vousmegdrgn

[vousmegdrgn]

the best parents

i mentioned a while ago from the post before this that i caused damaged to my car and that caused me to panic so badly. 

i just wanna put it out here. that i felt 75% so bad because i thought i was gonna get scolded by my dad. so i locked myself in my room, afraid to see him. 

but as always, he’s the nicest most understanding person ever.

he came to my room, hugged me, and said: “tara na kain na, wag ka umiyak ang ganda ganda mo eh.” 

and i replied, crying: “sorry dad, sorry talaga di ko po sinasadya”

and guess what he told me?

“gamit lang yun anak, napapalitan yun. ikaw huwag ka na malungkot kasi ang ganda ng buhay na gusto namin mangyari sayo. kaya mo yan.” 

it hit me so hard, i can’t lose my dad. nor my mom. they are literally the people who are my solid foundation. they are the people who loved me before anybody else could. 

my mom didn’t get mad at me too, in fact she was concerned and even asked me if i wanted to go to a therapist to feel better.

i am really blessed with the best people who love me and protect me. these things make me feel so so so blessed and secured.

[vousmegdrgn]

biggest wish

i want to marry rico. 

marriage is a big word. bigger responsibilities. biggest commitment not just to my partner himself, the people who have witnessed our growth, but to God as well. 

well, how did i suddenly come up with the thought that i want to marry rico?

here’s the story.

yesterday, i had a very bad panic attack. this wasn’t the first time he has seen me in that state. i think this was the third time. last night’s episode was pretty bad. i was hurting myself. cursing myself. askinf him to leave and just go home. he didn’t. of all the good things rico has done for me, this would always be one of my favorites. he stays when i ask him to leave because he knows i need him. he reads behind my words and never uses it against me. althroughout my crying and heavy breathing he was there, hugging me and carressing me. and the night ended with him making me feel better as usual. 

the next day, which is today as im writing this right now (dec. 15, 2022), i was driving and suddenly hit my car along the gutter which caused huge damage on the car’s mags. i was in a complete panic state again. cried while driving. everything was not just pretty bad, but so bad. i was literally thinking of dying. 

in times like these, i blame myself for everything. in times like these, i just feel like i am the worst person to ever exist and i remember all the bad things that have happened in my life and i couldn’t help but to be anxious and depressed. 

in times like these, i just want to push people away. “maybe they will be better off without me,” “maybe if i just dissapeared, i would stop making these mistakes and people will be more at peace.” 

in times like these, i think about breaking up with rico. 

today, i was thinking of ways on how i could break up with him. 

but tonight, i realize how selfish these thoughts are, moreso if i bring them into action. 

because tonight, rico was in cavite for work. he was working the whole day and had only stopped working at around 8pm. it was raining hard and the ber months traffic has not died down, it was in fact, getting worse each day. despite all the reasons to not see me, and without me expecting him at all, he opened the door to my brother’s room at around 9pm where i was doing my homework and gave me a hug. after a long and tiring day at work, his first thought was to see me, hug me, and spend time with me even just for a while. 

this man is the person i want to marry. and i will spend my lifetime giving back the love he has showered me with even in the early stage of our relationship. 

he’s the person who calms my anxiety. the person whose hugs restore my energy. the person who leads me to the right path so i could become better for myself. and the person who has never taken me for granted. 

he has done countless of good things for me and in the span of a year in our relationship, not once did he pick a fight with me or made me feel insecure. in fact, he always made me feel loved and cared for. he loves not just me but my family and my friends. and when i make mistakes he’s not harsh but he corrects me and puts me in my place. 

he’s the person i want to marry because he makes me want to live my life more to the fullest. he makes me want to heal. he makes me the happiest and even when i see him everyday, the thought of hugging him before the day ends still excites me the most. 

i love him so much.

[vousmegdrgn]

needz 4 d kalekshen biz

1. designs

2. SUPPLIER NG TELA

- divisoria

- thailand supplier

3. mananahi

4. model

- sachi

- johlan

5. good fb & ig marketing

6. SHOPEE CHECKOUT

7. studio for photoshoot and videoshoot

MAIN IDEA

- collection type (10 ternos per collection) papaubusin muna before magtahi ulit

*****

MANIFEST KO NA RIN

7 sources of income

- legal profession

- clothing

- learning centre

- construction services

- real estate

- hardware

flow of money should be CONSTANNNNT

lETS GOOOO

[vousmegdrgn]

just reflecting..:)

hi .. first of all i miss writing here. hmm. one of the last posts i had here was for my 20th birthday. 4 days ago i turned 21 and wow. i just cant believe im this old now. time flies T-T

this post is really … supposedly … about my boyfriend and life in general…

uhm, i got a boyfriend, remember? i posted about it before .. it’s honestly been, happy, to say the least. im not disappointed! it’s just that i feel like i have a lot to learn about us, about me. but i really love my boyfriend.

