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wakingbetweenworlds · 4 years

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Chapter Four - Éros

ἔρως Love borne of sexual passion.

Status: Complete Rating: Explicit Warnings: Canon Divergence | Canon Violence | Sexually Explicit

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In the weeks since she confronted him, the nightmares stopped. No longer was she awakened by death and destruction. No longer did she feel his fear and desperation creeping up the bond. It was a welcome reprieve to sleep peacefully through the night.

During their waking hours, he appeared to be improving as well. His eyes no longer reflected the exhaustion of a man who feared sleep. His temper wasn’t as quick or fiery. He stood taller. He even began gaining back a bit of weight. Kylo Ren was back to normal.

Ben Solo, however, changed dramatically. He was more focused during meditation and more enthusiastic as he taught her the ways of the Force. There was a spark of playfulness behind his eyes during their sparring matches. They even began spending more time together outside of the confines of their schedules, regularly taking meals together in his quarters. She was fascinated with the change in him.

Of course, things changed with Rey as well. They both attributed the lack of nightmares to their revised sleeping arrangements. Since that night, they hadn’t spent an evening alone. In the beginning, she feared the awkwardness that would accompany the change, but it never came. They fell into their new routine just as easily as anything else between them. She was more at peace than she could ever remember being, which was surprising.

Especially considering the bond between them remained wide open. It was an unspoken agreement. They wouldn’t hide or keep each other out anymore. Thoughts and feelings flowed freely between them. They were a constant presence in each other’s minds.

But, over the last few days, that was becoming a bit of an issue for her. It was easy during meetings with members of the Order, when he was Kylo Ren. She focused on the task at hand. His aloof behavior was simple for her to ignore.

During training, if he removed his tunic, she would be forced to school her thoughts to keep from giving away her attraction. She was almost certain there were times he tried to get a rise out of her.

But the evenings, when he pulled her close to his side, were the most challenging. With great difficulty, she fought her desire for him. She could admit to herself that she had always been attracted to him.

Ever since he removed that kriffing helmet in that cold interrogation room. Even when she was afraid, she thought him handsome. Even now, with his face bearing the scar she gave him, he was handsome.

It was irrefutable that she found other parts of him attractive as well. His dark curls looked incredibly soft and inviting. And, she knew that they hid his adorable ears. She saw his bare chest on more than one occasion, and she couldn’t deny that he was well built. Even his arms and legs were coiled with muscle. He was just so big. And broad. And warm.

A shiver ran up her spine at the turn of her thoughts. She couldn’t do this. Not now. Not when they were about to begin the day’s training. It would make focusing on meditation next to impossible. If she wasn’t centered in the Force, he would easily best her during their spar. Not to mention that, if she wasn’t careful, he would sense her thoughts over the bond.

Although, she was almost certain that she sensed the same feelings coming from him on multiple occasions. It confused her to no end. Even if he considered her attractive, he never made any attempt to approach her. But she couldn’t focus on that either.

Diligently, she assumed her meditative posture in the space set aside for their training. He wouldn’t be long now, and she needed to focus to center herself. She must prepare for his presence. While they kept the bond between them open, she did whatever she could to hide her attraction from him.

She was so focused on her meditation she didn’t hear him enter, her mind adrift as she sunk into the Force around her. His knee gently brushing hers as he collapsed into a meditative posture at her side, jolting her back to reality.

Her nerves swelled as her eyes cracked open. Chancing a glance in his direction, she was shocked to find him already gazing at her. He only offered her a nod and small smile before closing his eyes. She steeled herself. She could do this. She could push down her growing feelings and focus. She had to.

They were in a limbo of sorts. It went on for days. Small touches passed as they shared breakfast. He sat a little closer to her during meetings. Their knees, elbows, or hands brushed during meditation. Their touches lingered longer than necessary during sparring. It was torture. Neither pushing the other further. Both fearing rejection.

At night though, after their daily tasks were finished, she climbed into his bunk. Her nerves had been growing, clawing at her. She was close to reaching her breaking point. But, he reached across the small bunk, like he did every night, and pulled her close.

He held her like a lifeline. Neither spoke. They never did, afraid words might break whatever spell fell over them. And, in the morning, she would wake with her head pillowed on his bicep and his arms wrapped around her. It was the closest she ever felt to belonging.

But the spell did break, and everything changed.

He left several days before on some clandestine mission. Despite being privy to much of the planning and strategy of the First Order, he intentionally kept the details of the mission from her. And, when he left, he sealed his side of the bond.

It nauseated her. She had grown so accustomed to his constant presence in her mind that the void left behind felt like part of her was missing. She reached out several times, especially at night, but he never responded. There wasn’t even a nudge back. And it hurt.

But, he was back. Finally. She felt him the moment he broke through hyperspace and docked on the star destroyer. The bond flew open, and she could feel his relief. She hadn’t seen him yet, but she knew he would be coming for her. So, she resumed their normal routine.

He found her in the training room waiting for him. She was too on edge to begin meditation, so when the hydraulic door slid open with a hiss, her eyes snapped up to meet his. She could feel the idiotic smile plastered on her face as he approached. And, to her shock, he smiled right back before sinking down to meditate at her side.

