victoriazhao

[victoriazhao]

mischicvous​:

.

Eugene’s hand closed around the bag of snacks he had tried to offer his wife, but instead of putting it back in his pocket he slipped it into hers. “I just ate.” he promised her, pointing to an empty sandwich container on the table next to where they were standing. “You might want them later.” he reasoned, and offered her a small smile.

At the mention of Jonathan his brows furrowed a little bit. Though he had never met the man that he knew of, Eugene knew the relationship between Victoria and Jonathan. “I didn’t know he was in town.” He told her, as his arm wrapped around her waist to keep her close to him. He leaned in to press his lips to her cheek. “I know. I wish we could go home too, there are far too many people here to my liking.” Eugene loved his job, and loving the way he could help his patients and more… Generally, he liked people. But hated crowds. Not because he was claustrophobic, but because it often ended in small talk with random strangers, or someone touching him.

”Are you alright, though? You’re not hurt, are you?”

.

Victoria didn’t argue as her husband slipped the snacks into her coat’s pocket. It would be useless to, plus, there was something he’d said that required her attention more urgently, especially since it made her feel like he hadn’t paid attention when she’d first brought up. “I told you when I first ran into him, Eugene.” Letting out an annoyed sigh, Victoria unfortunately let her emotions get the best of her. “I’d appreciate it if you paid more attention to the things I say.”

 Any given day she would’ve let it go. But things had happened that morning, it was cold, everyone was stressed... of course she wasn’t being fair. Still, she didn’t let go of him nor pushed him away. She was far too upset to let got of his embrace...

Even if she was also upset with him right now.

“I’m alright. I’m just upset.” She confessed, this time letting go of him so she could take a seat at the table they were near of. Hands brushed over her face, fingers digging into her short strands as she pushed it back while drawing in a breath. “Actually, I don’t know how to feel about any of this. He confuses me a lot. It’s--unsettling.”

#eugene2

[victoriazhao]

lizzie-levine​:

“That would be great! I haven’t had a girls night in a long time and I think after this, I’ll need it.” She said with a light blush, tucking some hair behind her ear. She kept a tight grip on the cookbook with the other.

“Oh yeah, I’m fine. I was stressed, I probably still am, but it’s okay. I’m at my normal low level of anxiety, so nothing to worry about. I just get worried for everyone, especially with the weather being kinda unpredictable. Plus, it’s easier to worry about others than myself. When this is all over, I’m going to stay home from work for a few days and just relax.”

.

The way Victoria coped with stressful situations, was finding herself in control of everything. This time, of course, it was all out of her control. However, it wasn’t like any of this had been in her control in the first place, right? Maybe, if she cared about any of these people (granted a few exceptions), she would be more stressed.

“Do you know many of the people affected by the storm?” Perhaps not the best way to chit chat. A shame, she really did pride herself in being a good conversational woman. “This is my first snow storm at a small city, so I’m feeling like it might be like in the suburbs? Piles of snow that will be ploughed in a day or two. But I get it, though... things like these happen and we go straight into panic mode, right? I’m sure we’ll be alright, love.”

#lizzie2

[victoriazhao]

end.

he allows her to speak but jaw clenches with each word leaving her mouth. victoria has betrayed him in the worst way possible. she’d let him think that he stood a chance. had raised hopes, had done all of that knowing well enough she’d never leave her husband. who was he to make her chose anyway? the more she said the clearer it was to him. the more he felt the truth behind her words. she didn’t trust him. and she didn’t need him. words hollow and empty. but what really pushed him over the edge, ripped him apart on the inside … she loved him. it wasn’t polite of her to go that into detail about her situation. in fact, jon felt as if she stepped right onto his heart. had he not just made himself vulnerable? had he not tried hard enough to open up and to explain his feelings? he had. and victoria was too egoistical to see it. 

when she told him she wouldn’t ask him to stay, tears stopped to come. they stopped running down his face, expression became hard, posture stiff. emotions were swallowed. jon’s will was broken. survival mode kicked in. good little soldier. he had slipped there for a moment. had thought he had somebody in front of him whom he could trust with his feelings. but all of him meant nothing to her. and maybe her rubbing into his face how good her life was now had been exactly what he needed. her enjoying to trample on his heart was the price he had to pay. what had once been love started turning into something much uglier. something dark and disgusting. vic lost access too his heart at this moment. she didn’t deserve to hear one more thing he had to say and quite frankly this was proof enough for him that he’d been right not to open up to her in the first place. her feelings mattered the most to her and he’d been too willing to give himself up for far too long. 

there was nothing he wanted to let her know. nothing he wanted to comment on. hot tears dried. jon’s heart felt cold. this was what it felt like to be a hawthorne. distant and detached from all good things in life. detached from love. and victoria brought that out of him. she brought to the surface that in fact he did share blood with his family. that he too was filled with spite and bitterness.