as u know, i am a college dropout (at least for 2 years). life stopped…academically speaking. but when i look at it in a bigger picture, it’s just aligning u know?

im a person whose idea of love is so grand. meeting someone i really like physically, dating when i am already very successful or at least in college, basically, iDEAL! but i met rico and he wasnt what i expected to have. but he’s everything i need and never knew i wanted.

i was actually supposed to write to him but then i felt like i needed to reflect about my emotions on my own first without sharing it to anyone.

i was studying in uap right..i had very QUOTE UNQUOTE HIGH STANDARDS in men. like. u know basic exclusive school men. but then. God works.

i stopped school. didnt get to meet a lot of people in the university. met more people in church.

im kind of done with having thoughts such as “i wish i wasnt late” because looking at my past from where i am right now, it’s really God who made everything like this. and i just really trust him a lot.

if i hadnt stopped school, i wouldnt have met rico or wouldve been close to him. i was brought to his field, to his life because i wasnt on that circle. because as cliche as it sounds, i dont see myself with anyone at this point in time.

i dont see anybody else being my partner for the rest of my life. rico loves me, i love him, he loves my family, he has great plans for his future, he is devoted in church, he is perfect for me. someone who was beautifully created by God. and if He permits, would be my lifelong partner.

sometimes im just a bit of a kid. maybe its because of my lack of priorities, my lack of experience and knowledge, and my personal lackings in general. but i feel like i am being overly irrational because i love him.

but as always, we’re working on it. we’re working on accepting that we have to grow as a couple, but more as individuals too. im working on understanding that i may not always be his priority but that’s okay, because im holding onto the fact that we’re together and he loves me with all his heart and not any less when he wont put me first at certain situations. im working on understanding that he has his own goals too, at his age, at his time, and at his own pace. and i should be the person who fully supports him in all these endeavors.

i am really really not an ideal partner, but i am always willing to work on myself. and i will always choose rico as my partner.

but of course, this post wouldnt be complete without mentioning my family. my parents. my siblings. they are the reason why i am able to love. because they loved me first. i am always thankful for these people in my life. although i still have a long way to go to prove myself to them. i’ll hold on to this strong desire i have that is to be their pride and happiness.

of course, thank you God and Jesus for guiding my heart and my path always. although i dont know exactly that the future holds, i am always hopeful.

haysss. goodnight. btw, i am listening to ben&ben. yanah sleeping on her bed on my right side. matt taking a bath in our washroom. moments like this. in awe.

[vousmegdrgn]

As we go through life we gradually discover who we are, but the more we discover, the more we lose ourselves.

Haruki Murakami, Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage (via thebrokenquotes)

[vousmegdrgn]

I need to learn how to stop destroying myself, stop being hard on myself, and be nice to myself.

(via amargedom)

[vousmegdrgn]

got me a boyfriend

hi blog....it’s been so long since i’ve last been here hmm...i last went here when i was so inclined to writing music. i wrote all my lyrics and notes here, as a matter of fact. 

but 2021 has ended! and guess what.. ok first i got a job. then i quit after a month....because of let’s say, more important priorities. and then i got a boyfriend too! we still aren’t u know...completely legal on my family’s side but we’re getting there....

ok since im feeling in love and i love..him i want to write about..him, uhm of course. 

so hMM HIM. i met him in church. of course as i wouldn’t want it any other way. everything happened really quickly honestly, like it was all planned. 

they visited our house last july 3 2021 and the rest is history. kidding. nope. we got super close on october cause he really made an effort to talk to me and entertain me when i was still working. i appreciated his effort so much cause i was working on GYS. 

we became official on december 19 2021. it happened in my car. i love kissing him there. :) 

i dont know what is it exactly but yes, there is magic in holding someone you love. it’s like you know their skin and its like its home. i didnt know i’d like him this much but really, he grew on me and im happy it happened as natural as i want it to be. 

im glad to be discovering more about him everyday. like how when he’s hungry and stressed he cant smile or talk a lot. or like when he says good night at 12:00 am he sleeps for real (i used to think he was the type to say goodnight and stil do other things but when we call, REAAAL dad jokes because he still thinks they’re funny. he’s the confident type who’s always believing in himself and i so love that about him because he helps me become more confident in myself too. he’s the type to mention BTS when he wants me to smile. he’s the type to ask for my permission ALL THE TIME before touching me physically. he’s the type who gets jealous but never showed it in front of other people aka he’s social skills are really good. he’s the type to update me all the time about what he’s ding even on a busy afternoon. there are so much more things that are nice that i wanna say about him but, thats for another post at another time! 

hoping to write more about him. 

