wicked-little-mind-blog

[wicked-little-mind-blog]

I have a confession to make and though it's not much of a confession, I've distanced myself. Distanced myself from this life. After all of the pain and suffering that my mind, body has endured; which had not yet quite recovered from; I'm in the process.

This is how it all started.

I met this brown eyed man who took the 'meaning of life' to a whole other level. Who showed me to step out of the shadows and become who I was meant to become. Who showed not only compassion but vigorous understanding of 'bad things happen to good people.' Who showed me that no matter what in life happens, that there is always an outcome that can be favorable to you. That you can pick yourself back up and be fresh. Be reborn.

And that's exactly what I did.

As the suns rays change with each passing day; those storms constantly rolling in, her skies turning dark — just like the gloomy days that I felt. The sun, she falls every night; just to rise back up in the morning, her new warm colors radiating throughout for everyone to see.

And that's where my inspiration derives from.

// Written by me.

#calystabeaulieu

[wicked-little-mind-blog]

The words he spoke pierced her mind like venom from a snake. And just like a bite from one of those creatures, the hazel eyed man would soon enough make her body go numb and head spin. He was poisonous and she just didn't know it yet.

But when she did realize, it was too late. The toxins burned through her body as so much sorrow. The sorrow turned her numb. The numbness faded into loathing. And that's when the girls head spun and she lost herself. Lost herself to the fatal relationship she once had with the one she used to love. Lost herself into the abyss of darkness. He was vindictive. And now she knew it.

// Written by me.

#calystabeaulieu

[wicked-little-mind-blog]

You want to know a secret? A secret that’s been tugging deep somewhere inside of me? Listen close. This secret's about to unfold.

At 18 years of age, you feel invincible. You’ve graduated high school. You’re on your way to college. You have your whole life ahead of you. So many things to do. So many things to see. Or so I thought. When I was 18, I found out a secret myself. A secret that had been locked away with a key that was lost forever. Or so my mother thought. The color drained from my own face and my body began going numb when my mother told me that I was a child of a monster. I could barely face my mother, myself, and anyone that I came in contact with. Most of all, I felt shameful and disgusted for my mother. Shameful that after all these years as I grew up, she had to look at me with her soft, loving eyes knowing that one day I’d find out. She had to look at me with those same eyes, even after the torture she went through. How could she stand to look at me? Is a mother’s love that strong? I didn’t understand.

But that’s not why we are here. We’re here for my secret.

It wasn’t an easy task tracking down the man who did such a horrendous act to my own mother. But I didn’t stop, even though it took me a year. I turned every rock and every stone.

At the age of 19, I confronted this man. I don’t know why I decided to. It was for my fascination I guess. I found out he was just as horrible as I pictured. He wasn’t the monster hiding under your bed, no. He was worse.

— FLASHBACK —

As soon as the girl stepped foot inside of his house, the hairs on her arms stood straight up. Her heart raced, adrenaline rushing. Her instincts were a split second too late in taking over. She had been easily overpowered and pinned to the ground, not by just the one who she found out was her biological father, but a structurally similar person to him yet younger. His son. Her half-brother.

Screams escaped her lips, but nobody would be coming to help. Horrified, she struggled. The girl watched her own father command his own blood, to do what he did 19 years ago to her own mother. But to her. To his own daughter. She was his blood too.

The light faded from her eyes and as the darkness spread. She was swallowed by the deep shades of black.

///

Everything ached. She could taste blood in her mouth. Dizziness. So. Much. Dizziness. The girl could barely reorientate herself.

She didn’t know it now, but her life would be changed forever.

— PRESENT —

After, I tried to piece together what had happened. I don’t have any recollection of the actual event. Only before and after.

Eventually, the police caught up with both the men, the one who violated my mother and the one who violated me. But even catching them, doesn’t change a thing. I was faced in a situation where a savior was born. Andi. She still can not fathom that she failed protecting me on that day, but I don’t blame her. I never did. I only blame myself.

And that’s my secret.

Why did I walk into a situation where I knew the outcome wouldn’t change?

