wafaelsx

[wafaelsx]

awesome thoughts I

ok, this will be a more lighthearted series of stuff for u to read and not either pity me or wanna kill yourself from what im saying. these are thoughts that i have that are very slightly interesting! like seinfeld episode opening where jerry would say something kind of funny that has todo with the episode but here goes

you’ve probably seen this thing thats a common trope in both fiction and real life actually, where a person is trying to reach an important person who has security around them or whatever, and the security guys like yo u cant get that close or whatever the fuck. then the important guys like woah wtf are u doing hes alright and lets the guy through to talk/be with him, and everyone sees the security guard as the bad guy. i think that is fucking stupid. him being like oh okay sure go ahead in the beginning would prob make him lose his job or jeopardize it, but if u dont let the guy thru for whatever reason ur the villain of this wholesome story that ppl try to feed you

im putting myself on what i like to call the ‘female trait diet’. basically im gonna eat like half or a 3rd of how much id normally eat and see if my stomach actually shrinks and im not just tired and lightheaded all the time from not enough calories. i mean im already tired all the time so that might be another female trait (chronic fatigue syndrome). i really unironically don’t like eating, and for a while ive been just refusing to eat whatever i dislike which i still believe is perfectly fine its fucking free will man. ppl talk about how short life is why eat some shit u dont like if life is indeed so short bro. but basically the whole point is i dont like to eat food anyway so ill just try to eat but an amount small enough to the point where itll be gone before i can be pissed about it.

bonus: i might do a social experiment where i make my whole personality correcting pronouns for a month or something, idk im bored

thanks for reading, perhaps more not so depressing shit in the future

#awesomethoughts

[wafaelsx]

the reality of long-term solitude (III)

i’m not so great at structuring these things. imma just write as i go but basically something a friend told me a couple of years ago is starting to click. i find that oftentimes i accept what people tell me as true in the moment while i still have my doubts, because i don’t particularly enjoy discourse unless it’s just so pertinent to moving the conversation forward. i believe we were talking about what we’re looking for in a partner, and i said i want someone who completely understands me. i had the presumption that if i met someone that i was already very compatible with, that in due time she’d come to, solve me perhaps. it’s funny because that’s the last thing i want from anyone else, even friends of mine. i believed that whoever i end up with for a long term romantic relationship would domesticate me in a way. i had a mental image in my head of myself as a pet, and my partner as my owner, but not even in a ddlg kind of way as it probably sounds. i don’t particularly like being dominated or what have you, i’m pretty ‘vanilla’ on those fucking bsdm tests. part of me, i suppose, was and still am tired of living, in the traditional sense. i think if i found someone that i was extraordinarily compatible with personality wise, and was also moderately attractive, i’d be willing to marry this person. i keep going back and forth between referring to my potential partner as a woman and them, but i’m heterosexual.. believe it or not. hopefully i can find a fucking woman before they’re not even called that anymore. but in any case, the vision in my head is something like i’m left to my own devices for about 65% of the time, and the other 35% of the time would be spent with them. this time i would also surrender to doing actual activities, going out, whatever the fuck. i kind of see myself as a bit of a science experiment in a way in that regard. i envision myself being like shown off in a way, like ‘look at this guy, he sure is something! i also fuck him, for reasons that may not be apparent!’ because i do believe on the surface level, there isn’t much to desire in me as a person. i’m probably a lot funnier than most people, because i have an easier time finding humor in situations, or making connections others wouldnt, based on my knowledge of, i mean everything. i’m probably also a bit smarter than the average person. those two attributes alone make me unique in a sense, other than that i don’t know what you’d see in me as a person, both personality and physical attraction wise.

anyway, my friend’s response to my desire for my partner to understand me in an all encompassing way was quickly shot down, basically. he told me that no one will ever truly understand me, because humans aren’t capable of doing that, not even for themselves to an extent. this probably should’ve been obvious to me, i know. i’m not naive in many ways, but as it pertains to romantic relationships i certainly don’t have it all figured out. my attempts at such have all fallen pretty much flat, and i can’t say i’ve found that those experiences made it easier for me to find someone new, as many might allude to. they were swings and misses, wholly, and i get frustrated with myself thinking about my missteps in that regard. a lot of things u just have to experience to get it, and i will say this is probably one of them. advice about ‘‘women’‘ or ‘‘how to get pussy’‘ or whatever never sounds very good coming from anyone, especially cause whatever advice they give you probably won’t work because they aren’t you, and don’t understand you. the nuance involved in courting a partner is quite complicated in my own estimation. there isn’t really a guaranteed way to convince someone that you’re worth fucking, and to be honest, you’re probably better off misleading them in a way if thats your goal. lying isn’t necessarily what im getting at, but it seems in my experience that what women found attractive in me wasn’t actually who i was, so when we make it out the ‘‘talking phase’‘ and they see me a bit more transparently, many of them were quick to throw in the towel. i’m a bit of an obsessive person, so it’s been hard for me to let go of people from my past. all in all, i chalk it up as a learning experience and i’m pretty unfazed by my past dealings with women. it doesn’t keep me up at night, but i do sometimes wonder what, or if i had actually done wrong, or if it just wasn’t meant to be. i will also grant that sometimes u meet people at the wrong part of ur life and the maturity difference/difference in actual place in life proves too great to overcome. logic tells me pretty much every relationship ive seriously been involved with couldve been salvaged, or maybe a better way of saying it was i doubt that we were different enough to not eventually work it out, if we both tried. most ppl arent patient tho with relationships, and i get it. people often bring up just the staggering amount of humans on earth as an antidote to your dismay about unrequited love, or what have you. i think that’s a pretty stupid thing to tell people when theyre going thru it, partly because i dont think the logic actually holds any water. i think most people could be in a committed monogamous relationship if they were both mature enough, i think thats the biggest determining factor above everything else i’m still very young, so most women i encounter are not really enticed by the idea of lifelong commitment. i believe if we have enough in common and we like fucking each other more than average, what else is out there really? i think those two things together are probably extremely difficult to find in one person, especially for me.

