unsolicitedfeelingsssssss-blog

[unsolicitedfeelingsssssss-blog]

sunday 19th april, 5:26pm

okay so i know i am late to the party but i just finished reading + watching the INCREDIBLE novel and film, “Call Me By Your Name” and let me tell you, a story has never ever affected me like this before and i need to vent

it just got me thinking how sick and tired i am of this incredibly fabricated and over sensationalized society that we live in. I know how cliche the word society can sound but genuinely i am over this digital age we live in. finding people to be in relationships with over media and superficial mediums. all i want is this world is to come across a genuine connection organically, not start out a relationships after a mere swipe right to someone i find attractive. its so hard for people, especially me being a gay man to find that. 

i want a connection that lasts, that is real. that wont fade after 2 months when the lust disappears. that has sustenance and nutrients to grow. i know i am only 18 but the thought of never finding that is genuinely scary. the fear that i may never know what it is truly like to be utterly in love with all of someone and let them love me back and to be HAPPY in a relationship and be petrified to lose them. 

i know i sound like an idiot, but these are real feelings precipitated and exacerbated by this isolation that has me feelin lonely. 

[unsolicitedfeelingsssssss-blog]

14th april, 8:23 pm

about same guy again. still thinking about him. a heck of a lot. 

im not sure why i keep thinking about him. do i think that if we saw each other now something might happen? maybe. can that happen? no because 1: quaratine and 2: hes in a relationship. I wonder if hes happy. or if its all just like surface level. is it like what we had. has he told him all he told me or is he filling a void.

switching to me, do i really miss him or like the idea of him, what we had, a time when i wasnt alone. thinking about him makes me nervous a little bit. i defs think that sans lockdown we defs wouldve caught up by now but i cant see him. theres sometimes these fleeting messages between us but we havent really had a solid conversation in a while. i really miss him.

[unsolicitedfeelingsssssss-blog]

tonight, 2 april, 11:23pm cont.

its like i keep remembering all the good shit we had together when 3 months ago all i remembered was the stuff that annoyed, the flaws he had in my eyes. used to resent him so much but its all weird

[unsolicitedfeelingsssssss-blog]

tonight, 2 april 2020, 11:10pm

i dont know where to start. my head is kinda all over the place atm. but i can hone in on somewhere right now. 

i ended things with a guy mid-late last year. we dated for like 6 months. it was a time in my life when i was stressed and anxious a lot. hard to be in a relationship with. i broke up with him at the time because i was like “ooo this time of my life is too hard i can barely keep track of that let alone trying to be with someone” but deep down i thought it was because i had lost my love for him, if it was ever there in the first place. we were good together at the start. really good. i had a lot of lust for him. when we broke up things get objectively complicated. he was hurt and i was annoyed i couldnt have the space i needed. shit just kept happening between us that made us drift apart. he went through a lot. 

its now like 8 months later and hes completely moved on. substantially within his merits to do so. i told him we werent gonna get back together and that i didnt see a future for us. hes happy, in a relationship now but im still thinking about him. a lot. and i dont know if its because of him as a person or the idea of him. cliche i know. 

its just weird to think that like im feeling like this after so long. i think im lonely atm obviously as many people are, but he was the closest i had ever gotten to a real relationship where i was happy. committed. enough. he was amazing and perfect but just not for me at the time and i cant help but think if that may have changed now, over 8 months later where my life has drastically changed. i wanna see him. like a lot. hug him idk. would my feels come back or would it reaffirm the decision i made originally. idk. i think sometimes if i couldnt love him who can i ya know, but thats a whole ‘nother post. 

[unsolicitedfeelingsssssss-blog]

first post - hi

this is my first. i have created this acc fully anonymously as i want to create a sort of journal to express my feelings but i dont like writing because my handwriting is messy so hi. its currently 11:09pm, im in bed, sad