trishadvincula

[trishadvincula]

love grows

I lost count of the days since I wrote something about you. We got caught up of thinking so much about the future, a new thing for me to do but not exactly for you. Maybe, it's because a part of me is and I think will always be scared of the uncertainties of tomorrow. I believe that none of what I have now, the good and the bad, is permanent. But if I were given the blessing of choice, I would love to have you as my permanent.

I hope I get to read your good morning messages everyday, and soon, hear them as I wake up. I hope I get to make you coffee every time you needed one. I hope I get to tell you I love you just because I want. I hope I always get to hug you and tightly hold your hand. And most importantly baba, I hope you live longer than me, because I don't know if I can bear to live in a world without you in it.

My love for you grows everyday, and it's all because you allow it to. Thank you, Baba ❤️

Love, Your Maarteng Girlfriend

[trishadvincula]

Rainbow

“There’s a rainbow always after the rain..”

It is true. And these past few days have been a series of rainbows for me. It is humbling to be able to say this with the acknowledgment that none of what I have now is brought by force but by prayers and by fate.

As much as I want, I still cannot claim to be fully satisfied with my position in life. I am thankful, no doubt, but I also know that I could be more. And I know that I can be more, and I will be more, with the right mindset and perfect time. But, for now, let me take this time to write these feelings down. Let me recognize this part of life where peace overflows, blessings occur, and gratefulness prevails. Thank God He let me through what I went through without losing my faith. Thank God I am now at a better place. By being in a better place, I mean being encircled, nurtured, and loved by the right people and the best support system.

My parents, the first two people to love me. These people gave me a life that’s way beyond our true means, and for that, I am grateful. My role models of selflessness, faithfulness, and bravery. Seeing me grow up too fast must cause you pain, but I wish you understand that I am just growing up and not growing far. I will always be your firstborn and your only daughter. It’s just that today, I have to learn to do things on my own and slowly work to become what I am truly meant to be. 

And of course, Pau. It’s been months, but sometimes I still can’t grasp the fact that my old crush is now my boyfriend. Thank you for being you and for loving me wholly as I am. Thank you for the butterflies, the flowers, the joy, the time, and the trust. It is just the beginning of our journey, but I want to keep a promise that I will love you every day. I vow to always find a reason to stay, work things out, and love you without a doubt. Of all the risks that I did for love, I want you to know that you are the most worthy one. I love you, my love.

[trishadvincula]

🖤

[trishadvincula]

good problems

Relationships

A few nights ago, I and my girls talked about our relationship shenanigans. Some shared about their compromise, their toxic egos, while some, their thoughtless decisions. Don’t get these first sentences wrong, I absolutely love these homies, and I will always love how our dynamic personalities complement each other. My point is, I am floored just how our romantic relationships have shaped us to be the women that we are today. We did things we used to promise we wouldn’t, and we loved people we never thought we would. We compromised to avoid petty fights, we stayed quiet when attention is not served, and we loved even when we can’t find valid reasons anymore. Being in a relationship today isn’t as fun as it used to be in high school, and I am pretty sure it’s only downhill from here. It’s not just about two people in love anymore, it is also about the careers we take, how we value our faith, how we face disagreements, and plans for the future that we desire to create. My only hope for my best friends is that you remain strong despite the uncertainties and that you become independent women not for anybody but for yourselves. May you always choose what gives you peace and allow yourselves enough space and time to grow, learn, and ponder what you truly, genuinely deserve.

Undeserving

I had a chitchat with my now resigned officemate. Shared a couple of updates about my life, specifically how my mom cries over the thought of me settling down soon and how I am afraid of board exam postponements. He replied - “Those are good problems, right?” and in silence, I immediately agreed. After that, I was reminded that I am indeed one heck of an undeserving blessed person. Nothing in my life is perfect, and I rarely get what I want but, that is the exact reason why I am blessed. God removes the unnecessary people or things in my life and replaces them with what He knows I need the most. Months ago, I wrote about how I felt over a painful situation. Now, I am not even sure if I can translate in words the overflowing gratefulness I am feeling inside. Undoubtedly, God’s works and plans will always turn out to be for our best. We just got to bravely hold on and have faith in his timing.