She could feel the change in him, especially as they meditated. The light within him grew exponentially over the course of his mission. And, while she itched to question him, she knew it wasn’t the time. Instead, she sunk deeper, focusing on the new-found light within him as the Force, and their bond, hummed around them.

The tension between them flourished as they meditated. She knew she should put some distance between them, lest he discover everything she hid, but she was greedy. The scavenger in her clung desperately, and she could admit to herself that she missed him. Lingering abandonment issues fed the doubt that one day he would leave and not return.

But, she pushed through to their sparring session. Sabers today. Sabers were good. Sabers allowed her to keep her distance, and forced her to focus. The low hum of their clashing blades soothed her. However, her focus on him and his movements proved distracting. And, as she grew more frustrated with herself and her rolling emotions, she lost focus. Her movements became sloppy.

He took advantage of her distraction, blocking one of her haphazard strikes with a strong parry, knocking her blade from her hand. Disarmed and frustrated, she struck out against him. She landed a swift kick to his unguarded ribs before he could fully process what was happening. And, as quickly as he disengaged the crackling red saber in his hands, he was on her.

They traded blows in a flurry of movement, using the Force to accelerate and dodge. Hand to hand combat quickly became one of her favorite past times. It allowed her to fully release all of her frustrations. She snarled as she blocked his blows, only to quickly return the strikes. This was different from their typical spars. She could feel it in her bones. They were both too riled up.

With a shout of victory, she flipped him. He was effectively pinned beneath her, the Force assisting her in his submission. They panted for breath as she perched atop him, holding him in place and waiting for his surrender. His eyes were wide as he stared up at her in surprise. And, when her eyes met his, everything snapped into focus.

He launched up and forced her back. Lips and teeth and tongues crashed together for the first time. The bond, wide open between them, rushed with desire. They had denied themselves for so long. The Force sang between them as desperate hands pawed at hair and shoulders and backs.

Her delicate fingers tangled in the dark locks she longed to touch. His lips were warm and pliant against hers as he kissed her deeply. His large hands caressed her back and waist, desperate to pull her closer. A soft moan pulled from her throat as his tongue slid tentatively across her lips, begging for entry. All she could do was feel.

And she felt alive. Just as alive as the bond between them. The feedback loop created by their joined minds made the experience all too satisfying. They sensed each other much like they could during their sparing, but more intensely.

A needy groan pulled from his lips as she rolled her hips against his, her legs wrapped tightly around his waist. She repeated the action, desperate to pull more of those sounds from him. The large hands spread across her back slipped lower to her hips, pulling her more tightly against him. Breathlessly, he pulled away from the kiss. The bond told him all he needed to know, that she wanted him just as badly as he wanted her, but he forced himself to put words to thoughts.

“Are you sure?”

Her hazel eyes were bright as she stared at him. A light flush dusted her freckled cheeks and her lips were pink and swollen from his kiss. A pang of adoration surged through his chest. If she denied him now, he wasn’t sure he would survive.

“More than I’ve ever been.”

He beamed at her, his smile brighter than anything she had ever seen from him. Dark eyes fluttered closed as he leaned in to kiss her once more. The kiss, more languid than the first, still seared through her with white hot intensity. His warm, soft lips moved over hers in a slow caress. His hands guided her to roll her hips against him. Beneath her, she could feel his length hardening. He was a drug she was quickly becoming addicted to.

Her hands slid from his hair to his shoulders where she slipped them beneath the collar of his training robes. The heavy black fabric gave easily as she finally slid her hands against the warm skin of his chest. She grinned victoriously into the kiss at his soft whimper. He pulled away once more, panting heavily.

“This … this isn’t how I’d imagined it. Us. Being together.”

“You’ve imagined us, like this?”

Her tentative question brought another grin to his face. How could he possibly explain all the thoughts he so fiercely hid from their bond? Especially since the night she had come to him. Every night that he’d held her in his arms. It was torture. Words failed him. He wasn’t good with expressing himself, never had been. So, he let the bond speak for him, pushing his hidden desires toward her.

“Oh!”

Everything hit her all at once. His desires. His affections. The feelings and thoughts threatened to drown her. Drown her in him. And, she wanted it all. She also sensed his nervousness and fear. Fear that she would reject him, even now. She gave him a soft smile before pushing her own wants to him. She watched in fascination as realization dawned on him.

“Really?”

Of course, he could sense her sincerity, but he had to ask. He needed her reassurance. A weight he didn’t realize he carried lifted at her soft smile.

“Come.”

It was as much a command as it was a request as he stood and offered her his hand. She grasped it in her own hand as he helped her from the floor of the training room. He would never get used to the feeling of her hand in his. He couldn’t imagine a world where she refused his touch. He knew now, with certainty, that she would take his hand anytime it was offered. As he would take her’s. He’d follow her to the ends of the universe.

In a few hurried steps, they were out in the corridor. They made their way quickly through the halls leading back to his quarters. Their quarters, now. He hoped. She gave his hand a reassuring squeeze and he glanced at her with a tight lipped smile.

