wayupstairs

[wayupstairs]

We live in our different thought. You thought that you will be the the pinnacle of all things that exist, while I was thinking about how to continue living.

[wayupstairs]

What If I Told You About Letting Go?

Maybe we can start from unmounted the attachment of the heart where we always rely on anxiety in it.

[wayupstairs]

we are just a dust in the vastness of circumstances.

[wayupstairs]

Fluktuasi Glukosa - Perjalanan yg Tak Terduga

Selalu ada angan yg pupus dalam sebuah kegagalan.

Kalau sudah gagal, sederet kalimat motivasi berjejer menyemangati untuk kelak berdikari kembali, di kaki sendiri.

Terbentur, terbentur, terbentur, terbentuk. Kata Tan Malaka.

Tapi bagiku, complicated sih.

Terbentur, terbentur, babak bundas, gak tau kapan terbentuk. Tapi pasti bisa.

Bisa nangis, gak deng.

Seperti fluktuasi glukosa yg fluktuatif, aku rasa itu gambaran masa muda.

Hitam putih atau berwarna,

Gelap terang siang dan malam, selamanya.

Bener. Ada masanya. Semua itu sementara. Gagalnya, sedihnya, nangisnya, semua akan berganti dengan seribu jenis fase bahagia.

Siapa sangka gagalmu akan membawa ke setiap tempat yg tidak pernah kau pikirkan sebelumnya?

Siapa yg mengira jatuhmu kali ini akan mempertemukanmu kepada orang-orang yg tidak pernah kau bayangkan?

Fluktuasi ini akan membawamu jauh ke dalam perjalanan yg tidak pernah kau duga.

Ya, dan aku akan berada di balik pintu tiga untuk kau hampiri disetiap pulang.

(Banjarnegara, 06 Januari 2024)

[wayupstairs]

Dulu pernah denger katanya dinding rumah sakit lebih mendengar doa2 yg lebih tulus dari tempat manapun, tapi ya emang bener sih keresahan itu membuat doa-doa kita lebih memiliki kekuatan, lebih tulus, dan lebih berserah.

[wayupstairs]

Mabar Sore and Subsequent Knitting of Hope

Isn't it really cool the title I made? Yes, that's how I describe the people behind this event. they are very cool. no doubt.

OK, if I tell you about Mabar Sore Volume 3, this will be a long series starting from Rashad and I's desire to launch our dream of donating to an orphanage, but I have no clue about the orphanage in Purwokerto. So, that's for sure, in the end we donated it to an orphanage in my home area, because I had previously held an event there with my friends.

So, I asked for a friend's number regarding the orphanage and their info, and... that's how it started

fast. without fafifu. immediately appointed to our large group.

but I don't know, he thought about it all and prepared this all by himself. crazy, what is his heart made of? Big appreciation for him. May his life always be surrounded by blessings.

It's true that my friends and I are just out of money. and a big heart on the D-Day. because we are all confused too lol.

(Skh, 2024; the happy faces of our friends)

one of our worries when suddenly holding an event of this magnitude is... where will the money come from... it turns out made us an open donation to fulfill the need... and the good intention is to just give space in case there are people with big hearts who want to share but don't know where? Hehe

Voila, it didn't take long to collect the funds (we were shocked when we found out how much money had been collected). one thing I have learned, there is always a way for good intentions, good intentions will always be granted by God quickly. One lesson learned, Brenda.

(Skh, 2024; meet me and my new friend!)

I actually don't know what the concept's that day, because I don't know whether I can come or not to this event. but it turns out I can. &&&, I'm so happy. my heart was full. even though here, I'm just on the HORE TEAM AJASIH.

(Skh, 2024; The photo I took, look at that happy face, makes your heart warm, doesn't it? Am I the only one who is 'lebay'?)

(Skh, 2024; hang on to dreams)

By the way, hang on to your dreams. I want to tell you a little about the dreams and resolutions I made at the end of last year, which I wrote on a sticky note and stuck it on but now it's gone, because I'm embarrassed if Rashad sees it.

One of my many resolutions this year is... that I can donate, share blessings with others, and volunteer. and I don't know why God made it happen so many of the things I wanted to do at the beginning of the year haven't even been there for a week. My extreme thought is whether I will die young, God? But Tyas said, I'm not going to die yet because I haven't even graduated yet. Please, God, at least make my mom a little proud, even though maybe my mom isn't that proud of me 4 real. Hh.

But when it came back, its said, have you studied yet? Good intentions will always find a way to materialize at the best time.

Jadi. Yaudahlah ya. Let's continue living as best as we can.

Backwards. Huge appreciation for this human being with a heart of gold.

I'm always proud of them. I never told you, I was that untouchable when I was in high school, hahaha. but I'm always happy to meet them. One day I came across a quote in the yearbook.

he said, fortune is not always about money, good friends are fortune.