When you’re presented with a traumatic event, such as I’ve been through, you struggle. You struggle to define what reality is. But for me, it’s different. Now, my reality is that I’m living four lives. Calysta’s. Caitlyn’s. Andrea’s. Jacqueline’s. I sometimes still don’t know what is real, or what is fake. I don’t exactly know which life I am living, or who’s life I am living. There are days where I draw blanks. But that’s okay.

///

I have detached my self from everything involving what had happened, yet part of those memories still haunt every part of my being. The bruises left on my skin have long faded, but the bruises on my heart remains. I was once a girl who was filled with hopes and dreams and those were shattered the moment he took the only life I knew from me. But slowly, those dreams have been restored. And those hopes have might have seen sunnier days, but trust me when I say this:

I. WILL. NOT. LET. THEM. WIN. I will not.

///

But, Andi has kept her promise. She protects me from anything like that ever happening again. She protects me from those memories. They’re locked away in the same box, that my mother’s secret was in 5 years ago. And Andi, she has no plans on unlocking it. Ever, again.

But I do know one thing though. I look at my daughter the exact same way my mother looked at me. A blessing even if it was in a disguise. Is a mother’s love that strong? I didn’t understand. Until I had a child of my own.

#calystabeaulieu

[wicked-little-mind-blog]

Spending all day chilling with this little one

#calystabeaulieu #mosie

[wicked-little-mind-blog]

The "Where's my piece of bacon mom?" face.

#mosie #calystabeaulieu

[wicked-little-mind-blog]

My little girl is growing up so fast. I was finally able to take her home after waiting such a long time. It's the first time she's fallen asleep in the house so you know what that means... Momma gets to take lots of pictures!

I can already tell that she's going to be such a happy pupper here. I LOVE MY LITTLE MOSIE GIRL.

#mosie #calystabeaulieu

[wicked-little-mind-blog]

One of the perks of being a vet's assisant is getting to help deliver puppies. Over six weeks ago this little sweat pea was born and as soon as I laid eyes on this little tiny thing, I was immediately in love. She's a Red Merle Miniature Australian Shepherd. Soon enough I'll be able to take Mosie home with me. Whenever I give the litter their checkups, I get to see my little loveable girl and she's usually always by my side. Two weeks can not come fast enough ♡

#mosie #calystabeaulieu

[wicked-little-mind-blog]

The sound of silence is deafening. My mind is consumed by the memories that once haunted me. It’s been over five years and I still scrub the remnants of him off of me. I am reminded every day that I am not my father’s daughter, but a survivor of his ritual. A ritual in which my mother did not survive, but still tries to forget every day. But how can she, when she has to look at me? A part of her that will always embrace him. I can hardly look at myself. I wouldn’t expect any less from the person who gave birth to the daughter of a monster.

[to be continued...] // Written by me.

#calystabeaulieu

[wicked-little-mind-blog]

There once was a vibrant lively flower. Her smell of sweetness lingering, her heart forever growing. Always leaning towards the sunlight. Always allowing herself to free her mind. Epitome of her species.

Still not everything always stays as it should be.

One day the sky grew blacker than she had ever seen. Rain falling from earth mother’s eyes onto her petals, which only caused more pain and hurt to the young blossom. After mother nature confided in her about why her tears flowed, the flower needed to find the sky father.

He had not only helped create this beautiful creature, but he also created a tragedy. But who's tragedy was it exactly?

The search for sky father was no pleasant one. He was toxic, compelling, and destroyed everything in his path. But the floret held on, even once she was overpowered with the despair. Sky father tried to strangle every good memory, every good feature that she was known for. The color of her petals drained, the stem and leaves wilted. She was plucked of her charm, her charisma. Her innocence stolen. And that's when the dark flower emerged. Thorns growing in every direction to try to protect herself.

And those thorns is what kept her safe after all these years. But, was it keeping her too safe?

// Written by me.

