travellingthoughts

[travellingthoughts]

[travellingthoughts]

Wednesday 20th of June 2018

The very highly anticipated blog post is here...and it’s brutally honest. This is what happened when I took a chance with a guy on the other side of the world.

Let’s get straight to it. The entire time was filled with spritzer (which is wine with sparkling water and sometimes lemonade), chicken or pork schnitzel with a side of parsley potatoes, and a fuck load of alcohol. Like all day, every day. Add that with really good company and it was a fabulous time. It’s fair to say I left pudgier then I came in which was the only down side but I’ll just get back on my feet when I’m home.

Day 1 consisted of meeting up with Alex and i was so fucking nervous honestly... I rung my best friend and needed her to console me and tell me to calm the fuck down. I don’t know why I was so nervous it’s not like I love the guy. I’m sure he was feeling the same. It had been over a year since we had seen each other and I think I was just nervous that this whole thing was going to be one big regret. I was feeling hungover as fuck because I made the mistake of partying the night before I had to catch a 6am flight (my friends on snapchat are well aware that this is a common occurrence and if you want to be apart of the snapfam add me using elenipilafas) #didjusttakethatopportunity. I had barely any sleep and had a terrible flight. Add that all together and I wasn’t in a great state when I saw him. He took me back to his apartment where I had the chance to freshen myself up and catch some zzz’s all whilst he went back to work. At about 4pm he came home and we waited for his housemate to come home also. I met his friend Berni last year when I met Alex in Madrid. Then we all went for drinks at a shipwreck and went to a fake beach on the Danube to drink some more. Yes... I did just say fake beach and it literally had sand on concrete and, yes this constituted as a “beach” 🤷🏽‍♀️ I guess you do what you have to do when you don’t have a coastline 😂

Day 2 was really chilled. We slept in and rolled around until like 4pm with no regrets. Then we finally got up and went to Stephanplatz and strolled around the city to the Mayors house (which looked like a church tbh however Alex didn’t think so). We went and got schnitzel for dinner #shockhorror1 and then had wine back at the house #shockhorror2. I met his housemates girlfriend and she was lovely but there was a definite language barrier. She barely speaks English and I speak a few basic words of German. She was still gorg though and did make an effort which was lovely of her.

Day 3 was huge and very interesting. We woke up early and strolled around endlessly. 19,500 steps later and my feet were jelly. We went to Shunbrun palace and ate apple strudel and an ice coffee on the hill. It’s a massive palace and with beautiful gardens and a hill with a waterfall. It felt like we walked the entire thing 😂 Then we went out for dinner with some friends of his that I met in Madrid and had lots of laughs. Alex and I continued the night at the Danube river, where there was this massive party with pop-up bars food stalls for kms. We walked all along it, and had cocktails at several bars along the way home. The most interesting part about the whole night was we got into quite possibly the deepest conversation I think we’ve ever had. We spoke about us being together. We discussed every aspect of our love lives but the most intriguing thing he said was that if I was to ever get married he would make sure i would never go through with it. His exact words were “if you ever got married I would run through the back doors and object”. I explained to him that by then, he would had missed his opportunity and that he should have grown some balls way before it got to the actual wedding #savage. It was in this moment that I realised he actually does feel something because he wouldn’t have said anything if this wasn’t the case. I also realised that he isn’t ready to settle anytime soon and neither am I. He’s 26 and I’m 21. Fuck I’ve got so much I want to do in my life, and getting into a relationship anytime soon isn’t on the agenda 😂

The next few days were filled with great memories. We caught a train to Hollern, which is a village where he is from. His entire family is from there and his friends are all there. They are a community of 200 people which was amazing because it’s always refreshing to leave the city and catch some greenery on the countryside. I met his parents and they’re lovely but damn I was nervous. I don’t know why. I guess I just didn’t want them to think that we were together and I didn’t want that kind of pressure on us. I met pretty much his entire village in the two days we stayed there. The minute we arrived we went to the fire station (which honestly should just be called a bar because every time we went there we drank an endless supply of alcohol😂). I was introduced to spritzer and we had a couple of glasses before we jumped in the fire truck for a drive to a field for the boys to practice their drills. The Hollern firefighter department were competing in a competition where they do their drills. Several villages close by participate and it’s this huge opportunity to get drunk. Whilst the firefighter boys were hard at work, I ate fries and schnitzel sandwiches and drank wine all day long in the sun with his friends. I got really burnt whilst doing so and it was great 😂 Then for the sole purpose of getting slaughtered, his entire village/friendship group went to a party in the next village ever called Pachfurth (not pronounced Patch fourth apparently 🤷🏽‍♀️). We laughed all day long and they wouldn’t let me drink water. I literally secretly tried to fill my glass with water and someone caught me and was like “Eleni what’s in your glass?” and I not only was caught red handed, but was made to skull a drink to make up for my sins *secretly loved every minute of it*. It was just a jolly good time tbh and his friends were telling Alex that I fit into the group and village really well and that made me happy that they felt the way I did. They were also calling his father over and telling him that his going to be my father-in-law and honestly all I could do was laugh because by this stage I was at least 6 glasses of wine and an uncountable amount of spritzer in. The gin and tonic right at the end put me in a state far beyond sober. Couldn’t tell you how we got home but I woke up at Alex’s parents house and Alex was feeling as shit as I was. This brings me to day 5. I was certainly hungover but functioning after the previous day of craziness. His mum had made this amazing cherry sponge cake thing and she made me a coffee and we all sat outside in the sun drinking coffee and reminiscing on the day before. Then his mum made us lunch all whilst Alex and I went for a bike ride along Hollern which was beautiful. The bike was too big for me and I swear Alex laughed the entire time at me and my shakiness. That afternoon, we went back to the firefighters department to drink more spritzer (told you...should just be a bar 😷🤷🏽‍♀️) and then made our way to a few villages over called Hainburg or something where we had dessert and went to the top of a mountain where you could see Bratislava in Slovakia. In this village there is a street called “blood street” (not its name in German) where there are slashes of knives on the walls that mark where Turkish soldiers slaughtered civilians trying to escape hundreds of years ago. Then we made our way back to the fire department for Schnapps testing and then to dinner in a village close by. I said goodbye to all of his amazing friends and we caught a train back to his apartment in Vienna.

On day 6 I woke up fresh as a daisy and went to the gym. Alex went to work in the morning but came back from work to take me to the train station and see me off. He told me he hates goodbyes but I said to him that it’s not a goodbye, it’s a “I’ll see you again”.

He looked after me really well, always making sure I was okay and happy. However in terms of emotions, they were non-existent in both ends and I’m happy with that. There weren’t sparks if that’s a good way to put it. To begin with, the whole experience felt confusing because one minute he was being cute and then the next minute wasn’t. By about day 3 I had shut off emotionally because I don’t deal well with not knowing where I stand. The chat on the beach that night also did it for me. I guess that’s why I haven’t written about it yet, because I actually didn’t know what to write. I called my best friend at the airport when I left Vienna and was literally speechless like how the fuck am I meant to feel?! It’s taken some time of reflection and realisation to get some words together to actually put my feelings on paper. I’m sorry to say, but there is no love story or a never-coming-home-from-Europe kind of plot twist. I think this whole experience has made me realise that I don’t want with anyone but myself right now and I’m more then fine with that. It also taught me that you may as well take chances and risks in life because it will always teach you something in the end. And for me personally, it was a really positive experience and outcome. I had an absolute blast and the highlight was definitely his village and all the beautiful people I met there. They loved me and I loved them. I feel very warm towards the entire experience, from meeting him and his friends last year to creating more memories this year. I got the opportunity to get to know him really well and spend quality time together for a solid 6 days. I’m so very lucky to have Alex and his friends as my friends on the other side of the world. And just like that, I’m signing off.