Several personnel gave them curious looks as they passed, but all quickly turned their attention elsewhere. No one wanted to draw unwanted attention from the Supreme Leader. They kept moving, but he knew rumors would be flying by morning. The First Order may be a well-oiled military machine, but it wasn’t immune to gossip.

Finally, the durasteel door to his quarters slid open. And, in the privacy of the main room, awkwardness fell over them. With the previous urgency of their encounter gone, neither were quite sure where to begin. Rey looked down, toeing the floor, before glancing back up to him.

“I‘ve … I’ve never done this.”

He gave her a reassuring smile, gripping her small hand tighter and pulling her towards him. He dropped her arm over his shoulder as he wrapped her in his arms.

“And you think I have?”

A faint blush dusted his cheeks. The tips of his ears, peeking out from his dark hair, turned pink. He was adorable like this. He looked so young and carefree. He looked nothing like a 30 year old, battle hardened, Supreme Leader. He looked like Ben Solo. She couldn’t help but smile as she leaned into him.

“I wasn’t sure.”

He gave a short laugh.

“I grew up as part of a celibate Jedi order. And with Snoke …”

He flinched at the memory, a slight frown creasing his features.

“… let’s just say he didn’t encourage attachments either.”

Her heart clenched at the thought. A boy who heard sinister voices in his head before he was old enough to speak. A boy who’s own parents feared his power and drove him away. A boy who woke to his uncle and master trying to murder him in his sleep. A boy who had been manipulated and abused by a new, more evil master.

Yet, he survived. He fought. And, he was here, with her. She steeled herself against her nerves. She wanted him. She wanted to soothe and encourage him. And she wanted to help him become the man she knew he could be. She stretched to place a gentle kiss on his jaw.

“Well, then. I suppose we’ll have to learn together.”

“Together.”

He echoed her sentiments before dropping his lips back to her’s. Unlike the first kisses they shared, this was slow and tentative. His lips pressed gently to her’s as his arms tightened around her. Her hand crept up his neck and into his dark hair. She loved the way it felt beneath her fingers. As his tongue traced her lips softly, she opened to him.

Without breaking the kiss, he backed her slowly into his sleeping quarters. His large hands traced up her spine as he held her close. When the backs of her thighs pressed against his bunk, he paused only to lift her onto the surface. She pulled away slightly, gasping for breath. The fire between them roared back to life.

Her greedy hands tangled back into the front of his training robes, boldly seeking his warm flesh. They trailed down his front to the belt holding the robes in place. Delicate fingers worked deftly to untie the material, and finally his robes fell open. Her hungry eyes roved over him.

She had seen his bare chest numerous times, but this was the first opportunity she was given to appreciate his form. His face held the smug smile of male satisfaction as he stepped away to shrug off the robes. Her hands immediately fell back to his flesh as he approached.

Large hands found the ties at her waist to pull her free of her own robes. He worked efficiently as he pushed them off her slim shoulders. His eyes widened in innocent awe, despite her breasts still being concealed beneath her bindings. He surged forward, kissing her once more, tugging her bottom lip gently between his teeth.

“Is this alright?”

His words came out in rushed pants. He could feel her desire for him through the bond, loud and clear, but he still sought her approval.

“More than alright.”

She smiled softly and reached for the small knot that held the wrap in place. Glancing up at him through her lashes, she watched his eyes follow the strips of cloth as she unwrapped the binding. And as the last piece slipped from her skin, she could sense his hesitation. She took his large hand in her own and pressed it firmly against her chest.

“It’s alright, Ben. Please, touch me.”

His hesitation vanished as he pulled her closer, one hand at the nape of her neck and the other massaging her breasts. He tugged her hair free from the brade she wore to train, allowing it to cascade around her shoulders. He stared at her, the most beautiful creature he’d ever seen.

She pulled him closer then, kissing him once more. Collapsing back onto his bunk, she tugged him over her, his weight settling comfortably between her thighs. Nothing had ever felt more right. The Force vibrated around them as the bond hummed between them.

She draped one thigh over his hips, pulling his pelvis flush to her own. The friction was maddening and she rolled her hips up to meet his. A needy groan tore from his throat. He deepened the kiss, pressing himself against her. His mouth trailed away from her lips and down her throat. He nipped her delicate skin gently, soothing with his warm tongue.

Nothing had ever felt better than her soft, warm skin against his own. Even littered with scars, she was softer than any of the finest fabrics he had felt across the galaxy. His kisses traveled lower, eventually settling over a taught nipple.

He lapped the sensitive flesh, listening carefully to the moans that fell from her lips. He suckled lightly, teeth gently nipping against the hardened bud. She writhed against him, grinding her hips harder. Releasing her with wet pop, he moved to the neglected twin.

He loved the way she moved against him. He loved the way she tasted. He loved the way she moaned for him. He loved the way her flesh felt beneath his palm. He smoothed his hand over her abdomen, gripping her hips to guide her near frantic grinding. He was painfully hard.

