truthserumgal

[truthserumgal]

[truthserumgal]

Even I am not aware.

I was diagnosed years ago. It was the the first time I started to understand my adolescent years. It explained so much. I could never see the symptoms in myself, not until recently anyway. It’s eye opening when you can finally look back to events and explain them with symptoms of bipolar disorder.

I have never had such a quick spiral like my recent one. It was my highest mania in over ten years and my lowest depression in over five years. It was finally noticeable to me because it happened in a month’s time. This quick swing is very rare for anyone with BPD. My changes usually last months to over a year. This is all new for me.

A few weeks ago I felt the best I have felt in a very long time. Things were looking up. I started a new business and felt confident that I would finally succeed in something…anything. I noticed my skin clearing up and my eyes brightening. I have been keeping friends longer and I was not pissing off my family with my silly outbursts. The sky was bright. The colors of the world were brighter. My life was looking up while my optimism grew. This sounds like a common mood for any human. Most people have normally happy times like this. But sadly, it it a common warning for an upcoming mania for a person with BPD. No one notices it as a warning. It is almost impossible to know the difference. I had no clue it was my warning. I felt too alive.

Within a short period of time I had hit full on hypomania. People adore you when you are hypomanic. I become quick witted, euphoric, optimistic, I am in love with everyone and everything. The wind feels like being hugged from the earth. I drive faster. I listen to music louder. I talk so much and so fast that keeping up with my own thoughts becomes impossible. “That’s not so bad!” you may think. It is that bad when it is a lie. My brain was lying to me with chemicals. Life was still real but I was seeing it as a movie, from the outside. Things were still good/bad. I did not notice. Those chemicals in my brain were lying to me. I thought that the world was perfect. My brain was hiding the existence of the negative.

Hypomania is very different than dysphoric mania. It is a misconception that mania means excitement and feeling up. Dysphoric mania is scary. It makes people fear you. It is why I can not hold a full time job. This is in no way an excuse. If I could have a full time job we would own a house. We would be able to go on vacations. I could send my kid traveling. I could have my long coveted Volkswagen. I would rather be able to work and have these luxuries than have the problems that this mania causes me. I have lost friends because of this type of mania. I have lost jobs. I have hurt and destroyed countless people. It has almost ruined my marriage more than once. This mania causes rage; outbursts of anger, blame, and pure frenzy. Still, no one, including myself, is ever aware that is is a chemical causing this while it is happening. I seem like I am just an asshole. What is scary is this anger coincides with delusions of grandeur. My mind tells me that I am right about all things, that no one is ever going to know as much as me or understand what I am angry about. What I think, say, and do is more important than what you think, say, and do. What people are not aware of, is when I am myself I am very open to opinions of others. I love humankind. I am fairly easy to get along with. This mania isn’t a choice. It changes me into someone I just do not like.

I did not have this mania for long this time, yet it was very strong. This is my common mania., the one that shows up often. This is how my family knew me when I started showing signs and know me still. I am glad that I never let too many people know me well. It protected them from me. I sometimes want to apologize to those who I did let know me.

My depression came on strong two days ago. One of my lowest in close to five years. I am a waste of space. I have ruined this and that. You will all be better without someone that can not stop ruining things. The depression started once I realized what my mania has done. What most people do not know is there is always embarrassment and guilt that goes along with the depression. I think of the things I did or said during mania and it hurts. It literally (I do not use this term loosely) becomes impossible to change my thought process. It hurts to open my eyes. The sun is too bright. My stomach aches. My chest gets heavy. My skin feels too tight for my body. There was a noticeably physical change in my eyes this time. My pupils became small. My irises, a lighter brown with a dark brown ring around my normally dark brown monochrome eyes. The skin around my eyes have darkened considerably and drooped. My eyelids heavier. The physical difference made me look like a different person. This is the only time during this illness that I finally became aware.

The biggest problem that others have during this phase is how to help. Action words are insulting and make me feel weak. Change, try, stop, and do just don’t help. I can not change my thoughts. There is a chemical in my brain stopping that from happening. I can not try to think of the things that are good in my life. The good thoughts do not come. I can not stop feeling like a weak waste of a human being. I can not do the impossible.

If you can be aware of someone like me in my position, never offer advice. Never ask what you can do. A depressed person will not know what you can do for them or how you can help. Do not make them ask you for physical contact or comfort; they will already be feeling unloveable. Make them cocoa or tea. Put your arm around them. Give them a magazine. Listen to their concerns without giving advice. Try to understand where they are coming from without saying you understand or relate. Most importantly, call their psychiatrist; they probably won’t.

We all support mental health awareness, but would you be the one to notice it happening to someone? I know I wouldn’t. If BPD lies to the sufferers, the sufferers will lie to you.

#bpd #bipolor