The Best

A man who sees my worth, who respects my parents, who prioritizes my happiness, and who loves me proudly. A man who makes time, who still calls me pretty despite my many flaws, and who reminds me to be a good daughter. A man that is selfless, caring, mature, forward-thinking, faithful, and family-oriented. Dating boys, I have accepted that this type of man does not exist in our generation anymore, but Pao proved otherwise. He reminded me of what I have always been deserving of and showed through actions how sincere he is with his feelings. I pray that I become worthy of this type of love and become the woman who shows Pao how deserving he is of the same pure love. 

[trishadvincula]

...

I want to take note of this very moment.

This moment where my heart feels weary. This moment where my hope is almost gone. This moment where my doubts are overflowing. Thinking about the future scares me a lot. Can I do it? Am I meant for something notable? Looking back makes me feel frustrated. All I can think of are the mistakes and the decisions I made. What if I were braver to say “no” at some moments of my life? What if I were less selfish?

I want to take note of this year.

Through my best and through my worst, through his happy and through his sad, we saw each other. We held on to each other as if we were as strong as we think we are. We believed in each other as if we were sure about what we were doing. We loved each other as if we weren’t afraid of getting hurt. Most importantly, we strived to be grateful. After all, between the trials are moments full of answered prayers. As much as I wanted to continue our story and stay by his side every day, we both know it’s not possible. The only way out is acceptance.

I want to take note of my pain.

Every time I cried, every time I have to muster the courage left in me, and every time where waking up feels like a burden. I want to take note of the hurt and believe that the good days will soon come. When I finally wake up to that day, I will look back to this very moment, this year, and this pain. I will remember all the lessons, the people who believed in me, and I will remember my old self. I want to be thankful that I went through all of these. Because if there is one good thing that came out of these, it is that I started to pray again.

I want to forgive myself.

Although I don’t know how or when, but I hope I can forgive myself. I wish I can. I truly wish I can.

[trishadvincula]

para sa mga taong dumadaan lang pero hindi itinadhanang manatili sa piling natin...

[trishadvincula]

:)

Grateful after all. Ghosts of the past still hit me from time to time, I'd be lying if I say it doesn't bother me at all. It still does, but the pain slowly blurs through time. Besides, there's also a lot of beautiful things about the past that we got to be thankful for . People, oh people are so complex. You think you already know somebody so well, when in fact you actually don't. Got disappointed and got hurt, but still we got to learn how to forgive even if they never asked for it. There's something so freeing understanding that people are not and will never be perfect. There's something so freeing understanding that people are allowed to choose themselves too. Karma, I do believe in karma now. Just watch closely my friend, and see how everything is happening in a cycle. What goes around comes around (: Love, ugh love. Never be afraid to give love thinking you wouldn't be loved in return. You know, relationships shouldn't be about the commitment to stay. It should be about the commitment to growth, to acceptance, to compromise and to choosing what is best for the both of you. To say "I love you" is just a piece of cake, but to show it, to prove it, that's something magical. Growth, I'm enjoying you. You're painful and exhausting, but I'm grateful I'm going through you. 4/4/19

[trishadvincula]

Ipangako mo na kahit hindi matumbasan ang handa mong ibigay, hinding hindi ka magdadamot. Ipangako mo na kahit ilang beses kang talikuran, hinding hindi ka titigil magmahal. Ipangako mo sa sarili mo na kahit ilang beses kang masaktan, hinding hindi mo ibabalik ang sakit sa mundo. Ang totoong pagmamahal ay buong pusong binibigay, hindi hinihingi. Ang totoong nagmamahal ay walang hinihinging kapalit.

[trishadvincula]

Hate to admit it but there were more times last year that I wasn't happy with my life, wasn't contented of what I have, and wasn't confident of who I am. I frequently caught myself thinking of ways to end my life because of the pain I'm experiencing as I'm still alive. I forgot to see the beautiful side of the world because I was so focused on hating the ugly side of it. Until I realized, it's time for me to help myself and finally numb the pain. It was calming at first because I was sure of myself that I didn't felt the agony of life and hate towards the world anymore. I was simply careless. And then it hit me that I wasn't happy either. I was just simply living but I'm not feeling anything. I was just letting the days and weeks pass me by. So, without a doubt, I decided to feel again. Sure it will be painful, but it's the only way to be alive again. It may took me a rollercoaster ride to realize this not so secret shit of life, but at least I am here now. Sucks that we have to go through hell of a pain before we learn and realize something, but that's reality over there kid. That's growth. That's life.

[trishadvincula]

Men needs to be held too; admit it or not women tend to be so selfish and setting their minds that men should always treat women like a queen and they should not let the women carry heaviness in their hearts and let the men do all the sacrifices. But let me tell you something, girl, men needs to treat like a king too and in a relationship between two people, it is not and it will never be alright when only one of the two will do all the things. Never.