But, it wasn’t enough. His skin felt two sizes too small. He needed more of her. He needed to feel more of her against him. He slipped one hand into the waistband of her trousers, glancing up from his attention to her breasts.

She nodded in assent, eyes wild with her bottom lip held between her teeth. With one more lick to her nipple he pulled away. Standing at the end of his bunk, he tugged off her boots and socks before returning to his position over her.

His lips found hers once more as his hands fell to her hips. Gently, he tugged the trousers down her long legs as he pulled away. His breath caught in his throat at the sight of her.

“Never seen a naked girl before, Ben Solo?”

He shook his head.

“Not like this. Never anyone like you.”

“I’ve never seen anyone like you either.”

It was true. She’d seen plenty of naked men and women at Niima Outpost, but none of them looked like him. He was tall and pale. All broad shoulders and rippling muscle. She couldn’t help herself as she let her gaze linger over the sizable erection tenting his training pants. With a blush, she stretched her arms out, beckoning him.

His lips met hers, and she was reminded of a man dying of thirst. Like he had been stranded in the Goazon Badlands for days. He devoured her. And, she loved every moment of it. His hands stroked lower, over her breasts and abdomen, down between her legs.

She let out a soft cry into his mouth. She was no stranger to pleasuring herself, but no one else had ever touched her there. His caress was tentative and searching, unsure of what to do. Without much thought, she slid her palm down his arm. Her hand fell over his, showing him exactly how she wanted to be touched.

“Like that?”

“Yes. Please …”

Her voice spilled out in a breathy moan as large fingers found her sensitive bundle of nerves. Her legs shook lightly and her hips thrust up to meet his hand.

“Ben…”

He groaned at the sound of his name falling from her lips. Doubling his effort, he pressed harder against that magical place that drew those sounds from her lips.

“Tell me what you need.”

He all but growled against her throat as he continued his assault on her senses. All he could hear was her whimpered pleadings rattling around in his mind.

“More … Ben, please. More … fingers. I need …”

Her voice trailed off into a moan as one large finger slipped inside. Nothing she had ever felt could compare to this. Her own small digits could never reach the place inside that he stroked so easily. The stretch was delicious. She rocked her hips furiously against his hand, feeling the warm coil in her belly tighten.

Ben was helpless to do anything except watch the feelings of ecstasy cross her face. Her head tilted back as her spine arched. Her brows furrowed in concentration. Her mouth fell open with her panting moans. He was absolutely enraptured.

“Ben, please … more. I’m … I’m close.”

Obiently, he slipped another digit into her tight channel. Working them in and out, he curled them to rub the place inside that had her keening the loudest. His thumb worked almost frantically over her nub. Her fingers clamped to his wrist like a vice, holding him in place as her hips rocked.

Finally, the dam broke and she came with a sharp cry. Her back arched further as her rolling hips stuttered in their lost rhythm. He could feel the pulsing of her inner muscles around his fingers as he worked to prolong her orgasm. When she was left writhing and panting, he pulled his hand away. Bleary hazel eyes stared up at him.

“We, uh … we don’t have to go any further. If you don’t want to, that is.”

Her blissed out expression took the edge off the angry look she tried to give him.

“Not a chance. I want you, Ben Solo.”

She gave him a brilliant smile, pulling him back down to meet her lips. She could almost taste his apprehension, the bond rolling with nerves. Her fingers tangled in his hair as she nipped his plush bottom lip. Her hips pressed up against his, grinding herself against his nearly painful erection. He moaned against her lips, pressing further into her.

With his distraction, she pressed against his chest, rolling him back and switching their positions. Large hands gripped her hips, pulling her closer. With a final nip, she shimmied away to kneel before him. Her delicate fingers worked their way beneath the waist of his training pants in an effort to tug them down. He caught the hint, swiftly kicking off his boots and lifting his hips to assist her.

His nerves flared again, once he was finally bare before her. He grossly underestimated the vulnerability of being with her like this. Rey, however, didn’t appear to mind one bit. Years growing up on Jakku had desensitized her to nudity. That’s not to say that she didn’t find him impressive. She had never seen a man that looked anything like him.

Sensing his tension, she eagerly crawled back into his lap. Lean thighs wrapped snugly around his waist as delicate arms draped around his broad shoulders. She grazed her nose agaist his afectionaltely before kissing him once more. She was fairly certain that she would never tire of kissing him.

His hands found their way back to her skin, arms wrapping around her and drawing her closer. His cock stood proudly between them, painfully hard. Even with the distraction of her skin and kisses, he struggled to focus on anything else. His desire for her was all consuming.

Without warning, her delicate hand wrapped around his length in a tentative grip. The hiss that escaped through his clenched teeth took both of the by surprise. Rey yanked her hand away as though she had been burned.

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt you. I only wanted …”

“Rey, I’m fine. I … it just felt good.”

She peered up at him through her lashes before placing her hand back on his cock. It jumped in her grip, eager for contact. She pumped him lightly at first, but as her confidence grew, her fingers tightened around him. It was all he could do to restrain himself as he groaned into her shoulder.