“okay.” tone is a voice from far away now. hollow and empty. the emotions that shook him so violently just shortly ago got stacked into a place where probably only his therapist would dig them out from again. whatever. just another scar on top of many other scars his soul carried. what else was he supposed to say anyway? congratulate her? after all that she had thrown against him just like that? without a care in the world for what it might possibly do to him? in contrast to her, jon wouldn’t try making her feel guilty. he wouldn’t use her own feelings against her.

sick to his stomach, mouth dry, eyes burning from feelings that had overwhelmed him, jon left the gallery. lovely, how fragile the heart of a warrior can be. a heart is a burden. he should have listened to the words of his father for once. 

#jonathan3

[victoriazhao]

victoria wished she wouldn’t let herself become too emotional around jonathan, but then again, when have thing not been emotional when he was involved? from their time together to their sudden break up and now seeing him again? it messed with her head in more ways than she was willing to admit. letting out a sigh, she felt her grip tightening on the edge of her desk again as he went on and on and on. it was only fair to let him speak freely when he’d done the same for her moments ago... even if it didn’t feel like they would find a common ground to stand on. hopefully, they would. she would have liked that.

“i understand you needing something to hold onto, jon.” she began, after giving some thought on the things he’d said. “i understand you wanting to be a better man. that’s very honorable of you. but you were not a teenager when we met. you were way past twenty-five, so unless that’s still teenage years for you, then this whole argument about leaving to be a better man for me doesn’t really work, does it?” she questioned, trying to keep her voice as leveled as possible. tonight wasn’t a good night to cause a scene--much less to walk out of this room in tears. “why didn’t you tell me you were leaving? it’s not like you didn’t know you'd be gone.” again, she asked. “you simply up and left me and guess what, you were not the only one heartbroken with all of this. you want to see my wedding pictures?” she practically snorted, remembering how she had to pull out strength out of god knew where to muster up a smile for the pictures. “of how happy i was because i was marrying someone who wasn’t you?” drawing in a breath, victoria looked away, blinking a few tears away as well.

there was a lot to be said and she was glad they were putting things out there, as painful as they were to the both of them. there were some harsh truths she needed to hear from him and vice-versa. “you know... when i first told hyunjin about you being back, the first thing he asked me was if i was unhappy and if i’d like for him to let me go so i could stay with you...” her gaze was staring at a blank point on the ground, near her shoes. “because he knew how i felt for you back then. he’s always known how important you were to me.” she bit lightly on her bottom lip. “i’m sorry i don’t feel the same as you anymore, but i can’t--i can’t entertain that idea, jon. i can’t let myself feel for you again because i’ll always be scared you’ll leave me again.” her gaze moved up, trying to find his. “so i’m sorry if i got confused with you being back, but i’m not asking you to stay. i might not be in a monogamous relationship, but i can’t ask you to stay... because i won’t be able to give you what you want.” she shook her head. “you being back brought along several emotions and i got confused. it made me question everything, including my feelings for him. and i love him... i’m in love with him.” and that was probably the first time she’d ever said that out loud. “he might not feel the same as me, but... he’s good to me. he’s a good man who respects me, who lets me be myself and who’s done everything he could to keep me happy... so yes, i’m okay with the choices i’ve made. i’m happy with him.”

finally, victoria pushed herself away from her desk and took a step away from jonathan, keeping her gaze on him. “i didn’t know that’s how you felt about me... just like i didn’t know back then, so i’ll keep my distance. i never meant to hurt you with my actions.” again, she sighed. “you’re also a good man, jon. who deserves to be happy, too. you deserve the kind of love we felt back then. the one that will set your soul on fire. and i hope you’ll find it someday.”

he listens. jon listens because that’s the best he can do. after all these years of holding on, he had to admit that he was exhausted. exhausted of hoping and of dreaming and of telling himself he needed to last just a little bit longer and then they’d get a chance at what they both wanted. jon was exhausted and so her words felt like salvation. over a decade had he held on and thought he and victoria could actually work. but there it was. the answer to everything he had been looking for. victoria didn’t love him. not anymore. shoulders that had been tense now fall down, hanging low as blue hues look back at her. eyes burn but he doesn’t want to cry. god, all he does is crying all the time. jon wants to be strong about this just one time. but he knows the second that she finishes, he probably won’t last. he lost victoria without ever truly having her. 

throat is cleared in an attempt to get emotions under control but the massive chaos in his head wins this fight. frowning heavily, jon closes eyes for a brief second, shakes his head as if he tries putting thoughts in order again. no success. “see.” he tries to speak. “this is where we are different.” half a smile finds his lips but it never reaches his eyes. instead, blue orbs leave her face and he looks down at his shoes, unable to hold her gaze when he is about to make himself this vulnerable. “i love you.” words leave his mouth but he knows it means nothing. not as long as she doesn’t feel the same for him. 