#calystabeaulieu

[wicked-little-mind-blog]

The blonde was innocent, that was, until he walked into her life. His eyes, those baby blues in which she could get lost in for all of eternity, swimming endlessly. His lips, breathing harshly and forcefully pressing against hers. His hands, burning feverishly into her bare skin as her body craved his tender touch. She was intoxicated by him and he, well, he was her best bad habit yet.

But addiction has to stop sometime right?

The adrenaline fades. The darkness takes over. Those eyes, becomes an infinite ocean in which she starts to drown, barely keeping her head above water. Those lips, clueless as to why hers long for them. Those hands, the missing piece to why her body aches for him.

And those dark days, turn into darker days. The eyes of a demon. Possessed by something angry inside of him. A string of screaming with a mix of profanities leaving those once thought about lips. And those hands. Those hands held her very life in them.

The blonde was no longer the innocent, yet invigorated girl. She was a broken mess. Beaten down emotionally by his violent outbursts and physically by the black and blue bruises that were to leave scars not only on her body, but in her heart.

And that's when the addiction stopped.

// Written by me.

#calystabeaulieu

[wicked-little-mind-blog]

JAX POV:

His voice was as sharp and demanding as the others were. My hands trembled. My lips quivered. This sensation would consistently arouse me. The man indicated by gesturing for me to remove my body accentuating dress, where underneath a matching black-lacy lingerie set clung just as the dress had. . The man began by taking pictures as I posed ever so sensual for him. This wasn't a trophy for him, no, it was a trophy for me. A trophy to throw in the ever so perfect Caly's face. I posed this way and that way. Making sure no crevice was unturned.

He forced me against the wall where I was told not to move an inch.

“Why are you like this?” Caly screamed at the other voice inside of her head. “Stop it!” 'Why did she love the compliance? Why did she like submitting to every man’s desire?' Caly thought as she surrendered herself, finding her own little corner in the back of their shared mind. She didn’t want to be conscious and see the perversion of Jacqueline’s behavior.

The other voice inside Jax’s mind wasn’t a hindrance, but more so an amplifier for her actions.

The man’s hand had a slight twitch before raising it to grab my face, where a smirk had been revealed. “I told you not to do that.” He said, his voice booming in the quiet hotel room. His control was overwhelming, but eventually I submitted to his every need, every desire, in every spot in that dirty old hotel room.

Just like Caly knew I would.

[ To be continued.... ]

#jaxpov #calystabeaulieu

[wicked-little-mind-blog]

[wicked-little-mind-blog]

Prologue

FLASHBACK: “Calysta, it’s hard living with what you’ve been diagnosed with, but you’ve come such a long way and I’d hate for you to cycle back to where you started. All alone, with no one who understands. You of course have to do what you think is best for you, but in my professional opinion, this is not one of them.” 

As those words echoed in my mind, all I really thought about was do all those that are lost, eventually find their path? Did I even have a path? Or do they end up in the living world of purgatory? Would facing my demons get me somewhere or would I end up right back where I began? Confused, cold, and isolated? 

I was bound to find out.

#calystabeaulieu #roleplayer

[wicked-little-mind-blog]

I don't wanna be just a memory and I don't wanna feel your wings break free because without you I'm lost in the breeze. I gotta be strong now, I gotta show you how I'll love you like I've never, ever loved somebody. I'll give you things you didn't even know you wanted. Don't tell me that it's not enough. My time is up, you're over us cause I think I might do anything for you. If you just let me. If you just let me. If you just let me. Just let me. Taste of your lips is still fresh and the smell of your scent, how could I forget? Your words how they cut me to shreds but to tell you the truth every piece is for you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WX8SFlmHTLo

#calystabeaulieu #roleplayer

[wicked-little-mind-blog]

she found herself between the crevices of nightfall and daybreak, wrestling the moods of her soul and wondered if love ever dreamt of her.

#calystabeaulieu #roleplayer

[wicked-little-mind-blog]

Happy #NationalSiblingsDay to the only person who's never failed to stay by my side. Not only are you my sister, but you're one of my best friends and I don't know what I'd do without you ♡

#calystabeaulieu #roleplayer