 'punished' for my addictions and sins.

I know this is not the case. I know that Faye and I breaking up is not punishment. It is instead a miracle. It is instead protection. It is instead God intervening for the both of us, because it seems pretty evident that later on down the track our personal problems would've become much bigger problems between us.

As much as my mind is good at bringing in reasoning, logic, explanation, my heart is still feeling so much hurt over reliving and recounting the fact that Faye without a hint of hesitation chose Blaire over me. And my mind just can't let it go.

It feels like I'm moving backwards again. Like I'm back at square one again. I thought I had moved on further than this. I'm hoping that writing this blog at 2AM will help me move in a forward direction.

But these days, it feels like everything is becoming a trigger for me again. Siqi keeps reminding me of Faye, simply because she is a mainlander. In fact any mandarin that I hear triggers me. As well as peoples iphone ringtones when they're the same as the wechat tone that I had. I've become so fragile again. I've been finding it hard to forget, to move aside, to focus on other things again. I can't let this take over me again. I thought I had measures in place to handle this, that my mind was stronger and more agile than this. But it feels like I'm regressing.

I just feel so unhappy about it all. I can have resolution about it. I can understand it. I can believe that God has been good throughout all of it. But I can't help feeling so unhappy about it.

I guess in terms of the viral load, its not that detrimental but it was also not that helpful that we happened to bump into Lucie and her new bf Kyle. Kyle is a super cool guy, and I saw that they had chemistry, sparks between them.

I know that God is looking out for me. Even if we go down that childish thinking of the 'signs' that God has been giving me, isn't the fact that Lucie and Kyle happened to walk past the bench Lo and I were sitting at at 9:45pm on a Wednesday an incredibly clear sign that I'm not the one to be dating Lucie? That yes, you were right Winston. Now is not the time to be thinking about getting into a new relationship. Now is the time to wait, and to work on yourself.

I dislike that answer. Its simple, but its unenjoyable too.

Its all a daily grind.

I'm hoping this journalling will help with the daily grind. Even journalling is something that brings up the smell and memory of Faye.

I wonder what depth of secrets belong in those journals of her. What would she have written about me? What was the true narrative playing out, the one omitted from those romantic, pure journal entries she recited for me onto our anniversary CD. Evidentally, that can't have been the whole picture. I never knew the whole picture. And now, I'm not part of the picture. In fact, maybe I never was.

I swore to myself I wouldn't shed another tear over this girl. Over this dumb situation.

But I just can't help but feel so unhappy right now. I'm gonna keep going. I'm gonna keep moving forward. I'm gonna keep myself from disappearing and from giving up and giving in to the shit of all of this.

But I feel unhappy about it. That's just reality. Holy Spirit I need You. I need You to come and fix me. I've let myself get so broken by all this shit.

God, I know that You love me. And I know that that is all I need. All that I should need. All that I ought to need.

Why am I trying to fill this void with anything else. Why do I still feel so unhappy and upset about this whole situation with Faye. She isn't even a topic of discussion amongst my high school friends. For all they care, they only care for me, they don't care at all about Faye. She's irrelevant and insignificant to my life story according to them. It's been months now. Why haven't I moved on yet?

When will I stop being upset and unhappy about all of this? Is it when I become indifferent to it all? The fact that I'm not indifferent, does that show that I'm still in love with Faye?

I just don't want to become indifferent. I feel like the cost to become indifferent will be to let a significant part of myself die. The part of myself that believes in young, romantic love. I don't want to die to that belief. But its really hard to keep living with it right now too.

[winkong]

Putting this here, because I guess it belongs here

A video message I want to send Fei, but also know that I don't need to nor should, Hi Fei,

I thought I’d send a video message as it’s a bit more personal than just a text measage

But I just wanted to quickly say, I’m proud of you for speaking with Renee.

And also, I’m praying for you, and for Blaire, that you would find healing in Christ, that you would know your home is in Him

Anyway, that’s all.