He lifted his head, unsure of when it had dropped. Her hands felt exponentially better than his own ever had, and he wasn’t sure he would last. Reluctantly, he placed a hungry kiss against her lips and tugged her hand away. Leaning to the side, he reached to grab the prophylactic from the compartment next to his bunk.

“Someone planned ahead.”

Her tone was teasing, but he couldn’t help but feel the need to explain.

“I didn’t … I only…”

He ran a shaking hand through his hair and heaved a heavy sigh.

“I hoped that, eventually, this would happen. I just wanted to be prepared.”

She gave him a kind smile before placing a kiss on his forehead. He really could be sweet when he wanted to be.

“It’s not necessary.”

She lifted her arm and pointed to the small scar from an incision.

“Standard issue birth control implant courtesy of the Resistance. Can’t have pilots and Jedi running around pregnant during a war.”

He sat motionless, halfway between reaching for the compartment and holding her close. It took his brain several moments to catch up to the words she spoke.

“I … I want to feel you, Ben.”

That was all it took. His lips crashed against her own as his hands ran up her sides. Desire ran like fire through their blood. Their hips rolled together and he knew that to have any hope of making this good for her, he needed to control himself. He needed her. Now.

Rey could feel his urgency through the bond and resolved to take matters into her own hands. Literally. She gripped him again, and lifted herself over him. With her free hand, she braced against his shoulder as she ran his cock through her folds to her opening.

He stilled immediately. She wasn’t even sure if he was breathing. His hands flew to her hips, whether to stop her or to steady her, she had no idea. She placed a languid kiss to his full lips before leaning away to stare into his eyes.

“Ready?”

All he could do was nod.

And she was sinking. Slowly. Slowly. Inch by inch. The stretch was agonizing in the most delicious way. His thickness pulled at her muscles as she opened around him. Finally, her hips met his. Her breath rushed out all at once as she sat with him fully sheathed inside.

For Ben, all brain function ceased. His hands gripped her hips like a vice, holding her against him. He panted into her throat as her inner muscles flexed and clung to him. It was the most incredible torture he ever felt. He struggled to form even the most basic coherent thought.

“Are you … ok?”

She nodded against his shoulder, her fingers digging fiercely into the skin of his back. There was some pain, but it was fading fast. The way he felt inside her. The way the bond between them hummed. The way the Force echoed around them. She felt complete. Whole.

With a tentative roll of her hips, she was moving. His hands gripped her hips tighter as she moved over him, head falling to her shoulder and gasping into her skin. The feedback loop created by the bond had both of them on climbing dangerously close to the edge.

Hips lost their rhythm quickly as tension built. Hands raked over any flesh within reach. Lips and tongues clashed passionately. Sighs. Moans. Grunts. Time seemed to both stop and accelerate all at once.

He could feel her inner muscles clenching around him as he thrust up. Suddenly, her spine went taught and her fingers clutched at his biceps almost painfully. The sounds falling from her lips were almost obscene as she came undone around him.

The sensations were too much and the tight coil he had been fighting to hold back exploded. He saw stars as he emptied himself inside her. There was nothing in the galaxy that could compare to this. The pleasure. The feeling of completion.

They both panted heavily, breathing and heart rates still accelerated. He lay on his back, sprawled amongst the pillows and blankets of his bunk. One arm held her close, where she was draped over his chest, and the other hand combed through her tangled hair. Her nose was nuzzled to his throat, planting lazy kisses. The bond between them thrummed in completion. This new sense of oneness.

This was home.

#reylo #reylo fanfics #reylo au #WBW Writes #TLOL WBW

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wakingbetweenworlds · 4 years

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Chapter Three - Philautía

φιλαυτία The Ancient Greek concept of self-compassion and self-love.

Rating: Explicit Warnings: Canon Divergence | Canon Violence | Mental Health Issues

Read on AO3

From the moment she took his hand in the smoldering remnants of Snoke's throne room aboard the Supremacy, a peace settled between them, and the bond grew with their proximity. The decision was life altering for them both. This is what he saw in his side of the vision.

With his rise as Supreme Leader and her desertion of the Resistance, everything had changed all at once. She finally stood at his side. And while she knew that her choice was rooted in the light, and made for the right reasons, the fallout was more than either expected.

In the moment, saving the lives of her friends and the remainder of the Resistance had been her first priority. He easily agreed to allow them to flee in exchange for her remaining at his side. Besides, without her, the Resistance was little more than a nuisance, for now. However, she hadn't fully considered the consequences of her actions. It wasn't until later, when she reached out to Leia, that Rey realized what she had done.

He provided her with a subspace comm and a secured channel to contact the weakened Resistance. At first, she was deeply touched by Leia's relief at finding her safe. The Resistance hadn't known she was aboard the Supremacy when Holdo performed her suicide jump to lightspeed. It wasn't until Chewbacca rendezvoused with them on Crait, after the escape, that Leia learned the truth.

Leia explained how they managed to escape but didn't understand the First Order's sudden cease fire, and Rey did her best to explain the situation. She assured Leia that Ben was changing. She explained Ben Solo was the one to kill Snoke. She knew Leia held onto hope that her son would one day come home. But, Rey could feel the boulder in her stomach drop as she explained that she would be staying. Staying with the First Order. Staying with Ben Solo.