jon knows he owes an explanation. he’s been swallowing what he thinks for almost half his life now. with vic already having slipped from his fingers, he at least needs to find redemption in saying what he thinks about their situation. “you speak about blame and how there is no use in putting it on either of us. then put it on the both of us anyway and give me all these reasons to feel guilty and to feel bad for you because my silence forced you to do all these things. i appreciate your apology. i wish your words would follow suit.” a statement that leaves his lips hardly but the dirty blond has to stand his ground too and has to speak what’s on his mind – what has been on his mind. for a decade. “when i left, i left for us. so i could be better. so i could become a proper adult. so we could have a perspective. i didn’t deserve you. i was a horrible teenager. i needed to change in order to be enough. today, i think i would be enough. i would be good for you. maybe i would be the best for you. better than he.”

bottom lip trembles. this time not only because of the heavy stutter with which he speaks. but because emotions start overwhelming him. this is why he never spoke to her about it. he was in too deep. much deeper than he liked to admit. again, throat is cleared. does it help? not really. but it gives him a bit of time. “but i respect your decision. and your marriage. and all that he is doing for you. it’s a good thing you learned to love somebody because i was never there when i should have been. all this, where you ended up, this is good. and you deserve it. but you know what i don’t deserve? i don’t deserve you asking me to stay when you know it’s breaking me. so please don’t do that to me. with that ring on your finger, please don’t try to hold my hand and please don’t kiss my cheek because, victoria–” he pauses to take a deep breath, can’t fight back wetness in the corner of his eyes anymore and the trembling of his voice. “because i love you, victoria. and it’s not helping me to get over this feeling when you treat me like there is still a chance you could be mine.” 

jon squeezes eyes shut for a second, doesn’t want to feel the cold wetness on his cheeks now but really, it’s too late anyway. “i respect that you found happiness. so please respect that i have to let go. i want to be happy too.” a goal so far out of reach and yet, the oldest hawthorne child fought for it every day.

#i couldn't shorten it ksdnkjsndks #jonathan3

[victoriazhao]

Ni Ni

#visage | victoria #sdjksdnjs the sECond pICture

[victoriazhao]

once they were inside her office, victoria didn’t bother locking the door. she walked to her desk and leaned back against the part where there were the least documents organized there. her hands gripped onto the wooden edge and she crossed one leg over the other, actually glad for the ease up on her feet because she’d been standing up and walking around for too long that evening.

“i do, yes.” the brunette nodded slowly. the two weeks that separated then from now had been enough for her to think about everything that had happened between jonathan and her. not only now, but also, twelve years ago, too. she could still hear her husband’s voice echoing in her head, asking if she was unhappy with him... and the truth that came out from her lips, too. “i know i said some things out of—sadness... and i want you to know that i don’t blame you entirely for what happened to us.” did she think he held a fair share of blame to it? sure. but not all of it. “and i think that pointing fingers and playing the blame game will lead us nowhere, so i’m sorry for placing the blame solely on you.” she pressed her red lips together, one hand moving up to play with the right side of her grandmother’s pearl earring.

her eyes watched jon for a moment there. she wanted to reach out and touch him, she wanted for them to have had their happy ending. hell, she would have given anything to be loved in a way that would have made these romantic heroines jealous. it wasn’t something victoria would profess to the seven winds, but, since she had everything else a woman like her could have wanted, a little genuine love wouldn’t hurt anyone.

“i loved you. i was madly in love with you, jon. and yes, i could’ve told you, too. but if you can put yourself in my shoes for a second, that’d be nice... i was young, i had no actual means to support myself back then--i mean, i was a waitress, for fuck’s sake... i was madly scared that i was going to be forced to go back to a country i no longer felt connected to... eugene promised me a way to stay without asking for anything in return... and then there was you... the guy i was in love with, but couldn’t say anything.” she then realized that she was gripping onto the edge of her desk a little too tightly, forcing herself to relax a bit. “i wanted to have chosen you. i debated choosing you, eugene knows that... but then you were gone, so... that choice was... made for us.” her dark hues searched for his. “back then... i just wanted you to love me back. i wanted to be naive and to dream of a love i’m still searching for in other people. but time have passed and we’re both old enough to know we can’t live our lives stuck in the past... but i needed you to know that. i needed you to know that i did love you. more than i could ever show.”

       he hates that again her lips on his tongue feels like knifes to the skull. all the years he had held on to the love between the two of them. what they had now was a sad excuse of that. a broken heart, that’s all they carried away from twelve years of passion. jonathan follows her into the office. the sudden silence around them doesn’t necessarily calm him down. if any, it makes him feel more nervous. had anybody seen that they slipped away secretly? or worse, had anybody taken pictures of it? maybe he was just being paranoid but he didn’t want to imagine the anger of her husband if the newspaper headlined a picture of the two sneaking off from the opening. 

when they’re alone, hands wander into slacks again. he fully expects her to go off on him. for running off, for being so secretive, for sending mixed signals with the gift. granted, he had never meant for her to find it. but that didn’t change his situation now.

throat was cleared and he looked a little lost in the room that just screamed victoria in every aspect. deep breath is taken. courage, soldier. he hears the voice that has often haunted him in his dreams. another war he is lead into. blue eyes find her face. there is no avoiding the situation now. “i’m guessing you want to speak about what happened at town hall the other day … ?” he tries to make the firs step, hoping they would get out of this war without either of them crying. or without him crying. because he was far more likely to do so. 