[winkong]

Projecting

Do I actually like Lucie, or am I just projecting? I think she's beautiful, its objective that she is beautiful, she is gorgeous. But am I just projecting feelings onto her?

I spend all this time at home, at night staring at my ceiling coming up with all the reasons why I like her, why she is perfect, why she is amazing, why I should just give it a go, even that I should just ask and get a rejection out of the way.

But then, today, I can't get past the fact that it feels like we have little to no chemistry, beyond friends. Sure, we can have a good laugh about dumb things, I can complement her sparkly socks, but I don't feel any sparks from her. And I don't want to be deceived that what 'sparks' I could feel for her are just boughts of lust.

And I feel like I have better laughs and banter with Nathalie. And I feel like I have better conversation about life with Elya. But maybe thats because I'm not so interested in them. I feel much more free speaking to someone I feel there is no interest in the picture.

But therein is the problem. What if the sign that I am interested in Lucie is that I am so silent around her that she even has better conversation with Steven the 100% introvert and Mike the ex bf that there will never be chances for sparks between us?

I don't understand love. Love between Faye and I formed out of a fundamental misunderstanding that we each thought we were into each other. And love was revealed to be an illusion between us when fundamentals problems of who we could love due to sexuality were revealed.

I know love is something that has to be grown and maintained, but how does it even start? Is it birthed out of infatuation? Out of lust? Out of a list of requirements and 'good features'? Out of mushy feelings and mixed signals and stupid games?

I don't get it.

I think I get that I should just cool off. I shouldn't pursue anything in this current state of utter confusion. But I can't help but feel the disappointment in my spirit and my heart. A spirit and heart that had leaned in so ready to commence a life within marriage, to want to grow and cultivate a beautiful partnership and life of devotion to one person. One woman.

But now I don't have that. And I have no idea how to get back to that place. I had gotten close to there on a fluke with Faye, and as truth would have it, that was all a horrible mistake.

And so, I just don't know with Lucie. I definitely don't understand the signs. What does it mean for her to be the only one that recalled and commented on the proposal song? What does it mean that she replies to some lame joke I made 36hrs after the fact. Probably just that shes working a lot and she's tired. But the reply doesn't have any sparks in it either. And it doesn't seem like she really wants to create any opportunities with me either.

I just don't know. I want to be content alone. It would be so much easier. But I also want to be in a marriage, in a partnership. But I just don't know how its meant to happen at all anymore.

[winkong]

Tonight, I'll have seen Broods more times than I've been in a relationship. Also I've always been single whenever I've seen Broods. And oddly, within a month of seeing Broods I've been in a relationship. Who knows, third time lucky? "Wishing I was lost with Lucie"?

[winkong]

Doesn't make sense

There are so many things that don't make sense.

Why you got us to buy the wedding bands. Did you really intend for us to wear them? Did you really just spend 2K to just 'try it out', to see, to feel what its like? Do wedding rings really hold no value of commitment to you? I guess that statement does hold some sense to it, as you have had experience taking off a wedding ring before.

There are a few things that do make sense.

To break it off when I did. To make that decision not to wait to speak to you, to confront you, as soon as I had substantial suspicions there was something between you and Blaire.

That we broke things off during our engagement, before we got married. Before we got even more entangled. Before we could destroy each other any further.

(Its kind of funny how, at the time of writing this I was sure there were so many things that didn't make sense, but I can only thing of one example now. Maybe I have managed to reconcile and be at peace with the rest)

[winkong]

I thought I would find healing in these two weeks back home. I thought that being around the love of my family would bring me a lot of healing, to recentre me and refocus me as an individual.

Instead, this house has become what smells the most. I don't know why it didn't smell so much when I was just back here the weekend after we broke up. I guess I was very much still in shock, it very much had not sunk into my emotional being yet.

But now the smell has really expired, and the reality has really sunk into my emotional being. I hate that everything in my home reminds me of you. I hate that I'm letting you take away what is meant to be a safe space for me.