- t

[vousmegdrgn]

(BTS) HAPPY BIRTHDAY MINIONGI <3

#SoundCloud #music #BTS #AgustD #D_2 #대취타 #Daechwita

[vousmegdrgn]

im a teddie stan

i am from a family with five members. my parents, younger brother, and younger sister. when i was younger i used to think that i’ll always be mightily defending my siblings against anything that would cause them harm or that would hurt them. i always thought this way because even when i was in school (grade school to high school specifically) i used to be my parents example to my siblings all the time. “Tignan niyo yung ate niyo! Laging nag-aaral. Ang daming achievements. Dapat gayahin niyo ang ate niyo.” or something like “Dapat thankful kayo kasi siya ang ate niyo. Lagi kayong tinutulungan.” Honestly, these words made me feel... good. I think it’s because words of affirmation is also my love language. Okay but it does not stop from my parents words. I really do try my best to help my siblings. I talk to them about anything. I help them with school works, prayed with them at night, and learn things with them. But if there would also be someone who knew all my vulnerabilities, it would be my siblings. they know the ugly laugh i make when we watch funny videos at 2 in the morning, they know the sneaky acts i do to try and hide my gadget from my parents when they’re about to confiscate it from us, they know that i cry over bts almost everyday, they know that i get anxious when someone brings up something from my past that i don’t like, they know all the little details about who i am and what makes me ‘kadiri’ as a person. i guess i just share too much with my siblings. simply put it, even though i try to be a good role model to my siblings, we still find ourselves being chaotic at the end of the day. and i lead the chaos most of the time. 

i am a big fan of the movie “four sisters and a wedding.” this movie is classic. and it is for a great reason. filipino families can just relate a lot with the siblings from the movie. from the type of family that the main characters have. four sisters, two working abroad, one staying at their original home, and one just busy trying to make ends meet though she’s also often referred to as the ‘black sheep.’ yes it’s a very typical filipino sibling situation. 

i wrote this because i want to gush over how much i love toni gonzaga’s character, teddie. i have always been fond of her. the first time i watched the film i knew she was my favorite character. “ma, i’m sorry ma.” how can these lines not get stuck with you. i’m pretty sure filipinos even read those lines with teddie’s voice. i just always found teddie’s character funny but i only realized that there was more to her character--more to her personality that connects with me. 

you see, teddie was often praised by ‘ma’ more than any of her other kids. teddie was the funny one, the favorite, and the smartest. when they grew older and started to build their own careers, teddie went to spain to finish her “masterals degree in education.” they were proud of her. especially ma. but not bobbie. bobbie knew that her sister teddie was a fake. bobbie knew teddie worked in spain as a maid and as a waitress in a bar. she was the only one who knew about teddie’s situation and when the time came that they all had to go back to the philippines for their one and only brother’s wedding, there was a night of confrontation. we all know how it went. bobbie confronts teddie in front of the whole family, teddie confesses to everyone that she is actually not a teacher in spain because she got fired for not being competent enough. so she ended up working two jobs abroad to still be financially stable. she apologized to their mom for lying and she told them that she was only afraid that they’ll see the “failure” that she has become. to quote from her “hindi naman sa ganun, ma. alam ko namang kahit anong mangyari mahal na mahal niyo ako eh. pero ako kasi yung may problema, ako yung hindi makatanggap na ganito na lang ako, na hindi ko narating lahat ng pangarap mo sa'kin, ma. na ako talaga yung kulelat sa lahat ng mga anak mo.” 

oh teddie salazar, i am really like you. 

right now, my life has not been going okay. i just started college last 2020 and i am already planning to drop out, though not for good. my health has not been its best. i got covid-19 last october 2020 and i welcomed 2021 with a possibility of being diagnosed with a rheumatic heart disease. the best i can do right now? not cry at least once a day. the thing about the past is that.. its in the past. and no matter how good it was, it just remains there. and we are in the present. and we have to be in the future. the past was good to me. high school was good to me. i achieved so many feats, titles, and recognitions. high school was so good that i was so excited to be in college because i thought i would just be as great. but things do not go according to plan sometimes. and life is just like that. (COMMERCIAL: i am gonna cry because its hoseok’s birthday right now and im miserable but he went live and i read some translations and i saw him thanking his family for everything and that makes me soft because baby boy really loves his family. he is my comfort person. i am in love with jung hoseok) ANYWAYYY. new paragraph.

