wellfindsomeotherway-blog

[wellfindsomeotherway-blog]

I feel like fucking shit. I wish i could just kill myself, i’m going crazy.

 Or maybe i just wish that i had killed myself a few years ago when i had the courage and a reason. Why? Because i hate my life, i hate life. I love a lot of people in my life and they mean a lot to me. I just don’t want to live. It’s something that’s just inside of me, it’s a part of me. I can’t help myself but fantasize about hanging myself or overdosing. I just want to die.

 I hang in here because i don’t want to disappoint my family. I don’t want them to suffer. I want to see where my life goes, i want to keep writing my stories, because writing is my way of leaving something that’s mine in this world. I wish i had more time to write so i could finish earlier, and die earlier.

 I just can’t help but having suicide thoughts, all the time. Even when i’m happy. Because i’m happy, and i’ve a happy life. And even when i’m there, as happy and all, i want to die. I want it to end. and i don’t know why i want that, i just do. I feel like i’m going crazy, i have anxiety attacks, anger attacks. I control them very well, because no one knows about this around me. Sometimes i’m so sad i can’t even cry. And i do want to cry. 

 And that makes me so angry. To sit there, in silence, not knowing what to do, not even wanting to write. I just want to fucking leave everything behind, to stop being me. But as i can’t, i feel like a prisoner of this life. Freedom is on the other side, because i’ve never been free in my life.

#personal

[wellfindsomeotherway-blog]

[wellfindsomeotherway-blog]

Only in Valencia can you see bright stars in the middle of the day.

[wellfindsomeotherway-blog]

[wellfindsomeotherway-blog]

I guess i one of the reasons i like ballet is because i like challenges. Like if you told me i have to write a book in 20 days, i'd do it in 10. Just because. Idk, to prove myself. When i care about the thing i'm doing, i do it with passion, working hard on it.

I also have too much energy. I could be enjoying myself so much reading this book or sitting with friends, but even though i'm exahusted, i want to do things. I can't stay quiet.

So yeah, i guess i'm amazed at finding things about myself that i think they're cool. Or idk, just finding myself. I've hated myself for so long, forgetting that deep inside there was a person that wanted to just be.

And finding that little person was amazing, and i still am looking for things about me

I just hope i can find my way through college. If i don't choose a career i like, i'd be devastated. I want to do something i look foward to doing every morning. Otherwise, what's the point.

So i'm kinda scared, because all my friends have it very clear and i'm so lost. I like a lot of different things, but not enough to study them at college. The only thing that does it for me is ballet, but i've accepted i will never become a proffesional. I just don't have what it takes.

So idk, i'm just worried. As i said yesterday, a lot of things are going on and i need a place to let all these feelings out. I just hope all my troubles find their way through peace. And i'm working on it.

#personal

[wellfindsomeotherway-blog]

Lately a lot of things have happened. I barely see my mom, not because of whatever, just because she can't take care of me, so i'm with my dad. And i miss my house, and her. It's weird not having her around to solve my problems, the first weeks i felt like i grew ten years all of a sudden.

But it's okay, i mean, its not as bad. I just dont like this, even though im trying hard to make myself comfortable here; i clean the house, i cook, i take bubble baths on friday nights, and i can stay up late playing video games.

I've just been so bussy thinking about so many things, school is getting really hard, so as ballet, and english... so i barely have time to do anything! I usually make myself get up very early to eat breakfast, but now i skip it, because i stayed up the night before revising, because i had spent that afternoon in ballet class, english class, or at school.

I'm starving in the morning, i eat a salad for lunch, and then i completely forget about food. I'm getting worried as i lost a few kg since school started, and my hips come out.

I've to walk as i don't have a car or a bus card. And i try not to stress so much during the day. I laugh through it, i have fun. I'm happy. Just melancholic, worried, tired, with a huge need to rant and to express myself all the time, but not finding the moment to do it.

And when i do find it, i'm sitting in front of the blank paper for hours, writing something i hate, reading things i don't like, wondering if i will ever write something good again. If i will ever think of myself as worthy of respect for what i do.

And by the end of the day my vision gets blurry and i can't focus, my head is heavy and so are my legs, and the shadows around my eyes are bigger and bigger. And i'm just saying to myself 'maybe i'm overreacting. Its not that bad'. Just getting more tired and tired, because after an entire day of non stop work, i remember i didnt have anything to eat for two days, or that i've only slept for 3 hours the other night, or that my last shower was 3 days ago.

So to sum up, i'm terrible at this thing of taking care of myself, and today i got sick for not eating or sleeping, and i am amazed at how my body is taking in all the tortures that i make it go through. I'm not even good at being a person.

#personal

[wellfindsomeotherway-blog]

[wellfindsomeotherway-blog]

Does your OTP ever have that one moment where you’re sort of like “and this is when I sold my soul.”

[wellfindsomeotherway-blog]

like the problem with the tumblr community is that no one is allowed to safely fuck up

if i was my uneducated ignorant little 14 year old self y’all would have ripped me a new one and probably scarred me for life

and that’s so scary tbh, that a community of adults would and DO witch hunt and harass minors over things they’re being children about

[wellfindsomeotherway-blog]

I see how it is. Rihanna can wear a shiny, completely transparent dress in public and everyone loves it, but when I did it, I was “wasting saran wrap” and “ruining Easter, Daniel.”

[wellfindsomeotherway-blog]

[wellfindsomeotherway-blog]

Somewhere between fuck you and I’d fuck you

[wellfindsomeotherway-blog]

We were a perfect match. Maybe that’s why we burnt out.

[wellfindsomeotherway-blog]

I’m officially crying

[wellfindsomeotherway-blog]

me: *knows exactly what i have to say*

me: *stutters and fucks up a 5 word sentence*

[wellfindsomeotherway-blog]

Math Teacher: What's 1000 minus 7?

Me: *starts screaming*

[wellfindsomeotherway-blog]