I remember so many things. I remember the feeling of having your arms wrapped around me in the bathroom in the mornings. I remember you first stating how you felt so cold in melbs. I remember you calling me "babe" through the bathroom door. I remember the four of us sitting at the dinner table, where the conversations were much lighter between you and my parents getting to know you.

I remember so many things that are now tarnished. I remember you deciding to retreat to your room every night straight after dinner, assuming it was just to recharge as an introvert, being okay with you not wanting to spend so much time talking to my parents, oblivious to the fact that maybe you were probably texting Blaire each and every one of those times. I remember that moment when you climbed into my bed and we spooned, and my dad saw us. And how I apologised to him for us acting disrespectfully in his house, that we should wait until we're actually married. And now, this insidious thought fills my mind on why did you come to spoon with me? Were you comparing what it felt like to how you spooned with Blaire the night before?

And why did you take that photo of you on my phone, of you lying in my bed? Did you want a comment from me? Did you want me to say something? Something more than what I already said to you through proposing to you? Through the custom design made out of the letters of our name that I had engraved on the ring I gave you? What is it that I didn't say that was not already obvious?

How is it that you kept the wine bottle from when we first kissed as a fond memory of our love, but you took down the photo of us together at Jess & Brad's wedding on your fridge? That you flippantly wore that ring on your finger without any emotional attachment or committment to us?

Whats wrong with you?

It has to be something wrong with you right? I've thought about it over and over and over again on what I did wrong, on what I could've done better, on what mistakes I made or what I could've said or done to be a better boyfriend, better fiance.

And yes, I do concede there were small things I could've done better. But is it not true that even all of them combined to not amount to any percentage of how you royally fucked this whole thing up?

And yet, I'm the one cleaning the majority of the mess. I hate that I don't even know if you feel any heartbreak at all. I honestly don't. And again, its one of those situations where I don't know whats worse, that you don't feel any heartbreak or that you have not shown any of it to me. You cried once and said "I'm sorry", which I already felt was insincere since this was before I found out you were cheating on me. And you texted once to say you were on your knees praying to God. But about what? If you're still living in the dark, living in sin, living to fuck Blaire and fuck me over.

I haven't done no wrong at all, of course my porn addiction is wrong, but why must I have to do so much cleanup for this mess?

I guess it is a mess I got myself into. I gave you so much of my life, of my emotional capacity, of my comfort, of my love. So much that you completely and utterly destroyed me. I'm still standing, I'm still here, but I am destroyed. I am broken. I am so heartbroken.

Why must everything remind me of you. Why must everything smell of you.

You already pushed the knife in. I've already pulled the knife out. When am I going to stop bleeding.

[winkong]

A smell

My counsellor advised me to give these feelings a language in order to give it more of a description in being able to define it and handle it.

Right now, the description I can come up with, is that it is something of a smell. From a perfume that I had used before. A perfume that once held a fragrance that I loved, that I adored. So much so, that I immersed myself in it. I covered myself in it, I bathed in it, I applied it to almost everything around me, so that everything I touched and everywhere I went would carry this scent.

But little did I know that this scent would have an expiration. That it has now become somewhat of a curse. Now that I have drenched myself in it, this once beloved fragrance has become as troublesome as a foul stench. A smell that I cannot easily berid of, that follows me around everywhere in everything that I own. A smell that I encounter out and about in so many different places, as they envoke so many different memories.

Some days, well most days, I wish I could get rid of the smell. To other people it is invisible, life remains odourless. Faye would never just come to mind. But for me, this intoxicating, insipid smell seemingly permeates through every part of my life and my surroundings. It feels like everything reminds me of Faye, everything has some little scent and some little memory attached to her. Such was my life. I filled it completely with Faye, until she had some part in almost every little detail of my life.

It's exactly like how Anya put it. I gave Faye permission, full reign and full power, able to hurt me so completely.