#lol it's long again sorry dksnskjdnkjsds #jonathan3

[victoriazhao]

mischicvous​:

. 

When Victoria pulled back and laced their fingers together, Eugene took a moment to take her in. He gave her hands a gentle squeeze as he did. He could see there was more there than she was letting on, but he wasn’t about to pry. Not here, and not when she seemed to struggle to even put on a small smile for him.

“You should eat something.” He pulled some snacks he had been given before out of his coat pocket and handed it to her, along with a bottle of water from the table next to him. He gave her a small, yet soft smile. “Things here are ok. There weren’t many people who needed medical attention. Essentially it’s just been a lot of waiting, and sitting around.” He said with a shrug of his shoulders.

”Did you get a blanket?”

.

Sweet Eugene. She often times wondered how she’d gotten so lucky to the point that this man had offered to marry her and not only that, but had also offered her a whole new life by his side. Now, of course she wasn’t silly or naïve to think that no one else would have give her the same opportunities, but given how things happened between them, she did consider herself lucky.

Victoria placed her hands over his, closing his fingers around the snacks he was offering her and shook her head. “I’m not hungry, I promise.” She then placed her hands on his shoulders and brought him down to plant a kiss on his cheek. “I’d rather you eat those. You’re the one looking after everyone else.” Fingers brushed his hair behind his ears. “I did, yes. I came outside to help Jonathan with... food.” She let out a sigh, once again leaning against his body. “I wish we could go home. I feel like crying.”

#eugene2

[victoriazhao]

thinking about how much of a great team she and eugene make, actually brings a smile to her lips. there is a reason why she’d stayed all those years. there’s a reason why she’d settled, even though victoria will never admit settling out loud. she’s too proud for that and settling is often taken for defeat. she doesn’t feel defeated, or like a failure. she just feels... unloved, maybe. alas, she didn’t say it out loud either, choosing to accept his words with a nod, instead. they indeed make it a great team.

once the paparazzi are allowed in, victoria is by jon’s side for a moment, basking in on the joy of being publicly praised like that. all of her hard work when it came to the gallery was around them, making her feel like the most important woman on earth that night. it’s a nice feeling. even better if jon’s the one professing those words, painting her as the incredible woman she knows she is.

someone called her to the side, making her excuse herself for a moment and she dealt with that. her gaze wandered to jonathan often and what he’d meant to her came crashing into her, maybe less tragically than before, but it was still there. once she was done, she found him in the crowd again, a thankful smile plastered on her red-tainted lips. “thank you. i appreciate it a lot.” her hands closed around his arm, gently pulling him down so she could plant a kiss on his cheek. “do you mind if we stepped into my office? i feel like it’d be better if we were away from prying eyes for a minute.” granted, people would probably come looking for her, but victoria felt like they deserved a minute of privacy.

       as he listens to her patiently, jon nods to make sure she’s aware that he is hearing what she says. though, he can’t help but feel the smile slipping from his face at her story. victoria had given up her own dreams and her own future for this man. just to be here and to be with him. if jon had hoped there was any chance left for the two of them it surely died now. the small part that thought about what they could’ve reached together, what he could have offered her … it died at that moment. blue eyes left her face and he looked down at his shoes for a second to digest the heaviness that surrounded his heart. he tried. but it was really tough. when he had woken up this moment and felt that today was going to hurt, this had been exactly what he had expected. and even though he expected it? he still wasn’t prepared for it one bit. “it sounds like the two of you make a great team then.” the dirty blond has to admit. maybe a greater team than he and vic could ever have been. 

hands are hidden in the pockets of slacks, not to show how wet palms were, hiding that he was nervous. every part of him told him not to have the talk. not to do that to himself, not to allow her to break him further, to rip his heart into pieces, shred his soul more than it was already. he would have been fine never speaking about their situation again. he’d find a way to get over it too. eventually. she had done it. so could he. “okay sure.” he agrees.

press is allowed inside and of course they snatch him for an interview right away. jon doesn’t enjoy the spotlight nearly as much as vic does. in his eyes she had always been the star and he’d been happy to just hold the spotlight in her direction. but with him about to become the head of the hawthorne family business of course he had no other chance than to speak with the journalists. today though, the dirty blond made a big deal out of only speaking about the gallery and vic. which was tough. because he spoke of her like she was the most precious part in his life when really … she had never belonged by his side.

it’s when the situation cools off that he finds her again. like a fighter stepping into the ring, jonathan tried to brace himself. imaginative fists are brought up as protection, a wall tried to build around his heart. he has to hear what she wants to say. and then he can decide whether it’s worth for him to open up too. if it’s worth getting hurt. “i think there will be a few nice articles the next day.” he stumbled over words as he tries to find a natural start to their conversation.