Until the next post,

Len x

[travellingthoughts]

Wednesday 30th of May 2018

Disclaimer: this entire situation could turn to shit and I’m probably over thinking everything but I’m okay with that because I’m willing to take a chance that this could work out.

Another disclaimer: I swear I wasn’t going to write because I can’t get my words or thoughts together?! 😷

Disclaimer #3: I have sweaty palms and wearing a grey hoodie was a terrible idea...

Alarm is set for 5am. Went to the bar last night for one drink and it turned out to be more like jager bombs and vodka lime sodas and Jamieson and where the fuck is my self control 😂🤷🏽‍♀️ I must have left it behind in Melbourne which honestly tends to happens everytime I travel 🤫 Didn’t get back to the room until 1:30am and my shit was everywhere so I had to pack in the dark and tbh I’m still freaking out that I left something behind (I left my phone in the room with the flash light on and on the floor this morning.... very lucky it was 5am and no one got to it before me🙃) but I can’t do too much now can I?!? Why was I up so early? Because today is the day... we’re up, up and away!

I can’t shake the nerves and the butterflies and everything in between. I’m so nervous and I don’t know why I feel like this... I haven’t felt like this in a very long time and the only way I can describe it is excitedly nervously happy?!! That makes no sense.

I’m currently on my flight to see Alex and it’s all systems go from there. We were messaging yesterday trying to figure out what’s going on with the airport and getting to his place and he just threw in the casual “it feels like our first date” 😂 He couldn’t be more right tbh because I’m nervous as shit as well but I’m glad I’m not the only one feeling this way 😍

Story time: how Alex and I met 😂 if this isn’t fate then I don’t know what is....

So last year I was in Madrid with my girlfriend Jess, who I met in Barcelona about a week before. She is the kind of chicka that your personalities just click, like I think she asked me to close the door or something in the shower block and that was it- BFF’s 👯‍♀️ So she came and found me in Madrid for a weekend and we had decided to go on a pub crawl. We were in the main city square called Sol or something and there was this guy who was selling 10€ pub crawl tickets. 3 bars, each included free drinks and then entry to a club that was 7 stories. We were so keen to let loose so we bought the tickets and the guy was like “meet here at 10 and we will start heading off”. I looked like a mess after walking around endlessly all day so I said to Jess that I’m going back to my hostel to shower and refresh and we will meet up later to pre drink before the pre drinks (no wonder I came back a whale honestly... so much sugar). So I did and half way through putting my face on she calls me and was like “YOU HAVE TO COME TO MY HOSTEL RIGHT NOW THERE ARE SOME HOT AS FUCK GUYS THAT JUST ARRIVED”. So what did I do?! I ran for my fucking life. I ran like there was a murderer behind me and I was about an inch from them. Literally picked up alcohol on the way and headed to her dorm, where I was greeted by 4 gorgeous boys that had an open Bacardi bottle (fell in love at this exact point when I laid eyes on the bottle🤣) and were just passing it around downing it like it’s nothing. No squinty face. No fire breathing. No flicker of an eyelash. I was impressed. It turns out they were on a boys trip which was an instant red flag because we all know what happens on boys trips and I am NOT about that life 😂 Anyway, I put the red flag aside and we chatted and laughed and talked so much shit it was hilarious. Like from the minute we met there was this instant connection with Alex. So Jess and I did a bathroom meet like true gal pals do, and assessed the situation. We made an adult decision to fuck the pub crawl right off and hang out with the boys for the rest of the night. And it was fab. We stayed at the hostel and drunk until I thought I looked like Mariah Carey and went to the club that we were going to end up at on the pub crawl. 7 floors. Each level a different genre of music. Shots all round. Maccas right next door. It was honestly like a dream come true! So we had the night of our lives and it was the best improv decision we ever made. The next few days consisted of more drinks and hanging out, roof top bars, park hangs, plenty of cuddles and kisses and the rest is history! I thought it was a bit of a fling tbh and it’s not because I wanted it to be but more because I was definitely in the mentality of “stay away from boys, they suck and your calling in life is to catch flights and not feels”. It was the beginning of my trip (second destination) and I wanted to not leave my heart anywhere else but with myself. I am also a very logical and realistic person (unless you catch me whilst I vulnerably am deciding between having or not having chocolate like let’s be real, the 14g of sugar is 100% WORTH IT 😂). My thought process was we live on opposite sides of the world (still the case), and that there is no way it could ever work. I’m not willing to give up my life, my job or my university degree in Melbourne for a guy. Never have been inclined to do so and never will. So for me, it was very much a fling and that was going to be it.

THEN, I go to Vienna which is where he lives and I ditch my tour to go out for a night on the town just us two. This was our first ever date day/night and I made sure my highlight was so damn bright, the entire sky lit up. And it was perfect (not the highlight... the date 😂).

*At this point, I would like to add that he ran a marathon the same morning that we went out. How the hell he did that and didn’t seize up honestly still surprises me. I ran 16km once and was out for a week with ice packs covering every single inch of my body. Absolute superstar*

He met me in the city (at this point in time he was living about 1 hour outside of the city in his village). This was after my tour group did a shnapps tour, which for those who don’t know, is a home brewed alcoholic substance that is infused with different flavours and packs a punch. It’s lethal, like the kind of stuff people used to drink when it’s -10 degrees to warm them up. That’s a legit story btw I know I talk a lot of smack 😂 So we were doing shots of these before I met up with him. Enough to keep it cool but calm the nerves and he still has no clue 😂 To put it simply, we went out for dinner and wine, went to a sky bar that over looks Vienna for cocktails, strolled around some gorgeous important buildings and parks in the inner city. It was gorgeous. How I made the bus the next morning is still beyond me and it was safe to say I spent the whole next day with butterflies in my stomach because god damn, he was perfect. We have kept in contact since (obviously) and I when I booked Europe this year I actually wasn’t going to come and visit him. I had hoped to stay on the west coast of Europe and discover that extensively, but he kept asking and I finally gave in 😂

And that brings us to today. Where there is no shnapps to save me and I also have absolutely no make up on. Im not superficial about wearing makeup, I actually hate it. I figured I may as well rock up looking like I’m homeless and that way when we go out to wherever we are going later, he will come home and be gobsmacked 😂 He messaged me yesterday saying that he will pick me up from the train station, and take me back to his apartment where I can chill until 3pm when he will come and pick me up after work. I have no clue where he is taking me or maybe I misinterpreted but I’m secretly hoping we will go to the gym and go out for dinner and drinks and lols with his friends and just chill and watch movies and do cute things. But I’m not expecting him to plan anything because then I believe if you expect nothing, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Anyway, like I said this could turn to absolute shit or it could be an amazing decision. I won’t know until I experience it but for now, I’ll do just that.... 🔮

[travellingthoughts]

Sunday 27th of May 2018:

So it’s been a long, long time but guess who’s back 🙋🏽‍♀️🙋🏽‍♀️🙋🏽‍♀️

I feel like the only time I have to reflect and relax is when I’m at a boarding gate and am forced to sit and wait 😂 And to be honest... I should probably work on that!