And so now I don't know how I'm supposed to move on.

I can't wash the smell out of my life. I can't close my nostrils from smelling it everywhere. Is it just a matter of waiting for the smell to fade away in its own time? How long will that take?

I wonder if in this exercise, I am meant to come up with a different metaphor for how I'm handling this grief, this loss, a metaphor in which I have some control on being able to shelve it away at least, or being able to remove it.

Because this one of smell that is currently in place is completely able to be uncontrollable. I can't control smell. I can't control when and how it will pop up, and for how long, and how intensely.

I want to be able to control these feelings of mine, but maybe I can't. Maybe not just yet. They still very much fill the forefront of the atmosphere, not so that it is debilitating, but such that I take it very much as a sign that I have not moved on yet.

I want to move on. I so desperately want to move forward. To be able to live free and with joy in my mind. To be able to work again at rebuilding love, romance and relationship in my life again.

But I can't do that when your scent still lingers. I can't do that when you're still infecting me, when your memory is very much still intruding my mind and squeezing my heart.

Maybe its about leaning into my other senses.

Leaning into hearing the Word of God, Leaning into seeing the goodness of God throughout my life. Touching that which is tangible, which is real and a part of reality, the stable things like friendships, brotherhood, loyal connections in my life. Giving a go to 'taste and see' what is out there for my next small steps.

[winkong]

It still makes me feel sad to think about it, because it is objectively a sad thing that occurred.

[winkong]

Message to Fei

Fei,

I know I don't have a say in how you live your life. Actually, I never did. You always held the responsibility over how you conduct your own life, and I want to always respect that.

But, I'm writing this message and I'm reaching out to you, as I still care about your spiritual wellbeing, and I also still feel I have a duty of care towards our church congregation in North Shore.

This is none of my business, and I don't want to and don't mean to intrude on your life, your lifestyle, or your choices. Please know that I bring this up with you, out of a place of wanting to exercise grace, and a desire that you would receive the right Godly support that you need in your life right now.

A lot of this is speculation based on what I've heard and what I've observed of what's happening in your life right now. And again, I acknowledge that this is pure speculation, and if my assumptions and conclusions are wrong, then you can tell me they are wrong. I only seek to have honest communication with you. That's all I've ever wanted with you. I am regretful that we don't communicate anymore, that we don't communicate honestly anymore.

But so, what I've observed is that you've pulled back from your friends and christian peers, like Isabel, Sue and Phoebe, and what I've heard is that you moved house, somewhat unannounced to those peers and friends.

It is a baseless assumption, but upon hearing this word, my mind immediately conceived the idea that you have moved in with Blaire. I hope this is not the case. I hope that I am just totally wrong, jumping to ridiculous conclusions, and that you will be able to tell me that that is a ridiculous accusation and how dare I think you would do such a thing.

But if it is true, that you've moved in with Blaire, that your relationship with her has escalated, unbeknownest to anyone, kept in the dark and in secret, I'm sorry, but I don't think that is right.

This is separate from the issues of same sex attraction. Already for heterosexual relationships, many church leaders would advise couples against moving in together before they are in a committed relationship (i.e. married).

If you really have moved in with Blaire, I don't think its helpful for either of you. And more importantly, if this is really the situation, it is more imperative that you inform Renee & Allen, and give them the opportunity to make an informed decision on whether its appropriate for you to continue being a connect group leader.

Fei, I don't want to hurt you. I don't to hurt Blaire. But I also don't want you two to live in the dark. I won't understand how difficult it is to 'come out' as gay or whatever to people, but I do believe that Renee & Allen will be accepting of the sexuality and identity of you both, and I do think you will benefit from letting them know, so that they can pastor you and support you both.

You can't kid yourself and tell me that you have everything under control, that you're fine, that you've got it all worked out and you can manage this yourself.

