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unihalei-blog · 4 years

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Stuff that’s been on my mind tw

I’ve been really, really depressed lately. I was clean off of meth amphetamine for about two months, not doing any at all, and then about a month ago I wrecked it. That’s not why I’m depressed though, not the full reason anyway. The depression lead to my ongoing relapse. I have really bad PTSD from my childhood trauma. From as early as I can remember until around the time I was six years old, I was forcefully sexually abused in my own home whenever my abuser felt like it and I had no protection from that. It still haunts me to this day. I was so weak and defenseless. I was also just a kid, and innocent little kid, and I had done nothing wrong to deserve this. I spent a lot of my early childhood crying. I felt like no one loved me. I’d talk to my stuffed animals and blanket and pretend they loved me. I parted with them years ago because they reminded me of the abuse heavily. Both my parents were and still are addicts, and the same goes for my grandparents on both sides. My grandma used to cook meth in a bath tub when she lived in Georgia. I lived with my great aunt most my life, and called her mom like I would with my actual mom because she was more of a mom to me than my real mom could’ve ever been. However, in her eyes I was never good enough. I used to make straight A’s and wear whatever she picked out for me. I tried my best to make her happy, but I always did something wrong. She’d say awful things to me when she was mad. Once she told me she hated me over and over while she threw things at me and told me she wished she never took me in. This was for walking to where my real mom was staying because of problems going on in the house. She was always jealous of my real parents and jealous of pretty much anyone or anything I gave love and attention to. When my grades started slipping and I was making B’s she’d lose it. I got tired of being so good and just having bad come onto me. So in middle school, I started doing drugs. When I was thirteen I was doing pills a lot, speed pills. I’d stay up for days and not eat and I loved that routine. Not long after turning sixteen, my cousin got me to smoke some meth. Then I snorted some meth. It was like the first time I felt whole. I want so badly to just be happy and get my life together, but part of me doesn’t want to. The PTSD is killing me. For some reason, it’s getting worse. When I get high, as long as I’m really up there, it doesn’t really cross my mind. When I’m not really high, I just keep getting random flashbacks. I just want to enjoy things like I did for most of those two months I was clean. A few weeks before I relapsed was when I just kept getting flashbacks like I did before. I felt so good for that little time. I want it back. If you read this idk why it’s long as hell and it’s just me barfing my emotions but thanks for listening if you did. Maybe you could relate.

#meth #drugs #ptsd

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unihalei-blog · 4 years

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