Ask him how was his day like he always do to you. Understand him, sometimes he might fail to make you understand but do it still. Don’t leave his side when you see sadness through his eyes because that’s when the time he needed you the most. Show him that he can vent on you like how you vent on him when everything at your end is getting worse. Listen to his stories, tell him your thoughts and tell him he has a brave heart and a beautiful even if he’s wearing his scars from his past. Hold his hand always, especially when he thinks that everyone in the world is against him, hold him tighter. Don’t go anywhere when all he could think is to get away from people, he will never tell you that he needs you but he do. Do everything like what he would and surely would do to you as well.

Most importantly, do all these with love. Do it wholeheartedly. Love him and everything about him; good or bad. That’s how you would hold him, that’s how he would hold you back. That’s how you will work out the connection between you and him.

[trishadvincula]

Let me out of the box Let me grow Let me make my own mistakes And then let me learn from them Let me challenge myself Let me wander through all the possibilities Let me trust people Because this world lacks a bit of that Let me discover my passion Let me go through pain Let me have my heart broken And most importantly, Let me be me

[trishadvincula]

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat, where are you in my entire life blogging. Nice writings! yehey! cheers! :)

just saw this now haha sorry for the super late reply! thank you btw for the appreciation :)

[trishadvincula]

⏳

The pain of knowing you can't hear their voice and feel their skin anymore. The pain of realizing how much affection you're willing to give but they just aren't there to accept that. The struggle of waking up everyday and remembering you have to go through this kind of pain once again. I could go on and on explaining how much it fvcking hurts to lose a loved one, but there's just no enough word to match the pain. So here's an advice kid, it may sound cliche, but please take every damn opportunity you have to tell someone who matter to you that they are an amazing person. Tell all the words they are supposed to here now that they are still able to hear it. Hug them, kiss them, and shower them with all the love you can give. Not just because you can, but also because they deserve it.

[trishadvincula]

Ligaw

Halos dalawang dekada na pala Ang tagal na rin pala Nakakapagtaka lang, bakit parang lagi akong naninibago? Bakit parang hindi pa din ako sanay? Paglabas sa kanto, liliko sa kaliwa, sabay sa kanan naman Pero bakit parang naliligaw pa rin ako? Pritong itlog din naman ang ulam namin kahapon, pero bakit parang iba ang lasa nito? Bughaw pa rin naman ang kulay ng langit pero bakit parang iba ang natatanaw ko? Paulit-ulit pero nakakapanibago paulit-ulit kaso parang may mali Tinatanong ko na din ang sarili ko, Ako pa rin ba 'to? O baka naman ito talaga ako Ito ba talaga ang gusto ko? O ito ba ang gusto nila para sa'kin? Ni hindi ko na masilip ang kahit katiting na saya kapag ginagawa ang mga bagay na palagi ko namang ginagawa. Wala namang dahilan, basta ginagawa ko na lang. Kasi nakasanayan? Kasi ito na ang kinagisnan? Ang hirap maging mahina kapag malakas ang kalaban Pero mas mahirap kalabanin ang sariling isipan Para kang tangang maghapon na nakikipag bato-bato pik sa harapan ng salamin. At sa pagsapit ng gabi, paghiga mo sa kama, bago ipikit ang mga mata, susuko ka lang din naman. Kasi alam mong paggising sa umaga, uulitin mo lang din ang lahat, susunod kahit may pagdududa huwag ka lang masabihang, "wala kang utang na loob sa Kaniya".

[trishadvincula]

Ako pa din naman 'to, pagod lang.

[trishadvincula]

It's an entirely different kind of sadness. It's that kind of sadness that turns everything into pain and anger. Instead of you wanting to disappear in this world, it is this world that you wish would disappear. It makes you question everything that you have learned to believe since the beginning. It's that kind of sadness that is so inviting. It invites you to the dark side. It convinces you that being alone is better than being friends with people that leaves you at the end of the day, after all. It's that kind of sadness that makes you forget how to love and how to feel anything. It won't make you cry anymore, but it will make you numb. You will start to care less, think less, and pity less. You'll never know when you're already satisfied. You'll never be sure when something is already enough. You'll never want to get over this kind of sadness, because you knew that being over with it meant feeling everything at once again.

[trishadvincula]

im starting to like your presence and it scares me