#i feel like i've made a lil shorter #jonathan3

[victoriazhao]

“nonsense.” a little eyeroll here, a tiny smile there and victoria wondered if that’s all they were going to be from now on. from epic love story as young people, to sharing pleasantries in public spaces. but jonathan was handsome and, somehow in this great mess of things, they had made it back to one another, so, saying what she did, made sense in her head. she thought about it as she brought the champagne flute to her lips, not particularly enjoying to be with him, but not looking at him. or worse, not having jonathan look at her.

time was supposed to heal everything, not to break them apart. 

her gaze returned to the piece of art ahead of them, but victoria was no longer interested in it. she was no stranger to silence, not when eugene was more on the quieter side than her, but now it felt odd to say the least. one hand flew to one of the earrings her grandmother had given her, twirling on the pearl as jonathan complimented her. fck... she loved being complimented and praised. always have. and it was all much too special when it came from jonathan—or eugene. there’s a lot she wants to say back, but her brain has been trying to figure out if that stutter had been there twelve years ago or if it was another side of jon that their time apart had kept her from getting to know.

lips pressed together, she then realized that she was staring. not only that, but there was a light crease in her brows. confusion, maybe? victoria decided to set this aside with a light shake of her head. “thank you.” she nodded once again, feeling proud of what she’d managed to accomplish. granted, hyunjin’s money had been invested in this, but all of the rest had been her. all her. “confession time..." her tone raised at the end, as if asking him permission to confess him something. like she used to when they were younger. leaning in closer, victoria continued. “i didn’t want to move away from new york.” pause. “i mean... it’s new york. in my line of work, it would be better to stay in a bigger city, with more influent artists and stronger networking threads... but eugene had gotten a job here and...” she sighed, looking away for a second. “he then offered me the gallery. it felt like the right thing to do.” her dark hues found jonathan’s light ones. her hand brushed lightly against his when she dropped it from the champagne flute and she realized how close they stood. so she took one step away. “i am proud of it, though. and yes, it is everything i thought it would be. it’s actually even more than that.”

the mention of paparazzi outside made victoria look over her shoulder, noticing the never-ending flashes outside. “you know... let’s invite them in. we both know how much i love the attention. on one condition, though... that you and i have a word after? there’s something i’d like to say to you.”

       since their last encounter two weeks had passed. jonathan had been sure two weeks should be enough to heal the surface of his heart, to make it feel somewhat put together again. never had he expected for all of this to hit him as hard as it did. coming here, seeing her, it all reminded him of that. reminded him of the words they had said to each other and the words they never said to each other. he wishes he was just a little bit more open with her. just let her see him. she had liked him before. she even liked him now after he’d stood her up with emotions bottled deep inside. why did he think anything would change if he was honest about his feelings with her? 

there is half a smile on his lips at her compliment. “that couldn’t be the reason.” for the first time now he dares a quick look at her profile. nope. still hurts. still pains him to be in her presence. it probably would for a while. it would until he had accepted that he had missed this chance. “you’re welcome.” the oldest hawthorne sibling offers.

okay. second attempt. again, shy blue eyes move in her direction. this time he allows himself to longer a little, to notice the details about her appearance. “you look lovely.” he offers some nice words in return. and he has noticed. even if gaze doesn’t manage to stay much longer he sees the hair pin, notices the earrings. and of course they looked absolutely flawless on her. like they were made just for her. seeing her wearing the jewelry causes his heart to jump a little. for a very short moment the butterflies return to his stomach and he feels excitement. but it dies down when eyes fall on her hands. the ring sits there, glowing almost, not letting his attention leave. s.hit. this is forever going to hurt. he has ruined them. ruined them all by himself. 

“you and … your husband can be very proud of the gallery. it turned out great.” jaw jumps and cramps, doesn’t allow him to speak the sentence clearly, the stutter once again getting in the way. apologetically, he tries another half-smile directed at her now. “is everything as you imagined it?” it’s too late to hide the obvious flaw now anyway. so, even though he is sure it’ll change her perspective on him, jon keeps speaking. “i … outside are a few paparazzi. they followed me here to pry on my private life. but if you wanted to we could invite them inside. i’m sure they’d write about the gallery.” it’s easier to discuss business than his feelings with her. because now at least he doesn’t have to make himself vulnerable beyond the stutter that’s clearly audible now.

#me: imma make it shorter!! also me: makes it longer #pls make it shorter skjdnjksds #jonathan3

[victoriazhao]

ni ni for the 34th china golden rooster & hundred flowers film festival 

#visage | victoria #cRIES

[victoriazhao]

mischicvous​:

After walking around the town hall and talking to what seemed like half the city, Eugene pulled out his phone to find out if there was any chance of getting more medical supplies down to the town hall. The text was just sent when he felt arms wrapping around his waist. The familiar scent was enough to know exactly who it was without looking up first. “There you are.” He wrapped his arms around her after slipping his phone into his pocket.

