when-she-wanders

[when-she-wanders]

22 09 2022

Im back at my lowest again.

I am a mum now... a very exhausted one.I am still a wife aka the house maintenance serviceperson too.

My little sweetiepie needs me.

I am jobless and broke.

My menses is here. My boobs are sore from having period and sore from pumping.

I am still nursing a bloody long cough and sorethroat. screw you covid.

And my entire body and face full of a hives breakout.

I need support, i need validation, I need assurances. But I am not getting any.

Allah... I know you will not test your ummah more than their threshold. So show me how to manage all this at the same time. :(

[when-she-wanders]

09 12 2020 (yeah it has only been a month)

We quarelled today. The first after we got married.

It's really painful. My heart ached so bad, i left home crying. And here i am at the staircase next to my unit.

Issue #1

Chores. It made me appreciate mum even more. I dont know how she can do it for years, everything on her own. Seeing that, it became the route i do not want to take, ever. But is that where the pitfall lie? Boys, men, now husbands, i dont mean to stereotype it - but in general are brought up to play first, and later on find money for the family or themselves. So in a household of 2 now, guess who does the maintenance of the house? The wives and the mums, duh. It's so fucked that your microchip has you to pick and choose what you wanna do and doing nothing is also an option. I hope to raise children that is aware of this and that chores are equal and responsible to people who patronises the place - the entire family.

Issue #2

Am i the only one who waits and gets excited that my husband is returning home from work? Is it because i have nothing else to do at home except wait? And when he doesnt return that excitement in his actions i get annoyed? How should i react next time when i feel that disappointment? Lowering that expectation is not working. Hais. Hais im a terrible wife am i?

Issue #3

Trust. How do you associate that with love? Can it exist without the other? Why/why not? Jealousy, trust, love. Mismanagement of that leads to no love? Is that it?

I dont get it.