Leia did her best to remain calm, but Rey knew what went unsaid. She knew Leia, and the rest of the Resistance, felt as though she failed them. They felt as though she betrayed them. Yes, she provided a vital escape route for them, but she abandoned them in their hour of need. There wasn't much she could say for herself. Her apologies felt hollow. She knew she wouldn't change her answer if given the chance.

That didn't help her now. She was hurt that the people she considered family felt as if she betrayed them. She feared the only thing Leia heard was that her son had manipulated Rey into joining him. That couldn't have been further from the truth. The same intuitive sensation that led her in the beginning led her now. She knew in her bones she was supposed to be exactly where she was, no matter how badly it hurt.

But, things were changing for the better. After the destruction of the Supremacy, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren gave the order to relocate the capital of the First Order to the Steadfast, a Resurgent-Class Star Destroyer. At first, Rey was hesitant to board the imposing vessel, but the Supreme Leader made it quite clear that her orders were to be carried out as if they were his own.

Things were also changing between her and Ben Solo. In the months since the destruction of the Supremacy, their bond flourished. Gone was the tiny tickle that began while he held her captive on Starkiller. Now, the void within her mind filled with him. Unless they were actively blocking each other, he was a constant presence.

They could hide nothing from each other without significant effort, and even then, secretes were only temporary. Sometimes, it was difficult to separate one's feelings from the other's. During strategy meetings, there were times she could barely keep a handle on his explosive temper. During their sparring matches, the combination of their suppressed anger fueled their strikes. When they meditated, his determination to focus kept her on track. Somehow, they achieved a tenuous balance between peace and rage; a gray area between light and dark.

However, there were nights when darkness crept in. In the beginning, when the brooding from his end of the bond clawed its way toward her, she did her best to block him out. She knew there were things he had not shared with her. Nightmares plagued his mind. Nightmares he wished to keep to himself. She understood. She could give him his privacy.

Quickly, the pair fell into a routine. Breakfast was delivered to her quarters promptly every morning. She ate, used the 'fresher, and dressed for the day. Her mornings were spent studying the multitude of texts and holopads he provided.

In the afternoons, she attended strategy meetings with him and other First Order officers. She was allowed to speak freely and offer her opinion on matters regarding plans for the galaxy. He granted her command and valued her input. Of course, he was Supreme Leader Kylo Ren at these meetings. He had to be. But, in the evenings, he was Ben Solo.

After his duties as Supreme Leader were filled, they met in the training hall. They spent numerous hours meditating and sparing. True to his word, he taught her everything he knew. She worked through complicated battle forms with him regularly. He instructed her in hand to hand combat and showed her how to use her small stature to her advantage. And while he gave her his approval easily, she could sense the disquiet in him.

As the months wore on, and their friendship grew, it became more difficult for her to watch him suffer in silence. She started noticing little things, small tells that he let slip through his impenetrable mask. After a particularly rough series of nightmares, the dark circles around his eyes were more prominent. His shoulders seemed to carry more weight as they sagged.

He began losing weight. She worried, watching him carefully to determine if he was eating enough. But with his tendency toward solitude, it was difficult to tell. He still performed his duties as Supreme Leader. He still sparred with her. He still meditated. He still taught her to access the Force. But he withdrew more and more.

Every once in a while, she could feel it. The hatred and self-loathing rolled around her mind in dark waves. She had her own darkness to contend with, but this was something else. This darkness was his. His internal turmoil was almost as familiar as her own. It crept up the bond and clawed toward her, so heavy she felt like she could choke on it.

He was only getting worse, and it confused her to no end. She could feel it in their connection. Slowly but surely, Ben Solo was being pulled toward the light. Having broken Snoke's compulsion over his mind, he was gradually moving forward. But with every step he took toward the light, his mind backed further into the darkness. She knew she needed to intervene, but she couldn't decide the best way to approach him with how withdrawn he became.

She reached her breaking point late one evening cycle. She was restless as she lay in the darkness of her bunk. The only light seeped in from the countless stars outside the transparisteel view ports. She finally drifted off only to be jolted awake by horrible visions dancing behind her eyes. It wasn't the first time their connection had allowed his nightmares to creep in on her, but this was something more.

She sat sweating and heaving in her bunk as she struggled to breath, desperately trying to separate the vision from reality. It had been so real. The events unfolded around her as the subject rather than the viewer. She experienced Snoke's torture first hand. She felt the bones break and the hiss of his voice in her head. The words still rattled through her mind. Worthless. Useless. Weak.

The visions didn't completely fade as she woke. Snoke's twisted visage hung behind her eyes. The phantom throb of old injuries settled deep in her bones. She could only guess what tortures Snoke subjected him to during his training. She was certain these visions were more than nightmares. These were his memories, and that only made the ache in her chest worsen.