Giving her temple a gentle kiss, he pulled back just enough to look at her. “I am taking a break. I was asking for some more supplies from the hospital. I was going to go and look for you again. Are you doing alright? Did you get something to eat?”

.

There you are. He sounded like he’d been looking for her, but Victoria didn’t ask if he was—nor if he had witnessed what had happened between herself and Jonathan only moments prior to this. There was something burning in her throat, something that felt like a lump and it lodged itself there, burning, hurting, deserving to be poked and prodded, but she refused to acknowledge that it was her heart breaking. She would take a breath and pick up the pieces and glue them back together. Or so help her.

Was she doing alright? Not in the least.

“It hasn’t been my favorite day so far, but I’ll manage.” Vic replied, trying her best to put on a slight smile. Her hands slid down his arms to intertwine their fingers. “I’ve had something earlier, but I’m not really hungry. How are things in there?” 

#eugene2

[victoriazhao]

lizzie-levine​:

“No no, I understand. It’s a very thoughtful gift and I really like it, thank you! I believe it; antique shops are the best.” Lizzie said, holding the book close to her chest. Despite it’s age, it was beautiful and well-maintained. “I just feel bad because I didn’t get you anything. Maybe I could take you out to dinner some time soon? We’ll go somewhere nice and get a good bottle of wine and make a night of it.” She offered, after another moment of looking in wonder at the book. 

“Are you doing okay? Do you need anything here?” She asked, changing the subject to the matter at hand. As much as she wanted to look at the book for hours and start baking, there was a little emergency. 

.

“Don’t feel bad.” Victoria is quick to add, because as much as she loves being spoiled and pampered, there is always something nice about spontaneously giving gifts that keep her from accepting the offer. Maybe she needs to work on her need for praise, but that’s something for her to bring up during her next therapy session. “I could never say no to wine, though. How about we have a little ladies night when you feel like you need a break?” That sounded like a solid offer. Victoria knew how busy Lizzie must be, that with the bakery and all, so she didn’t want to impose.

Vic bit softly on her bottom lip as her gaze wandered around the town hall, only returning to Lizzie when the other woman spoke. “Hm? Oh... yes, I’m okay. Are you? You seemed a little stressed earlier. Is everything alright?”

#lizzie2

[victoriazhao]

seneca-rolfe​:

“You say desperation, I say enthusiasm,” Sen quipped with a shrug of her thin shoulders. It didn’t really bother her, in fact she felt a pretty significant sense of relief to have someone to go makeup shopping with. Usually she had to make her own choices independently, which wasn’t a responsibility she was always up for. If Seneca had more money and her own way, she’d have a dozen similar eyeshadow palettes with something in them but brown neutrals and neutral pinks. She needed a shopping companion to push her out of her comfort zone. Seneca nodded before wrinkling her nose. “Islesbury is fine, but I get what you mean. Making friends as an adult is hard.”

It probably would have helped if she wasn’t an addict.

“McQueen was never made to be wearable fashion,” Seneca commented not even wanting to imagine the physical labor of moving around in something they made. “He didn’t make clothing, he made art. I wish I knew how to do half the things he managed to pull off.” She sighed thinking about her own costuming abilities which were getting better but couldn’t compare to any of the greats. “Whatever. Don’t let anyone make you feel self-conscious about having a juicy booty, they’re just jealous. Ass in in right now.”

Seneca nodded while holding her coffee in her hand. “You should totally come,” she said, one hand starting to pat at the pockets of her coat to try and find her phone. She handed Victoria her phone, it’s case scuffed and screen badly cracked, and punched in her passcode for the woman toad her information. “Yeah, silks are hard. I’m still not great at them, but I’ve gotten a lot better at the hoop. Probably because I ignore the silks in favor of the hoop cuz I can’t stand being bad at anything.”

It still cut like a knife to think about how good she had been, the raw talent she’d possessed. She would have been an Olympian, would have brought back gold medals. She just nodded trying not to feel too crushed under the weight of her own failure and to just grin and accept the compliment for what it was. “That’s kind of you to say,” she managed. “Yeah, haha… Yeah it’s… never a dull day, is it?”

.

Making friends as an adult was hard. People lived busy lives, they were more aware of what went on around them, they had to deal with backstabbing and betrayals and all of those things that children (and teenagers) were so easy to forgive and forget. Yet, some people still tried. For the most part, Victoria still tried... although nowadays, things seemed to be more superficial and fleeting when it came to her life relationships.