Oh well.... that will have to wait because IM OFF TO EUROPE FOR 5 WEEKS WOOHOOO!!!!! I might sound really excited over text but tbh, I’m so exhausted I haven’t slept in over 24hours and the only thing I’m looking forward to right now is catching some zzzz’s 😴

I’ve decided I’m not holding back this time and I’m going to be writing more often. I fucking love this shit. Just putting all my thoughts, feelings and naughty doings out in writing does something to my insides. And I really hope y’all enjoy reading this stupid blog of mine because I enjoy putting my life on blast. Everyone is so superficial these days with social media... so scared for people to know they might be struggling or have done something they probably shouldn’t have. But I kind of really don’t care because 1. I enjoy living vicariously through other people’s blogs and shit/happy life stories and 2. If it makes at least one person laugh then I’m doing something right 😂

My last time blogging in Europe was a success however there is a lot I didn’t say about the naughtiness side of things so this times it’s all in! Hopefully Ibiza doesn’t disappoint 😇

So... where am I going?!? I start off in Barcelona (my favourite city in the world tbh i highly recommend absolutely everything about it), and I’m really excited to go back to my favourite bakery and have a crossaint (should have gone to Paris... I know but whatevs) 🙊

Then I fly to Vienna to see Alex and it’s going to be all sorts of romantic(no emoji needed let’s be real).

Next up is back to Barcelona for a night until Contiki starts so Portugal and Morocco will follow 💃🏽🎨 And I don’t know how this will happen but I end up in Ibiza and don’t plan on eating or sleeping the entire time, just being a fabulous drunk whilst on the biggest boat party in the world. Talk about living my best life! Side note: about 10 minutes ago I was having an anxiety attack about this trip but told myself to get over it because this is called character building and this is how tough bitches are made 😂 I’m nervous because A) I’m all by myself B) travelling alone means that if anything bad happens like you need to go to hospital or you miss breakfast in the morning.... you need to deal with it without panic (the second is the hardest to deal with #budgetlife) and C) I’m meeting up with Alex and that makes me excitedly nervous 😍 oh and D) I have to try and survive Ibiza 😜

Anyways I’m blabbering on (nothing new) and so I will check in with you when I make me next moves 💃🏽

For now, stay humble and happy and don’t forget to do the things that make you happy 😘😘

P.s- I don’t wanna leave Ollie Dollie like legit cried a tear because he started crying as I was leaving. There are some things they just know. But I told him to be on his best behaviour (no jumping, digging or barking) and then we will be reunited happily in 5 weeks time 😩🐶

#lentakeseurope2.0

[travellingthoughts]

Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.

-Matthew Fisher on Tamed by Emma Chase (via suspend)

[travellingthoughts]

I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, Kiss me harder, and You’re a good person, and, You brighten my day. I live my life as straight-forward as possible. Because one day, I might get hit by a bus. Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands. But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate. And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care. We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans. We never know when the bus is coming.

Rachel C. Lewis (via thelovejournals)

[travellingthoughts]

Monday the 15th of January 2018

I'm sitting here in a cafe surrounded by a whole bunch of people all by myself. Why you ask? It will all make sense below. The idea of doing something by yourself would normally scare a lot of people, but it doesn't at all for me. I think I've always been quite an independent soul. I've never really needed anyone or relied on anyone for anything. I pay for life by myself, I pay for travel by myself, I fuck any friends off who do wrong by me and my life continues to go on. However, there is something I want to touch on that has been affecting me quite a lot lately and that's loneliness. You see, it's really odd because I guess I'm used to being lonely in life. Even when I was with my ex, I didn't ever really need him or depend on him. I always knew I'd be more then fine on my own and whole heartedly believed it, and look what I'm doing now? Life... on my own. Its made no difference to me whether I have a boyfriend or loads of friends. I've never wanted to have a huge group of friends, I just wanted to be happy with a small group of close ones. And that is something I have achieved. Really good girlfriends, who have my back no matter what, people who I can call at any hour and know that they would pick up the phone and be there for me. Girls who don't judge, bitch or start unnecessary drama. Girls who I believe are a direct reflection of who I am/want to be, and inspire me to continue to be this way. But the only problem is, and this is where the loneliness kicks in, is that literally all but 1 of these girls are taken, engaged or married. They have a complete seperate and busy life where I guess I know they love and care for me but I don't necessarily feel important. And then the internalisation of all of this kicks in, and I start to wonder about my life. Everyone is so busy and I guess I'm not because I don't have a significant other. Yes I work and I go to the gym and I have a dog and enjoy time with family and that does occupy time, but I still will always have time, or male time, for my girls. I guess I'm just feeling a bit left behind. I think it all began not too long ago when a girl I really cared about and had loads of fun with inside and outside of work ditched me for another colleague. It was one of those situations I called unfortunate and put it behind me. What more could I do? I wasn't going to say anything as I didn't want to cause any drama but I truly did/do feel ditched and left behind. And I'm sure it was unintentional but I can't help the way I feel. I was more then fine with all of this as life was busy and everything was going 200km/h but it all slowed down after my bestfriend's wedding. I'm literally getting teary thinking about it. She is my closest girlfriend ever and knowing that she was going to be living further away from me is something that hasn't quite settled in well yet. It's all a lot harder now for many reasons and I just hate knowing that. And I feel lonely without her in my life all the time. And then she went overseas and again, all but 1 chicka was overseas at the same time and that didn't leave me feeling great. The most confusing part of this whole situation is that I really do enjoy being by myself. There's never been an issue with spending time by myself, but maybe I'm spending too much time by myself and it's beginning to backfire on my mental health a little. I also do not want a boyfriend, as again I really enjoy being by myself and having only myself to worry about. I want to travel by myself without having to leave someone back at home. I'm not ready to be in a relationship any time soon, so that's not an option. And I guess I feel this way because I love them all so much and I would do anything for them. I know that this has to be the reason why because if I didn't care about them as much as I do, they would never really be spoken to again and more then likely be forgotten about in a couple of weeks. There are always positives though. The best thing about all of this is that everything in life is temporary. No matter how you're feeling; elated, sad , excited or overwhelmed, the feelings are only going to hang around for a short time. And that's absolutely welcomed by me because I want this feeling to absolutely fuck off. I know it will when uni begins because I'm back being surrounded by people I know at uni, and it will not come back whilst I travel around Europe again mid-year. I am 21. I feel like I have gone through things in my life that people usually endure at a later stage. And having pretty much all my friends getting married or being in a relationship is something I would have expected to be dealing with at 25-30 years old. But I'm dealing with it now and it will all be okay. Because everything always has turned out okay and life has never stopped continuing to run its course. So I'm going to do what I always do and that's take my ass straight to the gym and channel these negative thoughts and feelings into something positive in life ❤