A shiver crawled up her spine as she felt his corner of her mind darken. He was awake. She could feel his relief at finding the visions were only another nightmare. But, it was only temporary. She knew the words running through her mind were also on repeat in his. She was acutely aware of him sinking further into the pit of misery he made for himself. He would dwell on the visions, and the past, until it ate him alive. She couldn't bear the thought.

Decision made. She rose from her bunk and pulled a cowl around her shoulders over her sleeping tunic. The corridors of the Steadfast always chilled her. She was a child of the desert, and the dark cold of deep space was something she wasn't sure she'd ever get used to. Shaking free her longing for warm sunshine, she slipped into her boots and out into the halls of the star destroyer.

She didn't need their connection to track him down. He resided only a few blocks down from her. The corridors separating them were deserted at the late hour. But, as she drew closer, the stormtrooper presence surrounding his quarters grew much more prominent. Where she once would have ducked into concealed alcoves to hide from them, she now strode past with her head high. They wouldn't dare stop her.

As she drew closer to his quarters, the feelings of dread grew stronger. She could feel his rage and his pain. There was so much pain. It almost stole the breath from her lungs. She was only a few paces from the door and the Force radiating from inside made her hair stand on end. Steadying herself for what she would find, she took a deep breath and keyed in the code. The door slid open with a hydraulic hiss.

She had been in the reception area of his quarters a few times, before meetings or training sessions, but she never went any further. The room was in shambles around her. Furniture was upturned, and random items were strewn across the floor. It looked as if he had raged for hours until he exhausted himself enough to sleep. She couldn't say she was surprised. He had become quite volatile, and his temper always had a short fuse.

Sighing in resignation, she reached out through their bond to pinpoint his location before zeroing in on the durasteel door to her left. She used the Force to let herself into his sleeping quarters. The room was more dimly lit than her own. Dark, heavy curtains covered the view ports, and only small slivers of light illuminated the space.

As the streaks of light fell across his bed, she finally saw him. The sight that greeted her shocked her to her core. In the middle of his bunk sat Ben Solo. His hands fisted in his hair as his shoulders shook uncontrollably. The Supreme Leader of the First Order sobbed like a child in his bed. He was so wrapped up in his own grief that he hadn't even realized she entered the room. She felt her heart rip in two at the sight.

"Ben."

Her voice was hardly more than a whisper. Despite the quiet, he startled. His hands didn't stray from his face, almost as if hiding from her. He didn't speak, but he did try to quiet his sobs. He seemed to draw further into himself in her presence.

She approached him as one might a wounded animal. And while she had seen him rage, completely unhinged, she had never seen him like this. She felt as though it took an eternity to approach him as time seemed to slow.

She acted on instinct as she reached a gentle hand toward his shaking shoulder. His skin felt like an inferno against her cool palm. She swallowed around the thick lump in her throat as she searched for the right words to say. She wasn't any good at this. At comforting someone.

Instead, she sat heavily on the edge of his bunk, resolving to simply sit with him. What else could she do? Other than the initial tensing of his posture, he hadn't even acknowledged her approach. His head remained in his hands, fingers clinging desperately to dark locks.

As his shoulders shook, she eased her hand in what she hoped was a soothing manner across his bare back. She could feel every flex and quiver in the tense muscles against her palm. Up and down. Left to right.

She prodded lightly across the bond, hoping that she could calm him. He pushed back, almost violently, against her mind. She knew he was embarrassed for her to have found him in his current state. He would fight her tooth and nail if she tried to invade his thoughts now. But, she tried again, reaching as gently as possible across the bond for him.

He relented only slightly, just enough for her to feel the residuals of his pain and self-loathing. All those years spent with Snoke did significant damage to his psyche. She didn't know what she could possibly do for him. Resigning herself for the time being, she simply sat with him.

Slowly, his sobs began to subside as he relaxed slightly into her touch. Large hands raked through his hair and wiped his eyes. He kept his face turned away from her in shame and his voice shook as he spoke.

"I apologize for waking you. I'm fine now. I'll try to keep the nightmares from reaching you."

She sighed heavily at his words. His voice was raspy from his sobs and wet with unshed tears. She wouldn't relent. Not this time. There must be something she could do for him to at least lighten his burden. Her hand froze on his shoulder, squeezing tightly as she spoke.

"Not this time, Ben. You're not ok, and we both know it."

He shuddered, though she wasn't sure if it was her touch or her words that caused it. From the small opening in the bond, she could feel his anxiety radiating from him. He was angry. Embarrassed. Hurt. So many negative emotions rolled within him that she struggled to name them all. He tried to shake off her hand with a roll of his shoulder as he pulled away from her. Dark, angry eyes snapped to her face.

"Leave it, Rey. I'm fine. Now, go."

Her anger was rising now, feeding off of his. His voice was harsh as he spoke, and his eyes rimmed in red. It only fed her rage. Why wouldn't he just accept her help? Why couldn't he just share his burden?

"I won't! You're getting worse and I want to help. Ben, you've helped me so much since I've joined you. Let me return the favor?"

"I told you, I'm fine!"