I've wrestled with these thoughts a lot, and I think that if you really had everything worked out yourself, then you wouldn't have dated me in the first place. And you definitely would not have cheated on me with Blaire, you would've been level headed enough to have told me that you were no longer attracted to me, before starting anything with Blaire. I want to believe you are still a good, kind person, and I want to believe the only reason there was lying and deceit within our relationship was because you were indeed in a messy, confusing place, trying to figure everything out, not intentionally trying to cause anyone any harm and pain.

And so, I'm reaching out to you, to ask you to please have this conversation with Renee & Allen. I do want you to be able to tell them on your own terms, to have control over your own story.

But I do feel obliged to let them know if you won't.

I say all of this with a sincere, pure heart. I hope that you can see my intentions, and that I do indeed want the best for you and for Blaire.

- Winston

[winkong]

It's still hard.

It's still hard. It's still difficult. It still fills me with sadness and grief, the things that remind me of my time with Faye. My love with Faye, my love of Faye. Weddings are hard to sit through. Maybe Jess & Jarryd's one wasn't so bad because it was situated within that initial period of shock, before the emotions had settled in, before the ridiculous situation had settled in as my reality.

It's hard sitting through other peoples weddings, fully celebrating the union of two incredible people, and yet fully aware of the brokenness that has come about of our relationship. What our relationship used to be and the fact that it is no more.

I think back on what I promised you. On the words that I wrote for you, the melody and the lyrics, the things that I pledged to you. And how actually, it all ended up being one sided. When it all comes down to it, you didn't promise me anything. You didn't oblige yourself to anything. There was not one thing that you guaranteed for me. You are and always will be just going with the flow. The flow of your own feelings, however fickle, however self-centred, however self-fulfilling. At the end of the day, if your feelings cause you to flow in one direction it doesn't matter to you how I feel. You never promised me anything. And yet, I feel like I promised you everything.

I promised to spend the rest of my life with you. I promised to want to be with you through every season, through every hardship, through every disagreement and through every challenge. And yet, the Bible speaks of one situation in which marriage can be rightly severed, which is when one party commits adultery against another. And so, I know and can be assured that it isn't wrong for me to have quit when I did. To have not accepted what was not acceptable, and to have done so swiftly. And yet, I still feel some form of remorse, and I still feel some form of guilt towards who I might want to pursue next.

Because I was in this place where I had gone 100% all in for someone. Only for it to have crumbled completely. Only to now have to go through this excruciating process of ripping myself out of this thing that I had been 100% in. And with that, comes so much self doubt. Did I really love you? Was I really ready for marriage? Was it you that I really wanted or just the notion of you? The notion of marriage? The notion of having sex?

I go through waves of confusion and doubt. Doubt in myself, my own judgement, my own decisions. How can I ever be sure that I'm ready to engage within another relationship again? And yet, I feel like there shouldn't be anything holding me back from that.

But actually, there is a lot holding me back from that. The intrusion of guilt and sadness that overwhelms me whenver I remember 'us together' is what holds me back. Maybe I can't just tell myself, it wasn't real, it was all a lie. I still don't know which is sadder. If it was all a lie and you never loved me, or if it was true, that you did love me, but that you fell out of love for me and fell in love with some bitch that you knew for just a month.

I still feel like such a mess. Like such a fuck up. How could I ever bring that into another relationship? Someone like Lucie deserves so so much more than that.

And so, whats the outcome right now? Do I just stay in this sadness? Do I just stay in this state of grief, remorse, feeling sorry and pitiful for myself, as I continue to attempt to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, and the pieces of having to deal with this fucking mess that you won't take responsibility for?

I don't know.

All I know is that this still fucking hurts. Life still fucking hurts. I know with time, it won't hurt as much. But right now, yeah, It still just fucking hurts.

[winkong]

Another week

Fine. I'll wait another week.

I finally get to the point where I feel I'm ready, its appropriate, and its out of my duty to tell Yammy everything about Faye and I can do it not in spite or revenge. And its the week they're taking annual leave.