[travellingthoughts]

Monday the 11th of September 2017

Oh hey there 👋🏼 She's back, and a lot more real-er this time round👊🏼There's so many topics I want to touch on, but let's see what comes out. Oh the joys of writing.... It's been a hell of a long time since I've written, and as some of you who have been with me for the last 5 months would know, I haven't even finished blogging about my European escapade. It just goes to show how non-stop the end of my trip was 💃🏽 This blog, although originally created for my travel adventures only, will now hold all of my thoughts and feelings about life. And seeing as though it's called travelling thoughts... I think the name is highly appropriate. So where do I begin? Holy shit, so ever since I've been home so much has happened. I'm back into routine working 4-6 days a week, back at uni, back to working out and eating relatively clean. I obviously (social media whore) bought myself a puppy bear who has filled my entire heart. He is naughty and adorable all at the same time and is driving me insane whilst keeping me sane... Go figure! I'm in the midst of planning my 21st in this mayhem (seriously starting to hate the fact that I'm a valentine baby because November is NOT the time to plan a 21st!) AND to top it off I have my best friends wedding at the beginning of December. Then my first cousin and grandma come from America to spend Christmas, New Years and the start of January with my family and I couldn't be more excited. However, I'm honestly feeling really quite overwhelmed and run down. I think this has to do with what I want to share next. So I have been on antidepressants since I was 16 years old and recently, like 6 days ago now, I officially stopped taking them 🎉 It's been a solid 5 years, and I couldn't be prouder that I've actually managed to kick my depression and anxiety on its ass. Here's to a massive F*CK YOU to shit mental health 🖕🏽🥂👊🏼 Getting on these pills was a massive thing as I blatantly refused to take medication for my rapidly declining mental health. I think I was in complete denial that I had anything wrong with me, and after downing any pill I could get my hands on like it was nothing, I figured I may as well give these ones a try too. The beginning was completely fucked... ask anyone who actually stuck by me to see the effects. I would get so so excited and happy over something as simple as going for a coffee with a friend. Or for no reason at all. I would just get an adrenaline rush through me and be elated over nothing. Like literally squeal out of excitement. And then it turned to having no emotions at all. Like I wasn't depressed (which was good) but I didn't really feel much either and looking back, I don't know which one I would have rathered. It was so fucked and that's kind of the whole reason why I refused to get on meds for so long, but I guess when you're lying in the middle of the road on New Year's Eve wishing that the next person who is driving past is drunk enough and won't have time to swerve, you take anything you can get. Fact. And yes I remember it but it has never been spoken about or brought up with my family. I guess I felt/feel ashamed of what I did. It was selfish on my behalf, maybe I should have been a little more inconspicuous about my suicidal attempt like the others. Who knows? So after a while I guess I settled down, and was just kind of airey fairy when it came to emotions. This was when I was able to begin my therapy and start getting into the nitty gritty as to what the f*ck was wrong with me. And it's been a long ass 5 years but I can finally say that I'm actually on the right track and am doing it without the assistance I once had. It's still a massive insecurity not knowing how I'm going to be feeling every morning. However, I now have full control over what Im feeling and how I deal with these emotions. I need to own the way I'm feeling and continue to sort out my emotions whilst still being everything that I am. The temptation to fall back into old, detrimental habits is still a thought in the back of my head and that's because it's easy. But my aim is to just keep pushing forward no matter how much my mind tries to drag me back. I guess when these thoughts are no longer thoughts will when I can officially close and seal this chapter of my life. This leads me on to my next topic, and that's baggage. I am back on the dating scene and have been for a while now, and this whole past of mine lingers on my mind when I go on dates. I don't tell them unless they open up to me about a traumatic situation, as I guess I feel like it's baggage. Like people think having children or being a stripper in your past is baggage that should stay zipped and locked. I feel like my mental health is baggage. I'm really caught between feeling two things. One, that my past shouldn't be mentioned to someone I'm getting serious with until we are in a relationship and two, that this is who I was but not who I am now and I need to own it. It makes me cringe. I don't want to have to tell someone something that I'm honestly okay with now. What if they feel like I'm a psychopath who could just turn back to the depressed bitch she was years ago? I would just rather skip the entire conversation and just be the extroverted chicka that I am. Should I feel this way? I really don't know. There are so many "buts" and they lead to one another. I think I'm just going to play it cool and not say anything until A: they open up to me or B: we are serious and I pull the whole 'so there's something I need to tell you' card 😂 Anyway, that's some of what's on my mind and I hope you all stick with my journey of scrambling on and on 🙊😆

[travellingthoughts]

[travellingthoughts]

[travellingthoughts]