He was shouting now. His face was growing red in his anger. The flush spread down his neck and across his toned chest. And though she had begun to acknowledge her attraction to him in recent weeks, it spoke to her own anger that she failed to notice. Her shoulders tensed like she was preparing for a fight. Her fists clenched at her sides and her voice raised to meet his.

"Listen here, you kriffing bantha for brains! I'm not taking 'no' for an answer. I can feel just how not fine you are! Let me help you."

"You want to help? Fine! Here. Help!"

Before she could even respond, his large hands were clamped around her ears, pulling her toward him forcefully. As he pressed his forehead against hers, the bond flared completely open and she was assaulted with vision after vision. Visions of his past.

She could see Han and Leia. She could see how they interacted as a family. She could feel his growing loneliness and alienation as his powers grew. She could hear the awful voice of Snoke. Constantly whispering. Constantly telling him how worthless he was. How his parents didn't love him. How they couldn't love a monster like him. He was too powerful, and they were afraid.

The voice was the only constant with him. She saw when he was sent to Luke Skywalker. She saw how he struggled to fit in with the other children in the Jedi academy. She heard the whispers about the freakishly strong Ben Solo. She could see the fear in the other children's eyes. And she could still hear the voice of Snoke whispering away.

Failure. Weak. She could see the night that everything changed. Of course, she'd seen this before. But to experience it again with Snoke's voice in her head was harrowing. She could hear him whisper of Luke's hatred for Ben. How Ben had never been good enough to carry the Skywalker mantle.

The visions changed then, and the voices stopped. Ben was training with Snoke. The lessons were painful. Broken bones. Exhaustion. Fear. Pain. All the sensations swirled together, mixed with Snoke's voice. Worthless.

Finally, he won his position as Commander of the Knights of Ren. For the first time, he had hope. He knew he was on the correct path. He would do whatever it took to become greater than Darth Vader. He would destroy Luke Skywalker and the Jedi legacy. But his reprieve was short-lived.

She saw as he captured her on Takodana and interrogated her on Starkiller Base. She could feel his resolve weaken as they spoke. She could feel his fascination with her as she discovered the Force for the first time. And, after he set her free, she could feel the punishment that Snoke had reigned down upon him. The nightmare.

It was because of her that he had been punished and sent back out into the snow to finish what he started. It was because of her that he failed. She left him beaten and bloody in the snow. Left him to be punished again by his master. But, she could feel that he did not blame her. He held himself accountable for his failure. Weakness.

Hot tears ran down her cheeks as she pulled away from the visions. Pulled away from him. She knew everything now. She understood. She could see his pain just as clearly as she could see her own. The fact that he even survived was a testament to his strength. Most would wither and die under the torment he endured.

But, he began to pull away again, misinterpreting her silence. She wouldn't let that happen. She sacrificed so much for him. She wouldn't let him suffer alone. Without thinking, she pulled him back toward her, clinging to his broad back as she cried on his shoulder.

He stiffened against her. She could feel the battle within him, debating on whether or not he should pull away. And, she felt when he lost. His arms wrapped around her in a desperate embrace. She only held him tighter as she whispered against his shoulder.

"Ben. You're not alone and you're certainly not weak."

He shook his head in protest. She tried her best to be patient with him. She wanted to help him work through his issues, not push him away. She would give him all the time he needed. But, he startled her as he spoke, voice low and rough.

"I've done so many horrible things. I've been complacent in so many atrocities. How can you sit here with all I'm guilty of?"

"Because I care about you. I want to be there for you. I want to help you. Don't you see it? You're getting better."

She could feel his shock resonate through the bond. He felt like he didn't deserve forgiveness. He thought he deserved punishment. That's when she realized. The nightmares were his way of punishing himself. He was forcing himself to relive all the horrible things he had done, that had been done to him, as punishment.

"I'm not. It's only getting harder. The nightmares are getting worse."

"Because you're getting better. You're drawing closer to the light. Don't you see? If you weren't, if you were still hiding in all that darkness, you wouldn't care about the pain you've caused."

He was close to a breakthrough. She could feel it. She let the Force guide her, hoping against hope she wouldn't say the wrong thing and push him away. They were so close.

"You can't change the past, but you can learn from it. You can become a better person. Let me help you, Ben. Please."

She felt his sigh of defeat in her bones. He wouldn't speak it, but he would agree. He nodded his ascent against her shoulder and she squeezed him tighter in response. He would survive this, she would make sure of it.

She held him a moment longer before pulling away and standing from his bunk. He met her eyes then, finally facing her and his fears. She could feel it again, his doubt creeping in. His large hand caught her wrist.

"Stay. Please."

She regarded him for only a moment before nodding. She discarded her cloak and boots at the side of his bunk before climbing in next to him. He only stared at her a moment as she lay back against his pillows before joining her, his head resting on her shoulder.

His relief echoed through the bond. She feared this development would be awkward. But, when his large arm slung across her waist and pulled her closer, she only felt relief. He clung to her like a lifeline. And, as she relaxed, she ran her fingers through his thick hair in what she hoped was a soothing manner. He relaxed almost immediately.

"I won't leave you, Ben. You're not alone. Not anymore."

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