life is just like that. its difficult when the road is rough, easy when the path is clear. and if we were not to have the rough roads, what are we still living for? i am hopeful. as always. but again, back to my correlation with teddie salazar. 

teddie became a maid when she was supposed to be a teacher. she was supposed to marry a well-off man that her family would surely approve of but she ended up with frodo the hardinero. from society’s perspective: WHAT A WASTE! WHAT A SHAME! and perhaps we thought so too before. but was her fate really a shame? a waste? 

honestly, so what if you’re a maid? so what if your life is just meant to be like that? so what if we fall in love with a hardinero that loves us back completely? so what if we finish a degree but fate blows us to anther direction and we end up not using our degree? does that define what we are as a person? 

my parents want me to be a lawyer but i just want to be a guidance counselor. my teachers commended me being a caring person. so what if i just want to be a caring person? all this, i think is not wrong. but it’s society’s expectations that are messing with what we really want to be. or could be. sometimes i want to shout at the world for being so mean. i just want to live. i just want to be happy. but how can i be happy when these expectations are not just expectations but have turned into the reality that we have to live by. i saw how my parents struggled for me to finish school. in fact if i graduate college, i will be the first degree holder in the family. how am i supposed to tell my parents who worked so hard day and night, with big dreams for me that i want to just live a simple life. i guess its not a choice as a person from the middle class. 

there are times when im angry. but i could not direct it at anyone else. because nobody told me to be miserable and to make everything complicated. so when these moments happen when i feel so powerless and weak, i just cry. i pray. there are times when everything gets too heavy to bear. but as always i’m hopeful. like what rm said “it shall pass”, and agust d “dream, will eventually be in full bloom at the end of hardships. dream, the beginnings will seem humble, so prosperous will the future be.” and from God “Magantay ka sa Panginoon: Ikaw ay magpakalakas, at magdalang tapang ang iyong puso; Oo, umasa ka sa Panginoon.” 

wishing that this pain will bloom into something beautiful. 

always hopeful.

trina. 

[vousmegdrgn]

dream awake

I keep on dreaming Even when I’m awake I wish I could change everything I wish I could renew fate Cause when I dream Pain wakes me up Why can’t I change anything Why can’t I renew it all 

My young self had confidence  The me of today has regrets  Even if I strive  My scars come back and I can’t move I’m not proud of myself At least I want to change  People say make systems and not goals I say for now I just want to rest

At one turning point  I find myself in the light And I break my leash And I do my thing  And while I smile  On my bed I lie Thinking until when will this light last 

[vousmegdrgn]

Trivia: Hope

Dec 31st! 12:52 am!

Just a mandatory year-end post. 

I don’t usually talk about things that are not related to bts on this account so let me just push through with mi subject. 

Before the year ends, I want to thank tannies⁷ for making me happy this year. for bringing me back to our journey together. as my brother once said “i never once felt that you stopped listening to bts.” and yes, even if i was not fully supporting them from 2018-2019, their music still made its way to touch me. it’s really just because i resonate with their message and art so much. more than any other artists, as of now. and probably for the longest of times as i’ve already been taking this path with them for the past 6 years. :D 

i just really do not want this year to end without expressing how much i love them. even just through this post. even though this year was tough (can’t be helped sad-even 00:00 o’clock made me felt numb-kind of tough) i still got through it with them. the bts photographies i took during quarantine which made me start a blog and helped me destress, the online concerts which brought so much happy (used to be forgotten) memories and made me reconnect with old friends, the entire mots:7 album, in the soop, class of 2020 speech & performance, run bts episodes, bb hot 100 #1 & grammys nomination (awards which are not mine personally but pushes me to dream more and be more, something the boys also did and are continuously doing). AH, there are so many reasons to thank them for. but really, this year i want to thank them for the hope they’ve given me. 

i know bts have been helping us learn how to love ourselves since 2017 but i still believe i was not fully able to practice this throughout the year. i had so many setbacks, failures, and challenges i did not triumph over. but they were always the vulnerable leaders i’d look up to. and i’ll always be thankful for them. why do i call this post trivia hope? well because first, i do believe that love is very important. in fact, we call it ‘the thing that makes the world go round’. however, if there will come a time when we are just too tired to love, or even too anxious to feel that we are loved, we just really wait for hope to come. and hope. and hope again. 