Friday the 7th of July 2017

After 4 days in Zakynthos/Kefalonia I was on a journey and a half to Larissa. Literally travelled by boat, car, taxi and bus over an 11 hour journey. I loved it though because I could just relax after being so busy in Zakynthos. Anyone who knows me well knows that I literally sleep my life away! I can sleep at what ever time, in whatever position and literally be out cold. It certainly has come in handy on this trip I'll tell you that much! So I slept the entire journey no problems asked. In Larissa, I was staying with Jamie's Nouna, Dina, for the week! Larissa is a relatively large town north of Athens. It has it all; amazing shopping, lively night life, and most importantly lovely people. I have a LOT of family there like legit we sat down to have dinner and two of my cousins (which I didn't know I had) just happened to walk past! I spent my first couple of days getting a tattoo (which was an awesome and sentimental experience) and roaming around Larissa doing some shopping and discovering. However on the third day I woke up ill as fuck. Like my stomach was in so much pain so I kept going to bed thinking that I'll wake up feeling better.... which never happened. Ended up realising at 8:30pm at night that it just wasn't to happen and finally got out of bed. After that it's a bit of a blur because my SISTERS GOT OUT OF A TAXI AND SURPRISED THE FUCK OUT OF ME IN GREECE!!!!!! Oh my god it was fkn wild, I literally had no clue they were coming. About a week before this happened I was on the phone telling them to just book their fkn tickets and come and lie with my on a beach somewhere in Santorini. Little did I know the bitches were muting themselves on our phone call and laughing because they HAD ALREADY BOOKED THEIR TICKETS 😆 The joke was clearly on me! Check out on Facebook the video of my jaw literally hitting the floor, the swearing, the scream and the many cuddles that were shared when this all unfolded! What an incredible experience to be able to share such an amazing journey with two of my bestest friends. I still pinch my self when I get their phone call in the morning saying 'what are we doing today?' ☺️ In all seriousness though, thank the lord they have me because A) they were fighting within the first 5 minutes of arriving in Mykonos, B) they are weak as shit and can't carry 25kgs up 50 stairs so I had to do it FOR BOTH OF THEM and C) they have no clue what they're doing so I am pretty much their personal tour guide 🙃 We have already had so many laughs and fun times, and I know these are memories that will last a lifetime. Anyway back to Larissa. It turned out I had fkn drunk the water by accident in Zakynthos and became sick as a fkn dog for the next 6 days. Literally whatever went down my throat came out again within maximum 5 minutes. Couldn't keep anything in my stomach, not even water. As shitty (pun intended) as being sick was, I definitely was very lucky to have my sisters constantly checking up on me and the fact that I was with my family who went above and beyond to get me on the road to recovery. Wouldn't have had it any other way. So my fun in Larissa ended after Tez and Jays arrived 😂 We did go to Karditsa, Farsala and Stomio to see more family which was fantastic. The girls went to Thessaloniki as well but I didn't make it because I was still really sick. Before I knew it (...literally because I had slept my life away!!) we were on our way to Piraeus which is one of the main ports of Greece. Conveniently, Terri's Nona lives there with her family so we stayed for a night before catching the 7am ferry to Mykonos the next day. That night was so much fun, we went for a stroll around town and went to Haagen-Daaz for some waffles and icecream! It wasn't what we did but it was the amazing company we had 😍 The 7am kick off to get to Mykonos was interesting 😂 As per usual we were running late and how we made it on that boat is fkn beyond me. The ride consisted of Terri not allowing me to fall asleep because everything single time I almost did, she would tickle my nose or something ridiculous. Could have punched her square in the face but decided that wasn't the best idea...so I made her buy me a hot chocolate which cost 5.80€ 😂 Our first impression of Mykonos is that it's fucking stunning. Whatever image comes to your head (crystal clear beaches with white houses on hills) is EXACTLY what it was like. However we were fortunate enough to discover the island from North to South and East to West. We hired a car and I, the driver, officially banned Terri from being in the front seat because she almost pulled the handbrake on me twice ❌ While the main town looks picturesque, the rest is actually quite hilly, rocky, windy and underdeveloped. It was astonishing to see the island for what it really is, with some of the most amazing beaches and hidden gems we would have only discovered by hiring that car. Highly suggest it... however there is a funny story that comes along with that 😂 So Greeks drive like fucking crazy okay. That's the perfect and only intro you need into this story. I was going down a really narrow and windy road when another car comes speeding around a corner (how the fuck they didn't spin out idk?) and is pretty much in my lane now still going fast. So I slam on the brake (dirt road btw so skidded instead of halted) and pulled over. In the process, I marked the car with about a 2.5cm BLACK scratch on a WHITE CAR. I was gutted because I knew they were going to notice it when we returned the car and that they were going to charge me a fuck tonne for it. So we go to the damn beach we were driving to when this happened and were then driving to the next beach when I spot a fucking mechanics (and probably the only one on the island) and swerve in like James Bond. And can I say I had luck just like James Bond! I'm trying to communicate in Greek to this guy and he is literally laughing at me stressing #bitch. He tells me to wait a minute and before I know he comes back with a cloth and some charcoal coloured substance. I freak out even more because like I said it's a white car and I'm thinking that he will make it worse #lenthinkingsheknowseverything. He rubs it on the car and then like magic before my eyes, the mark was gone. I literally told him that I love him and that he saved my life and that he is the best person to walk this earth. And before I could even finish we were back on our way dancing like absolute idiots out of pure joy 🙃 Mykonos is by far my favourite island out of the 3; including Ios and Santorini. It is absolutely stunning by day and night, the beaches are crystal clear and is good for a great boogie. My only fault is that it's expensive as fuck. But so so worth it. I met some amazing people in my dorm (you know who you are) and proceeded to go out until the AM partying and bar (that did just get autocorrected to bae) hoping. We had so much luck that night because every place we went to we were treated like royalty. Skipped the lines, skipped the entry fee, got given free shots and drinks. It was to die for 😍 The night ended with Souvlaki's and a really drunk walk home 😂 Next stop was Ios. I fkn loved Ios for its party scene. I FROTH a good time and that's the vibe that Ios had. Funny story: when we rocked up by bus at FarOut I was laughing because we saw teeny ass canvas tents and I said 'that would suck if you had to stay in one of them'. Before I know it I received my keys and found my... MOTHERFUCKING TENT FML 😫 Don't know how I fucked up so bad but like legit this thing had a door that was just about off its hinges, a "window" that was made of a holy mesh (mosquito friendly which means Eleni says ❌❌❌), and beds that should have been bought by a massage parlour. The girls (who at least booked a place with aircon and walls) weren't happy with their room either, so we upgraded to a villa with three beds and a bathroom! Fuck yessssssss! Life in Ios was pretty sweet after the accomodation sitch was sorted. We didn't do much exploring like we did in Mykonos. Partying by day and night was the plan ✔️ Met some sick chickens whilst partying, and also spent loads of time with Jack, Yianni, Emma, Jess and Amy who we knew from home. Bar crawls and wet t-shirt contests were (regrettably) attended. Let's just say... anyone who went on that stage in the wet tshirt comp would have needed a deadly amount of alcohol and a few types of drugs to morally get through. Other then partying double parked, time was spent on the beach or by the pool soaking up grecian rays ☀️ Then came the biggest disappointment that is Santorini. I should have never expected anything and that's why I feel let down. The white walls you see everyone taking photos of are pretty much only in Oia which is ridiculously expensive. It's the place to supposedly see the sunset but what you don't expect is thousands of tourists trying to get through streets which are 2 meters wide. Forget the balcony or castle where people take sunset pictures from. It is gorgeous though minus the tourists. However a positive is that they do have an entire street of clubs and bars so when you get bored at one, the next isn't too far away ☺️ Fira, another town close by where we stayed, was nice and lively but the streets in the centre couldn't compare to Mykonos'. As I'm writing this my time in the Greek islands is up. I'm on a ferry which came 1.5 hours late (welcome to Greek time...it's legit a thing) and is so rocky I think I'm going over board. My next few days include Athens with my Nouna and Nono. Going to take my sisters around to see some sights and then will go to The Ranch (where my god brother works) and say our final goodbyes :( So excited for my family's cuddles and kisses 😍 It's a good night from me xx P.S- wish me luck because the boat is about to tip P.P.S - I can't swim or even doggy paddle. P.P.P.S- the last PPS reminds me of another LOL- in Santorini, the girls and I did a tour to the volcano, thermal springs, Thirasia and Oia. When we reached the hot springs, which is literally in the middle of the ocean next to the rocks, Jamie and I thought it would be a fabulous idea to suss it out. So we jumped off the boat into the water and the waves were going over our heads. We start laughing (out of pure panic) because we can't swim for shit and it made trying to battle the waves so much harder. We looked at eachother whilst all of this was going on and knew what we were both thinking; that we are going to drown. I told Jamie to calm down and just keep your body afloat. Anyway, we clearly made the 200m distance back to the boat because I'm writing this now P.P.P.P.S - don't tell my mum that last story because I'll cop an ear full 😂

[travellingthoughts]