I get it. They've had it rough lately. And its not their fault they're not available when I finally feel able to speak up.

I'm just sick of this though. I just want to move on, move forward. But I have to now navigate another week of battles in the mind over ruminating this stupid information. This new information that Faye has suddenly moved house. This suspicion that she's moved in with Blaire. And yet another thing on the list of things that should be unacceptable for a CG leader to do.

Even now, I am debating what exactly is the 'right' thing to do. To tell my pastors upfront everything? To first yet again ask Faye why she hasn't been upfront herself, to give her another chance to clean this mess up herself?

I actually would love to just not get involved. To be able to trust Faye to inform Yammys herself. To be able to trust Yammy to follow up and sort it out with Faye.

But I have this hunch, that nothing is happening. And my friends have all been saying I cannot just sit idly by and let nothing happen. But I do actually want to just not get involved. I don't want to deal with this mess. This mess is not actually mine.

"I will clean your fucking mess And leave no trace of evidence"

What am I meant to be doing, what is the right way to go about this. Its exactly like that 15min before I drove to Fayes house. I know that the action(s) I take next will be detrimental ones and ones I know will further strain relationships and make things worse. But I also know I can't just sit idly by.

[winkong]

Personality

In conversation, Monique said “well, you’re not like those stereotypical engineers cos you have a personality”. A simple comment at an interesting time. When the night before, I had just been doubting if I had any personality at all. If anybody liked hanging around me at all. I was completely shut off and silent sitting across from Nathalie. Just didn’t have anything to say, anything to ask, anything to share. Just didn’t want to talk or socialise about anything.

Tonight was one of those small windows where I felt I could get back into that groove a little, be a little less self centred and self defeated and engage socially a bit more.

It’s been hard. I have not had much energy for it lately. I definitely didn’t have the energy to attend the SH BBQ. To have to mitigate conversation with Jono Chan. He’s just not self aware, but I know that’s mean that he just isn’t aware of what’s really going on. How could he be aware of how triggering it is for me to hear him speak to me about Faye and Blaire as if I care about leadership over them when he has absolutely no idea of the pain associated with them for me?

But surely it is a bit low EQ to mention Faye around me like that. Which is fine. I just know I don’t have to be the hero. I don’t need to put myself at that BBQ in risk of having to expose myself to those triggers.

I was already quite distressed from it. I cried three times today. All times in some form of worship.

I still feel like such a mess. But if I am to be a mess, I’ll be a mess that worships proudly. I’ll be a broken Christian who brings their mess to God, even in public.

I’m surprised I have personality left. Sometimes I feel like I have so little left. No happiness left, no relationship left, no North Shore community support left, no rapport with Yammy left, nothing with Faye left.

Except for that bloody monitor. Except for these bloody gaps that she just unintentionally uses to pry open these wounds that disallow me from moving on. It’s not her fault, she doesn’t know what she’s doing. She’s pretty much never known what the fuck she is doing.

I’m so scared of becoming nothing left but a bitter ball of anger, resentment and bad memories. I don’t want to end up like that. I don’t want this shit to consume my life, my every thought, my every experience.

How was I even triggered lying on Isaac’s couch, thinking of how he trusts me around Monica. How I trusted Faye around Blaire. How they broke that trust. How she probably lied to my face and kept things in the dark, with little to no remorse at all.

I don’t want to keep sighing and heaving through these bad memories anymore. I want my joy back. I want my happiness back. I want my lean in to community back. I want my life back. I want my personality back.

I wonder if I ever had a personality. I wonder if I somehow thought my personality came or was vastly improved when I was paired up with Faye. I think that’s not true. Sure, Faye can be sociable, but it was actually just around people she was already comfortable with. And at a superficial level or in her weird “blunt and culturally unaware of faux pas” level.

Monique said I have a personality. Who knows, maybe I do. Maybe I think about this too much. Maybe people do like being around me, but I do feel very boring and very quiet. Idk, maybe that’s okay. I don’t have to be talking all the time.