And here is mine. God entrusted people who stood with me from the first place. Accompanied me when I was wandering around.

The final words is, I always pray that we will always be a blessing wherever we are. May we all be rich. Rich in wealth. Rich in heart. So, we can make a foundation. Amen.

[wayupstairs]

Ada yang datang bak kicauan burung gereja di fajar hari

Ia duduk di sudut perempatan itu, di bawah pohon kamboja kuning yang merekah

Sejenak ia memantik lintingan tembakaunya, menghembuskan asap yg lalu menyatu dengan kabut

Aku rasa, tidak ada yang lebih jujur dari pembicaraan pada pukul 4 pagi

Mata sayunya berbicara padaku

"Hai, maukah kau menemaniku melamun?"

[wayupstairs]

Yang membuat tidak tenang karena kita sedang membuat jarak pada pencipta ketenangan itu sendiri. Ayo kembali, menguat, bertaut..

[wayupstairs]

La, aku ga berharap buat ditemukan.

Aku ga mau kamu bertemu aku yang dirundung kemelut isi pikiranku.

Aku tau kamu sudah berdamai, aku juga akan belajar dan mencoba begitu.

Berat tentu berat sekali La, menghadapi kehidupan sehari-hari bagai perang buat aku.

Hidup dengan baik ya, La!

Aku juga akan mencoba begitu.

[wayupstairs]

Beretorika

Besar dengan sosok ibu yg selalu mengabadikan momen tumbuh kembang saya merupakan sebuah hal yg selalu saya syukuri. Di tengah kesibukannya, mama selalu mengabadikan momen-momen baik itu penting maupun hal-hal receh dalam hidup saya baik dalam bentuk tulisan maupun gambar. Yang mana, saat itu untuk mampu melihat suatu gambar harus lah dicetak terlebih dahulu gaksih? Kalau jaman sekarang masih main kamera begitu mungkin mama sudah jadi anak skena yg caption ignya #nyucionly atau #35mm. Hehe. Tapi ternyata usia dan generasi tidak bisa dibohongi, instead of foto-foto lucu estetik beliau sekarang suka main reels pemirsa.

Selain foto yg sudah usang beralbum-album itu, satu hal yg selalu saya ingat & jadi penyemangat saya ketika hidup mungkin sedang tidak berpihak adalah tulisan-tulisan mama terhadap hal-hal kecil dalam kehidupan maupun orang-orang yg beliau sayang di wall facebooknya. Ssst jangan bilang-bilang mama saya suka stalking socmednya! Hahaha.

Mama yg mengajarkan saya untuk mulai menulis secara tidak langsung. Tidak pernah memaksa. Tulisan-tulisan pertama saya mungkin ada di diary saya yg sudah hanyut dan lapuk gara-gara banjir. Hadiah ulang tahun dari mama untuk anak perempuannya saat itu. Mama hanya melakukan apa yg dia sukai. Mungkin menorehkan isi pikirannya terhadap putra putri kecilnya itu merupakan salah satu hal yg ia suka, atau mungkin sekedar bernostalgia mengenai tempat-tempat yg pernah ia kunjungi bersama suwargi suami yg tercinta.

Bagaimana pun itu, apapun niatnya, hati saya jadi terketuk untuk menuliskan cerita-cerita kehidupan yg kelak mungkin akan jadi penyemangat bagi seseorang yg terketuk untuk membacanya (loh geer?).

Selamat hari ibu, mamaku, influencerku.

#hari ibu

[wayupstairs]

destined (to fade)

a piece of lyrics composed by the band midwest indo 'eleventwelfth' combined with the pic that archived from 2021. #shotonphone gt kan kalo kata2 anak insta jadul?

I think this is another year of ruin for me, although it cannot be denied, 4 years of college was a messy period in my life. Tp tahun ini, ancur pemirsa.

I never knew, leaving someone behind would be that painful. But from being abandoned, I am not afraid of being abandoned by anyone in the world.

I slowly released the pain by saying, "it's okay, you've been willing to accept it from the start." But it turns out it's not that easy to face the next abandonment.

It turns out that the pain of being left behind is rooted in making me the person I am today. This isn't good, but I'm getting used to keeping things quiet, finishing things without me having to know the closure of a matter, because in my opinion no closure is a closure. In fact, the bad impact of that incident is now. When I feel inadequate and unworthy, I will blame that person for all the bad prejudices I face about myself. Sadly, no one knows and I have to live this darkness alone.

As the years go by, I hope I change slowly. Even though it's still messy. Even though I always feel like I don't deserve anything nor anyone. Even though I always afraid. Even though I always think about whose fault the life I live is. Even though I always have to go through this storm and darkness alone. I always pray that this progresses. Because, small progress is still a progress right?