Friday the 9th of June 2017

WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE FELLAS 🎉 I'm in my home town, Greece, and I couldn't be happier tbh. I have never come to a country where A) I haven't had anxiety in the days leading up to me going and B) where I am completely calm upon arrival. Before that flight, during and after I experienced the most amazing feeling; the feeling of home 🏡 Every time I go to a new place I always get a bit nervy because you finally become comfortable somewhere and then you have to pack up and leave to somewhere completely unfamiliar. However for the first time in 3 months of visiting 16 different countries I wasn't nervous in the slightest. In fact I felt the complete the opposite with total calmness. The only time I felt nervous was when I had to pass through immigration and the officer was telling me that he wants me to marry his son 😂 I literally said in Greek 'thank you but can you please let me through the gates now' hahahah LEGIT. The minute that the plane touched the tarmac, the minute that I passed through immigration after the incident with the officer LOL, the minute I got on a bus and train with no aircon were the minutes I knew I was home. I honestly feel at home in Greece, and that might be because it is my home. My life, and my sister's lives, started in a small town just outside Athens called Marousi. It's where I would still be living if my Dad was actually a father. It's where I still would be living if my mum didn't have the balls to leave. They live in basic houses with a lifestyle I would have still been living. I'm not angry or anything about coming to Australia, I'm actually the complete opposite. I'm so blessed to have the opportunity to travel the world and come back to my homeland. And the beginning of the plentiful opportunities I have, started when my mum picked us three stooges up and chucked us all on a plane to Straya. The people here don't have those opportunities, the people who live in Greece at the moment are literally JUST making ends meet. Their wage is around €500 - €800 a month. That's max $1300 AUD a month. I was making that and more in 2 weeks in Australia. I get currency is relative but in Greece it genuinely doesn't add up. They pay taxes from the minute they make money, no $18000 threshold. They pay extraordinary taxes for literally everything they own. A car could cost €8000 in taxes every year. What the actual fuck. We pay a $800 rego and complain. It saddens me to know that all my aunties, uncles, cousins, god parents and friends have a financial fate that is written. I just wish I had all the money to help each of them out. Something that really inspired me though is that everyone is still happy. They understand that they will need to slave away for the rest of their lives but they're still kicking on in life. It's been incredible to hear stories from my family about how tough it is and how they just keep pushing through without giving up 🇬🇷 I'll be in Greece for the next 6 weeks, seeing the family on the mainland and venturing the islands. So fkn excited it's not even funny. The weather is perfect, like 30 degrees ish every day with pure Grecian sun. It ain't like no other I'll tell you that 😜 My time in Zografou has been fun, but I've been so exhausted that I've been sleeping in every day. I've been staying with my godparents and god brothers who I haven't seen in 12 long years. The boys have grown so much is crazy, I swear I never grew that much?!?! And Nona and Nouno are the exact same, an absolute laugh and so incredibly in love it's inspiring. My god brother Nikos has been with me every single day, and it's been awesome to be able to spend so much quality time with him. He badly sprained his ankle two weeks before I came so he hasn't been able to go to basketball training, which is unfortunate but so meant to be because he has been completely free and showing me around Athens. Alexandros (my younger god brother) is currently a little cheeky monkey who is crazy with energy like how someone has that energy is beyond me! If you follow me on snapchat 👻 you would have seen his crazy side #loveit!!! I absolutely love them all and loved my time in Athens with them! Next I was off to Zakynthos! It's an island also known as Zante. It's where the famous shipwreck beach; where the water is the brightest baby blue you'll ever see. The ship itself is fkn ugly lol but it's been there for 40 years and I'm sure has some amazing history that I'm yet to hear about. It also has these incredible blue caves where the water is a deeper blue but completely see-through. Unfortunately we couldn't stop the boat to swim there because the waves were HUGE so we went and swam somewhere similar but where we weren't going to die 😂 I stayed with my mums best friend Vera, her son and boyfriend! It was really nice to chill out and explore such a beautiful island with so many hidden treasures. I took a day trip to Kefalonia which is another Grecian island north from Zakynthos. You can literally tour the entire island in one day. We saw a honey demonstration (because the best honey is made on the island), we went to the Melissani cave where the sun shines through the top of the cave and makes the water a crazy turquoise colour (if you follow me on Insta you would have seen a photo) ☺️ We also saw mythos beach from above which is where the equivalent shipwreck beach is in Kefalonia and also visited some main churches and cities of the island. I'm going to stop there because if I continue it will be way too long and you will fall asleep on me 💙😘 Filakia xx

[travellingthoughts]