and hope got me through this year. the hope for our overall situation to get better, the hope for our personal situations to improve. no matter the struggles, we pushed through, and now we have reached the end of the year. 

and yes, bts became such a huge part of this chapter in my life. another one with them yes! 

as i also wrap this year with ‘hope’ being my ‘word of the year’ i would also like to acknowledge my gratefulness for the HOML & LOML, none other than the hope himself, jung hoseok. thank you for existing. and for just always trying to be the good in this world. i don’t know why exactly you make me want to live a happier life, but you just do. in my sincerest, i really love you. always smile so we could smile more too! 

2020! BYE! 

let’s continue to be together? yes? yes. <3 

#bye2020 bye7 2021withbts ipurpleyou

[vousmegdrgn]

buff bin

[vousmegdrgn]

mr.director jeon jungkook 🥺 (trans @jjk_times & @channeem subtitles)

bonus:

[vousmegdrgn]

im not crying

chan’s room 🐺 ep. 79

[vousmegdrgn]

000

ive got nothing to do hi 

just wanna post here and drop by 

been finding it hard to do anything lately not because of anything

just cant 

lol i should sleep bye

bts had their MOTS ONE concert today,, day 2 tomorrow .. probably watch again ?? 

[vousmegdrgn]

ugh! yoongi >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

[vousmegdrgn]

Go ahead, put anything

Wow. Today I've officially graduated from high school. Although it was postponed since April and today is already the 7th month of the year. It's still feels different to receive the rites, though online.

I'm feeling so much today. Too much of different emotions, so I can't really just sleep this off without writing and thinking deeply about all of the baggage in my heart.

I first want to write about the COVID-19 situation that has been present for about 7 months in my country.

It really all started with me living the way I normally do. Going to school, attending to church duties, spending time with my family, going out, and doing the same until the week ends and pull over again. It was the way it worked, the way I knew it should be.

Months after it started to become worse, I still had high hopes. During the months of February and March, I was still busy planning and working on our batch's legacy event. Until one afternoon, I and the rest of the planning team were called for a meeting. The school's administration had brought up the possibility of how our legacy event might not push through. We fought hard to make it happen. Unfortunately, the situation became worse and all we could just do was to watch everything get cancelled right before our eyes.

Long story short, our hopes were crushed.

Now what made me really concerned about this after a long time of avoiding this situation is, the fact how plans— even the biggest ones can abruptly change in a blink of an eye.

Where I am right now would probably not be where I could be if the pandemic did not happen. Not that I am romanticizing the pandemic, the matter should never be taken lightly.

It is just so overwhelming to realize yet again how it is not I who controls my life, but Someone who's way bigger than all of these that the world is facing.

That was the other side that this pandemic situation showed me.

The other side sure can be more optimistic and personal.

I've spent so much time alone during this quarantine. I have learned so much about myself and have improved some of the qualities I found not so likeable about myself.

I've learned to trust more in God. How I would pray everyday, alone or with family, asking Him for good health and blessings. But at the end of it all still knowing that whatever happens, I will still place all my trust in Him.

I've learned to think more about Him again. How he continues to sustain me and my family and all my other relatives. None of us are hungry, affected by the pandemic, nor alone. God has been nothing but kind, fair, loving, and understanding.

Although I lost a loved one just last week, I still have this inner joy that would always give me peace and solace in times when it's the hardest to be calm. Me and my family would always have each others' back, not letting one completely fall and lose hope. Still a blessing from God. The qualities we possess, all that we are, those are all His graces.

Before I end writing about the pandemic I wish to remind myself about the lesson I've learned today: Healthy relationships are one of the best investments in life. Relationships have the power to reveal who you were, are, and is becoming. It has the power to construct you or destroy you.

This time the challenge that I pose for myself is go beyond merely empathizing. I wish to do more acts of goodness, starting with my family. I want to become better each day and I know I could do none of these without the God who always showed me the way I should go.

p.s.: Today, I also finally let go of the friendship I kept and treasured for a long time. Totoo pala, masakit bumitaw sa taong matagal mo ring nakasama. Sa taong minahal mo rin. Pero nagpapasalamat pa rin ako dahil hindi naman napunta lang sa wala yung pagkakaibigan namin. Though it was cut short, I'm grateful for all the things I've learned from that relationship.

I was once in my worst. So now I know I can always improve and do better. ❤️