Maybe this is the fate that I have to go through, the pain that I have to feel which one day over time will be fade. I didn't wrote this with a regret. Just for a little reflection on my self. That doesn't mean that Im too problematic lol. but yeah, maybe it could be? hahah, whatever, you're free.

So.

Will it hurt?

Awhile I stay 'til my deepest slumber

Infinitely initiates my downfall

A frazzling mind has led me to the stage when the tick of my clock breaks

Imperceptibly destinied to fade

#shot by phone #magelang

[wayupstairs]

hardest part about chasing your dream is trying to understand if God is giving you signs to stop or is He testing your faith to keep going on

[wayupstairs]

Quarter life crisis itu buat orang-orang yg mau berumur panjang, kalau engga ya life crisis namanya!

Obrolan kost putri sore itu.

Memasuki era 20an awal, kalau kata orang sih young adult, duh, dengan tentu banyak perasaan dan pikiran yg menghantui.

"Bisa sukses gak yaa?"

"Bisa balikin modal orang tua gak ya?"

"Mau fast track apa kerja dulu?"

&& many more.

As we get older, friendships narrow, losing community, & people are busy with their own lives who may no longer be related to us. Irrony.

Ngerasa semua ga sesuai pathways, rencana ga on track, perlahan kehilangan pegangan diri sendiri.

Kalut.

Di tengah ke tidak pastian hidup ini, semoga kita selalu diingatkan sama apa yg menjadi tujuan kita lah ya. Harapanku selalu, semoga bisa menjadi berkat buat sesama, dimanapun itu. Umur panjang apa engganya yaa ngikut aja deh Tuhan, baiknya gimana, hehe.

[wayupstairs]

Kala, menjadi bagian dari hidup seseorang tuh berat ya?

Ada kalanya kita harus menahan diri untuk memenuhi keinginannya. Mengesampingkan kepentingan diri sendiri untuk kebutuhannya, dan mungkin masih banyak lagi.

Kala, tapi aku gak pernah menyesal. Setiap bagian dari apa yg kulakukan ku jadikan pelajaran.

Aku suka. Aku bahagia kalau pada akhirnya aku hanya mampu menemaninya sampai di titik yg aku bisa. Aku bahagia. Sangat bahagia ketika ia mencapai keinginannya.

Kala, kelak kalau suatu saat tak bersamanya pun, doa-doa yg selalu ku rapal ini akan selalu membersamainya.

#Spotify

[wayupstairs]

Kita ini nyari apa sih sebenarnya?

Setelah ini apa? setelah waktu kita selesai dan batas waktu kita berakhir, kita ini mau ke mana?

Aku termenung oleh pertanyaan-pertanyaan selalu berulang-ulang memojokan diriku sendiri.

"Iya yah, habis ini bagaimana?"

Pergi nyari senang, berlibur kesana kemari, tapi ujung-ujungnya sama juga. Saat kembali pulang, resahnya masih, cemasnya juga masih.

Lalu apa sih sebetulnya yang bikin jiwa ini tenang? Aku harus nyari ke mana?

Mengapa setiap upaya mengejar kebahagiaan hanya membuatku lelah dan menderita.

Capek, capek sekali....

Berusaha mengendalikan semua hal sesuai inginnya kita.

Mungkinkah semua ini hanyalah sebuah peristiwa singkat?

Seperti seorang bayi yang tidak pernah bisa mengingat kehidupan di kandungan ibunya. Lalu tau-tau terlahir di dunia.

Jangan-jangan waktu kita di duniapun memang sama, sesingkat itu?

Kita ini nyari apa sih sebenarnya?

Kita ini ngejar apa?

—ibnufir

[wayupstairs]

Perasaan ditolak, tidak diterima utuh, merasa terasing/terpinggirkan, itu rasanya sesak. Sesaknya bukan karena penuh, justru karena sepi harus menjalani semuanya sendiri.

[wayupstairs]

Nda, perasaan orang tuh dinamis ya?

Pertanyaanku pagi itu, sesaat sebelum kelas Pak Arif, mata kuliah mikologi dimulai.

Udah ngebatin sih Tyas Wanda akan berujar "kenapa nih manusia satu, nanti juga cerita."

Tapi ada benarnya loh, kadang kita bisa sangat bahagia hanya dengan mendengar orang bercerita. Namun seketika berubah murung perkara bapak leker favoritnya ngga pernah buka tiap dia lewat (lah itu mah menceritakan diri sendiri, mba) wkwkw. Ya itu lah perumpamaannya.

Semua perasaan di dalam hati itu dinamis, ga bisa statis. Maka, cintailah sesuatu dengan biasa-biasa aja, karna kamu akan biasa-biasa aja karna sesuatu.