“I’m not.” She let out a soft chuckle. “I used to, in the past.” Especially when going shopping in shops that had different size numbers for different styles of clothing. It was annoying to say the least. “I’m just well aware that not even a McQueen ready to wear was something that would look good on me. Which is sad, but as much as I want to, I’ve come to accept that I can’t win everything.” She let out a soft chuckle, then blew softly into her to-go cup once it was handed to her. A quick check on her delicate wrist watch to make sure she was still on time, and then she returned her attention to the blonde who had just given Vic her phone. The brunette typed in her number and name, then handed it back with a promise that she’d stop by Deja Vu some time soon. Maybe once the gallery had had its opening and she was less in a chaotic mood.

There was a slight shift in the mood, she could tell. From the way Seneca had gone from chatterbox to a little quieter, Victoria wondered if she’d said or done something to upset the other. “Well... it is a small world after all. And it’s nice to see you’re doing alright!” Sports weren’t for everyone, so maybe something happened between then and now that had led Seneca to this path that she’d chosen. At least, Vic could only hope that she was okay with it. “Listen, I have to run. I have a lot of work to do, mostly supervising renovations and calling people, but still... I can’t be late, but text me? We can go shopping some time.”

#seneca1 #sorry for taking so long!

[victoriazhao]

everything needed to be perfect.

victoria had barely slept the night before thinking about every single thing that could go wrong tonight, thus also trying to come up with ways that would prevent things from crashing and burning and ruin the most important night of her life so far. she thought of that as she double checked everything with her team, then went home to change her clothes—an exclusive pair of suit trousers that gave away the illusion of her having longer legs than she actually had and a backless silk shirt that tied delicately behind her neck, also leaving her shoulders exposed, designed by cemre. when she returned to the gallery later in the day, she didn’t waver. she needed to be the epitome of a controlled woman.

drawing in a breath, she gave everyone a pep talk she was so good at, then, she heard a bottle of champagne popping open and flutes were passed around so they could have a smaller celebration of their own before opening the doors to the public.

this gallery meant a lot to her. not only it had been her first time owning a gallery, it also meant setting roots in here. in a city that was not new york, with less influent people to charm and an even smaller network of artists interested in headlining expositions, but it was a commitment she’d made with Eugene, and so be it. the moment those doors opened, she knew what it meant. it meant goodbye to a whole life back in new york, and maybe that was what she was so nervous about.

well... that, and the success of the gallery.

people passed by her, either saying hello or asking about this and that and for a moment, she found herself whole. there was a small smile on her lips, pride resting vividly on those red-tinted mounds of flesh as she looked at her favorite piece in the whole gallery. a flute of champagne in her hands and victoria was almost surprised to hear a familiar voice coming from beside her. “did i?” she allowed that smile to grow a little wider, happy to know that jonathan was there. “maybe that’s why i ended up meeting you.” was he nervous? she hadn’t noticed the slight stutter in his voice until now. “thank you for coming, jon. it means a lot to me.” vic turned to her side, now facing him.

@victoriazhao​       /       when he had rolled out of bed that morning, jonathan had known it was going to be a hard day. when he had made a cup of coffee to start his morning, chest had felt heavy and when he hit the gym, muscles ached. everything today wasn’t going to be easy. he knew that because he would go to see her. she, who had broken his heart. or had he been the one breaking it? the oldest hawthorne child had thought a lot about the question. had thought about why it was so hard for him to speak about his feelings with her. the fear of rejection ate him up. a fear that had already become the truth. maybe that’s why it felt like a waste to lay open what had happened inside his heart. 

when jonathan hawthorne stepped into the art gallery he had to take a deep breath to stop himself from turning around again. this was much like stepping onto the battlefield in a war he couldn’t win. he just had to get over with it. the gallery itself was a pice of art. and the actual art … jon was so impressed. part of him wished that his hands had the ability to create something this beautiful. 

he spotted vic turned towards one of the art pieces. another deep breath was taken in the attempt to get his anxiety under control. it didn’t help. when he stepped next to her to admire the same picture she looked at, he was more nervous than ever before. “you always had a special eye for the beautiful things in life.” jon stutters from next to her, not yet finding the courage to look at vic. 

#interactions | threads #thread: jonathan hawthorne #jonathan3 #you don't have to match length dskjndjkndsk

[victoriazhao]

— setting: outside town hall ; early-morning — availability: closed | eugene seong ( @mischicvous​ )

                             The first thing she saw when her gaze left Jonathan behind was Eugene. While it should have felt like some sort of idiotic joke, nothing felt less wrong than going back to someone who tended to calm the storm in her heart. Standing there, looking down at his phone, Victoria wrapped her arms around his middle and it was like she was home again. Her eyes closed as she was met with that familiar scent she liked so much, the warmth she would always go back to. Home. She smiled, looking up at him as her chin rested against his chest. Their height difference annoyingly evident due to her feet attire of choice.

“Are you taking a break? What are you doing out here, hm?”

#interactions | threads #thread: eugene seong #eugene2 #i tried keeping it short and i succeeded at it!! #lmk if you need me to change anything!