[winkong]

Circles

I've been revisiting old thought patterns, thought patterns that I thought I'd tied up and resolved.

Maybe because I was walking up to North Sydney alone, maybe its because I was driving along Pacific Highway again, but it triggered memories of you, and old thought patterns.

I wonder if there is something I could've done to not let it come to this inevitable end. But thats the thing, and that is the resolution, that the end was inevitable. Or at the very very least, outside of my control.

How could I do anything to 'stop' you from being gay? And I wonder too, what is it that 'triggered' your gay feelings? There were many occurences when gay things would come up, like Steph, like those movies, like anything really.

And maybe, like my counsellor said, some answers are unsatisfactory, disappointing, not the ones we want to hear. Maybe it is just as simple as, you were attracted to Blaire. I hate that thought, and I hate typing it here, but maybe you felt a connection with Blaire.

And its obvious its something you care about more than any sort of connection with me, if we did have any connection left towards the end.

You cared more about getting sleep to go to work the next day, than bashing out an important conversation with me for the sake of our relationship at 1AM. But I mean, I stopped that conversation too as I also was aware that there was no relationship left at that point. It ended when you stuck your tongue in Blaires cunt. When you left to do her laundry.

And so, why am I still going around in circles about these thought patterns? About what I could've done? I know there isn't anything I could've done. And I know the answers are unsatisfactory and incomplete. But there is resolution already. The outcome is the same, even if I had the chance to ask you all the questions I want to ask you. I know that knowing those answers would only serve to deepen the scars and create new wounds. The outcome remains the same.

We're not together. We're not a thing, we're not a couple. Even those questions of 'were we ever a couple' don't matter anymore. They have no affect on how I should be moving forward.

But I think my mind wants to keep going around these thought patterns to try to figure out two things.

How could I decide so wrongly to want to marry you, and how do I avoid making a decision like that so frivously again?

And how do I improve as a partner for whoever I might encounter in future? Perhaps even, how would I make sure I'm set up to do things well, if I were to try to engage with Lucie on a romantic level?

The latter, it seems there might not be an answer at all from this whole situation. Any thought of things that I did wrong or wasn't so intentional about just seem to pale in comparison to the wrongs that you caused me. You never spoke to me what really annoyed you. You did about two things, when I didn't text you about my day on a Wednesday years ago, and when you were upset I couldn't leave Lucas' wedding when you wanted to. And in those instances, you were open and upfront, and we were able to chat about those things quickly and resolve them. And so I was under pretense you felt comfortable to bring up anything with me. But clearly not. And so, I resolve that that is not on me. I had been under pretense you were an open person. You openly called Kate fat. You would've openly told me when you were unhappy with me. Or so I thought. And so, I resolve, there is nothing on me about that.

The former, I got that idea of 'you know she's the one if you're willing to figure out the future with her' from Ivan. Thinking about it objectively now, he was the only person I had talked to about deciding to marry someone. I'd never talked to my pastors. I'd never talked to any other married friends. I didn't even talk to my parents about Faye seriously about whether I should marry her or not. And that is one of my main regrets about this. That in fact, my parents did have reservations since she was a divorcee. They saw that (rightfully) as a red flag, but because I'd moved so quickly to just deciding I was gonna propose, they gave me the benefit of the doubt, they trusted me, and let me do it without much opposition. I'm sorry mum and dad. I'm sorry to have put you through this grief. If I'd just taken my time, just talked to more people, just had a stronger network of trusted people around me (or rather, used my network around me more), I might have avoided getting into this mess in the first place.

And now even typing this, maybe thats the resolution. For next time, it isn't so much about how do I decide whether this person is someone good to marry or not on my own, but maybe at least taking in the assessment and judgement of people who are married and what they think.

I want to move out of these circles. I can't do it too quickly. Life and time don't work like that. I just want to learn one new thing on each round of these circles. And I think typing this out, I've managed to do that thankfullly.