Monday 15th of May 2017

**started writing this one week ago (23nd of May rn) and never finished it. Going to continue where I left off** ***its now the 9th of June FFS Len*** **** I do this every fkn time**** So I'm currently on a train to Stansted Airport in London. I have a flight today to Edinburgh which I'm so excited for. I'll be seeing my cousins for the first time in 12 years, and will be staying with them for my entire stay in Scotland. London has truly been amazing. I've had two of my fave pals here who have kept me busy and feeling elated; Brittany and James. Brittany has been with me since pretty much the start of Daniel and I. She has been with my through the ups and downs, as I have been with her. However we always manage to laugh a lot through the shit times and have a blast. Back at home and especially after Daniel and I broke up we were hanging out every second day, going for walks and coffees and just chilling at out houses and everything in between. Then she left me to travel overseas 😰...and then I left to come over also 😊 Anyway, we did what we would normally do at home in London, and it was fucking awesome! I really enjoy her company, and her ray-of-sunshine personality she has ❤ James and I did what we normally did too; drink alcohol haha. Just kidding, James is kick ass to talk to and he is definitely one of my closest guy friends without it being weird. He introduced me to his mates from London and they were a laugh and a half... but mostly James though lol because he is a fkn pisser 😂 We had so many times together where we just got fucked and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. It was amazing to have two of my best friends only 30 minutes away. It feels like a lifetime ago when I could do this. It really mellowed the lonely feeling which was awesome. London had it all. The night life, the food and the sites hit the spot! Everyday was an adventure and I literally had everything at my fingertips. It reminded me a lot of Melbourne. Just a lot bigger and a little older. But the people were so nice and helpful. It was also really easy to get around which made life so much less stressful. It was expensive, but easy so whatever. Everything was kind of overpriced but I think I did well with my money seeing as though I was there for a solid 11 days. Weather also wasn't too bad, or well not as bad as I expected. Hahah I pictured consistent rain but it was anything but. Just a drizzle here and there! Nothing like Krakow 🙄 Some of the places I visited were Camden town markets, Westminster abbey, Big Ben, Tower of London, Shoreditch, Clapham common, portobello road markets, Brixton, Brighton and Harry Potter world at Warner Brothers Studio! Would highly suggest all of these places to anyone who wants to go to London. Overall feeling about London: amazing. This brings me to the real date right now (THE DATE LEN SHOULD HAVE POSTED THIS BUT SHES FKN LAZY SO 2 WEEKS HAVE PAST- read the **** above): Tuesday the 23rd of May. I'm on a flight to Dublin as I write this (I feel like I'm always in transit when I finally have the time to write... and I always am haha). Edinburgh exceeded my expectations in regards to the landscape. I always thought of Scotland as being underrated but I truly got to see how underrated it really is. Edinburgh is gorgeous. I was living in the centre the part called New Town. There is New Town and Old Town which separates the city centre... how well thought out and innovative haha. Must of taken them ages to name 😂 The city is very hilly, like it was a work-out getting around (aint complaining). Although pushing 30kg luggage up a killer hill today had me swearing and sweating. One thing I found interesting was the fact that all of the monuments and old buildings are pretty much black. They look burnt and I don't know why... definitely need to research that. I spent my days walking up the famous Princess street and Royal Mile. I visited Carlton Hill which gave me spectacular views of all of Edinburgh (where my last post was written). I did some Harry Potter scavenging around the city and went to the Elephant House Cafe where JK Rowling first thought of Harry Potter. Went to the graveyard (Greyfriars kirkyard) where she got the names for some of the characters and I found Tom Riddles grave. It was pretty spooky but I found something calming about this cemetery. There was so much greenery and people about it didn't feel eery. Saw the university which inspired the design of Hogwarts, and it honestly looked pretty spot on. I was a bit of a Harry Potter geek in both London and Edinburgh and I fkn loved it 🙊 I also went to a Mary King's Close tour which showed me the now underground alleyways of Edinburgh. The city was built on these after the plague, so they were once open to the sky. I heard true stories of important people who lived there and what impact the plague had on the population. Pretty crazy to think that people's insides were shutting down and eating them alive. Very eye opening as I tend to complain about having a cold or my period. Completely insignificant when you put it into perspective. Most of my time was spent with my cousins though. It was really important to me that I was with them every moment I could be. I haven't seen them in ages and I wanted to make the most of every moment. Most night were spent making delicious dinners (they're Masterchefs legit) and drinking wine. We watched the Olympiakos basketball team win the semi final and then lose the grand final, over Souvlaki and Pizza. We talked and talked for hours every night about a whole lot of things, and these are the moments I will treasure forever. They were so loving towards me and made their home feel like mine. They took me to St Andrews on Saturday, where we got ice cream and coffee and walked around. It was stunning! There was so much history behind every building. Especially those that have literally fallen apart or are in pieces. We walked the coast where the "beaches" were (they weren't beaches they were just water hitting massive rocks... no sand or fun in the sun that's for sure) and ended up roaming the University where Prince William studied/met Kate Middleton. It was huge and looked fkn expensive. Deakin definitely doesn't look like that #HECS #yolo 😂 That brings me to my next destination....Dublin! Ireland is my favourite country ever. I would happily live here. The people are the loveliest kind there is, they know how to have a good laugh, they're big drinkers (my style), the landscape is beautiful, there is so much to do always and weather is average but no one gets crabby about it. I have had some of the most eventful nights of my trip in Dublin, and they have happened on the nights where I said I was going to have a "quiet one". If there is one thing I've learned on this trip it's that when you expect something to be great, whether it be a country or a night out, you are more then likely going to be disappointed. Don't expect anything and you'll always be pleasantly surprised! In Dublin I went to Kilkenny (which is like a small medieval town with castles and shit), Glendalough (which has awesome hiking tracks leading to lakes but that's literally it), The Wicklow mountains (which was way too foggy for the tour to stop and get off 😪), The cliffs of Moher (which I believe I ate about 1000 bugs for lunch as they were fkn everywhere but the cliffs are pretty), Galway City (which is a cute but relatively large town), Burren (which is literally hundreds of square meters filled with limestone created from acid rain! It's fkn sick), Giants Causeway (which has like rocks that are huge hexagonal prisms and really pretty views when you hike to the top), Belfast (in Northern Ireland where I did a 'black taxi' tour where you learn about the political unrest that has happened in Ireland and is life changing) AND MY FAVOURITE SITE OF ALL WHICH MANY OF YOU WOULD HAVE SEEN ON MY INSTAGRAM Carrick a Rede rope bridge which is stunning! All in all, I did a lot in Ireland during the day and partied way too hard at night but I loved every single second. My number one memory of Ireland will definitely be when I met up with a primary school friend, Harry Shivmangal, who I have literally not seen in 9 years because he ditched me and left Australia to live in Ireland 😂 We talked and talked for hours about absolutely everything, it was incredible. He has grown up so much but is still exactly how I remember him. Is that weird? Hahah and then on Sunday I went to his house for dinner with his family and they were the absolute best! We had a kick ass meal, plenty of laughs, wine galore, tried to give kisses to the fam dog Lexi but she only wanted me for my food scraps #user, looked back at old photos of me and Haz, and laughed some more 😂 It was such a good night I honestly didn't want to leave! I FUCKING LOVE YOU IRELAND 🇮🇪 Signing off #bouttime, Lenny 🇮🇪❤

#lentakeseurope2017 #lazylenny

[travellingthoughts]

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[travellingthoughts]

Being overseas by yourself is fucking hard.

Some call it oversharing, some call it venting. Either way, keep your opinions to yourself. I've been meaning to write a feelings post for a while now. I just so happen to begin writing it down whilst sitting on a park bench in Carlton Hill in Edinburgh overlooking a gorgeous view. I don't know where to start I guess, I'm very confused about a lot of things. Obviously being overseas has been fabulous and all, and I'm trying to do a lot of self development and searching whilst I'm over here. Trying to find out who I am, who I want to be, how I'm going to achieve this, what I want in my life, my short term and long term goals and everything in between. On top of this I'm dealing with a vast array of emotions; happiness, loneliness, sadness, excitedness, stress and fear. I'm really struggling to sort out my feelings. Especially with Daniel. It all started to come crashing down when I went to Harry Potter World in London. That was something we started and finished together and loved. Binged watched all the movies and let ourselves be taken away to a magical world with each film. I couldn't help but think about how much he would have loved to be there. Up until then I tried to suppress any thoughts I had about him and us, as it's something I know I need to get over and put behind me. This, as you can only imagine, has been incredibly difficult. Being overseas has been a massive trigger for thinking about him. The last time I was overseas I was with him in America, going through the emotions together as a solid unit who would support each other through all of the doubt. We barely fought, like I think the only time we really had a "tiff" was when I couldn't fucking read the map in San Fransisco and we had to get the go car back in 10 minutes. So insignificant and meaningless and we both laughed about it for ages after. It was so much easier when I had someone's shoulder to cry on. A best friend who had your back with everything. I know being by myself whilst I'm going through this will help me to grow in the future, but it doesn't help how I feel right now. I know I don't want to be with him but I can't help but feel sad about how far we had come and how quickly it all felt apart. I can't see us ever getting back together and it breaks my heart. Literally everything I knew crumbled in front of my eyes and I felt so helpless. It sounds so cliche I know but I truly saw us spending the rest of our lives together. We were two peas in a pod, we got each other on a different level as you would expect after 6 years together. I still can't help but feel a little angry towards him for allowing it all to happen and not putting a stop to it. I literally did everything for him; emotionally, physically and mentally. I was his number one supporter with everything he went through. Helped him with things he felt like he couldn't even tell his mates. Held him whilst he would ball his eyes out. I was there for him when no one else was and it's such a shame that he threw it all away. For whatever reason it happened and I can't do anything but move on and learn to love again. Which brings me to N. I don't know what the fuck it is about the kid but there is definitely something about him which ignites my insides. He is fucking hilarious and really witty with his language. Extremely intellectual. Nothing he says is ever simple. Like he is speaking in tongue and you have to de-code what he is saying. There is something so attractive about that. It reminds me how Daniel used to be when he was in high school. When he would write me elaborate messages about absolutely nothing. N is stunning on the outside. Muscular and tall; just the way I like my men. He plays rugby and there is something sexy as fuck about a man that plays sport. Maybe I admire it because I have always wanted/still want to play a sport seriously. He has never had a girlfriend before which is fucking great because I feel like his horizons have so much opening up to do and that's exciting. However there is always a down fall and I don't know how to feel about it. He is a little cocky sometimes, not overly though. I always compliment him which hasn't helped. I don't know if he is being serious about what he says or if it's a facade. Another thing (and the more serious of the two) is that the struggles to be emotional IN THE SLIGHTEST like I'm talking I'll ask a simple question and he will answer with something that either deflects from the topic at hand or respond with something sarcastic. It drives me fucking crazy. I feel like he isn't taking anything seriously at the moment and that he couldn't take a girl seriously either. But I see so much potential in him :( I really wish he could just say something that he feels like SURELY he feels something, right? I just don't get why he can't just say something. Whether I am wasting my time is a thought that goes through my mind often because I wonder if it will ever change. Will he ever open up? I honestly don't know. He is a guy's guy, I get it. But give me something. Idk I feel like right now it's all physical and I can't deal with feeling a little used. I know these aren't his intentions but at the same time it can't all be just physical. That's enough to make any girl go insane. Another part of me tells myself to shut the fuck up and let nature take its course. I'm overseas and will be for the next 2 months. Nath tells me to have my fun with guys and life and what not but I literally can't. Not because of him but just because it's not who I am. I have a massive wall up now after everything with Daniel, and I can't just fuck around with anyone. Besides the negatives, I think another reason why my gut says go for N is because it was so effortless for me to say yes to going on a date. The date itself was effortless. How effortless it was for me to bring him chocolate and icecream to make him feel better after being concussed. I just kind of let my guard down and didn't think twice. And it still surprises me that I let myself do that so soon after meeting him. He has something about him that I can't explain. I can't see myself sticking around too much longer without him telling me his feelings as I would just rather shut it all down instead of getting hurt. Gotta love having your guard up. But I don't want to do that either because what if it all falls into place. Fuck over thinking is so annoying. Another thing on my mind is that tomorrow I'm off to Dublin, which is new and unfamiliar. Exciting of course, but I have anxiety every time I go to a new place so that's the prominent feeling towards it all as I'm typing this. I'm scared to go somewhere where I don't know anything. Anyways that's my emotions for you all, with no clarity at the end whatsoever. Going to channel my energy into smashing some some weights at the gym.