[victoriazhao]

lizzie-levine​:

Lizzie had just finished talking to her mom, repeatedly reassuring the woman that she was fine, the anxiety was at a low level simmer, when Victoria got her attention and pulled her into a hug. Honestly it was just what she needed and it calmed her down immensely. She was soft and warm and she smelled of fancy, rich people perfume.

“Oh my gosh, thank you Victoria! This is such a nice surprise.” Lizzie said, carefully opening the bag and reading the card. She put a hand on her heart at how sweet it was, especially in such a dreary place. Then she saw the book and her mouth dropped open. “Oh wow, this is amazing. This is such a old copy but it was preserved beautifully. This must have been so much, it’s so thoughtful.” She said, thumbing through the pages a moment before going back to the title page. She hadn’t noticed the ‘first edition’ placard or the signature, but now she did. This was more wonderful than she was prepared for. “Is this? Did she really sign this? Thank you Victoria, truly. This is, it means a lot that you got me this.”

.

Oh how she loved to be praised by others. Granted, Victoria could not consider herself a people’s pleaser, but whenever she did something for others she liked hearing that she’d done a good job at it. Was it deeply rooted to how she wanted her parents approval? Maybe. Possibly. But that was something for her and her therapist to dwell on and not her favorite bakery owner in the middle of a snow storm. Clasping her hands behind her back, Victoria crossed one leg over the other while Lizzie flipped through the pages of the book, happy to see that her choice had been a good one.

“I’m glad you liked it.” She really was. “This is, in no way, me saying I don’t like the things you bake?” Vic explained. “But I hope that it can serve as inspiration to new things that you might want to try.” Although not an artist herself, Victoria knew that some people often looked into the past for inspiration, so why not Lizzie, right? The smile the brunette had on her lips only grew upon seeing Lizzie’s realization of the signed copy that she was holding. “She really did sign this.” She chuckled. “You won’t believe the incredible things one can find when they have enough time to scavenge through antiques shops. Granted, I lucked out on this one, but I’m happy that I did, because I have a feeling that you liked it?”

#lizzie2

[victoriazhao]

It frustrated her immensely just how easy it was for Jonathan to shut down and deliberately choose to end their conversation. For the second time, as soon as things headed towards somewhere more emotional, deeper even, he would simply say that he had somewhere else to go and that was it. That was where they were suppose to stand on.

It was exhausting to say the least. More emotionally than physically, but still.

She nodded.

What else was there to be said? Victoria would not beg for his attention or for him to stay with her. Maybe, if he’d given the chance in the past, she would’ve asked him to stay. It would have been emotional and tear-jerking, but now? Standing in the cold, in the middle of the damn snow? It felt like death had arrived and decided to embrace them around its cold arms. For the first time in years, she actually felt distant from Jonathan Hawthorne, once loved... blindly, foolishly so. Victoria wondered if after all of these years, it was worth saying something else to him.

“Thank you for the gift.” She said instead while getting up from the back of his car and reaching inside her coat’s pockets for her gloves so she could put them on. “It really is beautiful and it means a lot to me, Jonathan.” Letting out a sigh, she gently touched his arm, leaning in to plant a kiss on his cheek and stepped away from him. Her hands lowered to her pockets as she went back inside, covered fingers brushed against the hairpin, breaking her heart a little.

       blame rained down of him in the shape of heavy weight. shoulders hung low. his head too. jonathan felt crushed. defeated by life, by wrong decisions. victoria was right. it was his fault. his fault for being too shy to say that he liked her, his fault for not having the guts just to utter what he felt. but just like now, the fear of rejection was so much stronger than the courage to ask for what he wanted. jonathan had run away once. and he knew he would do it again. a weak move maybe but one necessary to protect his own damaged heart. 

for a little while he said nothing. demons were battled, emotions fought back and yet he already felt himself failing. no matter how many therapy sessions, no matter how often he told himself he was taking good care of himself, when it came down to this moment? none of these techniques mattered. none of them existed. he was alone. jon stood alone on a bloody battlefield. again. a man wounded and scratching to survive somehow. for years now, he just tried to survive. vic had every right to blame him. and yet it hurt more than anything to hear it from her lips than his own.

his chest hurt and the freezing cold tugged at his bones. when her hand touched his, it felt like needles cutting through his skin, piercing him violently and he couldn’t help but pull away. the dirty blond knew she wouldn’t appreciate it, would be disappointed that he didn’t at least try to fix the situation he had caused throughout the years. but today, there was no more strength in him. words had wounded him too heavily. 

he breathed in the stinging air and swallowed hard. “i’m going to carry the food inside. then i’ll go home. there … is nothing more i can do.” jon didn’t have it in himself to keep explaining himself and his action. he too had just been a teenager. he too had just tried to act like an adult when really, he was just a kid in a cold world. wrong decisions had been made. and they’d haunt him. they’d never stop haunting him. 

#end maybe? #jonathan2