i probably have more to say, but i can’t think of how i want to format it, even in an approximate sense. so i’ll try to sum it up with these closing thoughts. i guess i’m just saying i realized that i have to learn to live with myself. oftentimes i express my thoughts or beliefs, and i can see in real time how my words are just failing to land on people, even my own fucking parents. maybe this all just sounds like an emo wall of text, idk. people are more unique than i suppose i had considered, so to ask of someone to solve any other person would be quite the undertaking. i also realize that before i can be successful at anything, i’m going to have to change in a very profound, fundamental way. the answer isn’t clear to me, i’m unsure what lies ahead.

[wafaelsx]

i walk these halls once again (II)

i’m gonna start off by asking anybody who reads this if they’ve ever had a therapist for any extended period of time. did you find them to be helpful? do you think what they told you was helpful? do you think they were the piece of the puzzle that was missing in your life, and once you started doign what they told you, things got better?

i’m not even being remotely sarcastic when i ask these questions. i’m genuinely curious, because i am certain for the practice to still be as popular as it is, it must work for people, a large amount of them in fact. what is like to have a breakthrough in real time? has anyone ever said anything to you that completely warped your perception on whatever you guys were talking about, or reality itself? does this happen to people? i often wonder if this happens or if it’s placebo.

sometimes hearing things from other people makes it sound more credible. for some individuals the opposite is true. some people can only look to themselves for advice, because they are the only person whose words mean anything to them. it’d prolly be better to view everyone as a means to some form of knowledge, metaphysical or otherwise.

do mental health problems have practical solutions? in my own experience i’ve distilled every tidbit or answer down to a central idea, which is something like tricking yourself into acting differently. if you are depressed it would seem you will not be able to function optimally in that state of mind; you will have to completely change your approach to existence. so with that in mind people can be anything they put their mind to, in theory. is anybody anything if we can just decide to be a different person? i’m guessing the answer is ‘no, humans are elastic enough to be anything.’

i’m not sure i buy that.

[wafaelsx]

unsorted thoughts (I)

ok so this is probably more for me than anyone who ends up reading it but idrc im actually losing my mind this is my only release

now that i’ve quit making music i’m unsure what to do next. i don’t know what people who aren’t creative do. i’m not sayign that as an insult, but just as a statement of fact. everyone isn’t creative, despite what we’re typically told. so it’s unclear to me what ‘‘normal’‘ people do. i guess it’s probably just like video games, social media, television. the generic bullshit. i’ve grown tired of all that to be quite hon est. it’s annoying, to do somethign purely for trying to pass the time. it’s hard to get out of bed because i’m not in any rush to get up and get on my computer, talk to the same people, do the same dumb shit all day, then go to sleep. consuming media is driving me insane, it’s like i’m trapped here. i’ve been condemned to this it seems, w9ith no easy way out.

i think i’ve genuinely forgot how to socialize. or maybe i’ve forgotten how to connedct with people, i’m not sure. i can certainly fake it and act out the motions for a decent amount of time, but i can’t seem to get invested in other people anymore. i recently started seeing a therapist and it seems like it’s gonna be about as helpful as all the other therapy i’ve had, which is like basically ntohing. the only thing it gives me is that it’s a relief to talk to someone who isn’t connected to your life at all, but that’s it. i have never resolved anything with a therapist. they have never helped me solve my problems. i jsut hear the same 5 buzzword phrases over a course of 6 months to a year bnefore i decide i’m just done with it. its really fucking dumb and annoying but i don’t have a solution.

mayeb my next post will be funny cuz this shit is kind of fucking depressing but idk how to use tumblr anyway i dont know what ppl want to see. i just know that ppl are mad that u can’t post porn anymore.