#conflicted

[travellingthoughts]

11th of May 2017

Hey guyths it's Len (...get it? Instead of Nicole 😂 - literally introduced myself as this on my Topdeck tour how embarrassing). So I'll just pick up from my last post! I arrived in Poland and it was so fkn cold. The type of cold where your face hurts. I swear the Swiss alps were colder but a I struggled a lot more in Poland. It was pissing down with rain pretty much the entire time we were there and I didn't want to get out of my bed #classiclen #winterblues. We were in quite a dodgy hostel, like it wasn't horrendous but wasn't the best I've stayed in either. Just had an old orphanage vibe to it, floors would creak no matter how much you tippy toed and there was little lighting. Also in the main square there was no atmosphere. It was gloomy, even the people were gloomy. They walked around like zombies. The mood was so somber, like a terrorist attack or something terrible had just happened. Fucking weird. The best thing about Krakow was the Italian dinner the first night! Anyway the reason why I'm describing this is because I think that all of these features added to me not enjoying Krakow. Wouldn't go back in a heart beat. Next was Prague, Czech Republic. On our way however, we stopped off at Auschwitz- Birkenau. For those who don't know, this is where the Nazi Party kept millions of people of socially marginalised groups to either exterminate them or work them to death. It was only one of several major concentration camps. They were all over Europe and millions of people were persecuted and killed. I didn't really know what to expect to be honest. It was the reason why I chose Topdeck instead of Contiki but I'd tried not to think about what I'd see. And this was for the best because it was fucked up. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw or how I felt. The part that really hit home was seeing people's hair that was shaved off upon arrival to the camp, the used shoes of everyone killed (children included) and the photos of people who entered the camp along the walls. Underneath it had their date of birth, their name, the date they arrived at the camp, the day they were killed/died, their profession and their camp number. So many of them were teachers and that was so confronting because I will be a teacher one day. It was a really tough day emotionally and I'll never forget it. Anyways, I loved Prague. It had a really cool vibe and some awesome history as well. Saw the John Lennon wall and that was sick to see how people have expressed themselves on a wall through quotes, drawings and colours. We went clubbing to this club with 5 floors (I guess Europe had a thing for clubs with several floors?!) and the experience was good but I literally couldn't breathe because you're allowed to smoke inside + the smoke machines from the stage + people's body heat + no ventilation. Fresh air had never been so good! Next stop was Berlin, Germany! I fkn loved this city because everyone just expressed themselves the way they wanted through their clothes or hair or whatever they felt appropriate. And there was no judgement! We went for a walking tour with a guide named Jess and he was rad af. We happened to be there on a massive public holiday (workers day or something) which was cool but scary at the same time. We were warned that it is a very political day and different political parties like the communist or green parties of Berlin rally along the streets. Sometimes it turns violent with protests and riot police are deployed. We still decided to go because fuck it, and it was so much fun! Everyone was drinking in the street and were having the time of their lives! There was live music and local food stalls! The atmosphere rocked! Then we went out for a pub crawl where we had to wear a shit shirt 😅 I was literally bringing my drunk friends home the entire night but still had an awesome time! The hostel was right across from our last stop on the pub crawl, and half of the group were unable to stand up straight so I just played mum 😝 This brings me to our last stop on tour; Amsterdam. I had so much fun in this city! The first night we went to a coffee shop and got hash brownies and I got a joint and we have never laughed so hard in our lives. Every two meters we would stop and have something funny to laugh at and there were 4 of us literally on the floor 😂 Then Em peed her pants from laughing so much, and I was looking at the completely wrong ferry schedule to get us home ahahah our ferry was RIGHT there and I was looking at the next stop's arrival time #malaka 😅 Then on the last night was where I got food poisoning or something shit because I was vomitting my guts up the whole night. It was probably the mixture of alcohol I had but id like to think it's just food 😝 I had wine, vodka red bull, absinthe, tequila, jäger bombs and these random shots at the club. I was absolutely fucked and it all sounded like a good idea at the time. So now I'm in London and have been since the 4th of May. I spent my first night in London recovering from being up all night vomitting. I spent a solid 15 hours sleeping like a log. I think it all caught up to me; drinking just about every night, being up late af and getting up at like 7am every day. I think I'm still tired from the tour lol but kicking on of course. London has been really good to me and I owe that to two people, Brittany & James. These two are absolute gems and I'm so lucky to have TWO of my best friends on the other side of the world at the same time as me. Anyways, the next few days involve a bottomless brunch, clubbing, site seeing, Harry Potter world and plenty of laughs! Better get back to it 💙🌏

[travellingthoughts]